Can't cope with my 18 month old anymore. Called social services today.

[charlottexox]

I have an 18 month old DD & I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with my second baby, so I wouldn't be surprised if anyone comments saying "you're just hormonal woman!"
Basically, very recently my DD has been smacking, hitting, scratching and screaming at me. She can't really say a lot so I suppose she resorts to taking her frustration out in those sorts of ways.
She throws toys and I am constantly telling her off. I do praise her for the good she does like; lying down nicely and patiently while I do a nappy change, eating all of her tea and helping me put her toys away at bed time.
But I have found myself recently shouting at her more and more for doing things that are bad.
She shows 0 affection towards me but will show it towards grandparents and her dad, sometimes even strangers!

Today is the first day in months someone has taken her from me for the day. My partner and I do not live together and he works 5 days a week; so I am left alone with her every day during the week. Although, he is a fantastic help on the weekends, I do sometimes wonder if I need that extra support on a weekday.

Once my in laws had left with her this morning, I curled up on the sofa and sobbed uncontrollably for half an hour until I reached for my mobile to call social services.
The woman on the phone was fantastic and gave me some resources to look at, like children's centres to go to. But I still don't think that'll be enough to help me.
I am currently on anti depressants and have been since the age of 18 (now 24.)
Although, I know this isn't normal thinking - I have thought about ending my life but what stops me is the growing baby in my womb & my daughter. I have also had thoughts of just giving her away to social services or her dad, but I know she would forever question me as to why I did that and why I let my other baby stay with me and not her.
I am in absolute hell right now with how I feel and although I do love her, I feel as though she does not love me back.
Me and my partner are a fantastic team on the weekends, and he is absolutely my best friend. I'm just concerned with how I'm coping right now and how I will with a 2 year old and a new born.

@WaxOnFeckOff yes thinking of him moving in during the summer, looking forward to us being a proper family actually. He does live with his parents atm but they're in their 70s (had my partner during their 40s) so I always feel like it's embarrassing to ask. Plus father in law made a comment in December when I asked if they could watch DD while I do some diy around the flat and he said "well she's your baby" since then, it's put me off asking

Yes I do. I had pnd and remember begging my mum to take her away as I was a useless mother and she'd be better off without me. I remember crying on Mother's Day as I had been given cards and presents and I didn't deserve them. I'm sure you are depressed. Please contact your midwife. 💐

A LIVE IN NANNY???!! Yeah sounds like the OP could afford that!!

@Tallace
😂 Only on mumsnet! 😂

@littlemisscomper wish I could afford live in nanny but unfortunately don't have Victoria and David beckhams money (or looks lol) on single parent benefits right now as gave up my job of being a carer when I went back to work after maternity x

Hey op. Please don't feel bad, having kids, especially at the age yours is....IS FUCKING HARD!! It's brutal. I honestly think I got PTSD from those days. Well done for reaching out. SS are there to help. I wish I'd had the guts to ask for help sooner. Xx

I really think you need to move forward the date for your partner to move in. Is that possible? Is there a reason he currently cannot? Whilst he is very helpful on the weekend, that is only two days, you have the other five days on your own and it's relentless. It would be really helpful even if he just gets home in time for bed. It's takes the edge off, plus you've got some company in the evening, otherwise life is all childcare and a bit lonely.

Ah, I see. Sounds like a good plan and it would take a lot of the stress off you in some ways. Toddlers are difficult, that's their job :) She really doesn't hate you but familiarity breeds contempt so they say. She knows that you love her. You will be tired too as well as hormonal. I have two 13 months apart though they are teenagers now, I can remember the utter exhaustion of having a baby, working full time and being pregnant. DH and I trying to work opposite hours to limit the cost of childcare and to spend as much time with baby as possible too.

It is hard, accept that, ask for help where you can, try different strategies with DD and accept that you can't be perfect.

Can I recommend baby signing for the 18 month old? Communication rage was a serious issue for my DD at the same age, and she learned a couple of hundred signs very quickly which enabled her to communicate and reduced the rage tremendously.

You don't have to go to a class...just look up the signs online and teach yourself and your 18 month old.

Hi OP, this is very much depression talking. I've been there myself and there are so many similarities with what I went through.

I really suffered straight after birth - I was so bad that I cried constantly, had panic attacks over minor things and I thought a lot of the same things as you - could I give him away? What if I ran away and left him with his dad? Should I just kill myself? But I could always see the reasons why I shouldn't do any of those things. I felt so desperate though.

I saw my GP, got help, got the depression under control and came out the other side with a wonderful son and he brings me so much happiness that far outweighs the depression I felt before. It's hard to believe that I genuinely wanted to give him away years ago, when I would now fight with everything I have for him, to keep him with me and to keep him happy.

Please see your GP, get help with the depression and you will soon start to see yourself for the wonderful mum you are x

Health Visitor/GP/Social Services again. You do need to be honest and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts. That will ramp up the support and they will hopefully have the resources to support your 18 month old at a child minder/nursery to give you some breathing space.

Well done on asking for help OP, toddlers are bloody hard work especially coping on your own during the week.
I have a toddler and an older child with SEN and sometimes life is hard.
It can be a case of just sticking one foot in front of the other at times but children grow & change and better times are just round the corner.

Call & txt friends during the day- that makes a difference. I call dh during the day too, his work is important but so is my ability to deal with the kids.
Get out to playgroups or parks.
Use TV loads.
If you need a 5 min break or feel that you’re losing it, then take the break. Go to another room & be by yourself for 5 mins.

Accept all help offered by HV or ss. Honestly, it will get better.

I remember feeling like that. It does get better, honestly.

Just to echo everyone else - my HV didn't spot that I had PND, and it went on for ages. I recognise that feeling that everyone would be better off without me, but it is not true.

We tend to feel we have to put on a brave face for the health professionals in case they judge us. But in fact there's lots of support for early years parenting and you deserve all the help you can get. So keep asking for what you need.

You have had fantastic, sensible and thoughtful advice on this thread already, but does your partner know how you feel? Why is he not living with you now to be supporting you both emotionally and practically, not to mention financially?

You don't have to rush the relationship if you are not ready to live with him (and you might have reasonable reservations about him because of his lack of support so far), but if the relationship is not "there" yet for you to live together, you are taking on an awful lot by having a second child right now.

Do you want a second baby? Because you have options and you also have the right to protect your own mental health here if you feel overwhelmed.

Is there a reason your partner isn't living with you? You refer to him as your best friend and talk about how great he is on the weekends. With an 18 month old and now being pregnant again he could be a source of support to you living there even when going out to work in the week.

Definitely contact GP and ask for a referral to Peri natal mental health team. Contact your HV and midwife too.

I also think I your partner needs to step up.

Why don’t you live together? It would be so easy to be best parent in the world if you have to do it 2 days a week with suppprt of another adult and not every day and every night by yourself. You need to make sure that you get some time to yourself at weekends without your toddler.

Hi ladies, cba to tag all the ones who have asked lol but atm my partner isn't living with me for financial reasons. He does have a full time job but obviously my benefits would be cut if he moved in with me, so he is currently saving up. My rent here alone is £134 a week So making sure we can manage that whopper of a bill first!

Rather than tell her off - as she's a bit young to understand, try distracting her or gently scooping her up and removing her to somewhere else whist saying in a sing song voice "I don't think so". Repeat with a laugh if she goes back. She'll get the message eventually but in a positive way.
If she bites, hits or throws then a firm "we don't do that" then turn away and ignore. When she hasn't got an audience she'll eventually stop.

You can make it light hearted but still enforce the boundaries. At the moment you are trapped in a negative vicious cycle.
Good luck

Oh yes, make sure you get out of the house every day. I would have gone crazy if I'd stayed in with just a toddler for company.

Where does he live then OP? Can he not come round in the evenings?

@Luckyme2 he lives with his parents right now. He works 9-7 so will miss DDs bed time routine. Although I must admit, I get very lonely in the evenings once she is settled.

Is he far away though? It might do you good for him to just come round for an hour a couple of evenings a week. For you not the bedtime routine. A cuddle and a chance to unload. Make you a cuppa, catch up with you. You need to be kind to yourself and I think he could be doing more on that front for you even if he can't physically help with your DC

Definitely Homestart.
You can contact them yourself, but you may get bumped up the list if you are referred by HV or SS.
Ask them, keep asking them.
Make it plain that you want and need every bit of help that's going.

Be kind to yourself.
Try to get out in fresh air every day.
Things will get better.

@Luckyme2 yes only a 15 min drive for me and DD. So not far at all really.
I must admit, it does frustrate me sometimes because although he is a fab help on the weekend on weekdays he socialises with friends and gets to let his hair down. I maybe jealous as I don't get to go that and actually haven't gone on a night out since DD was born or even gone for a coffee with a friend while she's been born!