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Original poster

AIBU to think when I’m sick DH should get up to baby?

78 replies

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 06:23

Hi, I’ve been up in the night throwing up with diarrhoea and bad nausea and stomach cramps to point I’ve been in a lot of pain; this has caused bad headaches. I’m frightened to sip water incase it sets it off again. We have 11 month old ds who is frequently waking up in the night at the moment and heavy. I get up with him every night as dh goes to work early. Should dh have seen to him last night? In the morning he had cheek to say ‘Oh I would have got him.’ With a thumping headache I could have swung for him as the answer is no he wouldn’t have as chose to ignore ds’s crying and knew about it as he was awake at the time and chose to do nothing.
Is it me are us women left with the raw need of the deal while men just seem to get away with everything? I feel that unwell at the moment I don’t know how I’ll get out of bed again when ds wakes up. Dh has one leave day left which he could have used today and let me to have slept last night. To add insult to injury he hasn’t even asked how I was feeling this morning and has just gone to work. I could cry. Sorry about all of this I think I needed a moan.

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 09:29

Thank you for your lovely replies x

It’s not like he has to make meals or anything for ds as they’re all in freezer. I batch cook so his lunches and dinners are always prepared. All dh has to do is heat them up. Hopefully he can manage that. You’re right he needs to be more hands on. I’m not budging from this bed so he’ll have to cope. Thanks again everyone.

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mindutopia · 14/02/2018 09:45

Yes, of course, mine got up for nearly every night waking to help me until ours was 9 months and then after that we shared the nighttime parenting (even now, if she were to wake, she's 5). He was working full-time while also starting a business in the evenings and weekends, so working well over 40 hours a week. They will not die if they wake up a bit during the night. When I'm sick, he does everything, just like I do when he's sick.

tomhazard · 14/02/2018 14:14

If I was ill and DH didn't wake (rare for him not to hear tbh) I would just wake him up and he would go. It would not be a big deal. You should have just woken him im sure he would have done it

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BellyBean · 14/02/2018 14:22

DH cancelled a day at work where he had 6 meetings without me even asking when I had d&v and a 3 mo.

He left me in bed all day and only popped up for me to feed DD, and to make sure I had enough cooled boiled water etc.

Your DH is an arse.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2018 16:36

I think some women simply don't understand that somebody has got to turn up at work and do a days work or else there'd be no food on the table and no mortgage or rent paid. This martyred mummy stuff gets a bit wearying.

Hidingtonothing · 14/02/2018 17:57

Posts like yours confuse me Vivienne, how do you envisage all these 'martyred mummy's' managing with small DC whilst simultaneously puking and shitting through the eye of a needle?!! I don't think anyone is suggesting people take time off work willy nilly but some illnesses are just not compatible with looking after children, do you honestly think fathers bear no responsibility for the care of their children under those circumstances? Confused

spagbol11 · 14/02/2018 18:02

OP I remember having food poisoning I was in the bathroom for 13 hours I couldn’t move I was so ill and having a 11mo and 7 yo. And my dp left me to go to work, I ended up not taking my 7yo to school so he could help me. I’ve never forgiven him and still bring it up now

NameChange30 · 14/02/2018 20:03

“I think some women simply don't understand that somebody has got to turn up at work and do a days work or else there'd be no food on the table and no mortgage or rent paid. This martyred mummy stuff gets a bit wearying.”

What bollocks.
A. Some women are actually going to work, putting food on the table and paying the mortgage! Amazing in 2018, I know! Shock Hmm
B. Most employees (as opposed to self-employed people) actually get paid sick leave, and some of them even get paid time off to look after dependants (eg for illness or childcare falling through). Also amazing!! Shock Shock

I’m a mother. I have a paid job. I occasionally take the day off because my son is too sick to go to nursery or my husband is too sick to look after him. And my husband sometimes takes the day off when we need him to (even though he is a contractor and doesn’t get paid for it) because... shock horror... he is a parent too Shock

sthitch · 14/02/2018 23:36

Yes he should have helped you! I had a bug the other week and was feeling so weak I could barely lift my DD- luckily my DH was off work and could help, I mentioned that if I continued to be ill the following day that I might need to ask a close member of his family (as I have none locally) to help me, my DH was like how ridiculous blah blah blah you have to get on with it. Luckily I was fine, but the family member even said that I should have asked them, so they clearly understood. They just don’t get it do they! I think it’s almost worse when you get a bug as you have had many bad nights sleep already so you’re kind of on the back burner!

Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 11:29

Hi all, quick update. DH has stepped up and took care of things yesterday only for our boiler to break down on same day. Emergency call out yesterday to get it fixed and a massive charge and lengthy repair! All of the hassle hindered my recover to say the least and I didn’t get the rest I needed. Dh taken today off too and I’m resting up today. Turns out I have food poisoning...hope this year gets better! Valentine’s Day from hell yesterday

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 11:31

Dh was also on nighttime duty last night and ds didn’t wake once and dh xomment s on what an amazing sleep he had; Sod’s law!

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 12:02

comments*

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timeisnotaline · 15/02/2018 15:01

Ahaha yes Sod’s law always wins. But your dh stepping up and taking two days off work is actually a great Valentine’s Day win :)

Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 15:17

Haha I think it was certainly a culture shock for him

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Parker231 · 15/02/2018 15:25

How come your DH has never looked after his DS on his own?

Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 15:42

He has just not for a whole day

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 15:44

I think today he may as well have been at work for what he’s done as he’s treated he more a weekend day if I’m honest

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 15:44

it more like a weekend*

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Babdoc · 15/02/2018 16:02

I think it’s inexcusable if husbands don’t share the childcare, and especially when their wives are ill.
My husband died when our babies were 11 months and 2 years old respectively, and I had to raise them alone while working as a hospital doctor.
I remember the sheer exhaustion of vomiting all night with norovirus, while having to cope with both babies being ill with it too, with my nearest relative 250 miles away. If my much loved husband had still been alive, he would never have made me cope with that alone.
He was always a very caring father, including the tough bits like nappies, dealing with sick and getting up at night, bless him.
Please don’t let these pathetic excuses of men get away with their selfish behaviour- you’re just making your own life a martyrdom and you will start to resent that, which will begin to poison your relationship.
Better to establish some rules about chore sharing right from the start!

Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 16:22

To top it off dh announces yesterday morning he had a Valentine’s card for me and then I said I didn’t get him one (we had agreed not to this year) so he decided to withhold it for next year (who does this?) i don’t know why he announced it and didn’t just give me it when I was ill in bed.

Babdoc I’ve just cried reading your post. I’m so sorry, how tragic and awful. The very best are taken from us too soon. Flowers

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 16:44

then he blocks me from MN using the internet connection as has realised I’m putting our problem on here. Got him to reconnect it but I’m very upset as I don’t know if he’s accessing my account

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Original poster
GlitterCity · 15/02/2018 16:44

s*

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Babdoc · 15/02/2018 17:16

I wonder if you should consider some form of mediation, such as relationship counselling? Your husband’s behaviour seems to be verging towards controlling and point scoring, which is worrying.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you with my life story - I just wanted to show that I understood what it’s like to have to cope on your own with sick kids! I’ve been widowed for 26 years now, my daughters are grown up and I’ve recently retired, so I managed to get through it all. I still miss my lovely husband, but one of the advantages of my faith- apart from the comfort and support of my church - is the knowledge that I will be reunited with him eventually. I doubt I could have coped without that! I do hope you manage to have a constructive conversation with your husband, with or without a mediator, to just calmly lay down some ground rules about who does what in the home, and what level of support is reasonable with the childcare. Good luck!

NameChange30 · 15/02/2018 18:09

OP if you are still reading please make sure you change your Mumsnet username and password but also your phone pin, email password, etc.

NameChange30 · 15/02/2018 18:10

I also suggest you get this thread moved to Relationships or start a new thread there, maybe under a new username.