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Original poster

How do I politely say you cannot look after my son?

57 replies

221291Cc · 07/07/2018 07:25

Hi everyone,
So I have a 8 week old son, I’m happy for our parents to look after him, even my close friend and my other half’s older brother.

however, my partners younger brother has a girlfriend (let’s say sister in law) who is constantly asking when she can have him, originally she wanted to have him overnight but my partner convinced her she wouldn’t like getting up all night, so now she wants him for an evening.

But she has caused so many problems in the family, she treats my partners brother really badly, I’m sure it’s emotional abuse. I had a big falling out with her when I was pregnant but that just isolated my brother in law, so I accepted her apology a few days before our due date. I don’t trust her to look after my 8 week old who is my whole world when she can’t even treat adults with respect. I’d be on edge knowing my little man is with her unsupervised, I know it sounds silly but I wouldn’t relax.

But my other half is a peacekeeper and wants me to keep things nice for the sake of his brother, he’s supports me in not letting her look after our little man. But I can’t keep making excuses as to why she can’t babysit when she asks, what do I do?

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BrutusMcDogface · 07/07/2018 07:31

Just say no! At 8 weeks, he's far too young. But surely if you keep coming up with excuses, she'll get the message and stop asking?!

slowrun · 07/07/2018 07:32

Just say he's been 'unsettled' and you need to spend time with him, yourself, to establish a routine. Won't be a lie, babies often are unsettled, at some point at least. 8 weeks is really young anyway. You'll still be getting to know your baby yourself.

BIWI · 07/07/2018 07:34

Just say no! He's too young to go anywhere without you. And your partner should be having a word with his brother making it clear that your baby isn't a toy!

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annandale · 07/07/2018 07:36

Vague but firm.

'Oh not at the moment, you know how babies are'
'When he's older like 18 that would be fabulous'

She sounds a complete weirdo tbh.

Boxerbinky · 07/07/2018 07:38

I understand your dilemma, I had a similar scenario but with step monster in law insisting she should be allowed to take my ds and it had to be overnight. I wasn't comfortable with this. She kept badgering which was the start of the end of our relationship!

In hindsight I wish I'd just been politely direct and said. I'm not comfortable leaving him just yet, thank you for the kind offer but we will ask for help with child care when we decide the time is right and in the meantime can you stop mentioning it. Thank you!

The truth is if she is not someone you trust you are never going to leave him with her so don't beat around the bush. It was just assumed that we would leave ds after only a few days with the mil, but I had my other family members that trusted and well knew better. People don't have a right to privileges with your child.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 07/07/2018 07:38

If you say yes, you're setting a precedent with her, it will be harder to say no next time. Just be kind and honest, thanks for the offer but I'm not comfortable with that. Change the subject.
If she's difficult about it after that, I would treat it as boundary pushing and my no would become hell no!

flumpybear · 07/07/2018 07:38

No!
She's probably got no experience and your baby is far too young - not a chance in hell! I've never left my kids with my brother even who has no experience with kids - albeit he's not interested anyway lol!

Discotits · 07/07/2018 07:40

I’m not sure you need to be polite do you? If my partner’s brother’s girlfriend was asking me this question she’d be getting this face . She’s not exactly family or a friend is she and your child is not her dolly. Wide berth.

PotteringAlong · 07/07/2018 07:40

Most people wouldn’t allow their 8 week old to be looked after by anyone at all. Just say he’s too young.

littlecabbage · 07/07/2018 07:42

No way. He is tiny and vulnerable, and your first responsibility is to him. He isn't a toy to be passed around to amuse other people.

She has no right to ask for him. Be firm - tell her no.

SunnySomer · 07/07/2018 07:43

He’s a baby not a dolly! I don’t understand why on Earth she would want him overnight anyway, but certainly it is totally reasonable for you to just say he needs his mother. And to continue to do so.

rainingcatsanddog · 07/07/2018 07:44

Just say no. You can blame being an anxious first time mother.

Most people wouldn't do this with an "IL" that they didn't know well so yanbu to say it.

Foodylicious · 07/07/2018 07:45

Just no.
It's very unusual for baby to be away from you at all at such a young age.

JayRayDay · 07/07/2018 07:45

Just say he's too young for babysitting.

yearofthewoman · 07/07/2018 07:46

I didn't leave my first born with anyone other than DP till he was 5 months - and that was a one off. I didn't leave him again till he was a year.

Don't be pressured, she's being very odd.

FranticallyPeaceful · 07/07/2018 07:47

8 weeks is a bit young to be passed around like that anyway. How completely bizarre... just say no

SoftBallSophie · 07/07/2018 07:49

8 week old? No way.

AlbertaSimmons · 07/07/2018 07:49

Have him overnight at 8 weeks? No. Half an hour, in your own home while you have a shower? Maybe.

Sleephead1 · 07/07/2018 07:56

hes only 8 weeks old I find it a bit strange she's so desperate to look after him. Most people know that new mothers may not be comfortable with that. I think because you are happy to leave him with quiet a few other family members this is where it will get awkward as if you where saying no he's too young to everyone it would be different but you are allowing grandparents, friends and other siblings so what ever you do it's going to feel personal to her so I'm not sure you will get out of it with out her being offended but he is your baby and you should never leave him with someone you are not comfortable with so I think all you can do is politely refuse and if she falls out with you it doesn't sound like that will be such a loss.

llangennith · 07/07/2018 07:58

A firm NO and suggest she buys herself a doll to play with.

ScoobyGangMember · 07/07/2018 07:58

No-one at all would be having my 8 week old baby for the evening, let alone overnight. He's not a doll, FFS.

cornishmumtobe · 07/07/2018 08:00

I just don't get people that are desperate to look after other people's babies. If you are one of those people reading this - please can you enlighten me?!

I just can't think of anything worse than having to look after someone else's baby. I'd obviously do it without question to help someone out but I wouldn't enjoy it!

pambeasley · 07/07/2018 08:02

Like fuck would I hand my baby over to someone I wasn't comfortable with just to 'keep the peace'. I wouldn't even hand my dog over. Tell your dh he can deal with it, not your problem, you won't be giving her your baby any time.

UpstartCrow · 07/07/2018 08:03

You don't need to make excuses, a baby is not a toy and her request is weird. Say ''no, and don't ask again''.

SheerKhan · 07/07/2018 08:04

To hand over an 8 week old baby to someone you don't trust for an entire evening? Are you insane?

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