I want to run away from being mum

[Elfaba]

DD is nearly 5 months. She’s such an unhappy child. Always somewhere between grizzling-screaming at any given moment. Confident it’s not a medical issue- perhaps teething but teething remedies don’t help.

I’ve reached breaking point.

I can’t put her down for more than 20 seconds before she’s crying. Cries in the pram. Cries in the car. Will only nap on me (and screams for ages before finally napping). Sleeps well but wakes at 4.45 for the day.

I can usually just about float but today I’m feeling unwell myself and I. Can’t. Do. This. Much. Longer.

Parter is good with her but works a lot. No local family. Have other mum friends but all have fucking perfect easy babies.

I love my DD but I honestly don’t know how much longer I can continue unless she grows out of this.

Please be kind. I’m breaking

Hi Elfaba, sorry to hear you're suffering, and all I can offer is that in time it will get easier. My dd1 was like this. Such such hard work, only wanted to be held. Like you say she slept well at night and everyone thought I should be grateful for that. I would have much preferred a broken night sleep and the chance to even get a sip of water during he day without being screamed at....anyway she is 2.9 months now and is so adorable, she's still very clingy and hard work/ strong willed when it comes to getting her dressed, nappy changed etc. but her personality is amazing, so much fun, so interesting, so smart...maybe she just needed that attention?

I now have dd2 who is almost 3 months. She is an easy baby and is a shock to me that they actually exist! I put her in her cot or chair and she amuses herself! She drifts off to sleep, she wakes and smiles at her mobile and lets me cook, clean, play with DD1. I worry there's something wrong with her as she's so easy. She doesn't sleep well at night but I don't care, I stand by my wish for an easier day.

It's probably easier to get the difficult child out of the way first so maybe there's hope for you if you have another?

I always said mine had FOMO. Happy in my arms, not snuggling, looking around, flight day time sleep with every ounce of energy she had and wanted my attention all the time. But she did progressively get better with each milestone. Especially walking and talking. Thought separation anxiety was an absolute killer.....don't get me started on it

Elfaba I don't think it was a very good nursery tbh. If they'd put her with the older kids she's probably have been fine.

Hi OP,
I am confident that as others have said that it will get better and it will help to arrange everything around keeping you and your D as calm as possible.
In the long run, I wanted to share something that maybe obvious to you, but wasn’t to my Mother. I was that baby and my mother has never let me forget it. All through my childhood and most of my adulthood, every single chance she got to get to tell people how difficult and horrible it was she took.
It is one of the factors that has led to my own emotional difficulties. It is just a small part of a larger dysfunction in my family, but I thought you might want to hear about my experience.
Take every opportunity you can to rest and take care of yourself.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. All babies are different. My mums a midwife and she said my older brother was a little fussy but not bad, I was an angel (only to become the worst behaved child from ages 4-10 apparently) and my little brother was the devil incarnate and was exactly like your baby is. Nothing to do with being a first time mum, just unlucky to get a difficult baby first time around.

Lol at the FOMO sustaina - funnily enough you've reminded me that my mum tells me I had such terrible fomo I would make her go back and do whatever it was she had done while I wan't there all over again! So perhaps it runs in families!

Please don't worry elfaba, but it might be worth checking out how flexible the nursery is willing to be, if you are in the fortunate position of having a choice.

More practically, is there any chance your partner can work less - can you start back at work sooner but very art time for example? Not sure if you are still ebf, but assume won't be for more than a couple of months now?

I well remember the utter desperation of being home alone with a baby for long day after long day when DH was out. Luckily I was able to start back at work the odd day here and there and he took over, which made such a difference.

The worst thing was I remember feeling such a failure, thinking i "ought" to be able to do this, what had I done wrong which meant my babies wouldn't sit gurgling happily in their bouncy chairs when it seemed to me that everyone else's did... and neither of mine was as difficult as yours. I shouldn't have felt like that of course, but there was no mumsnet back then.. :'(

Anyhow they both became utterly delightful toddlers.

@Elfaba, so sorry to hear you are struggling. You are doing your best and I would suggest persevering with the groups, not for baby but for you.

My DD was exactly the same and I vividly remember coming home from a taster class upset that she’d been the only baby needing to be calmed down all the way through and I was exhausted and just wanted her to cry at someone else for 8 hours. I didn’t do classes with her as I found them too expensive to just sit holding her but I did go to children’s centres and church groups. One of the staff members at the children’s centre almost immediately identified DD as “just not liking being a baby” and that summed her up perfectly. She would be smiley with me and DH but absolutely scream whenever anyone else visited which then put people off coming to visit and she was terribly clingy for 6 months.
However she changed completely as soon as she could walk. I think she realised that she had some freedom and some choice then and she’s now a happy toddler.
It really is hard when you’re going through it and there were days where my DD cried all day and I felt like it was just me. So please know that it will pass and you are not alone. If you need to message me then I’ll be here.

My 2 year old DS had Slap Cheek last week.
So DS had Slap Cheek last week and had all the usual signs. Red cheeks, temperature and the lace rash over his limbs and torso. But today he has a very red rash on both arms and the back of his neck. It's not raised or appears to be itchy. DS doesn't have a temperature or seems under the weather and he was playing normally with DD today. Is this just a left over from Slap Cheek or should we high tail it to A&E.
DS isn't allergic to anything and he hasn't had anything new to eat.
Advice please.

Thank you everyone

Hi Elfaba

My son was very similar although he did have a few medical issues, but in general unless all attention was on him he would be very unhappy. Car journeys were horrible. I stopped going out to groups with other parents and just did things by myself with him. Now he is the sweetest, most caring very self sufficient four year old. He is just very sociable and struggled being on his own when he couldn’t understand why. I put his car seat in the front of the car - made car journeys instantly easier. Thought he would struggle with new sibling but he is now very good at entertaining himself and understands why sometimes he will be on his own whilst I deal with DD.

Is your daughter an only child? I would recommend going along with her wants whilst you are able to. Once she starts to understand her world more she will improve. Also I agree with other posters that intelligent children sometimes struggle with the “baby phase” as they want to do more but are frustrated by their own limitations in movement and language.

It will get easier just try to go with her snd not force her into situations. I learnt the hard way with my DM telling me “well when you were a baby you just sat there/fell asleep for your nap/smiled all the time” etc etc. It didn’t help and made me feel like my son and I were doing it all wrong. Once I went along with him and adapted my parenting style to suit him we managed a lot better 😄

I know every else has said it...but it gets easier!! One day soon you will realise you have more easier moments than hard ones, and smile. Good luck and all the best.

I know how you feel, I've been at the mentally walking away point more than once. I can say it gets better (honestly, it really does) but I know that doesn't help right now.

Have you got a "Home Start" in your area? They help out families and I've gone to a "Parents Group" run by them for a while now, that focuses on the parent not child and that really gave me people to talk to. They also do home visits (sort of befriending people who need it i think) although I never took advantage of that.

Hope things improve for you soon, op.

Thanks again.
It’s just frustrating as when she was tiny everyone said it’ll get better at 8 weeks... then she didn’t and they said 3 months... and I’m still waiting :(

I’m sorry I don’t have any decent advice, I just wanted to say that I’ve been there too and wanted (really really wanted) to run away from my angry baby. It got better as the months ticked by.
I hope you can power through and start seeing some better days x

Save your own sanity OP, go for long walks and face her forward in the pram (sit her up as much as possible, even if she's not able to sit up unaided it's fine as long as she's well supported) and put an earphone in so you have music perhaps? It might not work for everyone but I found it helped me to feel less like I'd been screamed at all day if I'd had a period where dd wasn't screaming in my face iyswim? The Jumperoo was a godsend for dd too, I think because she felt 'held' and could stand up and kick, she hated her bouncer and swing. Once she walked she was much better, she started at 10.5m so I think a lot of it was frustration. and for you, it's so hard!

I meant to put 9.5m, not 10.5!

Sounds like my daughter was and we figured she had reflux. It made her uncomfortable to lie down so she would cry in the pram as well. I could not lie her down ever or she would scream. I had a bouncer that kept her upright that helped. Or I had to walk her in a carrier upright. I could never take her for a walk in stroller as a baby when she was at lying down stage. She would mainly just cry! Difficult, but she outgrew this eventually. Good luck!

@Elfaba oh I feel your pain DD was like this.

She came out screaming and never stopped. If she wasn’t feeding (badly) or asleep (also badly) she was crying. Non. Fucking. Stop! We took her to a walk-in once as she’d cried solidly for 9 hours! I kid you not!

It got better when she took to sucking a blanket for comfort (she’d refused dummies since birth). She took to a Cellular Blanket that she would rub on side of her face and suck on the blanket itself. Gross but it calmed her right down and she was very different after that. I bought many of those blankets and she carried them round for years!

Every child is different but they do change and the screaming crying doesn’t last forever. DD is still quick to tears even now at 11 but those blankies saved my sanity.

I’m sure your LO will settle soon or something will change and you will get through this

Ps all my mum friends had easy babies too. Bastards!

Sorry you are having to go through this. If she was happy in the sling is it worth getting another for a larger baby? My son was quite demanding, and actually wasn't happy in a sling, but I bought an ergo 360 and he was very happy forward facing (still infrequently goes on my back in it at 3 yrs). He got a lot less demanding once he could walk as he could entertain himself. I got the usual 'oh he's walking you're in trouble now...' comments, but actually it was amazing! He now plays happily on his own (as well as with me and others!).

I've been there too. I find babies so much harder than young children. People told me it will get easier and harder in other ways. I find it has got easier the older they are (4&6), but I also find the harder bit of my children easier than the harder bit of a baby, if that makes sense! Hang on in there X

I feel your pain OP it's truly torture.

Don't stop going out to groups- no one else cares if she's crying. Keep sane, keep busy keep going!

Presumably you've bought all the gadgets? The swing etc? It does get a bit easier when they are more able to entertain themselves.

My son screamed if not being held or being pushed in a buggy. I was on my knees with exhaustion. He's just turned 4 and is a joy. A full on, at times hard work joy but the wonderful now outweighs the awful.

It does get better! (And all those with 'perfect' babies are stressing too I promise)

It's horrible isn't it. I've had times when I've just wanted to walk out and not deal with it all anymore.

Dd has always been a very high needs baby (not helped by colic and silent reflux in the early days). Honestly, the only thing that helped really was time. She's 18 months today and most of the time (nights when she's teething aside) she's a delight. Still very wilful, but good fun and a really sweet personality.

I think a pp said about some babies not liking being babies... I think this sums up dd. Once she started talking, which she did pretty early, she got a lot easier. Being able to communicate chilled her out a lot, and she's got better and better as her language has progressed.

Some babies are just hard. It's not a reflection on you, and finding it too much at times doesn't make you a bad Mum.

‘My DD hated being a baby, I swear. She was so desperate to do things, desperate to get control (that's not changed!) But she was very cross and screamy as a baby. Lie-back car seat - forget it!’

This very much describes my DD2. Car seat, pram, buggy, highchair, bouncy chair...PAH hated them all. Just wanted carried (facing outwards only, no desire for cuddles) all day every day so she could see and touch everything. She just hated being trapped in a pathetic baby body when all she wanted to do was run about and get into mischief. Whinge bloody whinge all day every day, I got pretty much zero enjoyment from her first year. I was so anxious all the time waiting for the moaning to kick off yet again. Woke up in the morning dreading the day ahead because I knew it would be more of the same.

It gradually gets better the more mobile they get. DD is 2 now and very, very active, strong-willed, bossy, speaks in full sentences and is also a funny, smart, cheeky little delight. We have fun together and laugh every day. Toddler tantrums are nothing compared to her babyhood.

Just sending you . It’s hard but it will get better. If you can do ANYTHING to make life a bit easier then do it.

I’m on my third child and some are just like this! Hang in there, it gets better. My son can be put down for 20 mins max before the crying starts, will only nap on me or in the pushchair and doesn’t sleep at night. Needs to be carried all the time. My dd was easier than this one but my firstborn was exactly the same! All I can say is ride it out, carry them everywhere, feed them often and let them sleep on you and it will get better. Hugs! Somehow they do miraculously become happier, contented kids

OMG I wish we'd had Mumsnet back then. I WASN'T ALONE!!

Another good reasons for your OH to take some of the strain might be if he is bigger/stronger than you, he might be able to carry her more? I did try the backpack with DS for a bit, he could peep over my shoulder eg when I was cooking, but it was knackering, DH could take the weight more easily.

(I did used to have them in the sling facing forward a lot when they were smaller, though a bit nerve-wracking using knives when they were trying to join in...)