I am too controlling. What the f*ck is wrong with me?

[hellomellow]

Please, someone shoot me.

I'm from a fairly abusive childhood - physically and emotionally - but I thought I was in a really good place when I had my children. I promised myself I would never harm them in the same way my parents did to me.

Fast forward some years and I have two kids - 4 and 7. They are the best thing that has happened to me, but I am sooooo controlling and anxious around them all the time. Nagging them about every bloody thing.

Take for example, walking to school today. I nagged them several times over walking too close to the road, not looking both ways when we cross, walking too close to the small river which runs along the pathway to their school. The list is endless.

Yesterday evening, my eldest opened the front door to chat to one of our neighbours. She didn't ask, she just went ahead and did it. I lost my temper with her and out from my mouth came all the put downs and emotional crap, which made her really sad. My neighbour said it wasn't a problem because she was with her, but the point was that she shouldn't be going outside without me knowing.

I just don't handle parenting very well. I am far too controlling (at least I think I am) and whenever the kids are around me, I feel like a bag of nerves. My daughter wrote a note and said she gets really sad when I shout at her.

I know there are perfect parenting techniques. The list of parenting books I have is endless. I have had counselling before and try to use CBT whenever I can, but I feel hopeless. I feel like my past is too strong and it oozes out of me whenever I am around my kids. It's like I love them, but I hate the things they do (i.e. shout too much, squirm around and can't keep still, ignore me when I ask them to do stuff, fight with each other, demand stuff from me, break things, spill things).

I try various parenting techniques - reward charts, talking to them differently (I have a copy of How to Talk So Kids will Listen), trying to find time for myself so that I am not to uptight etc etc. We don't have childcare, but my sister has them occasionally for a few hours every few months.

They are not bad kids - they do what all kids typically do - but I have set such high standards for me and them and I'm just killing myself and their little spirits.

I am at the end where I simply cannot focus. I am so serious all the time and I don't recognise the person I've become.

The doctors are useless and always want to pump me with drugs for anxiety, when I know it's a brain lobotomy that I need.

Regarding counselling, I have to be honest, I am pretty suspicious of those who are paid to listen to me. I automatically feel like their intentions are not to help, but to earn a living.

My brother has been in counselling for years with two very experienced individuals. But I can't help but feel that whenever he gets over one issue, they bring up another issue for him to work on and the cycle continues.

At £45 a weekly session, it becomes an expensive crutch. When I was 18, I saw a counsellor (council funded) and I found the constant checks of her watch off putting. With my hyper-senstivity, I felt like I was boring her.

Then I had counselling last year with someone recommended by quite a few people. I gave it a go. It was useful to start with, then we seemed to go over the same ground. When I suggested leaving counselling for a while to let all the useful information sink in, she was seemed quite annoyed.

I dunno, maybe I should give it another go.

@JoanFrenulum Yes, for me it's always the 'what ifs' so walking by the river making me feel like they're going to fall in, even though they haven't thus far. It's like a constant 'feeling' in the back of my head which says 'danger' all the time. The front door is the same - we were always told not to open the door and I guess that feeling had stuck. Glad to hear your therapist was worth it. I'm happy to receive any recommendations.

a constant 'feeling' in the back of my head which says 'danger' all the time

Ok so everyone's brain works differently but for me this is how clinical anxiety feels and it's ever so much better when I've got medication to tame it.

Therapy's like having a personal trainer for feelings. It's legit to take a few weeks off to practice before you go back for more. Some therapists get miffed at that idea just like some personal trainers would, but some won't.

I've not got any recs, I'm on the wrong side of the world, but wish you luck

Stop embarrassing yourself in front of X, Y or Z

Can you give yourself permission to not give a rat's pizzle about what X, Y, or Z think? It's very liberating.

@JoanFrenulum 'Can you give yourself permission to not give a rat's pizzle about what X, Y, or Z think? It's very liberating.'

I soooo wish I could be like this and not give a hoot. I really wish I could, because it will be one less thing to worry about lol.

When your kids push your buttons. It's a brilliant book! It does push you to examine your issues, which isn't easy, but it's brilliant in that it recognises it's not always the kids' behaviour which is the problem, but the way you react to it. Defo changed my parenting.

I see a lot of myself in what you describe. I don't mind being a firm parent, but I don't think I always go about it the right way.

I know you say you've read a lot of books already but a month or so ago I read 'Calm Parents Happy Kids' and it has massively changed things for me. I found it gave really practical advice for just STOPPING those words coming out of your mouth, and recognising when you're about to let rip. I'd previously thought I had no warning, but realised I do, it's just earlier than I thought. I feel so much happier not being a snippy mum, and it's sort of self fulfilling - you're happier,so you're less stressed, so your tolerance is higher, so you're happier etc etc.

What are you angry at? Because that is a lot of anger and you are putting it on them when they are just acting like normal children

I’m a bit like you op. Now if I feel like I’m going to shout or be ott I literally keep quiet. Remember the saying ‘if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ then apply it to yourself.

Kids can be a pain, they make mistakes they are learning all the time, developing etc

Can you put the radio on more often? Sounds mad but music is a great mood booster!

The thing what sticks out is you shouting when you knew your child dropped something by accident and accusing her of doing it on purpose.

@ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual 'I found it gave really practical advice for just STOPPING those words coming out of your mouth'

Thanks for the info about the book. I've read some of these books where the practical advice is to go to another room and count to ten. It may work for the first time, but when you return to your kids and they are still fighting/arguing/complaining etc, it doesn't end up working.

I read a book recently where you have to listen more to kids and I totally get that. In fact, I get a lot of what many of these books say. However, putting it into practice is very hard because you are having to almost 'act' like someone else. I can manage it for a day or two, but my 'real' self sneaks back.

@BrandNewHouse ' You don’t say how, on reflection, you would like to react to the most common triggers? Kids fighting because one is too slow is very very common. Have you got a plan for the next time it happens.'

I too feel sick just talking about it. :( I would like to react in a way that tells them not to continue arguing/fighting etc, but not overreact. I find that when my kids behave in this way, I can manage to control myself for the first three or four times. I keep my cool as best as I can. Then when they continue again and again, I lose my rag, but it's this pent up frustration that makes me overreact.

I spoke to my counsellor last year about this many times, but she kept saying to me that my kids have food on the table and they're clothed and they don't suffer poverty etc etc. She couldn't understand that I feel my kids are still suffering because of the way I talk to them.

@Quartz2208 A good question. I really don't know. I do find that noise in general makes me very agitated. Like lots of people talking to me at the same time or noisy rooms. I find certain noises make me agitated and angry.

I adore my kids, so I have no idea where this anger comes from.

She sounds like a crap counsellor tbh. They are so variable. Choosing the right one is the difference between a waste of time and money and a life saver.

@BrandNewHouse '3. Have you tried any of the techniques that are used on children. E.g. would you make a chart of how many times you say/do things you regret so that you can plot it going down.'

Forgot to answer this. Yes, I have documented these events in CBT forms i.e. how did I react, how would I have reacted differently. I have been doing them on and off for months, admittedly not every day. Do you think it would help if I documented everything? I am willing to do whatever it takes. I'm just not sure about counselling anymore as I don't seem to be able to get anywhere with it.

@AnotherEmma Yeah, this is why I decided not to continue. Thing is, she was recommended to me.

You need a psychotherapist to get to the bottom of this stuff. Its like having sunburn under your top. Someone touches you and you let out a yelp. It seems an over reaction but they don't see the sunburn. Counselling takes time. And even when they annoy you thats something you can bring up as that may be an insight into some pain.
Trainee counsellors ( not ones just starting) sometimes don't charge as need to put in hours first. It is worth investigating.
I have found counselling so helpful in my own life but there were times l hated the guy and left there swearing in my head l wasn't coming back. Called him all sort of names to myself in the car. But he had said to me at first that the biggest mistake people make is not sticking with it when the going got tough. So l was determined to keep going.
I hope you can find that help.

Sorry OP, my mum was like you and we have no relationship now, because I can't stand her. She has no self control at all.

There are lots of well meaning posts here from fellow mums who don't want you to feel bad, but this stuff will have already affected your children and will continue to do so. There's just no way you're not having an impact.

I'm not saying this to be mean or kick you, I just wanted to emphasise that this isn't something you should just let slide. You CAN work on this.

You had one bad therapist, well, there are better ones - you wouldn't dismiss all friends forever because you didn't click with one person would you? Your brother's issues are his, not yours, and you have no idea how really hard he's working at it - you have different reasons to push and do better from him. If you can't do that, you could consider therapy for your family as a whole.

Alternatively you could focus on talking just about anger management techniques for now, and try to learn the kind of self-control that doesn't come innately when you've grown up the way you did. (Deep breaths, counting in your head, gritting your teeth, as well as things like exercise.)

Your daughter's note is heartbreaking, I'm so cross that a previous poster just dismissed her attempt to talk to you. Talk to them, learn how to talk to them, apologise and listen and work out how to communicate better ("how to talk so kids listen" maybe?)

Finally and then I'll shut up, but you've talked about anxiety, hypersensitivity, and anger caused by sounds, so another thing that might be worth investigating is high-functioning autism or ADHD?

I mean, those things can be random or caused by abusive childhoods, but autism is just so under-diagnosed in women that I try to mention it to others when I notice some key words.

Others here have excellent advice for you on your issues from the past.

Just a simple suggestion - why not focus on having fun with your kids - pillow fights, singing together on the way to school, dancing around the kitchen to music, playing hide and seek with all the lights out and a torch. Change the tempo, the vibe and get in touch with your (happy) inner child. Let go of needing to control everything.

Hi OP! I haven't read through everyone's responses, but I agree with those who've said that it's amazing that you recognize these things in yourself and want to change them. That's the first step and one that many people never get to!

I know you mentioned that you don't want to take medication, but I honestly think you should consider it. I've taken a prescription medication for anxiety for 12 years now, and it's been extremely helpful. I can't tell you how many people I know who are on medicine for anxiety. It's very common. Not optimal, I know, but everyone needs a little help w/ something. There's no shame in it. :)

@Ardant I totally understand what you are saying and I know that you are not trying to kick me. I have often (and VERY often) wondered if I am autistic. I have masses of social anxiety as well. I used to be able to hold conversations with people, but I am finding it more and more difficult these days. I am often dumbstruck when I talk to other parents. I know what I want to say in my head, but it all comes out wrong.

Going back to my kids, I have a copy of 'how to talk so your kids will listen' and have tried to listen more, rather than offering advice and comments. It's hard work, but I am trying.

A recommendation doesn’t necessary mean it’s the right counsellor for you. Also agree with june. Yes you have to find the right person to work with but you also have to keep going when it gets hard.

@Bouledeneige Thanks for your post. I play a lot with my kids - we spend a lot of time together doing creative stuff, watching movies together, Play Doh, reading, hide and seek etc. I guess it's just that when I can't deal with them, I turn into a miserable mummy. I do like your suggestions though. I think I need to do all of this a lot more and not take things so seriously.

@junebirthdaygirl Some really great advice, thank you.

@JCS39 Thank for the info. What anxiety medication are you on? I would love to know more about what it does. Does it chill you out or stop you from obsessing about things?

@hellomellow, I take Lexapro. It helps with the physical affects of anxiety (heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, etc), but one of my symptoms is obsessive thoughts. If something's bothering me, I can't stop thinking about it. The medicine definitely helps with that, although it doesn't take it away completely in very stressful situations.

I started having panic attacks in 2006, and that's what got me on the medication originally.