AIBU my Mum took my dd to A&E without telling me and I’m fuming!!

[SosSam]

I had to go away at short notice for a funeral and my mum very kindly came to look after my two little ones. I was away/abroad for a weekend with the funeral on the Saturday. I kept in regular contact with my Mum through each day, had photo updates, texts about what they were up to and then spoke to them before bedtime each night. When I got home on the Monday my Mum informs me that on the Sunday morning (day after the funeral) they took my dd to A&E as she had got hold of a plug in air freshener. Now fortunately everything is absolutely fine and she is fit and healthy. However I am beyond livid that I was not told about any of this until a day later!!!! Despite being in regular contact on the day it happened!!!! AIBU to be so angry?
I don’t blame her for my DD getting hold of the plug-in. It was really unfortunate but I can see how it could have happened but the fact that she felt that she had the right to make such decisions without even informing me is just ridiculous to me. She said that she did it for my own good as I was too far away to do anything but this just doesn’t wash with me. It’s my child and I have the right to know what is happening to them and to be kept informed every step of the way.
Secondary, it’s thrown up loads of future trust issues, not just with my Mum looking after my kids but anyone other than my dh and I. The not knowing what is really happening with your little ones really scares me.
I’ve raised it with her and we’re on normal talking terms but I can’t seem to be able to shake the anger I feel. AIBU??

@schodingerstwat
Well said. And I agree with: If this is your reaction to the situation, perhaps she was concerned as to how you would have coped if she had told you while you were abroad unable to do anything.

Bit disappointed that people felt the need to say I had control, anger and trust issues here. Way to go on supporting each other.

Seems to be a lot of this type of comment on family threads at the moment. As pp said, you are still being supported if ppl try to put the incident into perspective, they may disagree with you, but that's not being unsupportive! It is perhaps showing you that your reaction was not typical for those reading and commenting, and therefore you might want to consider why. Btw, you posted in AIBU. You surely didn't expect everyone to agree with you?

I think I was the first poster to use all of your own descriptions of yourself (fuming, beyond livid, trust issues and not being able to drop the anger). The thing I introduced was ‘control freakery’.

Look at it, OP. Wanting posters to post what you wanted to hear. Being ‘disappointed’ that we told you what we saw in your post.

How far is your reaction about control? Is your anger about control?

Thinking about it may help you let go of your anger.

I think your anger is possibly more anxiety , the loss of control over a situation involving your child. If she had told you about it as it was happening what could you have done , other than worry ?
She did what you would have done in the same situation didn't she ? The not telling you thing , you have addressed this with her , I think you would do well to accept that sometimes parents do the wrong thing for all the right reasons.

You'd prefer everyone just to sit back and 'support' you when they think you're in the wrong?

Behave yourself.

This is Mumsnet.

If you ABU (which you are) you'll get told to stop being batshit (which you have). If you don't like it, tough. There are other forums more likely to hold your hand than here BUT I have met the most supportive, kind, strong women who I regard to be amongst my closest friends on here so DON'T bang on about members here not being supportive.

You're being ungrateful & sound marginally unhinged frankly. All is well. Be kind, she probably got a fright.

Buy your Mum a bunch of flowers for being kind enough to look after your kids (over Mothering Sunday) whilst you were away. Say thank you for having the consideration/ability/sense to get DD checked and if you don't like the way she does things find someone else for your free, weekend, last minute childcare issues (good luck with that)

And am sorry for your loss.

I think your mum did it with best intentions. You couldn’t have done anything and would have been really worried.

I’ve known another grandma do the same when in charge of the grandkids and one needed their head gluing. They didn’t ring the parents who were having a weekend away.

Your reaction has come from a place of love and worry for your child...do you think that is the same place where your mum's actions are also coming from and she didn't want to worry you unnecessarily? Or do you think she was trying to cover it up?

What a great Mum you have! Jumping in at the last minute to look after your very young kids, recognising your baby needed medical attention and acting on it and then trying to protect you from unnecessary worry whilst you were away at a funeral when it became clear that there was no reason for concern.

Now if your DC had been taken to A&E and admitted, or needed treatment, your mother should have called you at the time - but as this wasn’t the case I think you’re being very very unreasonable.

Trust issues? Surely you’d have more reason to mistrust her if she HADN’T taken your DC to A&E? Fuming? Beyond Livid? Seriously?

Saying you are disappointed in people who don’t agree with you is exactly what people say who are controlling!

Anyway, it’s probably that you feel guilty for not being there and shocked that this was all going on while you were just carrying on as normal, eating your breakfast and doing whatever you were doing.

It happened on a Sunday so hospital may have been one of their only options so it sounds much more dramatic than taking the baby to the doctors.

Please just stop, I wish I’d never posted.

I wouldn't tell my daughter if that happened, it would have ruined her day and she would have been on tenterhooks for hours until everything was ok.

I would have mentioned it later, and probably mentioned that the plug ins should go in the bin with a crawler.

The reality probabaly is that the baby chewed the smelly plug in, and the GPS just wanted to check they wouldn't be poisoned.

I think you are projecting plug in guilt onto your poor mum.

Next time you need a babysitter pay for one.
Your attitude to your mother and your expectations are beyond ridiculous.
You have real control issues and i think you need to do something about that before you get yourself into trouble.

it’s thrown up loads of future trust issues
How can you have loads of future trust issues? Surely it is only one trust issue? Can you explain the different ones?

@SosSam

To be fair, I would have been furious too! But also very unreasonable.

I would be very angry, that I had not been told, during or after, angry that it was allowed to happen, angry that I wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway .. So in other words, the same emotion that I get if I turn my back for 2 secs and DC gets hurt or does something silly. Because that is how I react when I get scared, even after the fact.

DC hit his head at daycare once and got a massive lump, and carer sent a text with pic saying no worries, nothing to be scared of, but he had a little accident, and I instantly replied "what the fuck happened?!", I then very sheepishly followed with a new text saying sorry, bit too fast to respond, how is he? Should I pick him up?

What I am trying to say is, it isn't unreasonable to be angry or upset, we are talking about our DCs, we wear our hearts on our sleeves and of course we get emotional. It is unreasonable to "hold a grudge" or lose trust when the other person in fact acted correctly. Which I am sure you will feel when you get a bit further away from it. Perhaps next time it should be agreed beforehand, that you are one of the mothers that wants to know? Just so that you know there is a clear agreement?

DS2 then 3 had an asthma attack when my parents were looking after the children. They decided not to ring us as they knew we were out drinking in a city over two hours away so couldn't have safely driven home. DS was ok after initial treatment, not distressed that we weren't there and not kept in hospital overnight.
I think they made exactly the right choice, I know I'd have been worried sick if they'd rung and I couldnt get back to him.

Your mum sounds amazing. You're so lucky to have her xxxx

SosSam, sorry you are feeling fragile. I don’t think (m)any people have been or meant to be mean; it’s hard to see fragility in a post that is all about anger, but clearly you do feel very upset by all this.

To be honest it looks like a bigger picture, maybe anxiety or stress.

You’ve had a hard time, with a funeral to go to, if course it was the right thing to leave your baby with your Mum, and whatever happened, everyone is ok.

If you feel you are struggling with your feelings, can’t sleep, etc, maybe time to seek some advice?

I had low grade chronic depression after I had a baby. It took me a year to recognise what it was.

Look after yourself.

@SosSam

I bet you are probably just shattered from your travel, and maybe grieving from a loss. Are you based in UK/Europe? if so, you were up in the middle of the night posting this too, so probably doubly shattered.

This is Aibu; people are blunt here, some of us also up in the middle of the night so knackered with fraying tempers and your attitude maybe ruffled feathers (mine anyway ). But it's no biggie. Your baby is safe and well, and hopefully what you can take from some of these posts is that you have a lovely mum! Go and drink some coffee and cuddle your babies!

Ooops - it's not Aibu! But the rest still stands!!

I think your reaction is completely understandable, particularly assuming the funeral was for someo you cared about, if you were prepared to travel for it. Hearing something scary (which your baby going to A&E is) when emotions are probably already a bit heightened, and possibly feeling a bit helpless as you couldn’t be there (understandably) is going to feel like a big deal.

However I agree that your Mum was being kind and helpful, and doing what she felt was best. You obviously trust her if you left your children with her whilst you were away. Deep breath and hold onto that. What could you have done if she had phoned you immediately, except worry?

Take care, OP, sounds like it’s been a rough time all round

I was on a day out once, with a friend (she was driving) and when I got home dh told me about an accident that our youngest had.

She climbed on the sofa and cracked her nose on the desk. Dh took her to the drs and got it sorted. No major damage, nose bleed, cut, lots of blood etc.

My dh is a HUGE dr phobe, and I asked him why he didn't ring me. He said "and what exactly could you have done? It needed dealing with, I was the adult, why ruin your day when you would have been totally helpless"

I bet your mum thinks the same. You couldn't get back, your weekend wasn't exactly a fun trip away, so she kept it from you in order for you to get through your weekend. Fuming at her for not telling you is overdoing it, especially as it wasn't anything overly serious.

I really regret ever posting anything. Maybe I didn’t give enough info or was too harsh with my words but I truly didn’t believe my first post here would be such a negative experience. Lesson learnt, I won’t post again.

I think that because this was minor thing - plug-in freshener - as opposed to say, breaking a leg in the garden, your mum absolutely did the right thing. She probably thought she'd be told to go home and not worry about it. If it had been a serious incident she would probably have told you.

She was being a mother OP. It doesn't stop when your children are grown up! Try to put this into perspective. Everyone is OK. No harm done. Don't take this to heart - go for a long walk and take some deep breaths.