AIBU my Mum took my dd to A&E without telling me and I’m fuming!!

[SosSam]

I had to go away at short notice for a funeral and my mum very kindly came to look after my two little ones. I was away/abroad for a weekend with the funeral on the Saturday. I kept in regular contact with my Mum through each day, had photo updates, texts about what they were up to and then spoke to them before bedtime each night. When I got home on the Monday my Mum informs me that on the Sunday morning (day after the funeral) they took my dd to A&E as she had got hold of a plug in air freshener. Now fortunately everything is absolutely fine and she is fit and healthy. However I am beyond livid that I was not told about any of this until a day later!!!! Despite being in regular contact on the day it happened!!!! AIBU to be so angry?
I don’t blame her for my DD getting hold of the plug-in. It was really unfortunate but I can see how it could have happened but the fact that she felt that she had the right to make such decisions without even informing me is just ridiculous to me. She said that she did it for my own good as I was too far away to do anything but this just doesn’t wash with me. It’s my child and I have the right to know what is happening to them and to be kept informed every step of the way.
Secondary, it’s thrown up loads of future trust issues, not just with my Mum looking after my kids but anyone other than my dh and I. The not knowing what is really happening with your little ones really scares me.
I’ve raised it with her and we’re on normal talking terms but I can’t seem to be able to shake the anger I feel. AIBU??

Sweetie, you asked was your reaction reasonable?
Most thought it extreme.
Answering your question honestly is not negative just because people don't agree with you.
And frankly, holding on to these negative angry feelings about what happened over the weekend is not healthy. You are already fretting about letting anyone else look after your child.
How's that going to work? Are you going to home school until she's 18 and never ever go out to the cinema with your DH.

Let it go.
Your child was safe with someone who loves you both.
Don't let this dominate your life.

Mumsnet can be very blunt and you do have to be careful about what you say to make your message clear. Remember these are words on a page and any other nuances are completely lost. The most productive response right now would be to admit your language and explain if this is an anger or anxiety issue. I am sorry that your experience hasn’t been what you wanted and it sounds as if what you really wanted was to do was have a rant and have your ego stroked. But unfortunately most people on here agree with what your parents did and they will call you out when you describe your feelings in such strong terms.

FrancisCrawford
At no point have I done that actually

What a bunch of bollocks, I’m done.

Oh God a poster who doesn't get what she wants and then flounces. It explains a lot about her attitude to her poor mother. Seems like she is the sort of woman who is used to getting her own way or else she tantrums.

OK.
You were right.
Your mum was wrong.
Copy and paste.

She probably didn't want to worry you when it had all turned out ok

Oh wow OP, some posters have been a little harsh but they are correct in saying that your reaction was disproportionate. Its not a "bunch of bollocks"

Your mother didn't deserve an angry reaction, she acted in good faith but just misread how you would have liked this to play out. You should have just calmly told her that next time you would appreciate being kept in the loop at the time an issue occurs, not told about it afterwards

Although I appreciate, as you have clarified in a later post, you have only vented your anger on here and not at you mum

Ah, it’s one of those. Poster posts here in the belief that she is right, that everyone else will agree she is right and that will give her justification for holding on to her anger issues. Except when they didn’t confirm she was right she started name calling and tantrumming.

I’m guessing that given this is the OP’s attitude one of the other reasons why the mum didn’t tell her was because if she had the OP would instead have decided to be fuming over the fact the child got hold of a plug-in.

I read the OP and thought “ah, this is what my mum would have done when mine were little.”

On a different note though, my parents once looked after my animals while I went on holiday. One of them was my dog who had just been treated for a serious health condition and tbh we weren’t sure at that point whether she was going to pull through. I asked my mum at the time “if she dies, you will tell me won’t you?” To which she responded “no of course not. What exactly are you going to be able to do about it?” I was and horrified, but on reflection I realised she was right. She was my dog, my baby, but actually, if she’d died I wasn’t going to rush back to the UK was I? In fact all telling me would have achieved would have been my being dreadfully sad and upset for the rest of my holiday.

As it happened she didn’t die and lived for another good few years after that.

You wanted validation. You didn’t get it here so you flounced. Your mum was definite right not to tell you!

Wish I hadnt bothered giving you my time and my experience in an effort to help you, if you are as ungrateful to your mum as you have been on here then I pity her.

Enjoy your tantrum.

God forbid you should actually reconsider yourself and your acitons and actually learn something

I'd be very surprised if the OP can be so steaming angry online yet not have transmitted some of those feelings to her mother

I don’t think you should have reacted the way you did. Sounds like your anxiety about not being there morphed in to anger at your Mum. Maybe have a chat with her today to make sure all is well. It sounds like you’ve over reacted to the situation and she was just trying to do her best for you. When your lo has grown up you’ll probably do the same for them, bear that in mind now and in the future

Guys, it feels a bit like there are a lot of angry people on here, give the girl a bit of a break. She f’d up, you can stop having a got her now I don’t think she did the right thing but crikey

You haven't actually said what happened with the plug in OP, or why the need for A&E. Was it a massive over reaction on your mums part, or did your DD need medical treatment?

There is no point throwing your toys out of the pram when people don't agree with you. Take it on board, act like an adult; answer people's questions.

She needs to bomb proof the house

DD found a small roller ball with scented oil when crawling around my bedroom, managed to take the ball out (god knows how!) and spill the contents)

My home became very bomb proof after then

I think she was trying to save you extra anguish on a bad day til it was confirmed your child was ok

Are you really pissed off about this or do you just think it’s something you should be pissed off about?

I have 6 grandchildren who I have day to day contact with. I take them to school. I have them when their parents go on holiday. I sit with them when they’re sick and their parents are at work. I also have them just for the sheer joy of it. My children, and I include my children in law in that, are very happy to let me get on with it. Thank god.

Would I have told you a child went to A and E? No, unless it was a serious situation. I’d wait until you were back before bringing it up then and my children would be ok with that.

I think you’re being offended because you think it’s the thing to do.

I am really surprised to your reaction here OP.

There have been a lot of very supportive responses to you. I get that they don’t all support your initial perspective but they generally have come from a place of support.

As others have suggested, I am guesssing you are under a lot of stress, understandable just back from a funeral to find your baby was in hospital, but as other have alluded it is likely that your mothers actions came from a place of caring. Now that you have told her it was misguided, you’d prefer to have known, I am sure she would do differently next time.

Well done for holding your tongue in spite of your disappointment.

You asked if you were being unreasonable and most people said you were. It’s probably because you have had an exhausting weekend and possibly have grief to deal with too.

Be kind to yourself and your Mum. The weekend can’t have been easy for either of you.

If you really don’t want the thread to continue, you can always ask MNHQ to delete the thread.