AIBU my Mum took my dd to A&E without telling me and I’m fuming!!

[SosSam]

I had to go away at short notice for a funeral and my mum very kindly came to look after my two little ones. I was away/abroad for a weekend with the funeral on the Saturday. I kept in regular contact with my Mum through each day, had photo updates, texts about what they were up to and then spoke to them before bedtime each night. When I got home on the Monday my Mum informs me that on the Sunday morning (day after the funeral) they took my dd to A&E as she had got hold of a plug in air freshener. Now fortunately everything is absolutely fine and she is fit and healthy. However I am beyond livid that I was not told about any of this until a day later!!!! Despite being in regular contact on the day it happened!!!! AIBU to be so angry?
I don’t blame her for my DD getting hold of the plug-in. It was really unfortunate but I can see how it could have happened but the fact that she felt that she had the right to make such decisions without even informing me is just ridiculous to me. She said that she did it for my own good as I was too far away to do anything but this just doesn’t wash with me. It’s my child and I have the right to know what is happening to them and to be kept informed every step of the way.
Secondary, it’s thrown up loads of future trust issues, not just with my Mum looking after my kids but anyone other than my dh and I. The not knowing what is really happening with your little ones really scares me.
I’ve raised it with her and we’re on normal talking terms but I can’t seem to be able to shake the anger I feel. AIBU??

What happened exactly with the plug? Don’t really understand why A&E.

I do think yabu. Your mum probably didn’t want to worry you while you were away and couldn’t do anything. I can see why you’d be upset but I can definitely see your mum’s point of view. She told you about the incident and your dd is fine. I’d let it go.

You were at a funeral in a foreign country and your mum did not want to make your day any worse. That is being kind.

I’ve often looked after nieces & nephews whilst family away as they have for me. We've taken to doctors, a&e dentist etc in emergencies.

We tell the parents afterwards or on their return so as not to worry the absent parent. You are really overreacting & owe your mum an apology.

At least she took her to get medical treatment. Surely it would be far worse if she hadn't have done so.

YABVU.

OK, you may be reeling with all tne ‘what if’s but it actually sounds like a very minor incident and what you know now is that your Mum will always err on tne side of caution and get medical help if in doubt.

I think you need to get hold of your ‘trust issues ‘ thing. You trusted your Mum to take care of your child and she did.

Your outrage is misplaced.

And get rid of plug ins. Filling the air with synthetic chemicals.

Trust Issues or Control Freakery?

Agree with others, pretty unreasonable. Nothing you could do while you weren’t around so better just not to worry you.

I think you're pissed off about the plug-in.

Did your mum know you have them etc??

Realistically, what could you have done?

Nothing but worry yourself sick.

You mum did the right thing.

I took the two (then) middle kids to Disney Paris. The older 2 had already been and the youngest was a baby. Mum had them for the weekend from the Friday. On Saturday morning baby DD started throwing up and having runny nappies, she was about 9 months old. Mum rang OOH and was told that if it didnt clear up by Sunday evening to call again. We got back on Monday, by which time DD was fine, she had stopped being sick on Sunday morning. I was a bit thrown that despite my calls, Mum hadnt told me until I thought about it. Really, what would have been the point? If I hadnt trusted her to do the right thing in an emergency then they wouldnt have been there in the first place, and she did everything that I would have done. More actually because I probably wouldnt have called OOH unless she was still being sick on the Sunday!

You trusted her to do the right thing, and she did. I am sure she would have called you back if i had turned out to be serious. You need to thank her for taking such good care of your child and apologise for your reaction.

She was protecting you. What could you have done from abroad? If you don’t trust your mother implicitly, perhaps you need to re-evaluate going abroad and leaving your children with her. I understand it wasn’t for a jolly. However, you either trust her or you don’t and your children are always more important than attending a funeral. I think your anger is misplaced and perhaps you are more upset with yourself that you weren’t there or by the incident itself.

Yabu
If you trust someone enough to watch your children while your away then surley you trust them enough to make emergency decisions especially your mother.

I can understand that you would have preferred to have been kept in touch, but that’s something you just discuss in the de-brief. “Thanks Mum, must have been a fright for you, you did the right thing taking her to A&E, but if anything like that happens again, just keep me up to date? OK? I’d prefer to worry alongside you than not know” and move on.

To be ‘beyond livid ‘, ‘fuming ‘ ‘really scared ‘ and unable to let go of your anger is more about you, than the incident.

I think your anger is misplaced and perhaps you are more upset with yourself that you weren’t there

I agree.

Oh my goodness, your mother knew you were abroad and at a funeral and knew that it would cause you worry if you knew about the A+E visit and she knew you couldn't do anything g since you were overseas, so she looked after your daughter herself and spared you the unnecessary worry at such a stressful time (since you were far away at a funeral)...you should thank your poor mother, she was only trying to save you even more stress and worry

Well, when posting this I didn’t expect the responses received but thank you I’ll take them on board. I never actually had a go at my Mum and I did just say in future please always keep me informed in these types of incidents so as far she is concerned there is no anger etc. I thanked her for looking after the kids and for taking my 9 month old to A&E, it’s just that even once everything was fine and we discussed the day, she still didn’t say anything, that’s what I’m cross about.
Bit disappointed that people felt the need to say I had control, anger and trust issues here. Way to go on supporting each other.

I’m pleased you didn’t let your anger show to your mum, because she did the right thing imo. She was looking after your child to the best of her ability, took action when required, whilst not putting enormous stress on to you who wasn’t available.

It’s fair enough that she knows now you’d like to be told if a situation arises in the future, but in this instant yabu.

Well done for not showing your Mum you were cross. Thing is if she had told you, you’d have been worried. My family never tell until the parents are back. Dniece was in hospital with suspected appendicitis- only when we knew for definite did we say. We asked niece & she said not to worry them as she had her 2 aunties & 2 grandmas!

I dont think you have control or anger issues and only you know if you have trust issues. As a mother of 6 I know that there is no one on earth who can care for my kids as well as I can! But second to me is my mum. And as I posted above, I do get how you feel but......that doesnt mean I was right. It took a few days for me to realise that the reason mum didnt tell me was because she was looking after me too. Thats what mums do isnt it?

She looked at the facts. Possibly poorly child, probably nothing to worry about but best get her looked at. Childs mother (her DD who she loves) is abroad for an unhappy reason. She weighed up calling you first and potentially causing you stress and worry for nothing against getting your DD checked and then calling you if there was an issue. She chose the latter. She chose right.

Would you have felt any different if she had told you afterwards when you were still away? I am guessing not.

My main emotion, when I came down from "OMG I CANT BELIEVE SHE DIDNT TELL ME!!!! SHE LIED TO ME!!!!" was, "I should have been there". But the simple fact is that she got just as much care and love as if I had been here and if I had rushed back it would have ruined the whole weekend for everyone for nothing.

She loves you and your DD, and she took care of both of you.

Don't know why you feel everyone should support you if they don't agree with you?

I think YABU. The majority of people would have done exactly the same in her shoes and the majority of people would not have reacted like you have in this case.

If you don't like it stay with your kids 100% of the time, drag them around with you 100% of the time. I imagine that would be far worse than what your mum did (which most people think is completely normal).

Surprised by the responses here.
I would want to be kept updated and I would be upset at the paternalistic attitude from parent if they withheld knowledge "for my own good".
I am an adult and I can manage feeling worried and I want to be kept informed about my kids.
I wouldn't be pleased if another person took it upon themselves to decide what to keep from me.

Obviously if she was worried she shouldn't delay going to A&E to phone first, but she can keep you updated once they are there.
Also frustrating that your mother still didn't inform you on Sunday evening when you spoke and they were home from A&E.

Whilst I'm sure your mother meant well and thought she was being helpful, it would upset me.

Also how is it to "not worry you" as if she babysits again you will worry "oh maybe she is in A&E right now as she didn't tell me last time"!

Completely understand how you feel op. Of course your mum meant well but she made the wrong decision there. I would speak to her about it and explain that you would definitely want to be kept updated in future.

Bit disappointed that people felt the need to say I had control, anger and trust issues here
But in your op you said it raised future trust issues, and you were beyond livid.

What actually happened with the plug in? What treatment, if any did your DD need?
If it had been appendicitis, your mum would have rung you to obtain your consent for an operation.

You have been supported on here as pp put some perspective into the situation. Is that not support? In what way did you support your DM? It seems all one way to me.

I agree with pp who say she looked after both of you, kept in regular touch, sent photos, texts and dealt with an emergency, all at short notice, she sounds like someone you can totally rely on and trust.

If this is your reaction to the situation perhaps she was concerned as to how you would have coped if she had told you while you were abroad unable to do anything.

Hope you’ve calmed down, appreciated her support, and removed the plug ins.

You were overseas, what could you have done? I personally would not have bothered with A&E, but you probably would have flipped your fucking lid if your mum hadn’t bothered. I guess the poor woman just couldn’t win. You are being a twat. When you wake up to it, just thank your mum and move on.

Hopelesslydevoted
Why are they paternalistic? Ops mother is also a mother to her grown up daughter. She, being a mother was being motherly.

Ops mother could equally have told and updated op whilst she was at a&e but that would imo have been cruel under the circumstances. This trip to a&e sounds more precautionary than perhaps dangerous. As BreakfastatSquiffanys said, her mother would have had to inform op for anything major, such as an operation. Or indeed any serious or life threatening incident.

Bit disappointed that people felt the need to say I had control, anger and trust issues here. Way to go on supporting each other.

Hang on a mo...YOU were the one said you had trust issues in your OP!! To quote:

Secondary, it’s thrown up loads of future trust issues

And you were the one who mentioned "anger" as well, i.e. being fuming in your title!

I agree with the majority view here that YABU and that your mum took responsible action and likely wanted to spare you being frantic with worry when you were so far away and under the sad circumstances of a funeral.

There is something about your second post that really, really irritates me. As I said above, the words "anger" (well, "fuming") and "trust issues" came from YOU, yet you then have a bit of a snide go at posters for not "supporting each other " (ahem...or just you?!). So by having a different opinion to you and honestly answering your AIBU, we are all suddenly branded generally unsupportive as a group? Well to me, that is a characteristic of someone with "control issues" right there.