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Original poster

How to get DP to look after baby without my help?

58 replies

LlamaPyjamas · 28/07/2018 21:11

I’m always on duty. DP is incapable of looking after the baby on his own. If he changes the baby he shouts for me to fetch clean clothes. If he feeds the baby he shouts for me to bring wipes. If he baths the baby he shouts for me to dress him while he finishes washing himself. If he cooks or cleans or goes to the supermarket I have to look after the baby. If he puts the baby in his car seat he asks me to check it’s fastened correctly. If I go upstairs to nap I end up coming back down because the baby has been crying for 20 minutes and DP isn’t resolving the situation.

When DP is at work I do all of these things on my own. I put the baby in his high chair while I cook or clean. I leave him on the mat while I fetch clothes or wipes. I take him to the supermarket with me. I stop what I’m doing and soothe him if he cries. I don’t see why DP can’t handle it on his own?

He says there’s two of us so why should he get out of the bath, wrap himself in a towel while he dresses the baby, then pop the baby in his rocker and get back in the bath, when it’s easier to just stay in the bath and shout for me to take the baby? Or why should he struggle round the supermarket with a baby when he could leave the baby with me and make his shopping trip easier? How about because I’m having a rest!

I know I could just go out and leave him with the baby but I don’t want to - I’m exhausted and I want to spend my free time at home watching tv or sleeping. Why should I have to go out just to get a break? I feel like I’m either on sole or joint duty all of the time. I’m never off duty and I’m exhausted to the point of tears. Last week I passed out with exhaustion and fell down the stairs. I don’t know what to do?

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 28/07/2018 21:16

Start off by going out to get him used to it. Then you can start doing it at home.

Just don't respond when he calls

Readyfortheschoolhols · 28/07/2018 21:16

Ask him if he wants his dc to grow up feeling like it has two parents or a dm and a lodger.
My dh had never even held a baby when ds was born. He was early and tiny but dh was keen to learn how to cope so I could have a break or a sleep without worrying.
And just to be a good df!!
Cover the basics with dh but tell him to shape up, or ship out.

museumum · 28/07/2018 21:19

Send him out regularly. My dh has taken ds out Saturday mornings for the supermarket shop and a bacon roll since he was a few months old. Ds is 5 now and they still do it. It’s their bonding thing.
When I was bf half the night I’d just catch up on sleep, now I go to park run.

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museumum · 28/07/2018 21:21

Tell him take me the van cto the supermarket is not about doing the shopping. You could do that online. It’s about them buffering off for a couple of hours (so a coffee shop stop / bacon roll is essential too).

WooYa · 28/07/2018 21:22

If you don't want it go out then tell DP it's his turn to get up with baby in the morning then stay in bed. I do this every Sunday (even though I'm still awake at 6) I don't leave my bed until 7.30 when DS has had a bottle and is going down for his first nap.
Baby has TWO parents. DP needs to act like it.

PerverseConverse · 28/07/2018 21:26

Stop enabling his helplessness. Your dc is as much his as yours and your Dp needs to step up and start being organised. Once you stop running round after him then he'll soon learn that he needs to make sure he has everything he needs for bath time or whatever. Ime a man like this will not let you have peace and quiet and a rest whilst he does these things. It usually boils down to resentment that you're at home all day whilst he works. 11 years later my stbexh is still very resentful of how I "sat on my backside all day doing nothing instead of going out to work." This is how that started. Start going out and let him cope with things. Once he's got it sorted then you might be able to have a rest whilst he does bath time or whatever. Nip it in the bud now.

BackforGood · 28/07/2018 21:30

You are enabling him though. You need, in the first instance to go out and leave them together in the first instance, until he knows he can do it.

Tbf, I wouldn't get out of the bath to dry and dress a baby then get back in to wash myself...... here's a thought - he could bath the baby, finish putting them to bed, then have his bath later Confused

bourbonbiccy · 28/07/2018 22:06

He does sound like he actually gets stuck in and trying but just doesn't seem very confident in certain aspects. I think it perfectly normal to ask for reassurance on the car seat/ water temperature with a new/first baby (you don't say how old you DC is or did I miss it sorry) I would hardly say he sounds like a lodger as he does sound like he does stuff but just not 100 percent of it.
My hubby and I still check each others temp on babies bath water for a second check and our LO Is nearly 1

And for the bits he can clearly do on his own, when he moves to start to change baby, I would go with him and say "right check you've got everything first" when he does leave him to it, do this a few times to get the routine, then when he shouts you the next time for help just say I'm sure you can cope.
But I think I prefer the gentle and helpful approach and once you gave done that then you can start saying "no Hun, this time your on your own" . Start by just nipping out for 30 mins at a time, to get him used to it.

Then you need to sit down and see what's acceptable and what's not. In my eyes it makes sense for him to jump in the babies bath water, but if that bugs you you need to tell him. I think it's a shame if he can't see it from your point of view and if he's not willing to change,.
Are you a SAHM and he works ?
Having a baby really does put even the strongest of relationships to the test. I hope things get better for you both and you both find a routine of what go

GiraffeObsessedBaby · 28/07/2018 22:12

Have you got family or friends close by who you could go sleep in a spare bed/sofa for a few hours? That way your still getting your sleep but making me manage.

My husband was similar but he was really unsure and had little confidence or bonding with our son. Now ds is 8 months old and interacts like a toddler my dh is so much more confident. And yet today was the third time he's been left alone for more than an hour as I went shopping with a friend. I didn't give him a choice I booked it and went. There's no other way he will learn - just the same as when you were left alone with the baby they have to figure it out.

Original poster
LlamaPyjamas · 28/07/2018 22:28

I am enabling his helplessness. But if I ignore him shouting for me he gets angry. I totally agree that two sets of hands are better than one. But if I’m always the second pair of hands I never get a break. He’s been a parent for six months now and still can’t parent on his own.

Yes I’m a SAHM and he works. I don’t know if that’s a factor in his attitude? He doesn’t appreciate that his time at work is actually a break from DC. I do all nights with DC which is a major factor in my exhaustion.

OP posts:
Astrid2 · 28/07/2018 22:49

Can he not bath the baby without being in the bath too? Then he can do it all himself!

DieAntword · 28/07/2018 22:53

Hand him the baby. Go out on your own and get some coffee. Ideally agree before hand that you need to do this to get a break but if he’s being a dick about it just go, say “I can’t cope on my own all the time” and stay out for a good few hours at least. If he gives you crap when you get back just say “if I can do it all the rest of the time you can handle this, you’re his parent too”. If he doesn’t get the message the first time keep doing it.

bourbonbiccy · 28/07/2018 22:54

Yeah, I believe being a SAHM is such a privilege, it also can be exhausting and an emotional rollercoaster at times.
He most definitely should not be getting angry with you, was he always a bit of an angry head or has this just started since the baby ?
Has he actually said how he sees your roles now you have a baby? Has he said he doesn't want to be hands ? What was he like when you were pregnant
I think a very honest conversation needs to be had on what his expectations are and what yours are? I know it's a cliche but you must keep talking and not "assuming " what the other feels or wants ( not that I'm saying you are in any way )
I

bourbonbiccy · 28/07/2018 22:58

Sorry but I know I wouldn't hand my baby to someone who I didn't think could cope and leave them for a few hours alone because they should "step up". I think that's a recipe for disaster and bloomin unfair on my baby who has to put up with it.

PerverseConverse · 28/07/2018 22:59

@bourbonbiccy being at SAHM is a privilege? At no point did I think it was a privilege to look after my own babies, it was my job! It was also my stbexh's job to equally parent when he wasn't out at work. Not that he did it equally but still.

PerverseConverse · 28/07/2018 23:02

Should add that by "my job" I don't mean I considered it "work" but rather my role as mother to care for them when they were babies.

Original poster
LlamaPyjamas · 28/07/2018 23:10

Can he not bath the baby without being in the bath too?
DC is too big for the baby bath and it’s easier to get in the big bath with him than to lean over the side. Plus we’re on a water meter and in the middle of a heatwave so it saves using two lots of water for DC bath and parent shower.

OP posts:
Original poster
LlamaPyjamas · 28/07/2018 23:16

I wouldn't hand my baby to someone who I didn't think could cope and leave them for a few hours alone because they should "step up”
I have handed the baby to DP and gone up to the bedroom. But when I hear DC crying and DP getting frustrated and saying STOP IT then I feel guilty the longer it goes on and eventually I just come downstairs and take DC.

Also if I leave DP with the baby he gets annoyed and says sarcastically “Thanks for spending time with me”. He thinks I should stay in the room with him while he has DC. But I want to go upstairs and have peace and quiet, not least because if I’m in the room I’ll inevitably be asked to hold or fetch etc.

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 28/07/2018 23:17

Go out, or send them out to the library/park/soft play together.

Are you breastfeeding? Cosleeping has been a huge sanity and sleep saver for us there as a 6mo can latch and feed without you even needing to sit up/put a light on (you mentioned doing nights on your own and being knackered)

Good luck. It’s so tough feeling like you have to be responsible 24 hours a day.

Original poster
LlamaPyjamas · 28/07/2018 23:26

Yes I’m breastfeeding. Cosleeping is great for naps but not at night when I end up sharing my half of the bed with DC and being sandwiched between DC and large DP in an uncomfortable position that causes hip and back pain.

OP posts:
bourbonbiccy · 28/07/2018 23:36

@PerverseConverse it is a privilege in my eyes as there are many mums I know who would love to be a SAHM but simply don't have that luxury. Sorry you don't see it like that.
It's a shame you had a bad experience of this with your ex and he didn't meet what you expected of him, that must be difficult.

Each parent has a role to play in the upbringing of a child be it predominantly carer or provider. Then a mixture of both split up with what suits that couple, it's not always 50/50 and do you know want, that's ok if it's ok with them there is no magic formula.

In my opinion, whoever the main care giver is to a child normally has a better understanding of want that child needs in regards to what cues they give when hungry or tired, how to best settle and all the quirks our LOs have as they spend 12 hours a day with them when the other is out at work missing out on that.

So a little bit of extra time and patience is allowed for the parent who misses out on all that and Is trying to get to grips with it with the couple of hours (if they're lucky)a night they get with the DS.

Op he really shouldn't be getting angry with you..another reason I wouldn't leave him with a child if he a,ready looked like he couldn't cope.

bourbonbiccy · 28/07/2018 23:46

@LlamaPyjamas yes you are doing the right thing I think that's the only way to start, I definitely wouldn't leave the house with them alone until he can cope. IMO.

@LlamaPyjamas I remember them days of being in the same room with hubby and DC, and you can't help but step in and take over so it's no rest for you. He sounds like he can't adjust to the fact he is not your main priority and "thanks for spending time with him" he needs to know, while it is a priority for the both of you to still have time together, that is not the main priority now,,, you DC is the main priority now.

Sorry to say but sounds like he needs to grow up a little bit with that sort of attitude,. Do you think he is a lost cause with taking care of DC, is he just not interested

SpaceDinosaur · 28/07/2018 23:47

My DH was a bit of a wet weekend for a few weeks, not months but we talked about it.

"Can you get me a towel" would be met with my replying "what would you have done if I wasn't here?"

"Can you dress her"
"Yup, but I'm not gonna, you're both perfectly capable and lacking the practice"

"Shit I need a nappy"
"Yup. So what are you going to do about it?"

"Darling, I love you. When you spend time with our baby I need a moment to relax as myself. Just for a bit. Your inability to plan or problem solve around her beggars belief because you're a capable and intelligent human being. Step up and adult"

MarthasGinYard · 28/07/2018 23:56

Just go out and leave him to it.

Original poster
LlamaPyjamas · 29/07/2018 00:41

"Can you get me a towel" would be met with my replying "what would you have done if I wasn't here?"
DP would say “But you ARE here!”

When DP finally takes DC off my hands I just want to relax. Away from crying and giggling and toys that squeak and play music. Yes I know DP has just walked through the door and hasn’t seen me all day. It’s not that I don’t want to sit with him. I just don’t want to sit with DC. I need a break! So I go to bed and DP gets annoyed that basically he’s walked in and I’ve walked out.

OP posts: