Sibling holding the baby

[CitySnicker]

Help me here because I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unrealistic.

Have a 5 month old baby boy (heavy and pretty strong and wriggly) and 10 year old step daughter.
I’ve always been a bit anxious of her holding him, but as long as she’s sat on sofa, using 2 hands, doesn’t move him about too much and has an adult nearby, that’s fine. She’s a healthy girl but not strong at all and v easily distracted.

Unfortunately, she likes to shift him about in her arms, cross her legs, uncross her legs, etc. That’s fine as long as someone is nearby. I’m pretty sure she tries to push the boundaries sometimes too. You’ll ask her not to move him from one side to the other, for eg, or lift him up and she’ll look to see if your looking then do it anyway.

My baby had a paddy the other day after Dad gave him to her and she sat not even using her hands (loosely cupped arms around him), looking worried and in need to of help as he had almost squirmed off her lap. Dad had wandered out the room.

Since day 1 I’ve asked my partner not to leave her unattended and to keep a good eye when she’s holding him. Since day 1 he’s never said ‘no’....but time and time again he just wanders off. It’s not so bad when I’m in the room (though I’m annoyed the responsibility is shifted to me), but he does it when I’m not about too. I feel so anxious about it I’m scared to leave him with the baby if we have his daughter.

It’s all come to a head this morning as he took the baby downstairs then left him on her lap and left the room for 4 mins maybe. I blew up and he stomped off saying I was being unreasonable as ‘she’s fine’ and ‘anyhow, ‘x’ nearly dropped him last night when holding him.’ (X being a 35 family friend with her own 4 year old boy. Family friend had fumbled him (our son) in her hands last night but recover well and despite me getting a momentary fright (don’t think I showed it), I was confident with her to carry on holding him.

My partners perspective is that’s he’s going to have some bumps in life so I need to chill out. He almost seems pleased if I accidentally hurt the baby as it shows I’m not as perfect as I’d like to be.
My background is that I had a v early miscarriage 2 years ago, our baby was ivf and given my age (and partners wishes) we are v unlikely to have any more babies (not that I want anything to happen to this one). I just want to keep my baby safe but just don’t know if I’m being over anxious.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt my feelings are being disregarded. He drives faster than I do, closer to other cars, etc and I tell him how it makes me feel. Sometimes he’ll reign it in for a bit and other time he sees it as an attack on his driving skills.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall at the moment...but is it just my anxiety?

At 5mo I think its time to relax a little. He isnt a floppy newborn anymore.

You are being a tiny bit anxious, however she should be sitting on the floor holding him if she's going to be left unattended and can't hold his weight. She hasn't shown any inclination to hurt him from what you've said.

I see your worry I really do, I think maybe have her sit on the floor with the baby, and maybe have a blanket or something soft down, I think she's old enough that even if something did happen and nobody is in the room she'd know to get one of you guys to help her, it's nice for her to have bonding time with the baby, he's not a tiny little newborn anymore and it would take a lot more to hurt him.

Classic pfb! You're being ott because it's your first baby. Most people are a bit that way with their first, you've never had anything so precious and it takes getting used to before you can be proportionate in all your actions and judgments. I didn't want anyone, especially kids, holding my pfb. But now my pfb is 8 years old herself and she carries her 1yo sibling around. So I'm on the fence. You do need to relax and accept that your dsd isn't going to break the baby, but on the other hand that's easier said than done when you're an anxious first time mum, and your dh isn't helping being such an arse.

I was 10 when my sister was born and did a lot of baby care in daytime hours outside of school hours. Nappies, bathing, preparing and giving bottles and so on.

She was then 11 when my DS was born and while she didn't care much for changing nappies and I breastfed, I trusted her to hold him, watch him when I was out of the room, the same as any adult.

It was entirely voluntary, neither of us were pressured into early adult responsibilities, in case that was not clear.

I think it is anxiety.

My experience is of younger children - both aged 7. When given the baby to hold (same age baby as yours) they held him well for maybe 30 seconds then let him go. As in stopped interlinking their hands behind him and put their hands down by their side. DH was supporting baby too so stopped him crashing to the ground but the children didn't know that.
And that was two unrelated children in two totally different houses , one didn't copy the ithy

*other

Its your anxiety.

Show a bit more trust in your step-daughter. It will help her bond with her brother and you.

and I agree to let her sit on the floor...and simply explain why.

My DD at 2 was "holding" her brother... by holding I mean his head on her lap while they were both on the floor. He was a newborn then. She enjoyed it and I think it made her feel like she wasn't being pushed out. But I never left then unattended, for obvious reasons... but I think you can trust a 10-year-old to be responsible.

The floor thing is a good idea, but we have 2 big dogs. One gets edgy if she ‘baby-talks’ to the baby around him. It keeps happening though and partner’s not ‘on it.’ The other dog likes to lick hands faces etc. And partner doesn’t mind that at all.
I could say ‘unattended on floor is fine as long as dogs are shut out,’ but given that I’ve asked for her not to be left unattended with him from day 1 ...and from day 1 I’ve pretty much been ignored,.. I’m 99.9% sure I’ll be ignored on the dogs front too and would be made to feel unreasonable.

I would be way way more bothered by the dogs and I say that as a dog lover.

Dogs should not be allowed to lick babies. They are animals with teeth and can get it wrong sometimes

I completely get it. My sibling is just 11 and I don't leave my 20 month old with them! I think it completely depends on their maturity level and basically their ability to risk assess- my sibling thinks nothing of flinging her around near door frames or chasing into the corners of cupboards and thinks nothing of it. I know toddlers bounce but it's not an extra risk I like to take!

You have 2 big dogs that don't like the baby and you're worried about a ten year old girl?!

I would be more concerned about the 'edgy' dogs tbh. My 7 year old regularly carries my 7 month old around the house,gets him out of his car seat etc. Even the 6 yr old can, but finds it harder.

I would take the line that's it's an unfair responsibility on DSD with 2 dogs one of whom isn't keen on the baby!!

You need to point out it's to protect DSD as much as the baby.

I think you are being overly anxious. The thought of big dogs around babies terrifies me whereas I think a 10 year old is capable of holding a 5 month old. I say this as someone who also has a 5 month old although not my first. What do you mean by the dog gets ‘edgy’? That gives me shivers! No matter how much you love the dog they can’t be trusted.

You really need to worry about the dogs! You sound like you're not keen on SD. She's 10 for goodness sake and the baby is hardly a newborn. Ridiculous.

Would you do this if she was your daughter instead of step daughter?

I have 2 big dogs. Neither dislikes the baby.

One like to lick his face given the chance.

The other i can’t work out. He either is so used to getting the baby talk that he can’t understand when step daughter is baby talking the baby and tries to ‘get in on the action.’ Jealousy?...or he sees the baby as an extension of me and is wary of step daughter baby taking to baby.

Nobody has to worry though. Baby v well protected from dogs. Except the the licking. Which I hate.

I was the same age when my sister was born and I did a lot of holding, feeding, changing etc and I was fine.
Same sister was 11 when I had my first baby and while I'd be fine with her holding him I did like to keep an eye because she just wasn't as mature as I was.

I was 11 when my brother was born and carted him around all the time. Has she ever dropped him? If not, you need to trust her more. And keep the dogs away. A 5 month old needs floor access to roll and think about crawling. Make it safe for her to play in the floor with him.

I’ve known quite a few families with multiple kids where the older ones, from around 8yo lug the babies and toddlers around. At 5mths they are pretty hardy.

I know this isn’t the point of your post but I really do feel it needs to be said. I am a dog owner (have been my whole life) with a baby much younger than yours.

If you ‘can’t work out’ your dog with regards to the baby, that is not a good thing. That dog needs to be kept away from the baby with some careful introduction.

If the dog gets close enough to lick the baby, the baby is NOT ‘well protected’ from it. It is close enough to bite and you wouldn’t be able to stop it.

I mean this kindly but you need to change your attitude where your dogs are concerned. I’d hate to be reading about you in the paper in the future.

One big dog who you 'don't quite get' and who might be jealous of the baby.... how on earth can you be so certain baby is fine? Dsd - fine. She's 10 fgs.

If the baby takes a tumble off the couch they will likely be fine. If your big dog attacks them they will likely be dead. I know which one I would be worried about.

I have long thought about my feelings for my step daughter.
I do love her but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s how my partner parents her that makes me edgy.
That said, it’s my anxiety that’s the problem here so I’m really starting to doubt myself.