4 year old boy

[BasinHaircut]

I am at the end of my tether. Honestly my little boy is just being completely hideous at the moment and I don’t know what to do about it.

There are 2 elements to it, firstly, he doesn’t seem to be able to get a handle on his emotions. He is getting so angry about things, throwing stuff at the wall if he can’t open it for example, instead of asking me to help. Similar behaviour if he loses a game on the iPad etc etc, kicking out, throwing his head back and almost having a toddler tantrum.

Secondly, he is constantly (and I mean constantly, all day, everything he does) doing stuff to get a reaction from me or DH. Doing the opposite of what he is told, no matter how simple the request.

He is at school and he doesn’t seem to be behaving like this whilst he is there. Equally he is good as gold for other people so I don’t think he has any underlying behavioural issues or learning disabilities.

Am I just a shit parent? I know everyone says they are always worse for their parents but honestly, I’ve never known any other child to be this much hard work.

No you’re not a shot parent. From what I remember there a testosterone increase at 4 and they do start testing the boundaries to see where they fit. Just try to keep calm and gently remind him of the rules. If you’re struggling try Calm Parents: Happy Kids, The No Cry Discipline Solution or 123 Magic

Thanks Jilted - great name by the way, love that song.

Someone else said hormone surge to me and I do think it might have some merit. I also know that he is much worse on Thursday and Friday when he is tired from school, but I feel less is I’m just excusing his behaviour when he is just being a terror.

I will check out those links.

I remember having similar worries at that age. I think hormones may very well have something to do with it.

Take comfort that if he's fine at school then him acting up with you only actually shows he has security in your bond to test you. That's what I was told anyway that if he's good at home and naughty at school it's FAR more concerning

DS got through it but I don't think toddler tantrums necessarily stop at toddler age

Take away the I pad?

babymama taking away the iPad doesn’t solve anything. A week or so ago I took away the iPad and didn’t let him have any ‘treats’ (crisps etc) for a week and he was not bothered. On the other hand, I didn’t let him come with me to the supermarket one evening and he lost his shit. It’s not rational.

wft that’s reassuring!

He never really had many proper tantrums as a toddler to be honest, apart from some belting middle of the night ones. But agree there probably isn’t a set time they will stop as it’s about being mature enough to reason and rationalise. When DS certainly hasn’t got yet.

Take his iPad away.
Be sure to play with him instead of leaving him to play alone on his iPad
Play games that involve someone losing, and explain what "game" means
Involve him in everything you do - make him your little helper.

Just read your last post.
Taking away iPad is not for punishment. It's not about him being "bothered". It's about him being engaged with the rest of the family, as evidenced by him having a strop when you wouldn't take him shopping.

I think I tend to agree with Herat by not taking the iPad away as a punishment but seriously limiting his time on it, if he has it at all. The games use lots of techniques to make them want to stay and he seems to be having difficulty coping off. It’s perfectly understandable and we’ve had it too. They just need much, much less time on the device.

And if you think tiredness is a cause, is he getting 12 hours sleep? Is he doing many out of school activities?

I think the hormone surge thing was disproven, but it's certainly common for them to display challenging behaviour at 4, I absolutely struggled with this age. Andrea Nair is a parenting blogger I found around this time who really gets it IME and she reckons PND can peak/come back at 4 and I think that also doesn't help. Here's one of her articles which I really like: www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-connect-four-parenting/20150303/stop-tantrums-in-three-and-four-year-olds

I think you're right that their emotions are very overwhelming to them, and they have all of the baby impulsivity and lack of reason but they are much stronger and cleverer than toddlers which means they can cause a lot of trouble with it!

If he's still 4 and at school he must have a summer birthday? So he must be one of the youngest in his class and he might just be totally exhausted coming to the end of the school year. That does have an effect and an earlier bedtime or more wind-down time when he's at home might help him recharge a little.

It's up to you whether you allow screen time or not but some parents find for some children their behaviour is generally better when it's reduced or totally banned. I know this isn't the case for mine, it makes no difference except that when he's on them too much he gets stroppy at the thought of possibly having to entertain himself, so it does help to have some limits, especially if these can be very predictable and are totally rigid. Getting as much outdoor time as well also helps a LOT - small children are quite like dogs in that if they don't expend their energy it can come out in destructive or annoying ways.

I found that 4 is an age you really have to be extremely solid and consistent in your rules because they cannot handle exceptions or negotiations happening sometimes and not others. This can be a bit miserable especially if it doesn't come easily to you (it doesn't to me) but I think that can be a common reason when the toddler years have been easy for four to suddenly become a head butting time because now they are asking for things you can't always compromise on. I should add as well that spending time trying to reason or get him to understand the reasons why you're saying no is a waste of time, because it's an emotional reaction on his part, not a "winning" one.

It can help to dial back and reduce your expectations. Think back to how you did things when he was 2 or 3. He seems very grown up at 4 but likely still needs this kind of attention. In fact attention in general is really really important. Make sure you plan in lots of time during the day to give him focused, one-on-one attention and make this positive - whether it's an easy win activity or you just catch him being good and praise descriptively. Don't try to attempt lots of complicated things and get frustrated when they fail, stick to mostly things which are likely to be easy wins with him. If he's been playing more independently, it can be time to pull back a little, think of this like pulling back the arrow - by 5 or 6 he will be actively seeking out these opportunities for independence, so there's no real need to keep pushing or encouraging it at this age, and the opposite can also be helpful as it gives him the security in your love and presence to be able to go back and do that later. Any younger siblings around? That can also be a common trigger/pattern.

With the closer attention you are paying him, you should be better placed to try to pre-empt things like getting so frustrated that he throws things at the wall. You can teach him simple anger management techniques like breathing (blowing out the candles on a birthday cake) or counting to 10, or asking for help before it gets too difficult. Really really praise if he redirects his anger from physical violence towards calming down, even if he doesn't get it 100% right. Any improvement is a huge effort on his part and it's worth recognising that.

Thanks bertie.

Just to clarify, I do take away the iPad if he doesn’t use it nicely, and he doesn’t have it for long, 20 mins a day after school to wind down and maybe half an hour in the morning at the weekend. I meant that not letting him have it at all doesn’t really phase him as he will just play something else.

That's fine - it depends what you're going for. If you're going for a deterrent and he doesn't care then probably pick a different punishment! If you're going for reducing screen time in general, then it's great he does other things to entertain himself without it there - some children will just whine and cry and complain for the ipad back.