Sibling holding the baby

[CitySnicker]

Help me here because I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unrealistic.

Have a 5 month old baby boy (heavy and pretty strong and wriggly) and 10 year old step daughter.
I’ve always been a bit anxious of her holding him, but as long as she’s sat on sofa, using 2 hands, doesn’t move him about too much and has an adult nearby, that’s fine. She’s a healthy girl but not strong at all and v easily distracted.

Unfortunately, she likes to shift him about in her arms, cross her legs, uncross her legs, etc. That’s fine as long as someone is nearby. I’m pretty sure she tries to push the boundaries sometimes too. You’ll ask her not to move him from one side to the other, for eg, or lift him up and she’ll look to see if your looking then do it anyway.

My baby had a paddy the other day after Dad gave him to her and she sat not even using her hands (loosely cupped arms around him), looking worried and in need to of help as he had almost squirmed off her lap. Dad had wandered out the room.

Since day 1 I’ve asked my partner not to leave her unattended and to keep a good eye when she’s holding him. Since day 1 he’s never said ‘no’....but time and time again he just wanders off. It’s not so bad when I’m in the room (though I’m annoyed the responsibility is shifted to me), but he does it when I’m not about too. I feel so anxious about it I’m scared to leave him with the baby if we have his daughter.

It’s all come to a head this morning as he took the baby downstairs then left him on her lap and left the room for 4 mins maybe. I blew up and he stomped off saying I was being unreasonable as ‘she’s fine’ and ‘anyhow, ‘x’ nearly dropped him last night when holding him.’ (X being a 35 family friend with her own 4 year old boy. Family friend had fumbled him (our son) in her hands last night but recover well and despite me getting a momentary fright (don’t think I showed it), I was confident with her to carry on holding him.

My partners perspective is that’s he’s going to have some bumps in life so I need to chill out. He almost seems pleased if I accidentally hurt the baby as it shows I’m not as perfect as I’d like to be.
My background is that I had a v early miscarriage 2 years ago, our baby was ivf and given my age (and partners wishes) we are v unlikely to have any more babies (not that I want anything to happen to this one). I just want to keep my baby safe but just don’t know if I’m being over anxious.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt my feelings are being disregarded. He drives faster than I do, closer to other cars, etc and I tell him how it makes me feel. Sometimes he’ll reign it in for a bit and other time he sees it as an attack on his driving skills.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall at the moment...but is it just my anxiety?

I think I would be more concerned about the big dogs if they are close enough to lick him.

Does she actually want to hold the baby? Is she asked each time before he is handed over and does she know it's okay to say no?

I would be getting baby gates for doorways to keep the dogs away from the baby. The baby needs to have safe access to the floor to learn to sit and crawl. Wouldn't be concerned about the 10 year old in the slightest, the dogs are the problem.

I think your step daughter sounds fine and you are being a bit anxious (perfectly normal with first baby) when you don't need to be. Just make sure they are surrounded by soft furnishing and there is a rug or mat on the floor beneath them. She's 10 and doesn't need to be watched all the time as long as an adult is nearby and she's able to say if she is uncomfortable or needs help. She might really be able to help with the baby and give you a rest!

Dogs that are interested in, jealous of and or want to lick the baby sound like a bigger problem. Keeping him off the floor isn't a good solution. Your baby needs to spend a lot of time on the floor in order to learn how to crawl, you can't be the only one to supervise this, it's just not feasible. Some gates that keep the dogs and baby separate maybe?

You are seriously worrying about the wrong thing!

You absolutely need to stop leaving your big dogs unsupervised with a baby and 10 year old, that really is irresponsible.

I have a baby and a 7yo, older child is a big help and picks up and cuddles the baby for me so I can cook dinner etc. A 10 year old should be absolutely fine to carry and hold a 5 month old unsupervised.

I hear you all about the dogs.
The ‘licker’ is the completely relaxed dog.
The other is completely relaxed until step daughter does baby talk....then it’s me that ‘on it’. My other half doesn’t bat an eye lid.

I feel like my boundaries are being pushed all the time. I’m told to relax...but when I do they’re just pushed even more...more face licking...step daughter almost dropping baby off her knee...oh well...he’ll be fine 😢

If the dog is able to get close enough to lick the baby's face, the baby is not protected from the dog.

How do I tell my partner never to leave her unsupervised with the dogs though? I’ll be quietly ignored.

She only holds him if she asks. It lasts about 5 mins max and then she’s bored.
Gates are a good idea...but it’ll be me enforcing them.

I think sitting on a 10 year old lap/ next to them on sofa whilst you are out of room for 5 mins is fine. In a couple of months I would expect the 10 year old could carry baby around a bit too.
In a way your DP might be trying to prepare you that there are lots of unavoidable bumps and scapes ahead.

I think your being a bit over the top and will cause resentment from your stepdaughter if your not careful. Just be glad she loves her brother and wants to be involved. She's 10 she's not going to drop a baby anymore than anyone else, and of course she needs to move him and herself to get comfy, he's probably quite heavy to hold in one position. Pop some cushions on the floor around her, remind her to be careful and tell her how grown up and wonderful she is with him, and be proud that she wants to help.

I’ve said about it not being fair On her if she hurts him. Ignored.
I know children and there are mild signs of ADHD there.

Having overly strict boundaries because you feel that more appropriate ones will be "pushed" is confusing and sets you up as the unreasonable one.

The step daughter "almost" dropping the baby off her knee is fine. Anyone can "almost" drop a baby. Your own trusted friend whom you still trust did so. You do not need to enforce boundaries with the step daughter. Being lower to the ground, she is actually much safer to drop the baby than an adult! If she is walking, standing or sitting with him and drops him, he will be fine. If she's dangling him upside down from a height then you've got a point!

But the boundaries over the dogs need to be enforced. They shouldn't be in the same room with the baby if they start to get "not relaxed" or lick him for any reason. It isn't your step daughter's responsibility to not "baby talk" at a baby. It isn't her fault there is a potentially agitated dog nearby. The dog needs to be removed from the scenario, not your step daughter holding or playing with the baby. You will not be able to act fast enough if the dog carries out an aggression (or even just rough play) toward the baby (or your step daughter), so being "on it" is a false reassurance.

I hope this doesn't come over as harsh. Also, your husband should be able to sympathise with your feelings and try to make you feel better. Anxiety makes it difficult to have perspective and you can only do your best.

You don't need to ask your partner to never leave her unsupervised with the dogs - it's missing the point.

The dogs should not be able to reach the baby, supervised or not. It has nothing to do with your step daughter.

Ditto here - big dogs (one jealous of attention to new baby) and babies are a total no-no from my point of view. Not only that but a no-brainer. What can you be thinking of?

As to SD - you need to get her onside - at the moment she is being treated as an incompetent, and it sounds as though she is using this as a weapon against you, and a (very efficient as it turns out) way to drive a wedge between you and her Dad.

You need to rethink this whole thing, though hard to go back on the impasse you have created with SD.

I used to babysit my baby sister when I was 11.

My older child has let the baby roll off the sofa onto the carpet. Baby cried, he learned a lesson!
I have banged her head on a door frame and dropped my phone on her
All that pales in comparison to the damage a stressed/unhappy big dog could do to a 5 month old (or 10 year old!) in a moment.

The difference between my step daughter and friend was that the friend reacted and sorted the situation.
Step daughter sat not knowing when to do, not grasping him, not doing anything, as he slowly started to slide off her lap. She does not have the reactions or experience. I’ve tried to guide her but I’m not confident that she’d take it in. She ignores a lot of what she’s told about ANYTHING because she gets away with it / doesn’t retain it.

I take on board the dog stuff. I really do.

Accidents will happen. I understand.
Leaving her with the baby feels ‘negligent’ tho given the WAY SHE IS.
My mother (ex child care) feels the same too.

My 5 year old has been fine to shift my 7 month olds position and hold him for the last couple of months. Wouldn't let her lift him until he's walking but she'll lift 1 year old DD briefly fine too if she falls over next to her etc.

He's not a newborn he can wriggle by himself, at 10 it sounds like youre being very over protective.
If my DS doesn't like it he'll make a noise then I adjust him but enjoys being cuddled by her, and also by 1 year old DD though obviously she has to be helped.

My DS holds his little sister, carries her around now, helps make bottles and change nappies. He’s 8. He didn’t with his little brother because he was younger then, 6 and couldn’t be trusted and showed no interest.

I think you are being a bit overly anxious here, the children need to bond and her holding the baby is fine. It’s normal. Has she ever actually hurt the baby?

If he’s sliding down, she has to shift him about, no? She can’t win.

I wonder if it were your 10 year old DD would you feel differently?

I think you are being a bit PFB but at 5 months I'd expect that the times where the baby is going to sit being held by somebody isn't going to go on for too much longer...

She was bending his arm back other day as she shifted him about.
Frankly I'd rather be there to stop it happening so he doesn't get hurt than let her learn thro experience like that.

Well then you probably should encourage them to have more time together, maybe sitting on floor, so that she gets familiar with her little brother.
I don’t believe she is incapable of minding a baby for 5 mins, maybe she does need a bit of encouragement and guidance.

You sound a bit over anxious. Even courting your Mum’s expert (but likely sympathetic/supportive to you) opinion.

It’s normal to feel wary when a child holds or plays with your baby, but when they are siblings it is normal to encourage and praise the older child.
If she does hold him clumsily, I’d expect you to be “he really likes you but if you put your arm round his middle he will feel nice and secure” or “turn him towards you, he likes looking at your face” etc