When MIL goes near the baby

[Choccheese]

I hated it whenever MIL went near DC1 as a baby. She was always criticising and advising and always seemed way too over invested in her role as grandmother, expecting sleep overs far too soon etc. DC1 is now 5 and MILs relationship with her doesnt bother me at all. She still tries to advise etc but it all goes straight over my head.

I have recently however given birth to DC2 and those feelings are creeping in again, despite me feeling so much calmer this time and MIL being much more discreet than last time. I actually hate MIL being anywhere near her and I'm pretty sure she's being a pain again but at a lower level.

• If she's holding the baby and I ask for her back to feed her, she'll stand rocking her an extra 30 seconds whilst shes screaming for me before handing her over.

-making remarks about 'what a shame' it is that I have to feed her myself and don't get a break (due to BF)

• Yesterday she was pushing her in the pram and I said that she needed feeding as she was crying. "Again?!" She said whilst trying to shove a dummy in her mouth as if she knew best and as if indicating that she couldn't possibly be hungry.

-I will be changing her and smiling and cooing at her and MIL will basically stand above me cooing more loudly. -She indicates there is an issue with her poo and wee (I'm not sure if this is a dig at BF) as she says her wee is "stronger than you expect" and her poo is "always running out of the sides and a funny colour." All however is normal.

She has said how "great" she thinks I'm doing with the BF but I can't help but feel she's making some discreet digs.

She gives me the creeps whenever she's holding my baby, I just hate it and she's so over-powering. As soon as she holds her, I can't wait to have her back again.

Am I being too sensitive?

Normally I think that MIL threads on MN are a bit bonkers but in your case your DH needs to step up and have a word. She is seriously trying to undermine your BFing, perhaps she has some unresolved issues about her babies, who knows?

Your DH needs to make it clear that BFing the baby is the choice of both of you and that when the baby cries or you ask for the baby she’s to hand it over immediately.

She has loads of unresolved issues with her babies as she returned to full time work within weeks of them being born. She likes to play mummy to mine when they are very little (not happening).
DH is generally quite supportive and called her out yesterday when she undermined me with DC1 without me having to ask. It doesn't bother me as much with DC1 anymore. But it really bothers me when they're babies. Perhaps its hormones and I'm feeling a great need to protect them from her.

The relationship between a MiL and a DiL is one of the most difficult to get right. It is well documented as being very problematic.. Have a go at googling the problem and a myriad of advice will come up.
If only you had the confidence to say to her, what you are saying to us on here. Unfortunately she is not a mind reader and stupidly she may not even realise how irritating and upsetting she is being. She really needs to keep her mouth shut and probably would if she knew how miserable her advice makes you.
If you can’t say what you feel to her in the nicest and kindest way possible, your resentment will build up and build up and lead to a explosive row.
So bite the bullet and tell her how you feel. Barring mental illness, if she has any sense, she will listen.
I have made mistakes as a MiL and a DiL, when all I wanted to do is have a warm loving and open relationship with my own Dils and my MiL. It all boils down to communication and how you manage to convey your feelings to the other person without totally demolishing them,.
Some Mumsnetters ( they are in bed at the moment ) will soon be on here being absolutely vile about your MiL and calling her all the names under the sun. If you want to make your DH really miserable and deprive your children of a person who will love and care for them as much as you....then follow their advice.
My advice is to compromise and negotiate and examine your own issues. It’s really not your DHs problem either and unfair to make him take sides between two people he loves.
You will feel better if you can just TELL HER.
There is a difference between being assertive and aggressiveness.
Aggressive is “ give me my baby back now you old hag, and bugger off back home”
Assertive . I need to take the baby now to comfort/feed it. Then put your arms out and take it.

It would be handy to give your MiL a job, such as ask her if she could help you by washing up etc. Give her something to do so she isn’t hanging round you and the baby.
Xx you need hugs.

Sorry no advice but she sounds awful

How often do you see her?

Zzzzz your advice is confrontational and although quite understandable, do you think it will bring about a peaceful end, to what is potentially a explosive situation.
The MiL in this case is making a mistake giving ANY uncalled for advice to a young Mum. But the OP’s MiL is not a criminal, just being irritating.
However, if the OP is too shy, inhibited or has issues of her own, to say to her MiL, ‘ this is how I want things to be’ ......isn’t it a communication problem?
I have brought up lots of children to adulthood and when my first grandchild was born I was surprised by the fierceness of the love I felt for her. I actually felt pain when she cried. That surprised me.

I knew that I shouldn’t give any advice to my adult children, but when you see a struggling tired new Mum...and you know, or think you know, something that would help, it is difficult to hold your tongue. Luckily it was a daughter and so after several times of rushing in with bags of clothes and toys...I got told to ‘ stop it.’
I felt hurt but I realised that I had to back off.
However, in my defence I did suggest a dummy with the first child and I was told off for even suggesting it.
Guess what....with the second one that DD had, she got a dummy and now swears by them. So I feel vindicated.

Some Mumsnetters ( they are in bed at the moment ) will soon be on here being absolutely vile about your MiL and calling her all the names under the sun. If you want to make your DH really miserable and deprive your children of a person who will love and care for them as much as you....then follow their advice.
My advice is to compromise and negotiate and examine your own issues. It’s really not your DHs problem either and unfair to make him take sides between two people he loves.

This is some of the worst advice I've ever read on MN. Your MIL needs clear boundaries because she doesn't have any.

I think your inability to let it wash over you is hormonal. I normally get on well with MIL but when both my DC were very small she irritated the living shit out of me when she interacted with my babies I bit my tongue because I suspected IWBU, and the feeling passed.

She isn't as annoying as your MIL but she's another one opposed to breastfeeding.

bastardkitty surely it’s not the worse advice you have ever read.? Can I ask if you are a MiL ?
Being a MiL to a son’s wife is akin to having a child. You might know what it is like in theory, but until you are one and experience it yourself...you actually have no idea.
How is this MiL going to have boundaries if the OP is unable to tell her? If she can’t tell her...then hasn’t the OP got issues of her own.
MiL are human, they make mistakes and they are not mind readers.

At a quiet moment when this isn’t going on, you both need to tell her that she needs to give the baby back the second you ask for him/her, and that when you’re changing her you’ll be able to do it more easily if she waits to one side.

Can you keep her away a bit more? It comes over as if she is at your house an awful lot.

My mum is a bit like that, constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to parent over the top of me. I deal with it by ignoring it, and doing as I was planning to do. Do you have a chair in the babies room? Perhaps spend lots of time feeding on your own. Talk to your dh and explain it's a bit much at the moment and limit mils visits. Congratulations on your new baby.

My MIL is the same, holds baby and I will say he's hungry or tired she won't believe me and crying gets worse and worse! She can now only hold him facing outward because he cries at her face, I assume because she is the only time he can't be fed ect.
She also has to have alone time and hold in another room! We were at a restaurant and she sat at another table when I passed him her!
I make comments when is appropriate

e.g. when she asked me to bring her drink to new table she sat at for alone time with baby I said 'would be easier if you sat here again I think FIL is straining his neck to see the baby' OR when she holds baby through crying 'i wish swaying helped stop him being hungry would give me a break, but only boob will work's OR when she asked if I'd lost baby weight for 1000th time 'i haven't slept in weeks I haven't thought to jump on the scales'.

I wouldn't recommend full on saying something confrontational but imagine what you'd say if she was your mum! If my mum said about strong wee I would say that's normal or I will try feed him more today see what changes so I SHOULD say that to MIL... In reality I would probably be quietly angry she is insinuating my baby is dehydrated!

You would be quite okay to say... MIL you say I feed too much but that wee is strong so baby isn't drinking enough! Make your mind up insert laugh

It will get easier... Everyone loves babies but no one likes the terrible twos! Sorry she is taking over though, I know how you feel and it is horrible when you just want to do the best for your baby!

You need to show your MIL either by looking online or getting someone to speak to her that by the baby screaming for a feed she has missed a lot of feeding cues & clearly doesn’t have the baby’s best interests at heart.

You feel this way because what she is doing is wrong, she’s pushing you out of the way & ignoring you the child’s mother.

Put your foot down or don’t let her near the baby.

How can it be a solution to the problem for the third party ( a MIL) to be told by her son not to come round or have to make an appointment to visit his home. It would be MUCH better for the DiL to be straight with her MiL.
Think about it, all you Mumsnetters with sons.
When your son marries and he comes to you and says, “ my wife doesn’t want you coming round as often, as your visits are a “bit much at the moment” How would that make you feel? She is not stupid and will know the direction has come from the wife, anyway.
Everyone is going to have to be extremely tactful here otherwise it’s all going to end in going tits up.
There is no alternative but for the OP to have a frank discussion with her MiL.
Of course a DH should support his wife but usually ( not always) the tension is between the wife and the MIL. In this case the Mother isnt irritating and annoying her son constantly by what she is doing, she is upsetting his wife.. Isn’t it unfair that either side should ask him to choose?
If it was your son, Mumsnetters and his wife was saying ‘ you need to choose between your Mum or me...how would you feel?

I've found that a good trick with assertiveness is to repeat yourself until the message goes in.

You: She's hungry, I'm going to feed her
Mil She can't be hungry again
You She's hungry I'm going to feed her.

You She's crying, she needs her mummy (reach out for baby) etc

I know how hard it is - been there too. Good luck!

I don't think you're being too sensitive but these things are definitely super annoying because of the circumstances, rather than being truly appalling things to do. I second the poster recommending assertiveness and repetition - 'she needs her mummy, I'm going to feed her now' while reaching out as opposed to "please can I have her '...

I would also suggest you say" there's nothing wrong with" whatever she is saying is ' not right ' about your baby in a very firm, quite loud voice. You really need to stop seething silently. Chances are your MIL will martyrishly think "oh she's neurotic about this and I can't open my mouth" but she will have at least stopped talking.

Regarding putting in a dummy or doing something contrary to what you're asking, I would be a bit of a preschool teacher and say "No don't put a dummy in/rock him please, I've asked you to do something different."

And the standing behind you one I would say "please do go and sit down X, this will only take a moment and I'm feeling a bit crowded."

You're being too nice.

Zzzz I don’t think you can have read all that I have written. I think the OP should tell her MiL how she feels. There is a difference though between a confrontation and achieving what you want from an exchange.
Surely what the DIL in this case wants, is for her MiL to stop giving her advice as it’s making her feel undermined.
She ultimately wants what we all want, which is to feel easy with someone who necessarily part of her extended family. There are ways of doing this. None of the ways are easy, but IMO the best and most successful way, is for the OP to sit down with her MIL and explain how her unwanted advice makes her feel. If she sticks to “ I” all the time instead of the accusatory ‘ you’ she can do it.

As in, I feel intimidated/ inadequate when you feel the need to give me advice because rightly or wrongly it makes me feel that you think I am a poor Mother.
If I as a MiL , I was told this by a DIL of mine, I would be SO sorry. If on the other hand a son came to me and said “ my wife says don’t give her any advice thanks” ....I am not sure that. I would be so happy.
Leaving ‘ the telling ‘ to your DH, IMO does not lead to a better understanding between DIL and MIL.
I know I am generalising, but the one time one of my sons said to a girlfriend of his, my Mother said......There were fireworks.
I think anything said, prefixed with the words ‘My Mother said’ or ‘ my wife said’ ....to the other, by the bloke in the middle, is doomed as a tool to enhance or improve a relationship. Eh?

Zzzz I don’t think I said you did.
I think that the tension is usually considered to be between the husband’s mother and his wife.
The situation is surely exacerbated by either protagonists asking the bloke caught up in the middle, to takes sides.
You are not as yet a MiL Zzzz . It’s not a easy relationship, and when some of the Mumsnetters on here get a whiff of a MiL/ DIL problem, despite not being MiLs themselves and not having any knowledge or experience of what it feels like, they invariably go for the MiLs jugular.
I can’t think of any other problem on Mumsnet where people post without having any knowledge or experience of actually being in the situation that a MIL finds themselves in.
Mumsnetters scream NC almost immediately. Some of them turn up posting over and over again and say the same old thing, without any attempt at being reasonable.
I have no axe to grind in favour of MiLs either as my MiL never thought I was good enough for her son ( she was brought in a Hall by servants) and TOLD me. That was a stupid mistake on her part and one that I have been careful not to repeat.

My sons have chosen their partners and whatever I think is kept to myself. I am very careful about everything I do , as I have read books about the MiL/DiL relationship, and I wanted it to be conflict free. I don’t have any anxiety with my DDs and their husbands.
At the same time, if the MIL or DiL has mental health issues then there is little that you can do.
There are many many sad posts, both in Gransnet and Mumsnet relating the breakdown of this particular relationship.
Confrontation is no way forward in any relationship. Trying to be emphathitic, negotiate and listen, IMO, is a way forward.