3+ year age gap - is it too big??

[catlike1979]

DS is 2.2 years and we’ve always planned 2 DCs. A year ago we discussing starting trying for second baby but I just didn’t feel ready; I had PND and also wanted to be able to spend more time with just DS before contemplating another baby.

We started trying in January when DS had just turned 2. Unfortunately I had a mmc a couple of weeks ago and so now we are back to square one. Even if I get pregnant very quickly, the age gap will now be 3 years, and likely 3.5 years if it takes us a few months or more to conceive.

I’ve gone from being ambivalent about a second baby to suddenly being obsessed that the age gap is too big. Even when we’re out I’m looking at other families with children and trying to work out their age gap! They ALL seem to be about 2 years apart and I’m getting more and more upset about why we’ve left it so long and how the age gap is just too big. I know people commonly have much bigger age gaps than 3 years, but I’m obsessed about how the children will be at different stages, won’t play well together, later in life one will be a teenager who won’t want to be around his much younger kid sibling...I’m being so negative about it! The 2 year gap now just seems perfect; I know it’s very tough in the beginning but then surely it pays dividends long term with 2 DCs that are at more similar stages and thus are more likely to play together.

Have I got it all wrong? Can anyone share their experiences with their age gaps? I’m feeling so regretful and sad 😔

I have a 17 year age gap. It's fine! There are pros and cons for any age gap.

Saying that, I've read that 3 years is a good bet, if you could pick.

It's amazing! 3 years 8 months between mine girl/boy and they are now 6 and 2 and lovely together! She's been an amazing help with him and her adores her! It wasn't my choice to have this gap I wanted much smaller but it took me almost 2 years to conceive him! I'm so glad it worked out this way though!

Very similar to you, we didn't feel ready to try for no.2 until DD was just over 2. I got pregnant straight away but then MC. It took 9 months to get pregnant again and DS was born when DD was 3.8. In all honesty it's been great. No jealousy so far, 7 months in, and she adores him.

Practically it's been easy as DD has her 30 hours at nursery and will be off to school as my mat leave ends later this year. We're really happy how it's turned out.

my experience fwiw..

3years and 1 month between ds1 and dd, he adored the bones of her, was helpful, understanding that babies need attention and was the perfect big brother.

2years and 1 month between dd and ds2 ...she took it personally! Ds1 was not othered at the extra baby but dearie me, dd was not impressed. She was just too little to be empathetic and understanding....it was lucky that ds2 was a super good baby.

3y 5m between my two, and I actually think it would have been easier if we'd have waited another year til she was in reception not just nursery! You get to have more individual time with the baby that way.

There's 3 years between me and my brother too.

Just to add, I think when you have a MC your hormones are all over the place and you do become obsessed with being pregnant again as soon as possible. The age gap is what it is, every family is different and there are pros and cons to every gap

Hey OP. I had this- mmc when my DC1 was about to turn two- then another when he was 2.9 We waited four months before trying again after the first one and it took four months to conceive. We lost that baby too. Took months to get my body back on track to get pregnant, a lot of hospital visits. Ended up pregnant when he turned 3 and have a 3.9 age gap. It’s been great actually but I was VERY obsessed with age gaps. My recommendation would be don’t wait- keep trying all the time. Otherwise time really does escape you. Good luck sending lots of positivity

I’m sorry for your loss Catlike
I think 3-3 1/2 years is a good gap and what I will be shooting for if we’re lucky enough to have a second child.

Don’t beat yourself up, if you’d gone for a 2 year gap with PND and not really feeling ready things might have been very difficult!

I have just over four years between my boys. It’s brilliant. Like you I was worried about the age gap but they’re amazing together. Adore each other and play together more and more. Right now they have made a den and are hanging out hiding from monsters (me and DH) and laughing like loons.

I think it helped that DS1 had his own life and routine when DS2 was born - Nursery, his own friends, etc. And he was old enough to rationalise the changes to his life as well.

I’m pregnant now and going to have just over 3yr age gap. Obviously I don’t know how it’s going to all turn out but I believe it will be great. Means the older child is past the jealous terrible 2 stage, is probably potty trained and a little more independent. Can negotiate easier with them and they understand more if you have to feed the baby etc. Another big plus for me was my first child will get the 15 preschool hours so means I’ll have some solo time to bond with the baby 👍

Where are you looking? In my group of friends, these are the children’s ages.

9, 5, nearly 1
10, 8, 5
11, 6
10, 7
11, 6
6, 6, 1
11
8, 4
12, 6
6, 3

Two to six year age gaps being absolutely the norm.

Hey OP, don't worry, by all accounts anything less can be tricky.

So I would like to wait 3 years between Ds and potential baby #3. But if I do I'll be north of 40 and would be unlikely to realistically achieve my dream of having 4.

If life had been different if have started reproducing at 28 and left 3 years in between each one. The two gear age gap between DD and DS has been a bit - um - "challenging".

Take what I'm saying in good faith when I day you are worrying over nothing x

Personally I don’t believe there is a perfect age gap. I agree that children close in age are great but plenty of us have all sorts of age gaps. There is over 4 years between my two. I actually quite liked it. DS was past the toddler stage and DD was born a few weeks before DS was due to start school. We had a few weeks of the summer holiday with no rushing with school runs but when he started school I had plenty of one to one time with DD. They love each other dearly.

There is 15 years between myself and my youngest sister. She’s a young aunty and my DC love her. There is 19 years between my partner and his youngest sister!

I have a 4 year gap. Ideally it would have been two but I also had PND and was nowhere near ready to conceive when my eldest was a year old. I'd only just got the help I needed. So I waited. Best decision ever because I was in such a happy place and that first year with my second (and time off with my first) was the happiest of my life. A really healing experience. And it was so easy. My eldest looked after herself really and helped with the baby and fetching nappies etc, no jealousy or regression or double nappies to deal with.

I have a 3y 9m gap and a 2y 8m gap. Both fine. The biggest gap was much easier when dealing with a newborn. They all play together. The oldest 2 play football and Xbox very happily (7 and 11). The youngest 2 (7 and 5) play nicely too and the youngest really looks up to the oldest and orders him to get her things!

I have a 4 year gap and I really like it . Eldest was potty trained and quite self sufficient which made it easier when I was breastfeeding youngest . Eldest started school when youngest was 3 months so got one on one time with youngest . Now they are nearly 7 and 2 and play nicely together (most the time) . Only negative is youngest wants to do everything her big sister does and she can’t always .

I had a late miscarriage before so should have been 3 1/2 years between them but has all worked out well in the end .

Age gaps are great. My youngest is 1.5 and my other girls are 6,7,8,9. They help so much. I love it.

Very similar scenario here op - we planned for a 2.5ish age gap but sadly m/c once which meant we ended up with a 3.5 age gap. It works fine. Dd and ds (now 12 and 9) are close and love each other very much (though have the classic sibling bicker-fests too of course!). They're currently curled up watching a film together. It's a bigger gap than we originally envisaged but you can't plan these things and I have no regrets at all.

There will be almost exactly 3.5 years between DD and dc2 due in October. I wanted a smaller gap but it took a long time to conceive. At the moment she is so used to being top dog I'm not sure how she's going to react to a younger sibling, but honestly that would have happened at any age.

I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect age gap. I have friends with kids with an 11 month gap and friends with an 11year gap. Each has its issues.

I have a 5 year gap (almost exactly, birthdays are a week apart!) and it’s great. My oldest is in school, independent enough to play by herself or get herself a snack when I’m stuck somewhere feeding ds. She understood the change that was going to happen and has been incredibly helpful. We planned for a 4 year gap, but I also had a mmc before I got pregnant with my ds, which stretched it out a bit. Honestly though I’m so grateful for this gap and I think it would have been much harder had I had then closer together. It’s actually been a relatively easy transition and I think that’s partly why, so I wouldn’t worry. You have plenty of time still!

I remember feeling the same.
LO was 2.5 when we started ttc #2. Had a very early mc and took another 12 months to get pg again.
I remember being really upset for a little while and doubted if we should have another as we are nearly (but not quite) a bit old at 38 and 47.
LO is nearly 4 now and I'm 13 weeks.
Couldn't be happier (apart from the odd niggle )

My twins are 5 months and my son is nearly 7.. Its a lovely gap because he is old enough to understand and also get involved a little.. Like some one else said all gaps have pros and cons..

I have a 3 year age gap between my DDs (now 14 and 11) and it's been fab. It wasn't my original choice, but I would choose it again.

My DDs are the best of friends. They're still close enough in age to have shared hobbies / interests / play together. Only last night, they chose to have a sleepover in DD1s room.

But, with 3 years between them, we've avoided the worst of the sibling rivalry. DD2 doesn't compare herself to DD1, because they're far enough apart in age to recognise the differences between them.

Of course, they fight too but they genuinely are good friends. DD2 has a friend who is always calling for her to come out to play. And DD sometimes will, but she'll never call for the friend, because her default is to play with her sister.

When they were little, I also felt that DD1 had a decent shot of being the baby, before she had to move into the big sister role. Also, you're only paying out for one set of childcare at any one time.

But my two have always played together. That's not to say yours will, but I think that's more to do with personality rather than age.

FWIW, the worst siblings I've met for not getting on were born a year apart. They seriously fought, tore each other's hair and the full shebang. Bless, the mother had them close together so they'd be close. I've never seen siblings hate each other more. So, it's no guarantee- personality and gender are more important factors.

Your situation sounds really similar to mine. I had DS1 when I was 36, we waited 2.5 years to try for number 2, partly due to financial reasons of then getting funding for DS1 at nursery when he was 3. got pregnant straight away, but had an early mc. It then took us 9 months to get pregnant again (but mainly because DH works away a lot and was away most of the relevant dates each month!). DS2 was born 5 weeks ago, I was 40 in jan, and DS1 turned 4 last weekend. It is a slightly bigger age gap than I'd like but actually it's great so far... DS1 is a lot more independent and understands which makes it easier than a lot of my friends had to deal with with smaller age gaps. Everything like potty training etc is done, he loves helping so will go and get nappies, wipes etc, and he is so excited about his little brother.

Obviously I only have a few weeks experience but I think there are lots of positives and negatives whatever gap you have, and with a bigger gap there are lots of positives.