3+ year age gap - is it too big??

[catlike1979]

DS is 2.2 years and we’ve always planned 2 DCs. A year ago we discussing starting trying for second baby but I just didn’t feel ready; I had PND and also wanted to be able to spend more time with just DS before contemplating another baby.

We started trying in January when DS had just turned 2. Unfortunately I had a mmc a couple of weeks ago and so now we are back to square one. Even if I get pregnant very quickly, the age gap will now be 3 years, and likely 3.5 years if it takes us a few months or more to conceive.

I’ve gone from being ambivalent about a second baby to suddenly being obsessed that the age gap is too big. Even when we’re out I’m looking at other families with children and trying to work out their age gap! They ALL seem to be about 2 years apart and I’m getting more and more upset about why we’ve left it so long and how the age gap is just too big. I know people commonly have much bigger age gaps than 3 years, but I’m obsessed about how the children will be at different stages, won’t play well together, later in life one will be a teenager who won’t want to be around his much younger kid sibling...I’m being so negative about it! The 2 year gap now just seems perfect; I know it’s very tough in the beginning but then surely it pays dividends long term with 2 DCs that are at more similar stages and thus are more likely to play together.

Have I got it all wrong? Can anyone share their experiences with their age gaps? I’m feeling so regretful and sad 😔

My daughter was a month away from 3 when baby arrived. She took him in her stride and still adores him now. She was able to play a bit more independently and be a helper which was fab fpr us. Know plenty of people with bigger gaps than 3 years so please dpn't worry.

Mine are 8, 4 and 9 weeks. It is great. The older two play together more than you would think and because they are more independent they can get things for themselves so I can relax more with the baby. They can also help each other and the younger ones are motivated to do things their older sibling can.

The only issue we have is with TV and finding things the older 2 both want to watch.

Focus on the positives.

I have two boys 3y3m apart. Obviously have no experience with other age gaps but I think is lovely as DS1 is old enough to understand how to be a big brother.

I thought same as you OP - all my friends with 2 dc have a 2-year gap. I wanted 2.5 ish year gap but suffered secondary infertility. Luckily science intervened so have a 3.2 gap. I think it's easier in lots of ways, but good God my dc1 is an incredibly difficult threenager - flies off the handle at everything and literally everything is a battle. I think a large part of it is reaction to baby arriving (only a few weeks ago) - I'm optimistic things will improve!

There's 13 years between DSS2 and DS (and 19 years between DSS1 and DS). All lived at home until DS was 6, and DSS2 went to uni. They get on well enough, were great helps when DS was a baby and always keen to feed him, change him or babysit. Now DS is nearly 18 and was an usher at his brother's wedding. It's nice for DS to have an older role model.

My sister is 10 years younger than me. DH is the middle one of 7, the oldest was 12 years older than him, the youngest 9 years younger.

3 1/2 year old age gap worked beautifully for us - 10 years later dds are super close.

Enjoyed having special time with both children. Seriously wouldn’t worry!

We had a 15 month age gap, followed by a 4 year age gap. Both are fine. My 9 year old and 5 year old are incredibly close.

You couldn't have paid me to have a two year gap! The stress of meeting everyone's needs, the sibling jealousy, the lack of sleep, double buggies, two in nappies. It looks hard!

So nice to read all these positive stories of bigger age gaps! I have a 4.5 yo DD and an 8mo DS. It’s lovely, for many of the reasons mentioned above.

Dd2 was born 5 days before dd1’s 4th birthday. They’ve now just turned 1 and 5 and it has been a little difficult for us but that’s more to do with dd1’s personality than anything else.

We purposefully chose this gap as we couldn’t afford two in childcare.

Dd1 has been helpful getting wipes, drinks, food for the baby but she can also be quite rough with her sister and the jealousy is only coming out now dd2 is more mobile and wanting to join in more. I’m looking forward to when dd2 is not quite so little and can stand her ground against her sister!

Oh I meant to add, it’s been lovely having that one to one time with dd2 while I was still on maternity and dd1 was at nursery and then school. We watched a lot of box sets which I wouldn’t have been able to do with a smaller age gap!

Not something you think about when your babies are small, but definitely do when they're teens...

Another advantage of a three year gap is that they won't be doing exams at the same time. I couldn't imagine trying to support two sets of children going through their exams at the same time. Thankfully, when DD1 is doing her GCSEs, DD2 will only be in year 7, and by the time DD1 is in year 13, DD2 will still only be in year 10... so we can focus getting DD1 through GCSEs/ A Levels before we really have to focus on DD2. Already, I'm finding supporting them stressful enough, I couldn't imagine having both children doing exams at the same time.

3 year gap here between my eldest 2 boys. Lovely gap, eldest quite self sufficient and was in preschool. I’m about to have a 2.5 year gap and he seems so little. I really don’t think he’ll take to it as well as his brother! Wish I’d of waited 6 more months!

3 year age gap between my DDs, 3.5 and 6.5, they get on really well and play together all the time. Obviously they do fight as well but overall they at each great company for each other. We have a third now and he is also 3 years younger than DD2 and slotted right in.

There is no perfect. Every family is different. I'm sorry you have had a tough time and I can imagine it's hard not to obsess. There is four years between me and my sister and me and my brother and we are so close (I'm the middle). I adore them both and always have. Think of positives here - a three year or more age gap means funded nursery place/ school etc and your eldest will be more self sufficient.

21 months between mine but eldest is in reception now and a lot of the school mums are on mat leave with no2 now which means a gap of
4.5-5 years. Is working well for them and it means they have time alone with no 2 while eldest is at school.

Sorry about your los- fingers crossed for a bfp soon.

Thank you all so much for these lovely replies, I do feel a lot better reading all of your positive responses. I can definitely see how the early days are easier, having a newborn with a 3 year old compared to a newborn with a 2 year old or younger. For those of you with a 3 year or more age gap with children who are a bit older, ie in their teens, do they still play/get on well together or are you struggling with very different interests? I can see how a 3 and a 6 year old would play well, but what about a 12 and 15 year old....does the gap "widen" as they get older?

There are 3 years 3 months between mine and they get along very well at the moment. My eldest is nearly 5 and youngest 18 months

"well, but what about a 12 and 15 year old....does the gap "widen" as they get older?"

I have an 11 and 14 year old and I have found the gap has narrowed. Both DDs like to go to trampoline parks, play on their swegways, trampoline, do each other's hair and make up. As I said upthread, this week they chose to have a sleepover together (as they do most school holidays).

The downside is that it makes the younger one grow up a lot more, so when DD1 was 11 she was still going to soft play and I wouldn't have dreamed of her wearing makeup or nail polish... but DD2 loves having makeovers with her big sister (just shimmer highlighter, lipgloss and mascara), sleepovers and other older stuff that DD1 didn't do at that age. But they have very similar interests now, so you hardly notice the age gap.

I have a 4.5 year age gap between my sons and love it. They are so close play together (currently out in the garden playing and have been playing for most of the afternoon). I would like another child and would happily have that gap again but I am older so realistically the gap will be less between my 2nd and 3rd child. The gap will mean your oldest will be in nursery giving you one to one time with your youngest plus time to rest possibly while pregnant.

I have 3 years between DC1 & 2 and found it perfect. Easy at the start as never had two in nappies and DC1 could articulate his needs clearly so not the stress of 2 babies/baby & young toddler but they rapidly became friends and are close enough in age to play and get on even now at 13 & 10. DC2 & 3 are 4.5 years apart and it is not as ideal but still manageable and close enough for them to play and chat now DC3 is at school especially.

4.5years between my DCs, didn't intend the gap to be that big but it took a while to concieve dc2.
Good thing is that DD loved helping with her DB.
She started full time school so I got one on one time with ds like I had with DD.
They do play together but DD can be very bossy. But that could happen with any age gap.
Now they are older sometimes DD doesn't want to do an activity that ds does and vice versa. Plus DD is tall for her age so while she doesn't mind a trip to the park which ds loves there isn't a lot to keep her entertained.

@catlike1979 there’s 3.5 years between my DH and his DB and they are the absolute best of friends and have been since their early twenties.

Three years plus is a brilliant age gap! The older one will be toilet trained by the time the baby arrives (thought of two in nappies is too much for a lazy arse like me) and you can reason better with an older child about why you need to do X, Y, Z for the baby. And they will be eligible for free childcare hours, meaning you can farm them out for a bit and only have to deal with the baby. It's just win, win, win all round.

I personally don't know how anyone can stomach a