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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to think when I’m sick DH should get up to baby?

78 replies

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 06:23

Hi, I’ve been up in the night throwing up with diarrhoea and bad nausea and stomach cramps to point I’ve been in a lot of pain; this has caused bad headaches. I’m frightened to sip water incase it sets it off again. We have 11 month old ds who is frequently waking up in the night at the moment and heavy. I get up with him every night as dh goes to work early. Should dh have seen to him last night? In the morning he had cheek to say ‘Oh I would have got him.’ With a thumping headache I could have swung for him as the answer is no he wouldn’t have as chose to ignore ds’s crying and knew about it as he was awake at the time and chose to do nothing.
Is it me are us women left with the raw need of the deal while men just seem to get away with everything? I feel that unwell at the moment I don’t know how I’ll get out of bed again when ds wakes up. Dh has one leave day left which he could have used today and let me to have slept last night. To add insult to injury he hasn’t even asked how I was feeling this morning and has just gone to work. I could cry. Sorry about all of this I think I needed a moan.

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userabcname · 14/02/2018 07:21

Sorry you're poorly OP. That sounds horrible, he absolutely should have helped you. I agree with calling him to come home and then you can go back to bed. Utterly selfish behaviour, he needs to get a grip.

NameChange30 · 14/02/2018 07:21

Ok I think you need to go away for the weekend by yourself and leave DH to look after DS.

Fitzsimmons · 14/02/2018 07:22

Have you got any diorlyte sachets OP? That will help with dehydration.

You need to have a firm word with your DP. Presumably you both took the decision to have kids and he needs to start taking responsibility for that decision.

My DH works long hours. I work two days a week. We share the night wakings and if one of us is ill the other always takes over, no discussion even needed as it's the right thing to do.

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 07:25

Thanks NameChange30 and timeisnotaline that’s exactly it. If he had have let me sleep I wouldn’t feel so unwell today maybe. I’m calling him when he gets in because he won’t be there yet at the moment.

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 07:26

Haha that’s just it namechange dh has never looked after ds for a full day and doesn’t understand. I think he needs a father son bonding day with no input from me at all so he can understand.

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 07:28

Thanks Fitzsimmons I will ask dh to pick them up on his way back home. All of you lovely ladies are right maybe i am being too soft and this has to change.

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Quartz2208 · 14/02/2018 07:31

He should have done it and he should be with you. You are being too soft on him. Unless there is something urgent at work he should have taken the day off

timeisnotaline · 14/02/2018 07:34

And don’t be fobbed if with ‘oh I would have.. why didnt you SAY’ Just say stonily I did, but I guess I know now that even if you’re throwing up and have asked me for help you’re not sick until you’ve shouted at me that you are sick and demanded help. It’s not even help for me mostly, I’m just asking you to parent. You get sick leave from your work.

Hidingtonothing · 14/02/2018 07:43

Felt my blood pressure shoot up when I read he was talking to me and said he’d get ds if he woke up and heard me say but couldn’t get up, my DH has form for this shit and it gives me the rage like nothing else. I have no solution to offer just total empathy and understanding, there's nothing worse than being offered/promised help when you're feeling lousy only to be let down and have to manage on your own when you thought you'd have help.

If you can manage it later it might be worth a calm conversation (when the rage has subsided enough) where you clearly tell him what you need from him in those situations, in the hope that next time will be different. Didn't work in my case (for reasons too long winded to go into) and my strategy now is not to believe him when he says he will wake up and help so at least I can't be disappointed, but you might have better luck!

Hope you're feeling better really soon and that you manage to get through today ok. Sending you a bracing hug (although I'm wearing a HAZMAT suit to deliver it, I really don't need D&V atm ) and for when you feel better

DwangelaForever · 14/02/2018 07:46

In my experience from having my DD and my husband, if you want him to do something - ask him. Just expecting him to do something and not telling him how you feel will lead to resentment which is a death sentence for your relationship. I know it maybe seems obvious to us as mothers that if DH was sick we would take over but this isn't always obvious to a man.

Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 07:59

Hidingtonothing thanks for your message it cheered me up, especially the part about the rage. I could have honestly have swung for him this morning if i hadn’t have been (lucky for him) weak from being unwell and I’m not a violent person. I’m going to call him and tell him to come back and look after his son. I just hope he does it because he also likes to play the game of not knowing what to do or he tell me ds ‘wants his mum’ everytime ds is anything other than a happy and smiley baby.

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:03

thanks everyone for your replies

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Discusting · 14/02/2018 08:05

The thing I have learnt about my DH is I have to make it very clear to him I need help. If I want him to get up to DS I have to wake him and tell him. He would gladly do it, but his default is to let me do it!

theworstwife · 14/02/2018 08:08

Poor you @glittercity - hope you feel better soon. If you continue to just cope your partner won’t change - he has no reason to. He should have obviously recognised you would need help but if he is going to pretend he didn’t know then you need to tell him what to do - be specific!

Quartz2208 · 14/02/2018 08:12

He needs to learn how to cope. I had norovirus when my very mum attached DD was 9 months. DH was travelling with work so my Dad came round to look after her and he did absolutely fine. Anyone can cope if they want to

Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:23

Thanks and i agree that he will have to learn. I’ve called him at work and he huffed and puffed a bit because he has something on (not life or death and they’ll manage without him ) He is currently on his way back and apparently I should have told him . Other than hit him over the head I don’t know how much more clear I could have been (the term ignorance is bliss springs to mind) but nevermind he’s on his way back which is the main thing. He won’t get back in time to give ds his breakfast but as soon as he gets in I’m crawling back to bed and staying there. I’m going to leave him to it and let him learn what to do. I’ve told him it’s a boys bonding day for him with his son.

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:24

Quartz2208 I agree although I have a lot of family member who can’t and don’t cope but they have their own issues. Your dad sounds amazing.

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Hidingtonothing · 14/02/2018 08:24

Glad it made you smile OP Now, some stock phrases to get you through the day... 'work it out DH, I'm too sick to give you instructions how to look after your own son' and 'just for once DS will have to make do with you DH', rinse and repeat!

Stay in bed (and insist he stays downstairs with DS, don't want to pass it on do you) as much of the day as you can and let them muddle through. It will probably do their relationship the world of good and you and DH both need to know he can manage if you're out of action. Hope you get some rest

Hidingtonothing · 14/02/2018 08:25

Ha, cross post, sounds perfect OP

Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:27

thanks Hidingtonothing. I’ll leave him to it. I think you’re right and it’ll do everyone the world of good. I think this experience will help him parent better when he’s off work too and not just leave it to me all of the time because he ‘doesn’t know where things are’ etc

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:28

Sorry posted too soon missed rage face off end. And a love glue stock phrases and shall be putting them into action today.

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:28

i love you stock phrases

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Original poster

GlitterCity · 14/02/2018 08:29

r* apologise for typos

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NerdyBird · 14/02/2018 08:35

Glad he is coming back. Can't believe he has never had your DS on his own for a day. From now on, make it a regular thing that he looks after DS while you do something, even if not a full day.
I am ill, I had to look after DD for a morning as DH had an unavoidable meeting. Happily he'd planned to work from home in the afternoon anyway but as soon as he came in he made her lunch and I went back to bed. He's done bedtimes and mornings. She does go to nursery which helps but when I've needed him to he's stayed home. I think the hardest thing about being at home with children is when you're ill too. Hope you get some rest.

0ccamsRazor · 14/02/2018 08:36

Now Op do not let him invade your recovery day. Close your eyes when he gets home and have deaf ears.

He needs to grow up and be a good dh and dad.

Get well soon

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