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Parenting

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Original poster

How do I trust DH with baby again?

97 replies

Tentoes21 · 26/03/2018 09:26

Hello all, new posting here - nice to meet you!

I’m hoping for some help from people who can relate...

My LO is 4 months and she can’t yet sit up by herself.
My DH was playing with her recently and reckoned she COULD sit up, so let go of her. She fell backwards and hit her head, it was awful. she didn’t cry for more than a few seconds afterwards.

I read up about it and she doesn’t have any signs of a bad head injury, she’s fine - but I’m so angry at my DH for being so foolish. He apologised but it doesn’t make any difference to me - how can I ever feel like I can leave her with him again??

Just wanted to know if any of you have had a similar situation and how you managed to move forward from it?

I’m not sure whether I should just let it go or whether I should take it really seriously and do something (am not sure what I’d do tho)

Thanks in advance all

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 26/03/2018 10:00

When your child falls down the stairs on your watch etc etc then come back and ask the question again.

Unless this is a pattern of behaviour then I wouldn’t be worried.

Mishappening · 26/03/2018 10:01

Just one other thing.........you are asking how YOU might trust OH with baby again, as if it is your baby only. Maybe he does not trust you with the child!

BertieBotts · 26/03/2018 10:01

Oh dear, I am sure I did much worse! I remember letting DS launch himself off the sofa right into a metal and glass table because I had read some bollocks book which reckoned babies had an "innate grasp of safety" and I think I walked him into a door frame a couple of times too

This is really no big deal and quite a normal new-parent mistake to make. You do need to forgive him because next time it could be you who makes the mistake and you'd want him to forgive you.

Interested in this thread?

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GinIsIn · 26/03/2018 10:01

You really need to calm down. Babies get knocks and bumps all the time. Your baby WILL get injured on your watch, from a decision that you make too. I bet you’d be crushed if your DH turned around and said you shouldn’t be trusted with the baby on your watch.

This level of drama is a bit excessive - are you finding things ok, generally? Once they start crawling, pulling up to stand, trying to walk, they are constantly covered in bruises so you need to become a bit more resilient.

FrozenMargarita17 · 26/03/2018 10:02

Hi OP. Don't worry, and just let it go. We all make mistakes like that - a couple of weeks ago my baby rolled off the bed while I was getting her ready for her bath. Things like this will happen. It doesn't mean you can't trust your DH. I'm sure he feels terrible.

There will be loads of times that your baby will hit her head or hurt herself somehow (my baby is a pro at smacking herself in the face with a toy!).

Hope all is ok x

TheVanguardSix · 26/03/2018 10:04

Time. And your own mistake will help you to trust him (it's inevitable. You will have your own moment with your little baby. Yes, it happens).

I could have divorced DH for allowing DC2 to roll off the bed. Then DC3 came along and he rolled off the bed in my wathc. He also rolled down cement stairs of a train station- strapped into his pram- on MY watch. That was a horrific incident for which I've actually needed therapy because he could have a) died or b) had a traumatic brain injury. Neither case happened and I still have anxiety attacks in bed at night when I think about it.
What broke my heart was how incredibly lovely DH was about the fact that our child could have died in my care. I remember being with the paramedics and they had me ring him and I couldn't speak. No words would come out. I couldn't even hold my screaming child. I was in absolute shock. DH, to this day, has never held it against me. I made a poor error of judgment. I dropped something on the landing, enabled the pram's brakes (it was a borrowed pram from a friend because ours had broken and this was the first and only time I'd used it). The brakes no longer worked and I didn't know this. I found out in the most devastating way.

ANYWAY, DH's utter kindness was amazing. I'd been so much harder on him with the kids for SO much less.

My point is, what happened to your little one is big, in your eyes, but not in reality. Trust your DH. I am sure he's feeling like a jackass. You need to support each other as you navigate the early days of parenthood together. You're both new to this. Be good to each other. Carry each other.
Always check and double check the pram's brakes! Take that advice home with you.

TheVanguardSix · 26/03/2018 10:05

he rolled off the bed in my wathc
Oh dear- ON MY WATCH that should read.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 26/03/2018 10:08

When my first baby was two days old I dropped my phone on his head whilst trying to take a photo of him. I will never forget that wince of pain on his face and his cries. I still feel guilty to this day for that. (He is 12) I caused my tiny baby pain. but I didn’t hand my baby over to his father and let him parent for the rest of his life. It was a mistake. We all make them. You have too OP. Yes, already. You forgive yourself and you carry on parenting. Your husband will forgive himself and carry on. You don’t get to exclude him from parenting his child.

Original poster

Tentoes21 · 26/03/2018 10:09

Thanks for all your replies everyone.

And for the brutal honesty!
So I can see I am probably overreacting here.
Think it’s got a lot to do with ongoing differences in how DH and I treat DD.
DH has more of a ‘rough, tumble and learn’ approach and I have an instinct to do more protecting and step by step stuff.
So when a mistake like this happens I feel extra frustrated as I kind of felt it was coming...I mean, why let go of her completely, why not just a bit?

Anyway, good to get your feedback and appreciated! Glad to know it happens to all of us. It’s not easy for anyone this parenting stuff

OP posts:

ginandnappies · 26/03/2018 10:09

My son is now 8 months and I can't count how many times he's banged his head. It's going to happen. I did the exact same as your DH. Let it go, or you're in for a rough ride haha x

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 26/03/2018 10:10

That sounds like the kind of daft thing DH would still do, DS2, DH's first child, is 6.5, and he still either babies him or thinks he's capable of more than he is. DH just doesn't really understand children. When he makes supper he cuts DS2's up.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 26/03/2018 10:11

Oh, and gives him a fork and spoon.

PsychoPumpkin · 26/03/2018 10:11

It’s not like he left your child unnatended and went to the pub, he was overestimating her abilities and she took a tiny tumble!

TheVanguardSix · 26/03/2018 10:12

It sure isn't easy. It's no cake walk.
I've had two DHs, not enough to consider myself a collector of husbands. I don't plan on a third.
Both were 'rough and tumble' with their DCs and it drove me up the wall.
DH (with whom I've had DCs 2 and 3) has been much mellower with DC3. And yet it was DC3 went through the worst injuries (as you can read in my post) which were all on ME.

diddl · 26/03/2018 10:15

There will be bumps & accidents-it does seem so daft of your husband though.

You'd have thought that he would have been ready to catch her!

Wonder why he was so sure that she could sit up?

Hopefully he'll now be more careful!

wrenika · 26/03/2018 10:16

I'm sure everyone could give an example of a moment's lack of judgement in raising their child! Raising a child is a learning curve. I don't see why you'd be angry as such. Life is full of bumps and tumbles.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/03/2018 10:16

They fall backwards quite a lot even when they have learned to sit up! And whilst learning to support themselves. I think you need to loosen up a bit, I'm sure he will learn (as will you) that babies are quite robust little things.

TatianaLarina · 26/03/2018 10:17

It depends what his ‘rough and tumble’ approach amounts to. And who learns - him or the baby?

It sounds like your concern for your baby’s safety isn’t specific to this incident.

My father had a similar approach and my sister ended up in hospital having swallowed a two pence piece. But it could have been worse.

TheVanguardSix · 26/03/2018 10:17

When he makes supper he cuts DS2's up.

I still cut up my 16 year old's dinner, by default. Don't even realise I'm doing it! It's so embarrassing. I cut up DH's dinner last week and muttered 'small bites' which has been our version of grace before dinner since the kids were little because they all crammed the universe in their mouths and would choke, of course they would, and bring me to my knees with distress and worry. 'Small bites' worked though! They would stop and take small bites. It just doesn't go over well with a 58 year old man looking down at pureed steak on his plate.

Callamia · 26/03/2018 10:18

Even when they can sit, they can still topple over. Put some cushions around her, and carry on.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/03/2018 10:18

She will love the rough and tumble from Daddy, as long as he doesn't do anything irresponsible and seems properly contrite over the sitting thing, you need to let it go and move on.
If you oversee your partners every interaction and parent him on parenting he will just give up and leave you to it

Momo18 · 26/03/2018 10:18

Your over reacting to a one off incident, let's hope you never ever make a mistake!

CatchingBabies · 26/03/2018 10:19

I think hurting his baby will have bothered him enough to not try it again. It's an accident.

ProfessorBranestawm · 26/03/2018 10:21

It’s pretty normal for them to fall in that sort of scenario. Just make sure they are on a softer surface when possible I suppose. I let go of baby when she’s on the middle of the bed (still right there obviously) or on the playmat.

TBH it’s important that they aren’t held upright all the time, how else will they learn to do it themselves? They’ll fall a hell of a lot when learning to crawl and walk too, it’s all part of the learning process.

frogsoup · 26/03/2018 10:23

Be gentle with your OH because no matter how careful a parent you are, it is guaranteed that at some stage over the next few years you will also make a minor error of judgement resulting in minor hurt to your child! It's just how life with kids is.

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