How to help dd4 share better with her little sister

[BellyBean]

Any tips for getting a just turned 4yo to be less possessive with her toys? DD2 is 6mo so usually just wants to suck on a piece of toy fruit or something, but the knocking down towers phase is looming!

DD1 likes to take DD2's toys away and DD2 can't be allowed anythain't that's hers even if she's totally grown out out of it and shown no interest.

Standard behaviour I think but there must be a better way!

We had this with mine. There is just over 4 year between them.
The big one always wants to check the baby toys before they get passed on.. that is allowed. But he has to let her play with them too. If he wouldnMt give them up, sometimes we just said he had to. If he still wanted to, we said he was a bag and had to go to bed in a cot. He loves being a baby and plays it quite a bit. But as kinda as he knows his sister is the real baby i’m Happy with that.

As for her playing with his toys (and licking them). He is allowed to close his bedroom door to stop her going in. But that means that we can’t play with him (because we have to stay with the baby) so he doesn’t do that too often. In fact this weekend he specifically asked dad to play Lego with him in his bedroom and invited his sister in too.

But we are 2 years down the line now (2 and 6!)

I try and make sure that I am not constantly asking her to share because that's annoying. So if it's duplo or something similar where you have lots, absolutely she needs to share. But if it's a specific doll that dd1 is playing with then dd2 has to find something else because dd1 got there first and it's not fair to ruin her game.

Sharing is an odd concept. As adults we rarely share (when was the last time your friend came along and took your clothes, make up and car and you were just happy to go along with it?) and it is a more difficult thing for children who are less emotionally mature than adults.

Try buying something for the baby that the 4 year old would really like and getting the baby to share 'her' toy with the 4 year old. Make a big deal of how kind the baby is to share etc.

I also used to do 'quick' turns with things so maybe 2 mins each playing with something then swap - eventually one child would decide the other could have it and wander off to do something more interesting.

Anything special or breakable - no, ds1 (4) doesn't have to share.

Anything that is appropriate for a baby (ds2 is 9m) then yes he does. Not while he's playing with it, but he absolutely doesn't get to decide what ds2 does or doesn't play with. That's not fair, and giving too much power to a sibling imo. Luckily, in a way, because of the 4y age gap, most of ds1's toys aren't suitable for the baby, so the ones that are, ds1 is happy to share.

It also works both ways. Ds1 really enjoys some of ds2's toys and repurposes them into his role play/imagination games, and I always let him (again, as long as ds2 isn't playing with it that moment, or it's going to break with ds1's rougher play).

Also one piece of advice for the time when the baby is crawling and turns into a human wrecking ball - try to get a playpen. I didn't have one with ds1 but it's so useful with two of them! It means I can either put ds2 in there while ds1 and I play a game we don't want ruined, or it allows ds1 to get some of his fiddly toys out. Or if ds1 wants some extended play with his Lego/playmobil, I put him in there so he can play properly, and ds2 can happily explore outside the playpen, safely.

It also takes a lot of the arguments out of sharing/playing, because it was getting incredibly annoying for ds1 when ds2 kept ruining things he was playing with.

I did get a decent sized one, mind you - I'm not shutting a 4yo in a cage, I promise

Does DD4 have to share everything? Just to warn you of my point of view comes from that of a chippy eldest sister, but I would really double check you assumption that DD shoukd share everything.

Even if you think she should have to share unbreakable things, think about what that means. My younger sisters sucked and slobbered over, and eventually trashed a number of/all of my nice soft toys. Baby slobber makes them go all crusty and smelly. So while they couldn't break them they could ruin them.

Could you try and get your DD to try to play with the 6 month old. Easier said than done I know. But could she have play 'served' the plastic fruit to the baby?

Thanks for the tips. We were thinking DD1 gets to decide certain toys that are precious and not for dd2 (and theoretically the same for dd2 tho apart from her comfort blanket she doesn't have anything yet). Those are out of bounds.

And apart from that anything age appropriate should be shared (toys with lots of pieces not one doll)

But it seems mean somehow that toys bought for DD1 aren't really hers. I guess that's what happens with siblings?

Yes, DD1 is getting better playing with dd2, and I do 'suitable swap' so DD1 has to get a different toy and dd2 has to like it before DD1 gets her toy back.

It's the attitude to her toys thats the issue, so possessive. It seems a challenge to change the attitude.

*dd2 does have toys - just not precious ones!

We are in the middle of this

Dd 4.11 and ds 16 months

She doesnt want to share her things but wants to play with his things
He doesnt understand sharing and wants EVERYTHING

We have toys that we only play with when younger DC is napping. This has evolved as DC2 has got older and can play nicely with more things. Aside from that then it’s the same rules for siblings as play dates or toddler grps. Ie if you aren’t playing with it then it’s fair game. If you want something the other has you ask to have a turn and if they say no then tough shit you have to wait until they are finished with it. Mine are not quite 2 and not quite 4 so turn taking is a bit too advanced especially for the little one so we keep it simple. Not saying wr don’t have arguments and tantrums but it mostly works for us.

I think you've got 2 different challenges - the knocking down towers - incredibly frustrating for older 1. Can only suggest separating them/saving it for nap time or getting dd1 to enjoy knocking down things you've built to appreciate why younger 1 thinks It's fun.
In terms of sharing depends on level of understanding - this works better with my 6 year old now, but still causes issues with 3 year old sister occasionally but I've done it since about 4.5. I explain to dd1 that if I have to go and buy the same toys again for dd2 there won't be any space/money for buying older toys, so It's much better to give the "boring baby toys" to younger sibling.
Also tons of praise for good playing together/taking turns/sharing.
Good luck!

Obviously dd1 is allowed to keep "special/precious toys" in her room.

Thanks for the advice. Funnily enough DD1 has been happier to share this week. Don't think it's anything I've done.