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Original poster

Marriage on verge of collapse after first baby

64 replies

rob31067 · 28/05/2018 08:31

Hi All

I am new to Mumsnet and I am writing for some advice from people in the same position as me or know what I am going through.

A bit of history, my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have been together for about 13 years, we always said we would have one child and last year our little girl arrived. I have since had a vasectomy which we both knew about and agreed too.

Since our little girl arrived our household has not been the same, besides the addition of a family member, our marriage is at breaking point, there is constant fights, arguing and anger. We have lost all sense of happiness, fun and laughter and most importantly, the sex. This has completely stopped and if I am lucky, its once a fortnight and even then it’s as cold as ice.

I am the only breadwinner in the family and the stress on my shoulders is phenomenal, I work long hours, have stopped going to the gym, I am piling on the weight and I am comfort eating due to the work life and unhappy household.

Before our little girl arrived we had an amazing sex life, she was so active, now it only starts if I instigate it and then it’s all me doing the work, I get no foreplay, no touching, just get in and get it over with.

I have read that sex after children can dip off for a while, but for me having an active and satisfying sex life in a marriage is important.

I can’t go on like this, sex aside, I am talking about the arguments, fights, nasty words and comments. I am now looking at Divorce options and that’s something I never thought I would do as it would break my heart for our little girl to be raised in a broken home, but I am at breaking point and wondering if life is even worth going on.

Anyone else had this issue or can give some advice? Sad

Thank you

OP posts:
SoyDora · 28/05/2018 08:34

Your baby is very young. If you are working long hours then I presume she’s doing the vast majority of the childcare? She’s knackered. For the first year of my children’s lives I was completely touched out, TBH the last thing I wanted was sex. Is she breastfeeding?
You’re both stressed and tired. That’s why you are snapping and arguing a lot. It’s very common after the birth of a child.

ForEverlong · 28/05/2018 08:35

Put on your hard hat

What are the arguments about?

MsGameandWatching · 28/05/2018 08:37

It's just all about you isn't it? Poor rob doesn't get enough sex and has to bring home the bacon. I'd love to hear your wife's take on this. How old is your daughter?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems
Grumblepants · 28/05/2018 08:38

Dd will obviously turn your world upside down. Sex goes off the cards for most couples to be honest. My DH would probably think you are doing quite well getting it fortnightly.
The first year with a baby is the hardest. You need to support each other and just try to get through each day. Does your dw need support? Is she coping or do you think she may have pnd?
Don't focus on sex, focus on helping each other and being a unit.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/05/2018 08:38

Having a baby is a bit like throwing a bomb into your life!

However you and your wife really need to be a team

I know you work but you need to help out with the baby, embrace her. Feed her, bathe her and let your wife have a lie in on a Saturday or whenever you aren’t at work

What are the arguments about?

Why can’t you go to the gym?

lostdad2018 · 28/05/2018 08:38

thanks for the kind words, arguments about money, jobs, filthy house, leaving rotten nappies everywhere, how I never do anything with the little one (bit hard too when I work 10 hours day).

pastabest · 28/05/2018 08:38

Ummm.... Hmm

Have you tried asking your wife how she's feeling?

Because everything you have written above is about you and your need to get your rocks off? You haven't mentioned her feelings AT ALL.

Ever considered she recently grew and pushed a whole human out and may need some time to feel back to normal again?

There is nothing that makes you want to have sex less with someone than that person whinging about sex.

Can't imagine why she doesn't feel attracted to you right now.... or why she is angry?

lostdad2018 · 28/05/2018 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SoyDora · 28/05/2018 08:40

So you’re yelling at her about a filthy house and leaving dirty nappies everywhere? Sounds like she’s struggling and needs some support.
Do you do things with the baby at weekends or do you see that as your time to relax?

SoyDora · 28/05/2018 08:41

I came on this forum for some help and advice not be shot down you inconsiderate dipsht

Unfortunately you don’t get to choose how people reply to you on a public forum. It’s the nature of it. You can’t say ‘only reply if you’re going to be on my side’.

TitZillas · 28/05/2018 08:43

Er - you might want to try considering the situation from your DW’s perspective. Have you asked her how she’s feeling?
I don’t think I’d be that up for having sex with you either, based upon your posts so far.

timeisnotaline · 28/05/2018 08:43

What do you mean by leaving rotten nappies everywhere? My dh did this with ds1 and I am about to have dc2. I think I might honestly kick him out if he still thinks it’s ok to leave a dirty nappy lying around. It just drove me bananas as to how he could be such a useless human being, but I was too tired to argue about it. However now it’s baby 2 I have a better view of what basic standards of parenting I have a right to expect from my dh and baby’s father m, and if he wants to leave a dirty nappy lying around and go to the gym when I haven’t had 2 hours sleep in months, he can stay out.
Does that help answer your question as to why you aren’t getting sex?

SoyDora · 28/05/2018 08:44

I think he is moaning about her leaving the nappies around but I could be wrong.

rockshandy · 28/05/2018 08:45

So she is struggling and you are more concerned about the sex.

You need a serious dose of WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Do you know what having a baby does to a woman's life? It is a major ordeal for her body that sends her hormones out of whack for a lot longer than people think. The relentlessness of a baby can wear a person down to rock bottom if they don't have good support, and sometimes even if they do.

Working 10 hours a day is nothing compared to the 24/7 she is living. If the house is a mess then roll your bloody sleeves up and clean it. Help her. Take an interest in your child.

This is 2018 not 1958. She is not there to ensure your dinner is on the table and the kids are seen and not heard. She is your wife. Your partner. Your equal.

Dermymc · 28/05/2018 08:46

Gosh aren't you a delight Hmm

Not sure I'd fancy shagging you with that attitude.

How about you start helping with the baby, do 50% of the care including night wakings when you're at home. You might then find your wife is less tired.

If your wife reads this, LTB.

Loopytiles · 28/05/2018 08:46

How old is your baby?

You say you’re the only breadwinner, but it sounds like the baby is young, is your wife on maternity leave?

Enidblyton1 · 28/05/2018 08:46

You sound very unhappy with yourself and are perhaps taking that out on your wife and child. What you describe is very common (judging by other threads on here and friends in real life).

When one partner is out at work all day, it can be difficult to appreciate how much life has changed for the partner staying at home doing all the childcare. Do you get up in the night with your child or is that left to your partner? Arguments are very common when one or both of you is extremely exhausted.

Perhaps you just need to give it more time. Ask yourself if you are doing enough to support your partner at the moment.

MsGameandWatching · 28/05/2018 08:49

I came on this forum for some help and advice not be shot down you inconsiderate dipsht

Grin and there's the real "man" behind the whining and poor me post.

boatyardblues · 28/05/2018 08:49

Is she breastfeeding and/or doing all the night feeds, or are you helping with that? To be frank, she’s probably exhausted and your constant pestering for sex is no doubt causing resentment.

NapQueen · 28/05/2018 08:51

Has OP name changed? Im confused.

A few things that stuck out to me - yes its fucking hard when a baby comes along. Everything changes for both of you. Competing about who has it harder will only exacerbate that. Op you may well feel like all the responsibility is on you bit your wife is trying to keep a baby happy, enriched and entertained 7 days a week, keep on top of a house and keep you somewhat satisfied. Sounds like its no walk in the park for her either.

The sex thing is bothering me as I cannot comprehend how a man can get his rocks off when the other participant is as cold as ice. Why are you even having sex with her when she so so clearly doesnt want to? How on earth can you orgasm knowing she is there under duress????

Parentingissotough · 28/05/2018 08:51

This is tough because you’re obviously feeling quite hurt, so i will try and be helpful, although I do think you need to reflect on your priorities.

What a previous poster said is absolutely true - having a baby is like a bomb going off in your life. If - and it’s an if - your wife is at home all day with your DD, doing all the feeds, weaning, night wakings and taking care of the house - washing, ironing, cleaning etc - then she will be exhausted. To someone who hasn’t done it, it sounds like you should have loads of free time in the day / be happy because you have the baby you always wanted, but in reality it’s draining and months of sleep deprivation drag on you. Throw in a body that has been stretched and strained and your wife may not be feeling at her best. My husband had to wait 2 years for regular sex as I needed corrective surgery after our DC was born. So by that token you’re doing pretty well. That said, we’ve had some difficult times (as you can imagine as my DH didn’t do nights / cleaning etc).

You need to talk.

You need to listen.

And you need to think about what you have contributed to this negative situation. When a situation is wrong, always start with I. When you don’t, you make yourself the victim and that dictates the narrative.

I’ll start you off. I had an unrealistic expectation of our relationship after DD was born...

LostInLeics · 28/05/2018 08:52

How often so you look after the baby on your own while your wife goes out or gets to catch up on sleep? Could you look after the baby on your own for a whole weekend while your wife goes away to stay with friends or family to get a break?

If you and your wife did divorce, you would obviously need to look after your daughter on your own at least every other weekend and a couple of evenings during the week, so it might be a good idea to start getting some practice now. It might also give you some idea of how hard it is for your wife to do it day in day out at the moment.

pastabest · 28/05/2018 08:52

I gave you advice. I told you to talk to your wife and stop just thinking about yourself.

You called me an inconsiderate dipshit.

I suspect you think your wife is also inconsiderate to your feelings.

Can't imagine why you and your wife argue? Do you call her similar stuff and insult her when she asks for help or tries to discuss things with you?

elmo1980 · 28/05/2018 08:53

It sounds like your wife is struggling looking after the baby and keeping the household going. Obviously resentment is there from her as she will see you going to work as getting time off (I know it's not time off as you're working but to her that's what it will feel like). You obviously resent coming home after a hard day to a dirty house and a miserable wife.

It's tough but you both need to communicate with each other about how you feel. Ignore the sex for now there s no way that's going to improve before other aspects are addressed.

Can you afford a cleaner to help with the house? Just a couple of hours a week may make all the difference. Agree a few hours at the weekend where you take the baby so your wife can have downtime, and likewise time for you so you can go to the gym.

It's important you don't turn it into a competition about who's got it hardest. You're a team and you need to work together. But please again, don't push the sex side of things until the day to day stuff has been addressed you will only make things worse.

Peach2018 · 28/05/2018 08:53

A baby changes everything about a relationship! Have you thought about spending time together just you and your wife? Even if it's when the baby goes to bed of an evening playing cards or just having a bottle of wine and having a light hearted chat. Spending quality time with your wife would probably help a lot! It takes a lot for a woman to feel 'herself' again after having a baby and sometimes it is so easy to slip into just being a mum. I'm sure if your relationship improved your sex life would too. Its hard to find the right balance!

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