Marriage on verge of collapse after first baby

[rob31067]

Hi All

I am new to Mumsnet and I am writing for some advice from people in the same position as me or know what I am going through.

A bit of history, my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have been together for about 13 years, we always said we would have one child and last year our little girl arrived. I have since had a vasectomy which we both knew about and agreed too.

Since our little girl arrived our household has not been the same, besides the addition of a family member, our marriage is at breaking point, there is constant fights, arguing and anger. We have lost all sense of happiness, fun and laughter and most importantly, the sex. This has completely stopped and if I am lucky, its once a fortnight and even then it’s as cold as ice.

I am the only breadwinner in the family and the stress on my shoulders is phenomenal, I work long hours, have stopped going to the gym, I am piling on the weight and I am comfort eating due to the work life and unhappy household.

Before our little girl arrived we had an amazing sex life, she was so active, now it only starts if I instigate it and then it’s all me doing the work, I get no foreplay, no touching, just get in and get it over with.

I have read that sex after children can dip off for a while, but for me having an active and satisfying sex life in a marriage is important.

I can’t go on like this, sex aside, I am talking about the arguments, fights, nasty words and comments. I am now looking at Divorce options and that’s something I never thought I would do as it would break my heart for our little girl to be raised in a broken home, but I am at breaking point and wondering if life is even worth going on.

Anyone else had this issue or can give some advice?

Thank you

What an incredibly self centred human you are OP. Unless you change your attitude completely and rapidly I really hope certainly expect your marriage is over.

'I came on this forum for some help and advice not to be shot down you inconsiderate dipsh*t'

Oh wow! You sound really angry and unpleasant. I feel really sorry for your partner. I hope she has some support near by, like her parents or siblings. You only seem to be concerned for yourself and don't come across as caring about your wife at all. What about her feelings?

If yo know she doesn’t want sex and you ‘get it in and get on with it’ - knowing she doesn’t want it - then you are having sex with someone without their full consent.

If your wife reads this, LTB.

Yeah, the “I am considering divorce options” statement made me think your wife would probably say: “OK. Don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out!” Apart from earing your family’s sole income (where you get 8+ hours away your baby adulting and being your own person), what else do you contribute? I went back to work full-time to a demanding, pressured job when both my babies were ~8 months and I can absolutely tell you it was easier than the 24/7 grind of full-time babycare.

Yep she us working all day with the baby and all you can think about is sex

Talk to each other you clearly find being the main breadwinner stressful. She finds doing everything else stressful

I can relate to this as me and DH are going through a similar situation at the moment, new baby and everything we are used to doing being thrown into the fire.

You need to work together, not against eachother.

You say you work 10 hours a day, she probably works more like 12-14. You need to figure out a way to make eachothers lives easier / happier so you can get back on track.

How old is your baby OP?

What you are describing sounds fairly normal compared to mine and my friend's experiences. Sleep deprivation will likely be the main cause of the griping.
You say you are the main bread winner and that's stressful (which I'm not doubting) but you seem to give little thought to how stressful it may be for you DW. Her body has been pulled about in ways you can only imagine (and will continue to be if she's bf) and her life has totally changed (no 'normality' of work for her, and I bet she's not going to the gym either!). Her new job is 24/7, permanently working or on call in a role which is 90% drudge and involves a lot of bodily fluids. She's most likely bloody exhausted, which will kill off anyone's sex drive... She may also be feeling fairly "touched out" (Google it).

What are you doing when you get home/at weekends OP? Are you making sure you are pulling your weight?
It is often cited that you should have equal leisure time on here. In the baby stage we found that meant sitting down for the evening at the same time, but has later expanded to also mean equal time away from the DCs to see friends or do hobbies. DH has recently started cycling but has realised that he needs to make it fit around what's needed at home, so he goes out really early in the morning before even the toddler is awake (she's not known for her lie-ins).

FWIW I would be very disappointed if DH was thinking of divorce in your situation. We've also been together 13yrs. I would expect him to be holding on in there and doing his best to make sure the load was shared (same as what I was doing). He never expected sex and was as tired as me so I don't think he was particularly bothered TBH. It's still very early days for you and we've found we are just starting to assess the 'storm damage' now DCs are nearly-4 and 23mo.

You work 10 hours a day and don't do anything for your wife or baby? Do you get to sit down for 5 minutes at work, go to the loo when you want? She's likely doing far more than you. Unfortunately it looks like you didn't realise that a baby requires 24/7 work in the early months.

I suspect a lot of this is previously you received all your wife’s care and attention and now it’s all focused on the baby and you’re feeling pushed out. She has a lot harder job than just going out to work and the constant pestering for sex and complaining about the untidy house will just cause her to snap you. You can improve the situation by doing the housework and give up on sex for while.
If I was your wife I’d have left you for demanding sex.

I'm sorry but I work 12 hours a day and am 30 weeks pregnant with hyperemesis. You have not got it tough. (Needless to say sex is definitely not on the cards as I would vomit with that much physical movement!!!).

Did you think you'd have a baby and get out of all the household chores, still be able to go to the gym and not support your wife unless she was like a play boy bunny?!?!

Absolutely shocking. Your poor wife.

no foreplay, no touching, just get in and get it over with

This is very rapey.

I don’t get why working 10 hours a day makes you special. When I’m working dh and I both work 10 hours a day (at least) and come home to cook dinner and do the washing because it doesn’t do itself. When I’m home with a baby he works 10 hours a day and comes home to cook dinner, do washing and look after baby. I work round the clock as there is a baby who needs looking after.

How much do you do alone with the baby at weekends?
How many night get-ups are you doing?
Has your wife been checked for pnd?

So what are you doing with DD at the weekend?

And your reaction to not hearing what you wanted on a forum does strongly suggest you're an entitled immature twat. Hth

I feel sorry for your wife. I think she should leave you, tbh. But you could attempt to talk to her like the human being she is and ask how she is feeling? Support her more??

OP - DH was out of the house 12 hours a day, what with commuting and working under constant time pressure. However, we had twins and when he was at home, he looked after one baby all evening, and all weekend, while I looked after the other. I was too exhausted breastfeeding them both plus looking after older DS, to cope with the twins 24/7! Other parents of twins split home time into shifts - DH looked after both twins from 6 pm to midnight, while DW slept, then she took over both from midnight, while he slept.

DS now has a baby; he works 12 hours a day, but looks after DGD until 2 am, while his DP sleeps. She takes over at 2 am.

As for sex, there is reason women tend to go off sex after a baby, apart from exhaustion and being touched out, and that is natural spacing! The natural spacing in societies, where they only breastfeed is 4 years! In evolutionary terms, we are still Stone Age tribesmen and vasectomies simply do not register in our evolution as yet!

You had about 13 years of undivided attention; now you have to learn to share. That means everything. When you married it was for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health wasn't it? Now your wife and child need you to make good your promise. How would you feel if you couldn't perform and she divorced you?

OP what was the picture in your head when babies come on the scene.

Tbh it sounds as if your wife is massively struggling, add an unsupportive husband to that and she could slip into depression.

A tip, when you nag your wife and hold the work badge out to get out of parenting and housework.... You don't get laid. You're lucky she's even nodding in that direction tbh just going on what you've said.

Your wife needs support, she needs you to pick up more in the house and she needs time to herself. Are you giving her that?

Seems like you thought you could have a baby together and life wouldn't change. Your house would still be clean, your sex life would remain the same, you'd still be able to go to the gym..etc etc. Basically your wife would pick up the slack to ensure that nothing in your life changed. This is totally unrealistic.

We have lost all sense of happiness, fun and laughter and most importantly, the sex. This has completely stopped and if I am lucky, its once a fortnight

I copied this as it seemed like a very problematic section, but as I kept reading they’re all problematic.

Do you actually want to save your marriage? If so, you need to stop being defensive and actually listen to what those with experience are telling you.

Sex should be “most important”, especially in the first couple of years after a baby. I think you need to read up on what pregnancy hormones can do to a woman’s sex drive. I couldn’t even stand to be touched and we didn’t have sex until my twins were 11 months old. I pumped until they were 7 months and it took a few months once my cycles had returned for my hormones to sort themselves out. Then after a few months I went back on the pill and it went again completely. So yes, once a fortnight is being lucky at this stage, although it sounds to me like she doesn’t want to have it - does it bother you that your wife is having sex she doesn’t want just so you will shut up about it? That’s the most harmful thing for your marriage right there.

Have you stopped to think about what your wife has been through physically, hormonally, mentally in the last couple of years? Do you share the mental load of raising a child as well as the physical work? Yes you’re the “breadwinner” - she’s raising your child, does that have no value to you? Having a baby is a huge change, and she has borne the brunt of most of those changes.

I find your attitude very concerning. You’ve been together 13 years, and you’re going to leave because you’re arguing and not having enough sex? You’ve got a baby FFS. You’re resenting her because she’s not putting out. She’s resenting you because (I have no doubt) she feels unsupported, coerced into sex and has the fact that you’re the breadwinner shoved in her face.

If your wife were posting, I’d tell her to leave. Since you’re posting, I’ll tell you that you need to buck your ideas up and sort out your attitude. You’ll be surprised how much better your relationship is if you make her life easier rather than harder.

Long hours are normal these days, I don’t understand why you’re making such a song and dance about it.

Nor do I understand why you’re pushing your wife to have sex when she’s recently had a baby and clearly doesn’t want to. Carrying on when she’s clearly not into it will kill your marriage stone dead. Why not consider why sex dips after a baby and what your wife wants, rather than what you want?

You come across as self-centered, naive and immature.

Are you putting in any effort to re-establish the ‘fun and laughter’ or just the prioritising the sex? As a tired new mum, I missed adult conversation and being seen as me and not ‘mummy.’
You have had 13 presumably happy years together and you’re willing to toss that aside because of some difficulties in adjusting to parenthood? Why are people still surprised by this? For time immemorial people have spoken about the strain a baby puts on a marriage or relationship. Sleep deprivation is a killer.

What are you doing to make for a happier home? What do you miss (apart from sex)?

ops not coming back. It’s quite unbelievable how many men come on this board and almost immediately hit fury if the first few replies are not what they want or expect.
What you’re all supposed to say is “omg poor you op, you’re working 10 hours a day with no sex your wife needs to pull her socks up, you are a hero amongst men”.
When we don’t, he throws is the derogatory statement about the dirty nappies to put his wife down.
And he wonders why his wife is unhappy and his marraige isn’t working

Life does change after having a baby, and won’t get back to normal until they leave home.

Imthink you have to sit down, and re-elavulate how,you live. Firstly, take sex of the table. That’s addimg too much pressure at the moment,

You have a young baby, so are probably all sleep,deprived, which isn’t helping.

Teamwork,is the answer here. The roles have changed. You need to work,together, not apart.

At the weekends, batch cook a lot,of meals,,so there are less to,do during the week. Share the responsibility of the baby and the household . Give each other time to catch up on sleep,

Remember, it’s not just about you know. Your wife’s priority will,be the baby now, not you. You have to accept that you take second place, and adjust accordingly.

It is hard having a new baby, for everyone, so work together, not apart.