Getting in a pickle arranging return to work and childcare with friend

[Jellybabie3]

So....long one

I am planning my return to work. Up until now DS was going to a friend who is a registered childminder who lives locally, full time, although no contracts have ever been drawn up etc. Now that I have been on leave, I quite simply dont want to go back full time. I spoke to my friend and mentioned this a few weeks ago and she initially didnt seem overly impressed but then said fair enough, she understands.

Now i have spoken to HR and my boss has been brilliant...I want to go 3 days. Or atleast do it as a trial as it will be financially tight but of course my son comes first (in my mind). It turns out I also have a tonne of leave to use which could allow me to return to work later, to save on more childcare and save me taking leave for when my childminder is away in the October holidays (and avoid paying her whilst shes away) When i hinted about this last week with the childminder she wasnt happy and said it was putting her in an awkward position to need to fill gaps. I feel like crap but obviously want to take the time with my son.

What do i do here. Work want to know what I am doing but I feel like I cant open my mouth to either without risking complicating the situation more....

I think you need to find another child care provider.

Well it sounds like she has a point. She needs to know well in advance what her income is going to be and it sounds like you still haven't given her a straight answer as to when you're returning.

So yeah I think she's regretting accepting you. She could have looked for a full timer instead.

Perhaps you should take a look at nurseries?

You need a new childminder, simple. Your friend can’t just not fill gaps, it’s literally her job.

It may be that your indecision affects your relationship with this childminder so brace yourself for having to look for new childcare. You can see her point that she could be losing out whilst you are saving if she holds your place. She obviously doesn’t have to if you are planning to breach your contact BUT & it’s a big BUT you don’t get this time again with baby. Don’t risk stressing yourself out by returning to work full time when you feel you don’t have too and don’t want to.

Nurseries around here cost so much more. I want to do 3 days but now I am scared to say.

God. I've really mucked this up 😣

It sounds lien she accepted your son as a mindee on a full time basis. It may be harder for her to find another child to fill the days you now don’t want which leaves her with less money.

I agree with the PP who suggested you look at nurseries, or another childminder. You can then speak to your friend and say, if you’d rather not have son part time, you have found some possible alternatives.

There are childminders who will do 3 days, but if she was expecting 5 days money and now you’re saying it’ll only be 3, and she’s unlikely to find someone else to fill the other 2 days, she’s not unreasonable. It’s her livelihood - how would you feel if someone had promised you 5 days pay a week from a certain date and now it’s only 3 days from 2 months later? She’s quite possibly turned down others because she’s committed the time to you. So you’re not unreasonable to want the time with your son, but she’s well within her rights to be a bit miffed!

The ball is in her court then. If she’s happy to accept you part time, she can’t complain. You will have given her a get out if she needs it.

Oh dear. You've really messed her about. I would ask her if you can secure a place for October and do it all by the book, giving her a deposit so this time she knows you are serious. If she's not happy to do this - and I wouldn't blame her, then you need to find alternative childcare.

why wouldn't you pay for the holidays? you pay a nursery when you go on holidays or they close for a week anyway

I honestly feel like crap. I've been putting off thinking about it because i didnt want tp and now I've mucked it up. I think she feels obliged to still take him because we are close but obviously its not fair. Feck

Because if i dont go back to work til later i wouldnt be paying her at all until later

Yes what Morris said - obviously your friend needs either a full-time customer or two part-time customers whose needs tessellate to each other exactly (much more difficult to find) in order to make ends meet.

A nursery or a childminder whose personal finances don't rely on full-time-only will be what you need.

Alternatively did you meet any other mums of young babies whilst on leave who live locally and might be interested in a time-share arrangement on a full-time place with your friend?

I don't think you've messed her about, but I do think you should have an honest chat now. Let her know what you want and ask if it suits. If not, go elsewhere. Nurseries can be great and there's no issues with a childminder being unavailable due to illness or holidays. Plus if you later want to change your hours you won't feel like you're "messing anyone around". Honestly you shouldn't be feeling this way about returning to work. The right childcare should make you feel better, not worse.

OK i think i have to suggest 3 days back at the original return date. And see what happens

You need to talk to her. Say you’re really sorry and you know you’ve kicked her about, it’s not intentional and you didn’t know you would be able to go part time. If she needs the 5 days say you understand and look for another childcare option - a childminder who can do 3 days maybe. She might be able to find someone for 2 days so it will balance. You need to pay her when you take holidays though, she can’t just lose money there.

She does take part time kids. Thats not the issuem its the fact she relied on me for 5 and now I am saying 3

I think you need to get a definite answer from work about the pt working/use of AL, then tell your friend clearly what you want to do.

Do this ASAP and then she can say yes or no.

Tbh, I don’t think she should be too astonished that your plans have changed following maternity leave, but she does need notice to make plans or find someone else to take the slot.

You can be friendly with your childminder but it’s way harder for your friend to childmid for you. As you’re finding
I’d look elsewhere. What if you disagree with how she plans her time with your ds? Much easier when it’s your friendly childminder

It sounds like she held a place for you with no deposit as your are friends. Now you are reneging on your part. No good deed goes unpunished. I would apologise profusely about messing her around.

I think the most sensible option is finding another childminder.

I did the same as you after maternity leave 1 (reduced days) so can understand how you are feeling. It’s also understandable that she feels upset at the huge financial impact it’ll have on her.

Honestly, after being on mat leave it's really common for people to decide they want to return to work part-time. This not something to feel bad about 😀

Of course I will pay her for holidays, i just meant if she started later (after her hols) then i wouldn't have been paying her yet

I kind of think she would be insulted now if i went elsewhere....