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Original poster

How do I politely say you cannot look after my son?

57 replies

221291Cc · 07/07/2018 07:25

Hi everyone,
So I have a 8 week old son, I’m happy for our parents to look after him, even my close friend and my other half’s older brother.

however, my partners younger brother has a girlfriend (let’s say sister in law) who is constantly asking when she can have him, originally she wanted to have him overnight but my partner convinced her she wouldn’t like getting up all night, so now she wants him for an evening.

But she has caused so many problems in the family, she treats my partners brother really badly, I’m sure it’s emotional abuse. I had a big falling out with her when I was pregnant but that just isolated my brother in law, so I accepted her apology a few days before our due date. I don’t trust her to look after my 8 week old who is my whole world when she can’t even treat adults with respect. I’d be on edge knowing my little man is with her unsupervised, I know it sounds silly but I wouldn’t relax.

But my other half is a peacekeeper and wants me to keep things nice for the sake of his brother, he’s supports me in not letting her look after our little man. But I can’t keep making excuses as to why she can’t babysit when she asks, what do I do?

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Youvegotafriendinme · 07/07/2018 08:04

I’ve never understood people asking when they can watch someone’s baby. Of course offering if/when they need help but not like it’s their right to do so. No one watched my DS till he was around 8 months old and that was only once a week for an hour or so, so I couldn’t imagine being happy to leave an 8 week old.

I would just say to her, no thank you, but if I need anything I’ll let you know.

lizzybusy · 07/07/2018 08:08

I would think of the baby. The baby comes first. Just say that's really nice of you but he is too little to leave with people. I would never leave mine with someone I didn't like, just to spare someone's feelings. You should always trust your gut feelings...they are always right.

user1486915549 · 07/07/2018 08:09

Only on mumsnet do I hear of all these people insisting they should be allowed to take tiny babies for overnight stays.
Why ? And why would any new mother want that ?
Say “ no , he’s FAR too young “ and close down the conversation.
I find it totally wierd to be honest.

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MrsMint · 07/07/2018 08:10

Just say he's too young to be be away from mum all night and leave it at that. Why would she want to have him "all night" anyway? He's not a toy. All a bit bit weird IMO.

annandale · 07/07/2018 08:11

It's never about the relationship you have - it's about you as a parent making decisions for your baby's wellbeing. I never left ds alone with my dad for so much as a second at any age, the idea was laughable. I have to be honest, at 8 weeks when the baby is still completely helpless, the bar is pretty high for who gets to hold them, never mind have them overnight.

Dahlietta · 07/07/2018 08:12

She sounds very immature. The only person who's asked to look after my baby 'for maybe a week' was the 5yo son of his godparents.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/07/2018 08:13

Why you even want to? I have an 8 week old and evenings and nights are the worst bit!

3luckystars · 07/07/2018 08:13

Just say you are not allowing anyone mind him until he is older.

Don’t ever leave her mind him, that little voice telling you that this feels wrong, that’s your instincts and you need to really listen to that.

Say no and let her piss off if she doesn’t like it.

LuluJakey1 · 07/07/2018 08:13

Just say no. You don't need to give a reason.

Lana1234 · 07/07/2018 08:18

Another one saying you really don’t need an excuse. Just that you aren’t comfortable with it.

Caz1412 · 07/07/2018 08:19

(Changed my username)
Thanks everyone, it’s never been under any doubt that she is having so much as a cuddle with him out of my sight, he is my priority.
He has only been left with our parents for a few hours whilst we have been out for dinner twice since he’s been born. so her offering to have him overnight, is just funny.
However, I just needed a polite way to say no to looking after him without me.
To be honest, it’s very strange as I have offered her to come round and see him with me here but she hasn’t wanted to do that. Very strange.
But I think you are all right, I’m going to be firm and say I’ll let her know if I want a babysitter and say to leave it at that.

I do agree, it’s really strange that people want to look after other people’s babies like it’s their right? It’s very weird!

PalePinkSwan · 07/07/2018 08:21

I wouldn’t dream of being away from an 8 week old for any length of time. It’s strange that she’s suggesting it and strange that your considering it.

Just no.

He’s much too young.

You need to be firm here.

UpstartCrow · 07/07/2018 08:25

'No' is a polite answer. Just practice saying it to yourself in the mirror.

myotherbagisgucci · 07/07/2018 08:47

I think 8 weeks is too young to let anyone else but immediate family (your parents/in laws) look after your baby.

HelenaJustina · 07/07/2018 08:59

My MiL had my DH’s brother’s child overnight at 5 weeks old. I was aghast but kept well out of it, we babysat when asked but definitely didn’t offer to take them overnight at that tiny size.

The problem was that when we had our own, MiL was incredibly hurt that I didn’t ‘trust her enough’ to hand over my babies overnight at a month old! Never mind that mine were ebf and niece was bottlefed... crackers!

LexieLulu · 07/07/2018 09:38

Just say "when the time comes" "I'm not in need of a babysitter yet but when I do I'll ask" "it'll be a long time before I leave him" etc

RabbitsAreTasty · 07/07/2018 09:46

"No thank you" is polite.

If she presses then she's being rude and then you can say "Please don't be so rude SIL."

Sod peace keeping. It is over rated. Start with a polite No then firm No then action No.

Same as with children (1) the polite no, (2) the firm no, (3) the action to remove them from the situation or discipline somehow. You are a parent now so SIL could be good practice!

Imchlibob · 07/07/2018 10:58

She doesn't want to spend time with the baby in your presence but wants to take the baby away. That shows she's really wanting to play at being mummy which is very inappropriate. In a young woman who has never been pregnant this shows an immaturity which is a definite alarm bells that they can't be a responsible carer. In an older woman this urgent need for baby cuddles can be all too tragically understandable. Working through the grief process after miscarriage, stillbirth or (sometimes) abortion will affect women in different ways and a huge proportion of women will have been affected by one of these things. Some women need to cut themselves off from friends and family with babies for some of their grieving process. Other women and/or the same women at a different part of the grief journey feel a visceral need to cuddle a baby and have to physically restrain themselves from doing so (because that's obviously a bit mad). I can totally relate to a MIL being overwhelmed with love for this tiny baby that brings back memories of a baby or babies who were lost decades ago. Obviously grandmas who never had such misfortune will be equally loving but the grief angle increases the danger that what should be a healthy family dynamic of love and support for a new family could slip into something disfunctional, if the MIL and DIL don't already have a mutually respectful and friendly relationship.

3luckystars · 07/07/2018 11:03

Maybe she wants a baby herself and is trying to ‘prove’ to your bill that she can look after one.

Don’t let your baby be a guinea pig for her little game.

What a liberty! Let her piss off.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 07/07/2018 11:14

I'm way less precious than many people on here about "leaving" my kids, but there's no way I'd be leaving a newborn with a completely inexperienced person, even if they were 100% bottle-fed and I liked them very much.

Total non-starter. Like Pp says, polite no, then firm no, then remove yourself from the situation. And yes, as much as I love babies, looking after someone else's 8wo for an evening especially without being able to soothe them by BFing sounds like hell.

cholka · 07/07/2018 11:14

No no nooooo
8 weeks is tiny. It's a huge responsibility and at that age they can be such a pain at night that if you didn't love them as your own you might get exasperated and not treat them that well, especially if she's generally immature. Add to that the baby knowing it's someone unfamiliar and it's really not a good idea. Get her one of those newborn dolls instead!
At that stage we weren't getting enough sleep to contemplate going out for an evening, impressed you've got the energy!

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 07/07/2018 11:15

Liked the person very much, that is. Obviously I like my babies very much (when they aren't being little sods).

Grandmaswagsbag · 07/07/2018 11:20

‘No he’s far too little to be away from me for a whole night’. Utterly bizarre that anyone would think it appropriate to have an 8 week old overnight unless it was some kind of emergency. What a strange person.

mindutopia · 07/07/2018 12:21

Wait, what? You don’t even need to be polite with this one. A baby is not a toy. She sounds like my 5 year old! At 8 weeks, no way id be leaving my baby with anyone for more than a short visit with me nearby. Our first spent about 2 hours with my mum while we had lunch at the pub a 30 second walk from our house. My 2nd is ebf and won’t take a bottle. He’s literally been left with my husband while I went to do the food shopping once for like an hour (he’s 4.5 months). I would not have the self control to be ‘polite’ about any of this.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 07/07/2018 12:28

8 weeks is far too young! She sounds weird and untrustworthy to boot. Tell her to buy herself a Tiny Tears if she wants a dolly that badly.

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