How to get DP to look after baby without my help?

[LlamaPyjamas]

I’m always on duty. DP is incapable of looking after the baby on his own. If he changes the baby he shouts for me to fetch clean clothes. If he feeds the baby he shouts for me to bring wipes. If he baths the baby he shouts for me to dress him while he finishes washing himself. If he cooks or cleans or goes to the supermarket I have to look after the baby. If he puts the baby in his car seat he asks me to check it’s fastened correctly. If I go upstairs to nap I end up coming back down because the baby has been crying for 20 minutes and DP isn’t resolving the situation.

When DP is at work I do all of these things on my own. I put the baby in his high chair while I cook or clean. I leave him on the mat while I fetch clothes or wipes. I take him to the supermarket with me. I stop what I’m doing and soothe him if he cries. I don’t see why DP can’t handle it on his own?

He says there’s two of us so why should he get out of the bath, wrap himself in a towel while he dresses the baby, then pop the baby in his rocker and get back in the bath, when it’s easier to just stay in the bath and shout for me to take the baby? Or why should he struggle round the supermarket with a baby when he could leave the baby with me and make his shopping trip easier? How about because I’m having a rest!

I know I could just go out and leave him with the baby but I don’t want to - I’m exhausted and I want to spend my free time at home watching tv or sleeping. Why should I have to go out just to get a break? I feel like I’m either on sole or joint duty all of the time. I’m never off duty and I’m exhausted to the point of tears. Last week I passed out with exhaustion and fell down the stairs. I don’t know what to do?

I used to be scratching at the windows to get out when DP came back sometimes.

Even just half an hour In the car on my own I'd feel so much better.

I thought perhaps he was anxious about getting something wrong, but I think in fact PerverseConverse is closer to the mark and this is a control thing or a snide dig at you for "having it easy".

It's the angry, sarcastic responses which give it away. He's not even concerned at your extreme level of exhaustion - falling down the stairs. He's resentful of you "having a rest" - most partners, even the most strictly adherent to gender roles don't begrudge their wives a rest.

If he was being more reasonable, I'd suggest talking to him seriously about how tired you are and explaining that you need him to take responsibility and that it's OK if he makes mistakes because you have also made mistakes, and your child has survived - and then as others have said start making more time where he's totally responsible for DC and you don't have that on you.

However I do not think this is a reasonable man. I wonder if there are other unreasonable things/expectations/reactions he has or does too, because honestly it all sounds suspiciously like manipulation, guilt trips, control and deliberate feigned incompetence designed to put you off asking him for help - and it's working, because he knows you won't put your child in harm's way in order to make a point. (I'm not for a second suggesting that you should.)

My ex was similar BTW - if he changed a nappy he'd do things like leave the old shitty nappy on the floor wide open and then wander off to wash his hands and leave DS to crawl directly to the nappy and play with it I mean just WTF. That's not cluelessness, it's deliberate. And after that incident he simply refused to change any nappies which meant that I was actually unable to leave DS with him, because he would leave him to get a sore bum instead of changing him. It was just control, and I didn't see it until much later. In hindsight, the fact he was controlling me was bad enough. The fact he was prepared to use his own child, to directly cause/ignore his suffering in the pursuit of controlling me - that beggars belief. It's probably why I couldn't see it for so long because it's incomprehensible that somebody would deliberately do that. But some men do.

I think the realisation hit me that he was doing it on purpose/had utterly skewed expectations at the point where we went out for dinner, and my cousin, who had no experience with babies and had known DS (then 8mo) for a grand total of about 48 hours, babysat so I invited my mum and sister over to keep her company and help out - and XP was FURIOUS - utterly and totally incensed - because when he "babysat" he "didn't get any help" and it "wasn't fair". We never even had our dinner because he ranted about it all the way there to the point that I felt sick and didn't want to eat any more.

I agree with other posters that your DP isn't just a bit inexperienced and helpless - he seems to be making a point of principle. It sounds like he doesn't think you deserve a break.

Are you both 100% on board with you being a SAHM, or is he secretly resentful about being the only breadwinner? Being a SAHM can only work if the working parent fully supports and values your role (and, obviously, you support and value his role in taking on the earning responsibility). I was a SAHM for several years and loved it, but only because DH genuinely valued what I was doing.

I think you need to have a serious chat with your DP. Not just about his role as a Dad but also about your partnership. You need to make sure you're on the same page here. Otherwise, it would be better for you to go back to work as you'll always be fighting against his attitude.

Incidentally (just to mention a MN favourite), if you're not married and a SAHM you are in a very vulnerable financial position if you ever separate. Your career will have taken a massive hit and his won't, and this won't be reflected in maintenance payments if you're not married. I'd advise either going back to work or getting married in order to protect yourself financially.

100% what BertieBotts wrote. This is about control. Sit down and have a proper talk. Could you also ask him to take your baby to soft play or something where there are lots of people around. He will manage on his own but be surrounded by people so not able to get frustrated and shouty. It will improve his confidence. Plus, with all the double standards about men parenting he will probably get lots of feedback about "what a great dad he is." I'm guessing he will like that.

It does sound manipulative but looking after a baby can be rewarding but he hasn't found that out yet. Try commenting on how happy baby is if he has just done something with him, or how baby loves when DH does whatever it is, he is so relaxed with DH etc
Avoiding a martyr competition would be a good idea, both would win if you have a new baby!
Getting in the bath with him means a bath is not a relaxing rest for the adult. Baby doesn't need much bath water in this weather, just a few inches to splash in really.

Not minimising the wider situation about him getting angry with you, but taking care of a baby with confidence on your own takes practise. And you have had 10 x more practise than him. This will only improve if he does it more and I agree with pp about you going out the house, even if just to start with

It gets worse with every update OP. This man is abusive and is likely to get worse over time. Knowing what I do know I'd be phoning women's aid and looking at the freedom program as I'm sure you'll recognise a lot more of his behaviour as abusive from there. I'm so sorry you're going through this but please do as many have suggested and go out for a while. How's your Dp going to cope as a single parent if you don't let him get on with things now?? I'm sorry but that's the likelihood of what's going to happen if he carries on like this and you leave him. I'd have a chat with your health visitor too as they are usually pretty supportive. I used to sit and cry in the clinic because I was so exhausted. I wish I'd have got out of that relationship so much sooner. for you OP

I wouldn't hand my baby to someone who I didn't think could cope and leave them for a few hours alone because they should "step up".

Oh no, call the midwife to take my dd back because I had virtually no experience of babies when I had her, no family support either. We both avoided bathing her for the first week or two - it seemed impossible with this wriggling ball of baby. We emptied half a reservoir and caused a cotton wool ball shortage instead. You know what she is 13 now and she survived. Dh had to learn too as I went back to work some weekends so he had to step up and take charge. The inexperience wouldn't bother me, the getting cross would. I did have to learn to bite my tounge and realise that he had to learn for himself that a lopsided nappy would leak more than a one with aligned fasteners.

I think that you have two options- if you think that it is due to inexperience then you need to go out and leave him to it, maybe once a week you go out for 3 hours, then he gets 3 hours total leisure time too.

If it is due to resentment and belief about your role in the house then you need to reconsider what you want from the relationship, I would definitely go back to work though to give yourself options.

But if I ignore him shouting for me he gets angry

That jumped off the screen at me.

Why? Angry with who, you or the baby?

That is not a normal or reasonable reaction.

We all had to learn how to deal with a baby as new parents, why won’t he?

He doesn’t sound great and I wonder too if he resents your ‘easy’ life at home whilst he is out at work.

Dh is a sahd, I work full time. He loves the fact one of us can be at home with the children. But being at home is bloody hard, I doubt I could do it.

When are you due to return to work? I wouldn’t sacrifice my earning potential for such a man, too risky in the long run. (Even if you are married). Back to work 50/50 each. (But bet he has the excuse he earns more, has a harder day, longer commute, has to collect his own cheese and pickle sandwich from Greggs so his day a faaaar harder than yours, so you must do more childcare, housework, thinking at home).

I was coming on to say Deliberate Incompetence too but Bertie beat me to it. At best it's laziness, at worst it's control/abuse and could escalate. You have the fear just enough to keep you inplace, if you try to push back and he increases the fear factor then it's abuse. I second Womens Aid freedom programme. It's £12 online. Helps recognise the difference between a normal equal partner and an abusive one. Also look up DAVRO - Deny, accuse, reverse victim order. It's like a bloody script these men work from. I'm just coming out the other side of this. I could well be projecting. I hope for you this is not the case but there's no harm in learning about these types of men. Best wishes

He's completely competent at doing these things. He's either lazy or scared. At some point he needs to grow out of it and realise you need a break. When I went back to work, doing nights etc, I was exhausted, I couldn't take anymore. I told DP that he needed to step up and do more, especially with night waking, I had gotten to the point I wanted to smash my head into the wall so I could Atleast sit on an a and e bed for four hours and I told him so.
Let your dh know how frigging tiring it is being a parent, show him first hand by buggering off for the day and leaving him to it. By the time you get back he will realise how bloody tiring and difficult it is. If he still can't handle being the only parent on duty for an hour or so then he can bugger off.

He shouts "stop it" at a six month old baby?

Your problems are much much bigger than an incompetent dad.

Tell him if you split he will have sole charge of his child 24/7 for 3.5 days a week, and he'll soon have to learn to sort his work and life out around that. If that was the reality for separated couples, men would soon pull their finger out!

I’ve been awake half the night so I woke DP at 8.30 and asked him to take the baby downstairs for change, shower and breakfast. He sat in bed holding him for about 20 minutes. So I said the baby needs to be up in the daylight not lying here in a wet nappy, please will you get up and take him away so I can have a lie in. He got up and shouted “What’s wrong with us sitting here! Come on Baby, let’s go, we’re not wanted!” and has stomped off downstairs.

I am utterly defeated. I want to rest and feel that DP is glad for me to rest while he looks after his child with love and joy, not resentment and anger. He’s trying to make me feel like I’m in the wrong for asking him to get up with the baby for an hour.

If you can't rest now

Get up

Grab a book/kindle

Go out

Even if you sit in a cafe/beauty spot for a couple of hours.

Does he realise how tired you are, OP? Have you told him that you're so exhausted you want to cry?

If he can't see that you need him, he has the empathy of a potato

OP he is abusive. I think you need to be thinking of an exit plan. He's using your baby against you, and is manipulative. Luckily your baby is too young to understand what he is saying but if they were a child they'd understand and think you didn't want them. That's emotional abuse of the child. He's making your normal needs out to be unreasonable. Typical abusive behaviour. Please phone women's aid

Why? Angry with who, you or the baby?
Angry with me because the baby needs clothes/wipes/muslin/whatever and he’s shouting for me to go and fetch it, and I ignore him because I don’t see why he can’t fetch it himself. He always expects me to help him to parent, I can never just sit in another room while he parents on his own.

So get up

Go out

Have some space

A real conversation needs to be had. He's obviously resentful and you are exhausted. His response to a serious conversation where he is told that you are exhausted and need a break, that he is acting incompetent and his relationship with baby will suffer on the long term because of this will give you all the answers you need

LlamaPyjamas he’s being incredibly unfair, and selfish to boot. It sounds to me like he made a point of staying in bed with the baby to make sure you couldn’t rest. Which is not only petty and childish, it actually demonstrates a complete lack of respect for you and your needs, and also the baby’s.

Go out

I think he is resentful of me being a SAHM. He’s a high earner. I’m not. My boss was bullying and I kept crying about going to work, so DP said he’d support me if I took a part-time job somewhere else to escape the situation. But then he whinged repeatedly that I wasn’t contributing enough. Then I got pregnant and my work “mysteriously” had no more hours for me because they didn’t want the hassle of maternity So now I have no maternity pay and no job to go back to, I’ll have to get a new one.

I’m not worried about eroding my earning potential by having time off. I had no earning potential to begin with. Being supported while having this time to be SAHM is a gift. I can go back any time to any min wage job and be no worse off.

It sounds to me like he made a point of staying in bed with the baby to make sure you couldn’t rest
Yes. Like when I asked him to look after the baby one night and he put the big light on every time he got up instead of the nightlight. Or when he held the baby but got angry because I wanted to go to bed early instead of watching tv and spending Friday night with him. Etc etc.