How to get DP to look after baby without my help?

[LlamaPyjamas]

I’m always on duty. DP is incapable of looking after the baby on his own. If he changes the baby he shouts for me to fetch clean clothes. If he feeds the baby he shouts for me to bring wipes. If he baths the baby he shouts for me to dress him while he finishes washing himself. If he cooks or cleans or goes to the supermarket I have to look after the baby. If he puts the baby in his car seat he asks me to check it’s fastened correctly. If I go upstairs to nap I end up coming back down because the baby has been crying for 20 minutes and DP isn’t resolving the situation.

When DP is at work I do all of these things on my own. I put the baby in his high chair while I cook or clean. I leave him on the mat while I fetch clothes or wipes. I take him to the supermarket with me. I stop what I’m doing and soothe him if he cries. I don’t see why DP can’t handle it on his own?

He says there’s two of us so why should he get out of the bath, wrap himself in a towel while he dresses the baby, then pop the baby in his rocker and get back in the bath, when it’s easier to just stay in the bath and shout for me to take the baby? Or why should he struggle round the supermarket with a baby when he could leave the baby with me and make his shopping trip easier? How about because I’m having a rest!

I know I could just go out and leave him with the baby but I don’t want to - I’m exhausted and I want to spend my free time at home watching tv or sleeping. Why should I have to go out just to get a break? I feel like I’m either on sole or joint duty all of the time. I’m never off duty and I’m exhausted to the point of tears. Last week I passed out with exhaustion and fell down the stairs. I don’t know what to do?

'Being supported while having this time to be SAHM is a gift.'

Not really

Not for you, how you are being treated.

So can you go out for a while?

This doesn't sound anything like a "gift" to me.

With every update, he sounds more like a selfish, abusive bastard. This is beyond being nervous about having the baby on his own. With a grown man shouting "stop it" at a 6mo, I'd honestly be thinking more along the lines of getting out than getting him to step up, because I'd be concerned that at some point that would escalate to shaking or hitting the baby.

In the short term, are you getting out to any groups etc? Do you have friends or family nearby? Do you have a relationship with your HV?

OP, it's not only that you're eroding your earning potential (fair enough if you say that's not the case for you), it's also that he's benefiting from you being a SAHM (by maintaining or improving his own earning potential) without having to do anything in return - not even give you the tiniest bit of help and support.

He's the one getting a gift, not you!

'Being supported while having this time to be SAHM is a gift.'

But you’re not being supported!!!
He’s paying the bills but driving you to insanity with a lack of practical support.
Speak to him.

You cannot win by the sounds of it.

He wants you to be SAHM and do every single last second of baby care so that he doesn't have to. Yet he wants your full attention as well. What does he want? A wife/partner or a live in nanny?

He claims not to need/want you to work yet complains that you do not "contribute enough" - I would hazard a guess that especially now you're not working, he also watches every penny you spend and begrudges anything he doesn't find fitting, possibly "balancing" this with lavish gifts which you don't especially need or want but are expected to be gushing and grateful for. And if you point out that you need money for X he complains "I just gave you Y" when this isn't relevant or equivalent in the slightest.

Stop helping him, pack a bag with all the necessities for baby and if he asks for something direct him to the bag. If he gets angry go out (he's got the bag). Keep a spare bottle and some ready to use formula in the bag too, you don't have to use it but you'll know it's there so baby won't starve.

This just seems to get worse the more you say, I'm so sorry for your situation with him and with a young baby.
Please please don't leave the baby with him if he is aggressive and abusive to you both, if he is already shouting at the baby, God knows what would happen when you leave them alone together, as inevitably the baby will cry when you leave and if he already can't cope he could just get that frustrated and do something you will both regret. I think it's better to be over cautious in these situations, better to regret being over protective than the alternative.
Maybe try getting out to a baby group and making a friend who could come and watch the baby for an hour while you sleep and Your partner is at work. Obviously that is just a short term solution, I think you need to look at leaving, even it's only a temporary split until he learns to control his emotions and slowly learns to look after your DC