I want to run away from being mum

[Elfaba]

DD is nearly 5 months. She’s such an unhappy child. Always somewhere between grizzling-screaming at any given moment. Confident it’s not a medical issue- perhaps teething but teething remedies don’t help.

I’ve reached breaking point.

I can’t put her down for more than 20 seconds before she’s crying. Cries in the pram. Cries in the car. Will only nap on me (and screams for ages before finally napping). Sleeps well but wakes at 4.45 for the day.

I can usually just about float but today I’m feeling unwell myself and I. Can’t. Do. This. Much. Longer.

Parter is good with her but works a lot. No local family. Have other mum friends but all have fucking perfect easy babies.

I love my DD but I honestly don’t know how much longer I can continue unless she grows out of this.

Please be kind. I’m breaking

Hi OP
So sorry things are so hard. I just wanted to offer some hope that things do get better. My little boy has just turned one and is a pure delight, but we had some very difficult and trying times when he was younger. He used to scream or cry at swimming lessons, baby sensory, in the car seat, in the pram, in the sling, shops, coffee shops, you name it. I had to be obsessive about his awake times and prioritise naps over everything else or he would scream and cry endlessly.

I found a baby bjorn bouncer chair and a baby swing helpful. When the weather improved I could take him outside in the bouncer for a change of scene for both of us. Things got infinitely better when he was better able to hold and manipulate toys himself, to sit up and to move himself around independently (rolling/crawling and now walking).

Now he is the happiest little boy, engages really well in baby classes and group sessions and he adores soft play. He is fine in the car and pram now. I can take him into shops and he seems to enjoy it. The polar opposite to how he was a few months ago.

I know it's hard. But things will change and improve. It's all about getting through one day at a time, the phases will pass, they really will.

I found the fussy baby book really helpful. It made me see that some babies have more needs than others and it isn't anything you do or don't do. You just learn to mother the baby you have to the best of your ability. I felt really judged by some of my nct group and others but that book really resonated with me and helped me to see that I wasn't alone in having a baby who needed holding and cuddling more than most and that those days wouldn't be forever.

My youngest needed held all the time, and I had an epiphany where I realised if I put the time in then, it might pay dividends. And it did - he was much more secure toddler onwards.

Only other thing I could suggest is an osteopath. I didn’t try this route myself - but I was at one recently (who seemed very good) and he happened to mention the success they’d had with unhappy babies. I can’t remember why it came up. Maybe someone else has experience

My middle DC was like this; I really feel for you.
The biggest breakthrough for me was when he got going with food. He started to sleep well and although he was still irritable in the day , at least he could be put down overnight from about 7 months... he would also nap better.
My other lifesaver was to be out of the house. I was at some sort of group 4/5 days and at Tesco on the fifth. I would be in the park at 8.00 am and back again after group/ lunch for thaafternoon until tea/ Bath / bed.

take her to lots of classes and go out with her at least twice a day.

This might not be remotely helpful but my son was like this and it took me ages to realise that what he really wanted was routine - he HAD to nap at certain times each day and if I didn't get him down before he was overtired there was absolute hell to pay. At 5 months he started getting cross after about 2 hours awake time so he was still on 3 naps a day, sometimes 4. He would ONLY nap in the buggy but it had to be in a dark room, indoors, with LOUD white noise on. Meant we basically had to stop baby groups as he would not nap outside and it was just not worth interfering with nap time. Honestly once we got him into a proper routine he was a completely different baby. Even now at two years old he's a monster if he doesn't get his nap (though he will at least nap outside or in the car now).

I had to be obsessive about his awake times and prioritise naps over everything else or he would scream and cry endlessly.

Snap, my DS was the same. Everyone else thought I was neurotic and rigid about his routine but it was lead by him, not me!!

OP you could be me! Massive sympathies as I feel very much the same a lot of the time with my 4mo DD. She is rarely content for any length of time and it's such hard work. I love her so much but I'm not a 'natural' with babies and just don't know how I'm supposed to entertain such a little person all day long.

Her naps are dreadful so I never get any time to myself during the day and she hates her pram, carrier and car seat. Today we went out for afternoon tea for Mother's Day and I ended up in tears and left early because DD screamed (and I mean SCREAMED) the entire time. It was so embarrassing and stressful and has put me off wanting to take her anywhere again. It's crap 😞 also hating all the smug Instagram posts from other new mums and mum bloggers (you know the vomit-inducing posts about how they are so grateful their precious little angel baba chose them to be their mummy blah blah blah 🙄), they definitely don't help when I'm feeling low even though I know it's mainly for show.

I'm sure it will pass and hey those mums with perfect babies right now might end up with horror toddlers!

Wasthatplace hi! I’m so sorry you had a really difficult day yesterday too. I think it being Mother’s Day made it worse as it was meant to be all amazing and relaxing... erm nope not for our dd’s. Hope things get better for you too soon

I thought for a minute I was reading an old post of mine just with DS changed to DD! Had exactly the same experience as you, the constant crying and shouting, the inability to go to sleep without screaming for ages first. I tried everything I could think of and don't want to think about the amount of money I spent trying to get him to stop crying.

For us it all changed when he became mobile at 7-8 months. Suddenly I had this amazing happy little boy who also started to sleep better. He is now 2 and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He does of course have tantrums because he is 2 but they are pretty low key to be honest and he is generally a pretty laid back boy just very active. He goes into his cot at 7 and chats to himself for half an hour before falling asleep. It's amazing!

DS is fairly advanced in terms of his language and his desire to be independent so I think his brain was ready for stuff and as a baby his body wasn't playing ball so he was frustrated.

Oh and he has always been fine at nursery, so a difficult baby at home doesn't necessarily mean problems at nursery. I think nursery have him the stimulation he needed.

@osopolar yes let’s not think about the money sleepyhead, swings, different prams, different car seats, osteopath, white noise machine... it’s ludicrous. And now I’m even considering going back to see another osteopath in case this one is better than the last and no I cannot really afford all these things .

I’m hoping my baby, as several of you have commented, just hates being a baby and will be more context when mobile.

Someone (sorry I’ve completely lost track
Now!) mentioned that their parents always remind them that they were a difficult baby- this is the case for me too. I am told at every opportunity how I screamed from 3 months to 2 years. Really doesn’t make me feel better about my position when they say this either :(

@MessyBun247 your post has made my day. Your first two paragraphs sum up my baby/life right now spot on. Knowing it will get better is the only way I can get through.

Don’t go back to an osteopath- I know I suggested it. But if you’ve already tried it just leave it, you’ll keep going back and probably for nothing.

Sometimes baby’s just need different things. My niece was really irritable as a baby (still pretty hot tempered), I was babysitting once and got her to sleep in a darkened room rocking her silently in her pram. Her dad had been bouncing her on his knee thinking she wanted the stimulation. Problem was she was too easily stimulated, and needed sensory deprivation to get to sleep.

Babies are all different and the trick is finding out what suits them. Good luck.

My little girl is now nearly 18 months and was such a difficult baby. She cried and whinged and cried some more. People would say "Oh she's only tiny just cuddle her", only I cuddled her and cuddled her and it didn't really help which made me feel like an even worse mum. I also had the "it'll get better at 6 weeks/3 months/6 months" which again just made me feel worse when it didn't materialise.

I don't think there ever was one moment it got better, just a very gradual improvement over time. Now she is still so strong willed, can be very hard work and if she is having a bad day the neighbors definitely know about it! But she is also smiley, funny, cheeky and generally lovely to be around. The good does now outweigh the difficult - this time last year I don't think I would have believed that. As previous posters have mentioned when she crawled I think that helped a bit, and walking definitely helped. But to warn you it got worse before it got better - while she was learning to crawl and walk she was very, very angry!

She started nursery at about a year and I was dreading it, because she was so hard work even for me. She cried for the first six sessions, and then overnight decided she loved it. She loves all the activities and busyness and happily goes in in the morning. Starting nursery was a real turning point for her to. I think before she was crying lots, so I was getting stressed and she was sensing my stress and crying more and so I got more stressed etc...having three days a week break from each other while she was at nursery broke that vicious circle.

The only thing I would say is if you are feeling really low or anxious about it speak to your GP. I was diagnosed with PND when she was 7 months. Once that was treated I felt emotionally better able to deal with the crying. I didn't go for ages because I thought I only felt down because she was a difficult baby, and so it wasn't PND as I would have been fine with an easier baby. I realize now possibly yes I would have been less down with an easier baby, but having a harder baby can definitely trigger PND which is still very treatable.

I'm sorry I have written a massively long post and not really offered any advice. I just remember so well how hard it was, and I am in so much of a better place now and I just wanted to offer you a bit of reassurance. You are doing a good job, and one day you will realise you do actually quite like being a mum...but don't beat yourself up if it takes a while!

DS was like this. It’s exhausting especially when everyone else’s babies seem so settled. Things that worked for us:

1. Dummy - persisted, a lot, as he wasn’t keen reallly
2. A good sling
3. Lowering expectations/understanding that lots of this behaviour was in the normal range
4. Fresh air (in sling not buggy as he too hated that).
5. Not doing too much during the day. He definitely got overataimulated easily so baby sensory classes etc were hideous until 7/8 months. Even then he wasn’t keen.
6. Time - he was better with every milestone sitting, crawling etc.

He is a relatively easy 3yr old now but the first 8/9m were unbelievably hard. He still gets a bit manic after a busy day though.