I am too controlling. What the f*ck is wrong with me?

[hellomellow]

Please, someone shoot me.

I'm from a fairly abusive childhood - physically and emotionally - but I thought I was in a really good place when I had my children. I promised myself I would never harm them in the same way my parents did to me.

Fast forward some years and I have two kids - 4 and 7. They are the best thing that has happened to me, but I am sooooo controlling and anxious around them all the time. Nagging them about every bloody thing.

Take for example, walking to school today. I nagged them several times over walking too close to the road, not looking both ways when we cross, walking too close to the small river which runs along the pathway to their school. The list is endless.

Yesterday evening, my eldest opened the front door to chat to one of our neighbours. She didn't ask, she just went ahead and did it. I lost my temper with her and out from my mouth came all the put downs and emotional crap, which made her really sad. My neighbour said it wasn't a problem because she was with her, but the point was that she shouldn't be going outside without me knowing.

I just don't handle parenting very well. I am far too controlling (at least I think I am) and whenever the kids are around me, I feel like a bag of nerves. My daughter wrote a note and said she gets really sad when I shout at her.

I know there are perfect parenting techniques. The list of parenting books I have is endless. I have had counselling before and try to use CBT whenever I can, but I feel hopeless. I feel like my past is too strong and it oozes out of me whenever I am around my kids. It's like I love them, but I hate the things they do (i.e. shout too much, squirm around and can't keep still, ignore me when I ask them to do stuff, fight with each other, demand stuff from me, break things, spill things).

I try various parenting techniques - reward charts, talking to them differently (I have a copy of How to Talk So Kids will Listen), trying to find time for myself so that I am not to uptight etc etc. We don't have childcare, but my sister has them occasionally for a few hours every few months.

They are not bad kids - they do what all kids typically do - but I have set such high standards for me and them and I'm just killing myself and their little spirits.

I am at the end where I simply cannot focus. I am so serious all the time and I don't recognise the person I've become.

The doctors are useless and always want to pump me with drugs for anxiety, when I know it's a brain lobotomy that I need.

Sorry, I hadn't read the rest of the post when I added mine earlier. I do take what people are saying about parenting books, but I really feel like this one was something different, at least for me. Most parenting books will tell you what to do or what not to do and that's where the guilt comes from because if it doesn't work like the book says, or you can't manage to stick to the strategy (especially if you agree with it) or your children don't react in the expected way, then it causes these thoughts like I can't get anything right. But this isn't so much a parenting strategy book (I don't think it contains any strategies at all) so much as it is a book about working out why you react to certain things in the way that you do, whether you can unpick that or not, and it helps you to change your thoughts about the behaviour, which in turn helps you react to it more calmly.

But I can appreciate if you're totally read out and don't want to look at another book. And if proper therapy is an option, this would probably work better than a book - but in case it's not or if you wanted to do both side by side.

(When your kids push your buttons, Bonnie Harris - save you scrolling back!)

If you're going to do therapy you probably want a psychologist rather than counselling - likely to offer more approaches to help