I need to become a better mum

[NuttyMuffins]

I am crap, really I am.

don;t be too hard on yourself, we all have days like this. Just make a point of doing something with the kids each day even if it is just a walk to the shop. Getting out and about will raise your mood and also let them release some of their energy so that they don't get so hyper later on. Your 4 yr old should grow out of the tantrums and I know how you feel about having a poor loser in the house, my two ds like this....very much like their father

Nutty, you know how it is here, I've posted many many times about how crap I am.

But I think that massive blowout the other day has made me see that I have to do something about it.

It's bloody hard though. You're on your own with 3 kids and I'm here with 4 and Dh who works really awkward shifts. I know I've got it easier than you because I can hand over teh reigns atthe end of the day (although you all know I don't).

I've been slowly changing things. I know that if I try to make to many cahnges to quickly I won't keep it up, so I really am doing it veru gradually.
I've chilled out alot about mess they make, for example I hate playdoh. I stress about to getting on the carpet, aboutthe colurs being mixed up (yes really!!), about every single thing to do with the stuff.
Today they've had it all out. Twice.
I cleared away the aftermath from the fist lot and a few hours later they wanted it out again.
So i cleared it up again after that too.

They have to help tidy it but its all the little bits that get stuck everywhere that bug me...but I just hoovered them up. simple really.

The shouting from me has probably halved because I've just chilled about it. I still ahve 100 miles to go but as I said gradually I'm making it better.

I've also stolen a tip from a mum at P& T group, she has 5 kids and each night one of them has to help cook teh dinner. That way she gets 1-2-1 with them and they also learn to cook!
I thought that was FAB idea. I've stood back and let DS1 make yorkshire pud mix this week and that, for me is a BIG thing.

Blimey reading that back...I actually sound quite nice

You sound like a woman doing a heroic job under very difficult circumstances. I second the suggestion of getting out every day even if it is a walk to the shops.

LadyTopHamHatt - I hate the thought of mixing the playdoh colours too, so I only give DS one pot at a time to play with he is only 23 months though so doesn't mind yet

lth

i would bin the playdoh if i cared about it that much

why on earth would you have it if you stress about the colours being mixed up??

nutty, you know how it is here. no need to give you details.

at the weekends we get 3 hours o na saturdy for me to take the kids out. we go between the lakes/park/soft play/visiting relatives. Its the only real time they get to let off steam each week. dd2 would also kick off at leaving time, but i remind them that on saturdays we stop at the bakery to get cakes for the afternoon.

It is very easy to slip into doing the bare minimum, have done it plenty and mumsnet is highly addictive.

But if the kids are driving you barmy and you are feeling guilty about it then you need to do something. I know today has been sh*tty weatherwise her ( not sure if it is where you are), so was so glad i had already booked tickets for the zoo as otherwise i would've backed out of it, was glad i went, the kuids had a blast!

ds3 loves it, enid...really really loves it.
His day at nursery are spent entirely at the playdoh.

He's swap me for a few tubs of playdoh (or a fruit shortcake biscuit actually butthat a differnet thread)

how old are your kids nutty - are you on your own?

lth bin the playdoh

so he has it at nursery

God, this is something I never thought I tell MN.

Ds3 was playing playdoh a few weeks ago and I was helping him (through gritted teeth), just rolling it out and stuff.
I had to do somthing in the kitchen so ddi that and sat back down with him.

After a few more minutes he said "Mum....why are you playing with me?"

I felt sooooo awful. I still do actually and will probably regret posting this because it's crap parenting to the highest degree.

Nutty - stop with the guilt thing right now, it'll get you nowhere.

On weekends/holidays just get them out of the house after breakfast. It doesn't have to be a big trip, just something for them to be able to run around unfettered. Whilst you're out, have a little chat with each of them about what they're going to do for the rest of the day.
Give them little jobs to do for you, to earn rewards. Notice anything good that they do and tell them. Intervene early and calmly if things are getting out of hand, don't let it reach boiling point before you wade in and yell.

MN is great but it IS addictive. You can use it as a reward when you've been out with them and then got them settled into an activity.

For the four year old I've always found making dens with sheets/tables etc is a great activity that occupies them for a long time.

You had three kids - that means they're meant to play with each other, not you!!!!

Oh God. Nutty, I sympathise hugely - Massive guilt trip here.
DS gets so bored too, I like you am by myself, and mostly do things I have to do and haven't the energy for much else like trips out (we get to shop most days or swings or something) BUT, I have figured out that when I do have a moment, I go online and browse inanely / do MN / etc. almost purely to numb my brain, as I cannot face the feelings I have if I allow myself to think - it's like trying to listen to music if DS is around, music makes me feel, and I know it'll get interrupted, so just don't even try. (My friend says she does the same with reading, she won't read if her DS's are anywhere near).
I have got into a rut of not allowing myself to feel (nothing particular, just any feelings) because I'm unable to handle the interruption of my thoughts by DS, if that makes ANY sense?
Thus the blank online thing. Looking at it I'm defending myself against my own son, who is nearly four and manages very well to entertain himself - but shouldn't have to.
How to break the habit? I don't know.

Not saying you're the same as with three it must be a lot more actual essential stuff than I have to deal with. Poor you xx

Not crap parenting at all LTH imio.

What you infer and what he meant v likely to be 2 different things - how old is he? To put it differently, he may have said, "Have you finished your kitchen job now?"

You are very brave about the playdoh. I recommend doing it in the garden. Ditto painting, clay, sticking, eating....

Nutty, being alone with 3 kids must be unimaginably hard. Don't hold yourself up to some picture perfect standard that doesn't exist, then blame yourself when your kids play up. They are kids. That's what they do.

Sorry you're feeling crap. You don't sound like a crap parent to me.

Will dd2 be a better loser if you and she are one team? Good idea to bribe ds with cake/video/game after park to get him home.

Just eating my dinner, will read through replies properly and then post.

OhEnid, kids are 9, 7 and 4 and yep I am on my own.

bloody hell that must be hard

still...you need to do stuff with them at weekends

what could you bear to do?

do the older ones not do any sport clubs on a saturday?

I think weekends and holidays must be really hard if you are on your own & esp if short of money. You tend to think everyone else is doign stuff as a family and won't want to see you. But honestly, I'd love it if someone said, fancy meeting with the kids at the park for a couple of hours on Sunday morning. You could text if you feel shy.
Is there anything you would enjoy doing? Do you have any museums or events locally?
I suspect you really need the adult company of MN, esp at the weekends, but of course the kids need airing too, so why not do the park or whatever first thing. Text a friend the day before or even same day to suggest meeting up and don't be upset if they can't make it. The it is DONE! And you will probably all feel better for exercise etc. And bribe your ds to come back nicely by promising an ice cream on the way home! And don't despair, in a couple of years you will have really fab, grown up children who will be able to entertain themselves so much better!

I know how you feel, i have 3 kids and a husband who works away (home one weekend a month at the moment).

I seem to end up doing the bare minimum with the children and leave them to their own devices far too often.

Today i decided to make an effort, we went to the park and it promptly pissed it down so i promised them lunch at the cafe in asda if they promised to behave while i got some bits of shopping only to find cafe closed for renovation so we came home and i tried to cheer us up by playing junior pictionary but ds1 had a massive tantrum when he lost!

I really think they would have had a better day if i had just left them to it

lth, i once sat down with dd to play barbies with her and she looked at me strangely and said "what are you doing here mummy?"

Made me feel totally crap

nutty

you need to get out and run the risk of a tantrum
expalin to ds what the scheme is that you will ahev to leave and that if he tantrums you will comehome
have oyu ever goe into brum or sutton on a sunday afternoonad n just walked around?
oyu must trya nd get out it saves my life osmetimes

Flightattendant, I am exactly the same with the music and reading. Ds moans when I put music on anyway.

Enid - Dd1 was doing ballet on a saturday but she is having a break at the mo as she's not sure she wants to carry on, plus it is costing me a fortune in bus fare as I have to take all 3 with me, so we are trying to find somewhere else for her to go.
Thing is, if I could just take Dd1 on her own, it would be ,ovely, because I spend no time with her on her own at all, but I have no one to have the others so it's a non starter.

Also I have tried playing with Ds but he just doesn't seem to want me to play with him. He goes to nursery 9-3 on a tuesday and a thursday, and so on the other 3 days I suggest games, etc and he says no.
He starts school in Sept and I know I am gonna really regret not doing more stuff with him.

you need ot run of he tv and puter

haev radio on to keep you dane
lie on floor
play

I have done that Cod, but DS and walking around for no particular reason don't mix and I know it's not alot, but I do struggle to find the bus fare to take them all out together. It's £5.50 for a family day ticket, and although I know this is not a huge amount, I just don't always have it.

I did exactly that with him last week. I got his Thomas set out, set it all up and within 5 minutes he had walked off saying he didn't want to play.

i used to be a single mum (only to one child though) and weekends were indeed tough. i have friends who were single mums too and we would meet up and do stuff at weekends (picnics, walks, exhibitions etc, we were all skint so cheap/free stuff!).

for some reason nearly all the single parents i know i met on courses or by doing volunteering, could you do a course during the week when they are at school/nursery? would be something just for you too iyswim?

do you have any swimming pools nearby that aren't council run? at ours you are allowed to take 3 kids (as long as no babies). you could put armbands on them all and stay at the shallow end?!

parenting is bloody tough

nutty when I felt a bit like this I spent 25 mins a day with each child - I set the timer and during that time I asked them what they wanted to do and did it, let them lead

at our local swimming pool once your child is 8 or above they do not need supervision so you can take 3 (says Enid counting the days until dd1 is 8)

If I don't get a job in the next few weeks then I am going back to college in sept, just part time, 1 day a week, and I have also asked my friends to find out the name of the volunteer co-ordinators at the hospitals they are at at the moment.

Oh, there is swimming pools at the hotels by me, but I can't afford to take them there. When I take them to council poll, they swim for free, so I only pay a small amount for me then.