I am too controlling. What the f*ck is wrong with me?

[hellomellow]

Please, someone shoot me.

I'm from a fairly abusive childhood - physically and emotionally - but I thought I was in a really good place when I had my children. I promised myself I would never harm them in the same way my parents did to me.

Fast forward some years and I have two kids - 4 and 7. They are the best thing that has happened to me, but I am sooooo controlling and anxious around them all the time. Nagging them about every bloody thing.

Take for example, walking to school today. I nagged them several times over walking too close to the road, not looking both ways when we cross, walking too close to the small river which runs along the pathway to their school. The list is endless.

Yesterday evening, my eldest opened the front door to chat to one of our neighbours. She didn't ask, she just went ahead and did it. I lost my temper with her and out from my mouth came all the put downs and emotional crap, which made her really sad. My neighbour said it wasn't a problem because she was with her, but the point was that she shouldn't be going outside without me knowing.

I just don't handle parenting very well. I am far too controlling (at least I think I am) and whenever the kids are around me, I feel like a bag of nerves. My daughter wrote a note and said she gets really sad when I shout at her.

I know there are perfect parenting techniques. The list of parenting books I have is endless. I have had counselling before and try to use CBT whenever I can, but I feel hopeless. I feel like my past is too strong and it oozes out of me whenever I am around my kids. It's like I love them, but I hate the things they do (i.e. shout too much, squirm around and can't keep still, ignore me when I ask them to do stuff, fight with each other, demand stuff from me, break things, spill things).

I try various parenting techniques - reward charts, talking to them differently (I have a copy of How to Talk So Kids will Listen), trying to find time for myself so that I am not to uptight etc etc. We don't have childcare, but my sister has them occasionally for a few hours every few months.

They are not bad kids - they do what all kids typically do - but I have set such high standards for me and them and I'm just killing myself and their little spirits.

I am at the end where I simply cannot focus. I am so serious all the time and I don't recognise the person I've become.

The doctors are useless and always want to pump me with drugs for anxiety, when I know it's a brain lobotomy that I need.

*hellomellow’ it sounds like you are still working through a whole heap of stuff. It’s brilliant that you are able to reflect and acknowledge that there are things that you want to do better.

I have no idea how anyone goes about doing that!

I have similar books and (almost) try my best everyday to be a better person, I rarely succeed.
Be kind to yourself, from your OP it’s clear to see that you are trying, and at the end of the day that’s all we can do.

Hopeful bump that someone with more experience comes along.

hellomeddow bold fail there, and other mistakes

Hell. hellomellow

OP, I'm glad you're addressing this in yourself. My mum was/is like this, and it made for a difficult childhood/adolescence. I was very glad to get out of there!

You have two excellent things. Self-awareness and a genuine desire to change. So you can do it. The how, I think, is therapy. Probably in depth, medium/long term therapy (CBT is good for some things but won’t cut it for this). Can you afford to go private? If so do your research and talk to a few before choosing one.

Sounds like you really care for your children and are willing to work on your relationship with them. It also sounds like you’ve been focusing on “what to do” and trying different techniques, maybe because you are keen to do something different from your own experience but not sure what that would look like.
There is various bits of money going into schools now to try and support familieswith parenting and I wonder if seeing if your school can help maybe a good start as it maybe that talking to someone about parenting face to face does more than a tick list of behaviours to try, because you have tried them but they haven’t worked.

I don’t think parenting books or a parenting course are what you need. Intellectually you know what to do (and what not to do). But there is something deep down and emotional that is triggering all the behaviour you don’t want. That’s why you need decent therapy to unpick it and break the cycle.

You sound hyper vigilant all the time and that’s not uncommon for someone with a history of emotional or physical abuse. It also creates anxiety. I would suggest you continue with counseling and possibly consider medication for a period of time.

Op, you sound amazing. Not a lot if people can reflect on their behaviors so honestly. I find parenting so hard, it's like the most important thing that ive ever done, but i lack really key skills. I exercise A LOT. For the twenty four hours after a swim/run/yoga i have buckets of patience. I am not a naturally sporty person, but i maje myself do it cause its the only tool i know works for being less mental.

Good luck and

YY to exercise, especially yoga. I also did a mindfulness course once and it was great feeling calm and grounded. I like yoga because if you can find the right class it’s the perfect combination of exercise and mindfulness.

OP have you ever contacted NAPAC? If not could be worth checking them out?

I was going to mention hyper vidulance.

Planning can help . Think through your day what are the important rules . I am a cm so take a mini tribe to school . We do talk about anything important for school route before we leave . Oldest one next to the road.

I think actually you need to introduce some more fun into these activities . We do walk like a ... then pick an animal . We do racing cars or horse races . You set finish line . Bridge .... who can creep across the bridge without waking the troll.

I also agree you do need more counselling.

@CowbellPopular This is what I am dreading - them hating me when they're adults.

@AnotherEmma Can't afford to go private, although I did have some sessions last year. I found I was going nowhere though. My brother has been in therapy for years (for a different reason) and he just hasn't improved. There is something really deep, which I can't seem to get away from.

@Simbachippy Yes, hyper vigilant definitely fits me.

@timshortfforthalia Thank you. xx I may try exercising as this may definitely help.

I thought of a few things whilst reading your post OP, the main one is they I can relate to your parenting style (I like good behaviour, rules abided to, kind attitude, behave safely etc) and ultimately, this requires rules and some sort of discussion when they’re not met.

I haven’t had the childhood you had (although think single parent, low income and struggling DM who did her best int he situation she had) but I think perhaps you’re looking at this from an unbiased perspective as you a judge and jury of your own behaviours.

My daughter wrote a note and said she gets really sad when I shout at her

You can’t necessarily rely on your DD’s perspective. My DD would say the same thing and probably every child would say the same thing.

What does your DH/P say of you as a parent?

Have you ever sat with DD and done one of those silly quizzes with questions like “what’s your mums favourite colour? What’s your mums favourite thing to do with you? What makes mummy laugh? What makes mummy sad?” (You can switch the Q’s for dad too) I do these with DD every few months (and write them down too so I can track the answers!) but it opens the communication with her about why I get sad / angry, and happy / fun.

It also gets us talking about getting angry / shouty, as I am this, for the right reasons. Yes, I lose my shit too, and I apologise but I treat DD probably older than what she is as I explain the reasons...the consequences of the behaviour. I probably talk too much (DH has said this to me) but I like that way of parenting.

I know there are perfect parenting techniques. The list of parenting books I have is endless.

Throw the books away. Make your own rules with this parenting lark because your 2 DC are unique. There is no one like them in the whole world. I honestly mean that. Books make parents feel guilt, guilt makes our behaviours different, and being different with our children isn’t consistent.

I am so serious all the time and I don't recognise the person I've become

I have been here. Try this technique ( but also, don’t worry about it working not working as per the above about not reading books!). Write the answers to these down, or just talk about them with someone. Think back to why you decided to have children? When did you decide? What did it feel like to make the decision? What kind of parent did you want to be? When did you get the test results? How did feel? When your baby was born, how did you feel? What promises did you make in your head that day?

Really concentrate on the feelings and desire to become a parent. Take it back to the root of “why”. I answered these honestly myself several weeks ago, and come to the conclusion that the birth of my DD was the best day of my life. I had a few tears because I forgot about that feeling. I was lost, angry and sad that I wasn’t enjoying parenting. I told DD the positive but only - that she was the bestest thing that happened to me. She said she didn’t know that. Her own behaviour changed towards me. We talked about me getting sad, angry etc, and me only doing so because I wanted her to be safe / kind etc, and so when rules break, I’m sad that we both shout. It was a really honest discussion with a 6yo which I never thought would happen.

OP, I’ve rambled enough and I hope some of it helps a little. Sounds like you’re doing a great job to me, parenting is fucking hard!

@Digestive28 That sounds great about schools. I do see many families being helped - mainly those that are single parent or in financial difficulties. They also have very obvious signs of abuse i.e. a physically abusive parent. I don't fit any of those categories. I am very proud that I have never laid a single hand on my kids. I definitely broke that cycle. However, I find that mental abuse is far more damaging. When I think back to my childhood, I remember the put downs and humiliation more than any of the beatings.

I just wanted to say that there are no "perfect parenting techniques", there is no perfect way to parent. Allowing ourselves to be good enough without guilt is plenty to be aiming for. You don't have to be a perfect parent and your DCs don't need to be behaving perfectly all the time. You know this but are struggling to put your knowledge into action - this is a really positive place to be as you are aware there is a problem, you have identified the issues and you are willing to make changes to improve things.

I don't think there is a simple answer, but you will get there

Have you ever read the Stately Homes thread(s) or any of the books recommended on it?

@DrCorday, thank you so much for that post. I guess I am hard on myself, but when I sit down at the end of each day and reflect on what I said/did, I just don't understand what's wrong with me.

For me, I do still remember why we had children. I think it's more the day to day not being able to control myself when they argue, fight or do something which annoys me. I don't helpfully tell them off, I end up humiliating them.

For example, I will say things like:

"For God's sake, you're acting like a baby."
"Stop embarrassing yourself in front of X, Y or Z"
"You keep annoying me by doing X, Y or Z"
"Stop making Mummy angry."
"Why do you keep doing X, Y, Z? You're doing it to annoy me, aren't you?!"
"Stop throwing that on the floor!" (knowing full well my DD dropped it by accident.

None of these things are helpful and they are said to get the anger off my chest more than anything.

We walked home from school today and one of my DDs pushed the other one because she was walking too slow. I lost my rag and starting shouting and humiliating her, when all I should have done is scolded her for her behaviour and moved on. But no, 10 minutes up the road I am still harping on about her behaviour. It's like I totally overreacted and I could hear myself say all this crap, but couldn't stop it.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling!

Op I know what you mean about hyper vigilance. We had similar backgrounds by the sounds of it so I can relate to what you are saying. I too worry about how I am with my kids, I think though that at times I need to cut myself some slack as I over read into some comments I make as I’m so paranoid of repeating the past. From the examples you’ve given above, I think some of them are pretty normal. If you don’t then what’s stopping you from apologising to your children and explaining why you behaved like that. Such sets an excellent example for when our kids make their own mistakes. Unfortunately our past is with us for all our presents but not in its entirety. You’ve said you have never hit your children so there, you’ve broken the cycle already. Sadly Many people from abusive homes don’t manage to do this so you are further from your past than you think. Keep up with the self reflection and talking to your kids when you make a mistake/behave unkindly. I for one would not be able to relate to your post so much if my mum had bothered to do the same with me. Most hurt can be healed with an apology 💐

Oh goodness OP, don't worry! I CERTAINLY don't hate my mum. I love her tremendously. I just found living with her difficult. Just like you, she tried her very best and loved her children so much - hardly the worst fault! I didn't mean my post to read so flippant - I think it's great that you're addressing this, but even if you didn't, everything is fine and you're a great mum!

OP I think I'm a bit like you. I adore my children and they adore me. But... I know I'm hyper vigilant and too shouty and short tempered. Tried counselling (ok 1 session) but didn't find it helpful. This is what I do-
Yoga weekly
Run weekly
Apologise to my children if I know I've reacted inappropriately to something.

It's just the way I am. I'm a fab mum just not a perfect one! Nowhere near!

“Tried counselling (ok 1 session) but didn't find it helpful.”

🙄

@CowbellPopular Oh that's lovely to hear. It sounds like you are still close to your mum. If I am totally honest, I don't like my mum at all. I've distanced myself from her over the years and only see her a few times a month, even though she lives only a mile away. She is so different now, but I don't really like being in her company and I'm quite rude to her these days. I find her critical and that reminds me of how critical I am too.

@Chocness Thank you for your post.I am always apologising to my kids and they always look blankly at me like they don't fully understand why I am apologising. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde, so that's probably why they have no idea how to react.

@tastylancs Thanks for your post. I'm definitely going to start exercising more as this seems to be a positive step for many areas of my life.

It does sound a bit like you've got some anxiety issues that are spilling out onto your kids. Maybe consider medication for a period, to help break the pattern you're in? I don't really get why walking close to the river is a huge deal if they've never fallen in, for instance, or opening the front door--sounds like a bit of an overreaction.

Re therapy--some therapists aren't a good match for a person and years can indeed go by with nothing happening. A different therapist can give different results. I think by six weeks in, if things don't feel different, it's time to change therapist.

Sometimes you can get therapy cheaper by working with a student. I did that and it was life-changing.