Sibling holding the baby

[CitySnicker]

Help me here because I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unrealistic.

Have a 5 month old baby boy (heavy and pretty strong and wriggly) and 10 year old step daughter.
I’ve always been a bit anxious of her holding him, but as long as she’s sat on sofa, using 2 hands, doesn’t move him about too much and has an adult nearby, that’s fine. She’s a healthy girl but not strong at all and v easily distracted.

Unfortunately, she likes to shift him about in her arms, cross her legs, uncross her legs, etc. That’s fine as long as someone is nearby. I’m pretty sure she tries to push the boundaries sometimes too. You’ll ask her not to move him from one side to the other, for eg, or lift him up and she’ll look to see if your looking then do it anyway.

My baby had a paddy the other day after Dad gave him to her and she sat not even using her hands (loosely cupped arms around him), looking worried and in need to of help as he had almost squirmed off her lap. Dad had wandered out the room.

Since day 1 I’ve asked my partner not to leave her unattended and to keep a good eye when she’s holding him. Since day 1 he’s never said ‘no’....but time and time again he just wanders off. It’s not so bad when I’m in the room (though I’m annoyed the responsibility is shifted to me), but he does it when I’m not about too. I feel so anxious about it I’m scared to leave him with the baby if we have his daughter.

It’s all come to a head this morning as he took the baby downstairs then left him on her lap and left the room for 4 mins maybe. I blew up and he stomped off saying I was being unreasonable as ‘she’s fine’ and ‘anyhow, ‘x’ nearly dropped him last night when holding him.’ (X being a 35 family friend with her own 4 year old boy. Family friend had fumbled him (our son) in her hands last night but recover well and despite me getting a momentary fright (don’t think I showed it), I was confident with her to carry on holding him.

My partners perspective is that’s he’s going to have some bumps in life so I need to chill out. He almost seems pleased if I accidentally hurt the baby as it shows I’m not as perfect as I’d like to be.
My background is that I had a v early miscarriage 2 years ago, our baby was ivf and given my age (and partners wishes) we are v unlikely to have any more babies (not that I want anything to happen to this one). I just want to keep my baby safe but just don’t know if I’m being over anxious.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt my feelings are being disregarded. He drives faster than I do, closer to other cars, etc and I tell him how it makes me feel. Sometimes he’ll reign it in for a bit and other time he sees it as an attack on his driving skills.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall at the moment...but is it just my anxiety?

I agree that you do need to be there with her unless they are on the floor - my DS is not holding his siblings unattended. But letting her get to know the baby and see that she can hold him and move him if he starts to slip will help her get to know what to do. She’s probably nervous and has a hundred conflicting instructions to heed. I’d get her more involved with his care. And like others say, this phase will pass very quickly, he won’t be passive for long.

Your relationship with your step daughter is actually important and will have big implications for your family. If you are unable to trust and respect her, working within her maturity level (she is 10 and doesn't have to watched with a 5 month old, even if she does have ADHD - I mean, really? Do you believe this? Are you seeking an assessment for her?) - then she is not going to trust and respect you. In fact she will resent you. It will drive a wedge between you and your partner, and if he's a good parent, he will choose her. You need to be putting in the effort now, before she is a teenager.

Its actually more important than your baby's arm being slightly bent. You are expecting perfection and setting her up to fail. There is always going to be a difference in how you see your own baby and your stepdaughter - but really, it must feel pretty obvious and hurtful to her how much more important he is to you. I bet if he headbutts her or grabs her hair then you don't blink an eye? They are going to mildly injure one another, they're siblings. It's normal and it's safe.

By all means, guide her, show her the best way to hold him, but don't be critical. You need to leave her to it.

And for heaven's sake - relationship 101: do not side with your mother against your partner. Ever. Even if you feel you're right. Leave your mother out of this.

You sound exactly like me at 5 months and your partner also sounds similar to mine.....

Yes, I had/have anxiety and my husband has not helped matters at all, due to being pretty lax, lacking common sense and not realising how his actions fed straight into my anxiety

It has caused some major issues with me trusting him with our child in certain situations.

Brace yourself for the toddler years.....if your partner is being a dick now - wait until your child is running off in shops, climbing stairs, not wanting to hold hands by the road etc.

You will likely need to supervise - a lot.

I'm afraid I think you're being totally unreasonable OP. It sounds like you have some other issue with your step daughter as you're willing to totally overlook a grown adult almost dropping your baby (these things happen, it's not the end of the world) You are going to end up with a very strained relationship with her and also your husband. For comparison, this is my 7mo ds being carried on a beach path by my 7yo. They have a wonderful relationship. You need to get some perspective or therapy

My 3 older DC have been fantastic when it comes to helping out with my youngest. The eldest are 12, 10 and 8 and the little one is 8 mths old. I have no reservations with either of the eldest 2 carrying/holding the baby, the 8 year old probably is less hands on (through his own choice) which is fine.

I find it lovely to watch siblings interact, watching them form a bond.

In regards to the dogs I too have 2, a big docile older dog and a small, lively young one. They're obviously used to kids but we were aware that a baby would be a change to their family dynamic. We use stair gates on the living room door, the baby can have free floor time but this also gives the dogs some child free space as well.

That is a gorgeous photo weshouldbefriends! I would never have thought to put the sling on my DS, what a lovely idea!

Oh dear.
I’m not going to react to the evil stepmother nonsense when I’m probably more protective of her that her own father is too.
Whether that just makes me too anxious, then I’ll take that hit.
And as for getting her an assessment for mild ADHD (if that’s what it is) ....yeah right.

When I was 10 I had 2 baby sisters and used to do loads for them! If you're too protective it's likely jealousy will start to arise if she doesn't feel involved. As for the dog, it could be them being protective. My dog changed a lot as soon as we brought the baby home, if someone is holding him he will sit and watch or start fussing them. If I answer the door and I'm holding the baby he will jump at me, like he's making sure the baby is still there. If he's in the garden and hears baby crying he runs in and checks where he is. They seem like they're acting weird but they're just being protective.

Thanks for the advice on getting therapy previous poster.
I personally don’t think printing a horrible post then post a pic of your kids beside it is a particularly savvy thing to do so I apologise if I don’t take your advice.

And as for getting her an assessment for mild ADHD (if that’s what it is) ....yeah right.
You said she had it, not Shrimpi? It’s a valid question because you said she had it to the degree that she couldn’t even have a baby on her lap for 5 mins.

How about you’re right, don’t let the kid near your baby. Is that what you wanted?

You tell me one school that will test for a mild case of adhd without jumping thro years worth of hoops and I will get right on it.

Hi OP, I just wanted to add that Argos are selling the Cuggl baby gates for £15 each at the mo. I bought a bunch last week. Might be worth grabbing whilst on offer. Don't forget to measure your doorways though, one of mine was too bloody narrow.

I had the PFB fear of dropping when DD was small. For me it was elderly relatives who insisted on walking round the living room holding her. I was creeping round after them and hustling pillows under their arms when they were sat down with her.

We all laugh about it now .

Thanks for the kind words.
For perspective I have a distant acquaintance who is happy for her 4 year old to carry her 6 month old around. Obviously a lot of you would not be comfortable with that,...so at what age is it ok to be left unattended holding baby given allowances for differences in physical strength and attention span?

8 as a general rule I'd say.

Could you go through how to d L with holding a baby rather then yo sit still? I mean the principals of it. Like quick response, how to respond to baby’s wriggling etc?
My 3 year old used to carry her newborn brother in a sling, would that work? She was a really sensible girl.

Sorry, how to deal with a baby rather than sit still

@citysnicker I think I can understand where you're coming from.

I trust both of my DSC with my daughters. They're 9 and 13. However, the youngest DSC isn't always on the ball with the baby and I've had to pull him up a couple of times. However, I know how much they both dote on the girls and it's been a privilege seeing their relationship develop.

Do you give your DSD little jobs, like helping with nappy changes and feeding? Reading stories, playing peepo etc?

Start there and build up to cuddles?

In a few years' time, you'll be very grateful for a helpful big sister!

Not liking the sound of the dogs op ..really dosnt sound good x

Thanks again for kinder messages.
She helps with nappies, feeds him on her lap, plays with him on floor, in buggy, or cot. Pushes buggy. When she asks of course and never expected.

Thanks Evilmorty at least with a sling the baby is tied on so near impossible to drop!