Marriage on verge of collapse after first baby

[rob31067]

Hi All

I am new to Mumsnet and I am writing for some advice from people in the same position as me or know what I am going through.

A bit of history, my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have been together for about 13 years, we always said we would have one child and last year our little girl arrived. I have since had a vasectomy which we both knew about and agreed too.

Since our little girl arrived our household has not been the same, besides the addition of a family member, our marriage is at breaking point, there is constant fights, arguing and anger. We have lost all sense of happiness, fun and laughter and most importantly, the sex. This has completely stopped and if I am lucky, its once a fortnight and even then it’s as cold as ice.

I am the only breadwinner in the family and the stress on my shoulders is phenomenal, I work long hours, have stopped going to the gym, I am piling on the weight and I am comfort eating due to the work life and unhappy household.

Before our little girl arrived we had an amazing sex life, she was so active, now it only starts if I instigate it and then it’s all me doing the work, I get no foreplay, no touching, just get in and get it over with.

I have read that sex after children can dip off for a while, but for me having an active and satisfying sex life in a marriage is important.

I can’t go on like this, sex aside, I am talking about the arguments, fights, nasty words and comments. I am now looking at Divorce options and that’s something I never thought I would do as it would break my heart for our little girl to be raised in a broken home, but I am at breaking point and wondering if life is even worth going on.

Anyone else had this issue or can give some advice?

Thank you

'I came on this forum for some help and advice not to be shot down you inconsiderate dipsht'*

And there you really are. Is this the version your wife gets when she's not meeting your expectations?

It sounds to me from your version of events (I would be VERY interested to hear your wife's) that your wife needs support and help with the baby and house. My husband works 12 hour days including 2 night shifts and he still manages to help out with our toddler. It's not like he comes in from work and I bugger off but he helps. Does she get to go to the gym? Does she get a bit of time away? Why is this all about you? I see the picture you're trying to paint and I'm not buying it.

Your baby is what? Born last year so 15/16 months old at the very most? The first year is really hard, it's such a steep learning curve, then just as you think you've got a handle on it they turn into toddlers and it all changes again. The fact you are considering 'divorce options' at this point speaks volumes to be honest.

Kids change things. It's sad that you're only just realising this.

I don't think rob/lostdad will be back.

Either that or he is furiously writing another post about how we are just bitter moaning hags who don't know what he has to put up with

I don't think he likes women not doing what they are told.

I doubt there is any couple out there with a young child who are having regular sex full of foreplay and whatever else. It’s exhausting being a parent and the fact you are still having it twice a month is more than a lot of parents.
Plus why would your wife want lots of foreplay and intimacy when you guys are arguing 24/7?! Surely it would be better to sort the relationship out first, even if it takes a while, and then the sex will be less cold and you’ll both feel closer again?
I think you need to ask her how she’s feeling about everything and let her tell you without you jumping in with accusations and being defensive. You then do the same and you then both try to establish how you can slowly start to regain your bond back. Don’t nag her for more sex until she feels happier in the relationship again

Poor wife :(

Wonder if she regrets having a baby with such a self centred man.

You are willing to leave a woman you have loved for 13 years and have a young child with because you work 10 hours a day so can’t be a hands on dad and think that she should be a cleaner.

Because that’s likely to be the biggest factor in her lack of interest in sex.

You got hostile when someone kindly took the time and effort to point this out to you and it sounds like you are that argumentative and lack the same self awareness at home.

Look in the mirror and see what you can change about you it won’t be instant but if you stop needing to be right all the time you will find that you get back to how it was.

Op, I really do think you should come back and engage here. There is lots of truth being said which you may not like to hear, but you need to decide a plan for your family so that you can find a way that works.

Nothing is ever the same after a baby. A new landscape. Redefine your ways together. A blank sheet of paper, who does what, when, how you can help each other, what you can ditch temporarily for your sanity (gym, sex, diy, pushy friends, overtime at work...) Please remember, this will all change as you go along. A little slack will appear here and there, baby will sleep all night, fun and happiness can return.

Haha. You’re getting it fortnightly?? My OH would think all his birthdays and christmases had come at once getting it that regularly! And our DC are 7 and 3!!!
You sound a delight.

One day at the weekend DP watches our DC for a couple of hours while I do a proper tidy and clean of the whole house.
He'll also let me have a lie in most weekends, we get up at the same time but he realises I'm not OK on the 'same' amount of sleep as he doesn't get up with the DC during the night so he let's me sleep in.
It sounds like you need to appreciate how tiring parenting full time is. There's no reason why you can't help working 10 hour days.
DPs old job meant he was out of the house 7.30-6.45, he would get in, eat, then do bath time while I tidied up after tea, then get middle DC to bed and hold the baby while I got older DC to bed.
Then once everything was done we would both relax. Are you getting in and doing similar, or are you expecting to finish work and relax while she continues working looking after the baby and tidying?

If you want a sex life back you need to make her feel attracted to you again and let her rest enough to have the energy for it.
I doubt many women would feel attracted to someone who is just complaining about their house being messy rather than noticing she clearly needs more help from you.

I suspect OP has done a runner because posts have not been the 'poor you's he expected, demanded even

But really, OP (even if you never read this), what did you expect when posting on MUMSnet? The majority of users are women, many of whom have children. Of course we are going to see it from a different perspective than yours, having been in the trenches ourselves with the 24/7 childcare, household chores, etc.

When I was on maternity leave my job, when DH was at work, was to take care of the baby. If I was able to do any housework during that time, great, if not, fine. During the hours DH was at home everything was shared as much as possible, though DH probably did the lion's share of the actual housework due to v clingy baby.

As far as sleep I didn't get much the first year as I did all the night feedings (breastfeeding). Also I wanted DH to get a decent amount of sleep if at all possible as he was sometimes operating heavy machinery at work and needed his with about him for that.

Sex? I suppose we had sex more often than you atm, but you see, I actually found DH attractive as he did his absolute best to help and support me as I did him. So my advice to you is to start doing the same. Start by actually talking to your wife to find out how she is doing in all of this.

I suspect this post as being the fictious kind

OP, if you’re still reading/a real person, here’s what you need to do:

If you’re in the UK, you get 20 days of paid holiday. Book 5 of them. Book your wife a holiday for that period. If she can’t go away completely, make sure she’s booked into some activity that has her out of the house for 10 hours at a time.

For that week, look after the baby by yourself, while making sure you keep the house to the standards you expect. Do this with exactly the same level of support that your wife has, no more - not from cleaners, friends, family or anybody. Take care of any night-time wakings, and make sure you book any appointments the baby needs. At the end of the week all laundry, washing up and tidying MUST be completed and put away - no cheating by leaving any of it till next week.

If the baby’s breastfed, you can switch to formula - it’ll be a lot better for her than growing up in a broken home, after all. Or if your wife (not you) really wants to, she can express.

I guarantee this measure will put an end to the current problems in your marriage.

Meh, I see this a bit differently tbh and think sex is still v important after having a baby.

I think you need to sit down and communicate more. It may be a tiredness thing, it may not (not all mums find it tiring), but you shouldn't give up on your marriage without trying to save it first. I'd talk and also consider marriage counselling.

Anyone who says sex is high up the list of priorities after birth either didn’t have babies like mine, or didn’t have a hormonal catastrofuck like mine. What was very important was not feeling coerced into sex I couldn’t physically or mentally handle, but luckily I’m not married to a selfish arse.

OP you sound like a dreadful husband. Your poor wife. All you care about is going to the gym and getting laid. Are you possibly 18 years old? Unfortunately nature isn’t able to filter out from reproduction a**holes who will be terrible fathers. In your case it ought to have.
I can surely bet that you scarcely do any childcare or help your wife at all. Perhaps you hold the baby for two minutes whilst your wife showers, and expect sex in return for such a massive favour.

You are a complete twit. Are you also a mummy’s boy, or is this a cultural thing, or were you always so selfish?