Getting in a pickle arranging return to work and childcare with friend

[Jellybabie3]

So....long one

I am planning my return to work. Up until now DS was going to a friend who is a registered childminder who lives locally, full time, although no contracts have ever been drawn up etc. Now that I have been on leave, I quite simply dont want to go back full time. I spoke to my friend and mentioned this a few weeks ago and she initially didnt seem overly impressed but then said fair enough, she understands.

Now i have spoken to HR and my boss has been brilliant...I want to go 3 days. Or atleast do it as a trial as it will be financially tight but of course my son comes first (in my mind). It turns out I also have a tonne of leave to use which could allow me to return to work later, to save on more childcare and save me taking leave for when my childminder is away in the October holidays (and avoid paying her whilst shes away) When i hinted about this last week with the childminder she wasnt happy and said it was putting her in an awkward position to need to fill gaps. I feel like crap but obviously want to take the time with my son.

What do i do here. Work want to know what I am doing but I feel like I cant open my mouth to either without risking complicating the situation more....

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong op and you’ve acted with the best of intentions.

But my personal advice is that finding an alternative arrangement would be best simply because there may well be times in the future where you need to raise concerns, complain, disagree, discuss money ... and it’s easier to do so with someone you purely have a business relationship with.

Putting your baby elsewhere means keeping your friendship intact.

she’d be insulted if I went elsewhere

Zactly.

You’re thinking about your friend, not your baby.

But will you lose your holidays? Look you are close so have this conversation with her. She what she says. You have potentially messed her about undoubtedly but to be honest lots of people find that their feelings and circumstances change when they have the reality of a baby. I have managed lots of returners to work and it’s rare that plan a made whilst pregnant is stuck to. You need to switch your thinking to the fact that you are employing someone to met your family needs. If the fact that she is a friend is making this tricky then you do need to rethink if it will work long term.

I would just need to use all my hol by march which may annoy my boss as i will be using alot (30 something days). And of course everytime i have my son i am paying childcare too so from my perspective it would be better for ds start date to be latrr. But. I can totally see how crap that is so I think I need to go with the proposed start date

You have both been a bit silly in mixing work and pleasure because neither of you had anything firm in place. It is not just you at fault, she should have firmed this up and got you to pay a deposit, not just accepted you saying you'd like to do full-time ages ago.

I would approach her now and say what others have said, that you don't want to go fulltime back to work and if that doesn't work for her, that's entirely understandable and you'll seek care elsewhere. She may be fine with 3 days. Just put it in writing your agreement and fix a time for restarting.

It may be that having a friend do this is more trouble than it's worth and you could bail now and go to a nursery where it will be a lot less personal.

Childminders really do get booked up ages in advance and it is awkward for them to fill the odd day and the odd space. I'm currently looking for one in September and out of loads I've contacted, only one has space for what I need and that's only wrap-around care after school.

You need to make it clear to her what days you want and ask her if that works for her or not. She will likely have turned down others wanting childcare on the assumption she had a full time placement with you. At the end of the day she is your friend but she also has a business to run.

Also as others have said, it is best in this situation to have a working relationship with your childminder rather than a friend. A friend or family member looking after your child for an hour or two a couple of days is completely different to looking after your child on a full-time basis.

Remove the fact it's your friend. You need to decide (and quickly) what your plans are going to be.

Our childminder does allow part timers (ds goes for 3 hours 4 days a week) and this fits nicely around the other kids she has. When we were looking, not all childminders would allow these hours, simply because they prefer 1 full timer.

Decide on what you want and ask your friend. She may well have turned down a genuine full timer to accommodate you.

If she's charging whilst she's closed, I would use another provider anyway. Ds's childminder doesn't charge if she's on holiday, but does charge if WE go away/don't send ds.

Whilst using a friend can seem a great idea, you may find your relationship becomes difficult, especially if you have issues with the care your dc receives. Maybe find another childminder who can accommodate what you want.

Would you pay a retainer for the time until you went back? What if 3 days does not work out and you need ft, do you expect her to fit your dc in or are you willing to accept she may have anther child booked already. Tbh friendship and business are often a poor mix and your indecision may affect it either way now.

OK i can speak to my boss asap and I guess i need to go through it all again with dh before i open my mouth. I am seeing her today though.

i just meant if she started later (after her hols) then i wouldn't have been paying her yet

She's arranged to keep a place open for you (and therefore lose pay) on the basis that she will start looking after your child fairly soon, and under your original proposals you were asking her to keep that place open without pay until after her holiday in October, and then you wanted her to earn less than she would have done originally. That's massively unreasonable, so it's as well that you've changed your mind about it - particularly given that you will presumably be paid in full.

When you say you will have a lot of holiday entitlement, won't that reduce if you are part time?

Yes i know i am being unreasonable. I can see that now.

Yes it will be prorated leave. But still 30+ days as I had some left over.

I honestly didnt think this through properly. Not my intention at all. So

It would be good to get him used to being away from you anyway when you don't have the pressure of being at work too. A few days to update your wardrobe, maybe a KIT day or two? Start early and build him up slowly so when you do start back he will be settled. You might want some holiday for when he is ill too. Although you might be able to take carers leave, holiday might be more palatable to your employer. Discuss whether some holiday could be carried over so you have some for next year if he is ill too.

Yes all good points thanks. I will keep the leave and use as and when for illness etc

I am just freaking out now regarding pp about deciding we cant afford for me to drop 3 days at a later date. Of course there is no guarantee she can take him on for more and I wouldn't expect that. Its all such a gamble.

The reality is the nurseries here are double the cost so if i explore that I will be full time.

So basically I've mucked about my best hope of spending time with DS. Such a prat.

I feel like crap but obviously want to take the time with my son.

If it is homestly only about time with your son, and nothing to do with saving money, then it's easily sorted. Pay the child minder for full time care, and enjoy your time with your child. If there is something about saving money too, then you are no longer a good fit for the childminder and should make other arrangements.

I kind of think she would be insulted now if i went elsewhere....

If she could fill your place with a full timers, i doubt that she would feel 'insulted' by being paid what she was expecting to be paid.

It's not unusual for new mums to change their minds about going back to work full time, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Step 1 establish with your boss exactly what you'll be doing

Step 2 apologise to the CM and explain what you want to do and reassure her that if it's not ok, then no hard feelings if she'd rather you found elsewhere.

You can't just not pay her for her holiday, that's not fair. It saves you money but costs her as she can't fill the space.

I would happily pay her full time and spend time with son but we cant afford it. I can go back full time and have extra money at the end of the month or go back part time and cut right back but spend time with ds

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Loads of people think they'll return full time then change their mind during maternity leave. This is to be expected. Can you have a chat with your friend while you're husband is there? Or get him to call with this himself? At the moment it sounds like you'll agree to whatever you think the childminder wants, rather than what suits your family. I think you need to write down what you need and look into other options. There may be other childminders available too.

Your husband, not you're
And call you get him to deal with this himself

I will pay her for her holidays

So basically I've mucked about my best hope of spending time with DS.

He won't remember, if you go back 3 days a week then you will still be with him over half the week. To be honest he will remember much more the family holidays when he is 8, the Christmas when he is 5 and he gets the most longed for present, etc. etc. Does your dh have the same guilt and presumably he has been back at work for a while?

Another avenue to explore is both you and dh going part time or doing condensed hours. If dh went part time four days a week and you worked four days a week your son would get a day with each parent and three days with the childminder. Due to tax it is often more efficient to have two part time parents. Also it means that there is more even parenting and he learns to take responsibility for his son alone. Worth looking at the figures.

It must be fairly common with childminders for people returning to work to reduce the amount of time that they say that they need. I'm sure the Holy Grail is full-time children. The fact is that lots of children vary their hours particularly as they start school. An experienced childminder will try and manage the flow of children and the hours that they are expecting to work but no system is perfect.

Just tell your childminder what hours you wanted to work and from when. Personally I think you need to be prepared to pay from when you said you would need a even if only part time and including her holidays.

Play The Long Game here presumably you will want her to mind your children for a number of years now and you must think that she's the best person for the job. You will still be saving money compared to nursery. When you talk to her tell her that she is your preferred Choice of Child Care provider. Also acknowledge that you don't want your friendship to suffer by entering into a business relationship. Be honest get past this initial hitch. If she woukd rather have a full time child and is prepared to turn you down be prepared and dont blame her.

Well I am going to chat to boss about returning october and hope she will then let me have the october hols off to cover when childminder is on leave. Then offer to pay deposit to childminder as well if she is happy 3 days a week. Then will need to negotiate days i will work....

If my boss would rather i use leave before the October hols (so its not worth me going in for 8 days to have a week and a half off) i can put ds with childminder for half days or something (pay full) to get him settled and spend the rest of the time bracing myself for return to work (i dont actually want to go back!!)

Days to work is awkward to as i want monday (for bank hols) and friday (for ds classes) so who the hell do i speak to first, boss or childminder....