Can't cope with my 18 month old anymore. Called social services today.

[charlottexox]

I have an 18 month old DD & I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with my second baby, so I wouldn't be surprised if anyone comments saying "you're just hormonal woman!"
Basically, very recently my DD has been smacking, hitting, scratching and screaming at me. She can't really say a lot so I suppose she resorts to taking her frustration out in those sorts of ways.
She throws toys and I am constantly telling her off. I do praise her for the good she does like; lying down nicely and patiently while I do a nappy change, eating all of her tea and helping me put her toys away at bed time.
But I have found myself recently shouting at her more and more for doing things that are bad.
She shows 0 affection towards me but will show it towards grandparents and her dad, sometimes even strangers!

Today is the first day in months someone has taken her from me for the day. My partner and I do not live together and he works 5 days a week; so I am left alone with her every day during the week. Although, he is a fantastic help on the weekends, I do sometimes wonder if I need that extra support on a weekday.

Once my in laws had left with her this morning, I curled up on the sofa and sobbed uncontrollably for half an hour until I reached for my mobile to call social services.
The woman on the phone was fantastic and gave me some resources to look at, like children's centres to go to. But I still don't think that'll be enough to help me.
I am currently on anti depressants and have been since the age of 18 (now 24.)
Although, I know this isn't normal thinking - I have thought about ending my life but what stops me is the growing baby in my womb & my daughter. I have also had thoughts of just giving her away to social services or her dad, but I know she would forever question me as to why I did that and why I let my other baby stay with me and not her.
I am in absolute hell right now with how I feel and although I do love her, I feel as though she does not love me back.
Me and my partner are a fantastic team on the weekends, and he is absolutely my best friend. I'm just concerned with how I'm coping right now and how I will with a 2 year old and a new born.

my partner isn't living with me for financial reasons. He does have a full time job but obviously my benefits would be cut if he moved in with me, so he is currently saving up. My rent here alone is £134 a weekshock So making sure we can manage that whopper of a bill first!

Is this his reasoning or yours? Yes your benefits would be cut, but you are being left to raise a child alone because your DP is too tight to pick up the shortfall of losing them. You shouldn't be left to cope alone here - even if he only got in after your toddler was in bed asleep, he would be there at least to tidy up, hang out with you, get her up in the morning for a little play and some breakfast in the morning while you have a shower.

Does he contribute financially at the moment?

Re: not showing you affection - in one of the baby books I pored over endlessly when struggling myself as a mother, I'm sure I read that at 18 months your DD hasn't quite grasped yet that you are a completely separate person from her. You're with her most and give her most care from the sound of it, and she feels very much part of you still. She saves her charm and beguilings to win around people who are less familiar to her.

It will change obviously but for now it does sound tough. Hope things improve for you soon.

Hmm. I know you didn't start this thread about your partner OP but it does seem to me that he's letting you down here. He seems to be having it all. A nice little life with mum and dad, seeing his friends And a few hours playing happy families on the weekend. You are going through one of the biggest changes anyone ever goes through and he should be at your side going through it too. I agree with all the advice you've had from PPs about speaking to your HV, GP etc but you also need to he speaking to your partner here.

Hey first thing you need to do is sit down with your partner and talk it through. He can, should and probably will help. Mostly you probably need a break. Kids are hard and 24/7 totally draining. Once tired and drained everything seems major. Try to get some time to you and some help shouldering the work.

@astoundedgoat it is both of us that decided that right now. But yes he goes support us financially by giving me child maintenance every month for DD and bits inbetween if I need it. He does also on a weekend buy nappies and wipes if we are low x

I also think he could 'babysit' (although I really don't like that term as he's her father!) for you one evening at least to see your friends. He could stay over that night and go to work from yours the next day. He needs to step up

@Luckyme2 no I absolutely understand where you're coming from and have just poured my heart out to him via text to say how upset and lonely I'm feeling right now as a mummy.
I do also feel isolated as we live in a small village and I don't drive so rely on buses a lot.

Remember that the Terrible Twos are called that for a reason, but very often start well before 2. Sounds like you are at that stage at the moment

Just an idea but are there other mums if toddlers in the village? A toddler group or something. Try to make friends then ‘break swap’ as in take turns to have each other’s kids whilst the other goes and does something adulty and relaxing.

Hopefully when he realises how hard you're finding things at the moment he'll be there for you. Stay strong. 18 months is such a tricky age! And you're pregnant as well. Be kind to yourself, take help where you can and you'll get through this

It seems crazy that a grown man in his 20s or 30s by age of his parents is living at home like a teenager while you are struggling with a baby and a pregnancy. Giving you "child support" and buying a few nappies and wipes doesn't cut it. He needs to be much more hands on and why on earth can't he afford to live with you? What does he do for a living? Everything seems to be on his terms. How old are you OP? And how old is your partner?

Hi @Movablefeast my partner is 27 in July & owns his own business in tech, although his business isn't doing the greatest right now.
I'm actually more upset at him right now. I have just poured my heart out to him via text about how I'm feeling about being a mum and that I called social services this morning and he said "youll change your mind about calling them, because if they come over they'll tell you what to do and you never like having anyone tell you what to do. I love you and our babies but my parents have her today, so try and get some rest
I'm unsure about what to do now to be honest. It feels like right now he isn't being understanding.

18 month olds are hard work. Especially since you are essentially alone all week and you are pregnant. I couldn’t wait for DH to get home from work some days when I was in your boat. And I did not have depression and he was very supportive.

I don’t really know much about your financial situation, but it seems as if your partner is living the single life at home, probably waited on by his mum, where you are struggling by yourself.

Is there a possibility your in laws could have an arrangement where they look after DD a half day a week? I know you said you didn’t want to ask your fil, but if they see you’re struggling then they might want to help a bit. Or failing that then your DP should take her out or to his parents all day on a Saturday and stay overnight so you can have a proper break.

He is not being understanding because he is not there all the time and has no idea how hard it can be.

I am a Home start volunteer and i agree with others who have suggested this. You can self refer to them. I support a family that on the surface you would never think needed help. The mum just needs an extra pair of hands and another adult for company once a week to keep her sane.

And i also meant to add that i used to be a social worker and they will probably refer you back to your health visitor in the first instance for support.

Hello @blueskyinmarch I have called HS this afternoon and have a lady calling me on Thursday. Can I just ask, what does the person that comes over do? Do they place with the child / talk to the mum about Day to day stuff? Or do they make a plan for you to follow?

Sorry I meant to say play not place x

Well done It isn't always easy to take the first steps to ask for help. It will be the co-ordinator/manager who will visit and they will basically chat to you about what it is you think you need. They will engage with your DD obviously but i would think they will be more about what you need. I don't know if they maybe go through set referral questions. I know when i was a social worker and made referrals we completed a form to say what we thought the family most needed. Be honest with them. They will let you know if there is a waiting list and what you can expect from a volunteer.

My partners have just dropped DD back to me. She was absolutely beside herself with tears when they left and was clinging onto them for dear life, like she didn't want to be left with me.
It's just another kick in the teeth for me and has broken my heart. It was a struggle to change her nappy and put her in some clean pyjamas for bed as she was so upset.
Now she's in bed I'm sat here thinking now she doesn't even want to be with me or see me.

Aw don't beat yourself up over that. Unfortunately you are her 'ordinary'. They are a break from the ordinary and whilst it feels rubbish just know that you are also her everything. She s only a baby. I know you know it's not really a case of her not wanting to see you. I really think you need a break now and again. 18 months is a really difficult age. Still a baby but walking and starting to communicate. It can feel tiring, frustrating and lonely. I stand by my earlier suggestion that your partner stays one night so you can go out with some friends. You need adult company.

I really think your partner is one of your biggest problems, op. A 27 year old man with his own business, a partner, a child and a second on the way? What the hell is he doing living with his parents and playing at parenting of a weekend? Expect much more op.

I think your'e doing well and it's really brave to admit you need help.
In the first instance, DP should be around more during the week. Assuming he's not a million miles away, he should be coming over to spend time with YOU once the baby is asleep. Your relationship is also important, not just your role as partners. And if he's there he can help with the endless chores as well as offering you a shoulder to lean on and an opportunity for the two of you to operate as a real couple.

The OP needs to be careful if the partner comes around more frequently as this may mean they are viewed as living together as a couple and her benefits may be affected. The partner does not have to stay overnight for them to be viewed as a couple. As indeed they are.

I’m sorry you are finding it so tough. Your partner could do a lot more. There is nothing stopping him from coming round in the evening and hanging out with you or riding up or lookin after his child do you can go out.

It's not a very satisfactory arrangement usually if your partner doesn't live with you and isn't there to provide support even if he is there at weekends. And then another baby into this is bound to be difficult. Your DD is only a baby still at 18 months old. I suppose you need to be more firm and use your voice to express disapproval when she does something wrong. I don't think there's any absolute answer to your difficulties but I hope things improve soon.