Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

How do I trust DH with baby again?

97 replies

Tentoes21 · 26/03/2018 09:26

Hello all, new posting here - nice to meet you!

I’m hoping for some help from people who can relate...

My LO is 4 months and she can’t yet sit up by herself.
My DH was playing with her recently and reckoned she COULD sit up, so let go of her. She fell backwards and hit her head, it was awful. she didn’t cry for more than a few seconds afterwards.

I read up about it and she doesn’t have any signs of a bad head injury, she’s fine - but I’m so angry at my DH for being so foolish. He apologised but it doesn’t make any difference to me - how can I ever feel like I can leave her with him again??

Just wanted to know if any of you have had a similar situation and how you managed to move forward from it?

I’m not sure whether I should just let it go or whether I should take it really seriously and do something (am not sure what I’d do tho)

Thanks in advance all Smile

OP posts:
Ketzele · 26/03/2018 10:23

Oh love, it's your precious baby and we all understand your reaction. But I promise you, there is not a parent alive who hasn't nearly killed their baby at least once, and soon it will be your turn! Understand too that there isn't one right way - your dh's style is different to yours but, you know, children love rough and tumble too.

There are some safety measures that are really important: sterilising bottles in the first six months, car seats, sun cream when it's hot etc. If the pair of you are in agreement about these, then your main role should be supporting each other, not policing each other.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 26/03/2018 10:28

Honestly I realise it's horrible to see your child get hurt but it was an accident and you need to give your DH a break he is new to parenting and made a mistake.

I'm a qualified and very experienced nanny but my son fell off the sofa 3 times on my watch and down the front steps of our house, all accidents took a second of me looking away, he is 3 next week and seems to be in one piece Wink

CaMePlaitPas · 26/03/2018 10:30

I was walking down marble stairs in flip flops with baby in my arms - she wasn't even two months old. I slipped and fell and in the process let her go - I will never forget the sound, it was like dropping an egg on the floor. I was hysterical - I was her Mum! How could I have hurt her? I spoke to the doctor and many nurses in the hospital who had to calm me down first who all said, these things happen, we try our best to avoid accidents but sometimes they're unavoidable. Unlike an egg, she was absolutely fine and has taken a fair few tumbles since, on both our watches, and now it seems she's having accidents herself! Yesterday she was cruising around with a silicone toothbrush in her mouth lost her footing and ended up making her gums bleed. Don't be so hard on your husband, just like you he's doing his best.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Blushlove · 26/03/2018 10:34

Please be nice and don't make him feel worse that what he's probably already feeling. Yes it's scary the first time they have an accident but they honestly do bounce back at this age! Wait until they're 1 and learning that they can lie back by themselves and just fling themselves without a seconds warning!

I turned my back for a second to grab a muslin when ds was a baby and as I turned back he was half way to the floor rolling off the sofa, yes I knew he was starting to roll but I didn't anticipate how quick he could do it - he cried for a few seconds and was fine, I told DP and he went absolutely mental, it was awful and I felt even more like the worlds worst parent.

Fast forward and there have been many more bumps and bruises, some on DP's watch and I now have to fight myself not to play tit for tat and go off on one just to show him how awful it is when in reality accidents happen.

Remember that just because he parents in a different way it doesn't necessarily mean you're a better parent or your way is more effective, it is just different. Can you imagine how awful it would feel for him to question whether you can be left on your own with your child again when an accident happens when you're there!

Aria2015 · 26/03/2018 10:35

These things do happen. You too will probably make errors in judgement and accidentally hurt your lo. Both me and dh have - the key thing is that both of us never intended to cause our lo harm. We obviously felt awful when we did so we always try and reassure and support the other rather than blame. It doesn't sound like your dh intended to harm your dd and he obviously feels bad and I'm sure it's a lesson learnt. So try and cut your dh some slack, trust me, that's what you'll want if you ever accidentally hurt your lo.

Roomba · 26/03/2018 10:36

We all have daft minor accidents with our DC when we should have known better/been more careful. What would be important to me here is his attitude about the accident.

If he accepted it was a silly thing to do, was contrite and said he wouldn't be doing that again - no issue for me. If he told me I was overreacting, he did nothing wrong, I was far too overprotective, got angry with me for pointing the error out, etc etc I would worry a lot more about him caring for a baby in future.

rocketgirl22 · 26/03/2018 10:38

Assuming he is a usually kind and careful parent? And loves you both and is not abusive then clearly this is just one of those things that we all go through and will laugh about for years to come.

Do you remember when shared moments....

My dh left our newborn in mother care. She was 4 days old. I rest my case.

childmindingmumof3 · 26/03/2018 10:40

Rough and tumble is a stupid approach with a 4 months old!

Does he accept he made a mistake?
If he was mortified she was hurt and he has realised he needs to be more careful /ready to catch her/put cushions around her then fine. He's an inexperienced parent and is learning.

If he thinks what he did is fine and she will learn then I would have a big problem.

FreshStartToday · 26/03/2018 10:41

Rocketgirl Shock How long before he remembered??

Mishappening · 26/03/2018 10:43

I remember DC1 rolling off the bed and landing with a massive thud - she then held her breath for what seemed like for ever before letting out a massive bellow! Phew!

Roomba · 26/03/2018 10:47

small bites' which has been our version of grace before dinner since the kids were little because they all crammed the universe in their mouths and would choke

I may take up this ritual, after watching my 12.5yo DS cram an entire half of an enormous jacket potato into his mouth in one go the other day! Let's just say that it did not end well - especially as it was just out of the oven so extremely hot! Any other tips for stopping my kids eating like pigs gratefully accepted.

pastabest · 26/03/2018 10:50

My dd is accident prone and we are probably a bit negligent so DP and I have agreed not to get cross at each other or blame each other for silly stuff like this unless one of us does something really really stupid and dangerous.

DD fell off the sofa at 10 weeks old. I was sat next to her at the time.
I dropped a packet of frozen sausages on her head at around 4 months old when she was in the sling.
She fell off the bed at 5 months old.
DP fell down the stairs with her at 6 months old.
She got bitten by a horse at 7 months old
She threw herself down four steps at 11 months old
She got her first black eye just in time for her first birthday by running into a window sill.

They are just the memorable highlights. No hospital admissions, but we did go to the doctors about the horse bite to get some cream for it.

Your DD will fall over and bang her head A LOT over the next few months. You have done extremely well not to have anything like this happen so far, as you can see from this thread there isn't a single person out there who hasn't had something similar happen to them.

gamerchick · 26/03/2018 10:51

I remember a family member saying to me "wait until your baby rolls off the bed for the first time". I arrogantly thought "my baby will not be rolling off the bed". Until she did. At that same family member's house!

Yep and you’ll probably learn that one as well OP Grin

s. It just doesn't go over well with a 58 year old man looking down at pureed steak on his plate

I laughed far longer than I should have at that Grin

Cath2907 · 26/03/2018 10:52

When DD was a tiny baby I was in soft play with my sister and niece. DD was in sling and I leaned over and she fell out. I was so shocked and horrified I grabbed her and stuffed her straight back in. It was only a few minutes later that I realised what had happened properly and was able to check her over for damage.
I also tried to catch her once when I saw her start to fall and instead pushed her over, smacked her head on a door frame whilst carrying her through the door, fell down the stairs whilst carrying her and burned her hand with a hot frying pan.
None of these things were on purpose and she recovered and doesn't hold a grudge (although she reminds me about the pan and the stairs pretty often).

Your hubby made a mistake, your baby wasn't hurt. You need to take a deep breath and just move on.

Loore · 26/03/2018 10:55

Total overreaction OP. When DS was a baby (younger than your DC) I accidentally dropped a book fair on his head when out one day. I've done worse than your DH and my two seemed to have survived it. Calm down.

DarkDarkNight · 26/03/2018 10:57

Oh give him a break, he must feel awful as it it. It wasn't done maliciously.

I once dropped my phone on my baby while I was taking a picture. I felt awful about it, I didn't need anybody else to point out how stupid I was. Ditto when I fell downstairs while carrying him.

There'll be more bumps on the head. My son started throwing himself backwards in a temper at around a year old and I can still hear the sickening thumps.

rach01pink · 26/03/2018 11:02

I feel for you. My partner and I have a totally different approach... He says he goes on instinct and he knows his babies and what they need... I on the other hand read every single bit of literature on raising kids and adhere to advice regarding feeding and safe sleeping etc etc. I am a worrier and he is not. Yesterday I snapped at my partner as I believed the bath water he was putting the twins into was too hot.. He said it wasn't... I have to try really hard to let him parent how he wants to whilst secretly cringing and panicking on the inside...

RidingWindhorses · 26/03/2018 11:02

Rough and tumble is a stupid approach with a 4 months old!

Quite. Babies will have accidents even when you're being ultra careful. Having a policy of not being careful will inevitably involve more accidents.

Picklesandpies · 26/03/2018 11:05

My friend's saying (and she is another herself and a manager of a nursery) is that all children fall off the bed and out of the back door before they are two. Trying not to worry - I'm sure your husband will get to grips with things as you go along. It's a learning curve for all parents.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/03/2018 11:07

A rare AIBU

OP: AIBU
MN: yes you are a bit
OP: OK, thanks for the feedback, I'll relax a bit

Is it a blue moon? Grin

OP it's so hard isn't it with your first, to know what's OK and within acceptable limits and what isn't. But what happened was fine. She'll topple over like that about eleventy billion more times, even when she can sit

AnnieAnoniMouser · 26/03/2018 11:10

HANG ON

This wasn't an accident.

It was done deliberately. She’s four months old and cannot sit up. He decided that she could if she wanted to/tried harder, so her let her go and didn’t even have the fucking sense to have his hands behind her to catch her if she couldn’t. That’s not an accident, that’s fucking stupidity, she a BABY not a bloody toy.

whatisausername · 26/03/2018 11:12

He made a mistake, get over it

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/03/2018 11:17

I accidentally dropped a book fair on his head
It wasn't the London Book Fair, was it Loore? Only that's quite big and might do some damage..

MyMarmitePurrs · 26/03/2018 11:27

My DD was so clumsy when little even nursery were pleased when I arrived to see her trip over her own feet and skid on her forehead across the car park !! The lump on her head is still visible and she's 16 now - and still walks into the same wall in the hallway that;s been there for 12 years !!! Too busy looking at her flaming phone !!!!

childmindingmumof3 · 26/03/2018 12:05

I agree with Annie that this isn't quite the same as clumsiness or a moment's inattention. It's either totally stupidity or a weird attitude (rough and tumble for a 4 month old?) - it depends on the dad's reaction and if he has learnt from this as to whether he can be trusted in the future.