I want to run away from being mum

[Elfaba]

DD is nearly 5 months. She’s such an unhappy child. Always somewhere between grizzling-screaming at any given moment. Confident it’s not a medical issue- perhaps teething but teething remedies don’t help.

I’ve reached breaking point.

I can’t put her down for more than 20 seconds before she’s crying. Cries in the pram. Cries in the car. Will only nap on me (and screams for ages before finally napping). Sleeps well but wakes at 4.45 for the day.

I can usually just about float but today I’m feeling unwell myself and I. Can’t. Do. This. Much. Longer.

Parter is good with her but works a lot. No local family. Have other mum friends but all have fucking perfect easy babies.

I love my DD but I honestly don’t know how much longer I can continue unless she grows out of this.

Please be kind. I’m breaking

Oh I so feel for you. I've been there with my oldest. She would have meltdowns, once my mum babysat her and she screamed so much she burst blood vessels in her legs. Went to meet friends from work who were a bit taken aback by the state she worked herself in to, they still talk about it. I'm not sure what to say to help because all it took was time. She is the happiest little girl most of the time now, just like any other toddler. We just had to adapt to her and let her be the boss for a while really. Used to be so frustrating when I was tied to the couch too scared to wake her to go to pre-planned meet ups, wasn't worth waking her up because she'd be in an even worse mood than usual. It does pass. I think you just need to look at support from everyone else, take as much as you can get. Maybe speak to a doctor about your own mental health if you think that would help?

Sorry just re-read the bit about no local family. That must be so hard. Would you be in a position to pay a babysitter? I know you probably don't want to do that but as well as your baby needing their mum they need you to be well also. And sometimes that means you do need time to just be you for a while. I'm sure coming in to the summer months will help in that you can get out and walk for a while at least. I'd sometimes be out walking as soon as the sun was rising just to get out.

Sending so much sympathy. I'm you but four months down the line. Screaming or whining practically every second they're awake. Never happy.
I pretty much hate every second of every day, despite loving my baby more than life.

It's got slightly better now they can roll and sit up, but I'm hoping when they can crawl and walk it will ease up. I'm counting on it, I feel like walking out most days.

Really really feel for you. Nobody understands unless they've had a baby like it, everyone who hasn't assumes you're exaggerating.

Thank you miniloco. It’s pathetic really but hearing that others have been through it and survived it is really all that’s keeping me going!

Most days I can stay optimistic but today I’m poorly and feeling low, and have convinced myself that she’s getting worse not better.

I feel awful because it’s mother’s day too- my partner had tried to hard to plan a lovely day and dd and I have just ruined it by both crying all day .

Could you afford childcare 1/2 a day or a day a week to get some respite? Also have you spoken to your HV? At one point I was feeling horrendous with DD1 and my HV said they had people who could come round to for a few hours a week to give you a break.
It might also be worth speaking to your GP or HV about how you're feeling about things

Hi Rory, I’m so sorry that you’re still going through it! I’d heard that things get better as they get more mobile so fingers crossed for both of us.

Yes people seem to think I’m making it up, or cling on to the only thing she does ok and say ‘but at least she sleeps at night’ and I feel like screaming WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 14 HOURS. I would rather still night feeds and have a content baby any day of the week. It’s like psychological torture all day.

Solidarity

Hi Beetlebum. That sounds amazing- maybe I will speak to HV. Just can’t face another patronizing yes dear, well babies DO cry Which is what I seem to get as I am a relatively young mum and clearly didn’t know that

@Elfaba you need one of these

it does pass but it is so awful at the time!

OP I also have a moany baby, 5 month so old. Does yours smile/laugh at all? Has your DC been like this from birth? It's bloody tough. Mine is moany and wakes up at least 4 times in the night (breastfed) and I have a toddler. FML

Are you sure it’s not medically related? Sounds like silent reflux. My DD has that and would scream non stop during the day unless I was holding her. It was no fun and lonely as nobody understood.
It does get better but with our DD the medicine helped enormously and she was put on prescription formula and we had a different baby. She had a cows milk protein allergy too.
I really feel for you, it’s so hard. I would get a second opinion on the medical side maybe. Sending hugs. X

Yeah people really just don't get it do they, "all babies cry". It almost made me feel like I couldn't talk about it because everyone thought I was exaggerating. They just didn't get it until they met her I think! I'd see everyone with their smiley happy babies and get so envious. I don't think I heard her laugh properly til she was over a year. I mean o knew she could do it but she was just never happy! I'd drive around for ages either trying to get her to sleep or keep her asleep in the hope that I'd be able to meet with friends as planned, because if she hadn't napped then no-one would be able to talk for her screaming! My second gets a bit crabby when tired but it's completely different. My first was def a "high needs" baby. I can't say an actual age where I can say that's when things changed they just gradually got better, so subtlety to start with that I hardly noticed!

Oh poor you! Some babies are just hard. My DS1 was I guess normal-ish, DS2 was as easy as possible- the most content baby ever. DS3......dear lord, much as I love him, if he had been first, I’d only have one child! What helped him was a sling....he lived in it, I rarely sat down but it meant I could do stuff and he didn’t cry so much. Slowly recovering now he’s started school!

Be gentle with yourself-unsettled babies can be soul-sapping.

Def worth excluding the things bulldogmum mentioned if you haven't already. My daughter was on gaviscon for silent reflux, I tried colief, and infacol in the early days, different formula and none of it made a difference. She doesn't have any allergies, although I thought about cmpi time and time again but it just didn't fit. I just wanted a fix!

I feel for you so much. My dd2 was such a challenging baby. It was like constantly having nails scraping my brain from the constant screaming and shouting and crying. Even once we figured out it was food allergies coming through my breast milk. Her health symptoms improved. But she was just so intense and just whinged loudly the whole day. She also only slept for 45 minutes at a time.

It got better at about 9.5 months. It's a lot better now. She's 15 months and is such a monkey. She is very strong willed and is a climber and hates being told no. But it is so much better.

It was a massive shock after dd1 who cried a 'normal' amount.

I sympathise so much as it was absolutely horrible. And no one wanted to spend time with me because it was so stressful the sounds she used to make and just the CONSTANT shouting/whining.

But it did get better. And now things are ok.

Does she take a dummy?

Thank you everyone. I’m confident on the medical side becausd she is followed up by peadiatriacians as she was unwell when born. She has had silent reflux and is well medicated now, that presented very differently in her. I’ve literally tried to convince myself it’s cmpa just for a reason But it doesn’t fit. And I borrowed some cmpa milk from a friend and it didn’t help her at all. But my gosh I wish it was something treatable

@cheeky yes actually, in the 5% of the time that she’s not crying she’s very smiley and laughs. She loves interaction. Leads me to think that the cause might just be boredom/neediness more than anything.

Thank you everyone for all your experiences and suggestions. You are making me feel far less isolated

Refuses a dummy. Despite my frequent offers/requests/begs

Never found a teething remedy that worked- other than Calpol.

Is she hungry? You could try weaning early? I weaned mine at five months and two weeks. Guidelines are six months, but they are just guidelines!

Get a sling? Did help me.

You can do this, doesn't feel like it but you can.

Having no family help is extremely hard. I am very envious of friends who’s mums or sisters come in and take the baby while they shower etc. A friend might offer but it’s not the same sense of relief as when it is a family member who loves the baby as much as you do. With a friends help, you always have to feel grateful! It sounds massively patronising but it will pass and soon she will grow up. Still fucking hard though and I feel for you. I also think the ones with the easy babies could be lying so take everything with a pinch of salt!

Also, do you go to any classes? Distraction for her and s break for you

My DS2 was like that OP, so I don’t think for one minute you are making it up! It does need to be seen, otherwise people just don’t believe it, as I know from experience.

It will get better, just do what you can to get through it, it is really hard having such an unsettled baby. I hope things improve very soon for you. And all your friends with “perfect” babies may not be so lucky next time, you never get two the same! DS1 was an absolute dream.

I have a sling but she’s too heavy for it now

I started weaning a little while back thinking that it might be hunger. Didn’t notice a big difference so I’ve put it on hold for a while.

I take her to lots of classes and go out with her at least twice a day. It literally is the only thing keeping me sane! However I feel like she is now getting more irritable and it’s almost getting embarrassing to take her out as I can’t predict her mood swings or control them.

(Sorry, I feel like people are making really helpful suggestions and I’m just shooting them down- I don’t mean to be rude.. I’ve just tried most stuff )

My DD hated being a baby, I swear. She was so desperate to do things, desperate to get control (that's not changed!) But she was very cross and screamy as a baby. Lie-back car seat - forget it! She was even 'expelled' from nursery because she wouldn't just 'go down' for a nap. Luckily she had a toddler sibling, so by about 9 months could interact with them. She became a very sociable toddler.

This isn't a stealth boast but I do think part of the problem is that she was (is) very intelligent. By about 10 months she could obviously understand quite a lot of language, and that helped her no end (so long as I remembered to explain what was happening. She always hated surprises).

@gladys she was expelled from nursery?? That can happen?? Oh my now I’m worrying about her getting kicked out of nursery when I eventually go back to work

I don’t think a baby crying/ whining all the time like this is right! But maybe I’m wrong?! I’ve had a cmpi baby as well as a cmpi / silent reflux baby so can empathize on that front. Realistically though I cannot think she is medicated correctly if she is still so unsettled? Or something else is up? But I don’t want to kick you when down- it can be tough going even with an ‘easy ‘ baby!