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Original poster

Children Imitating Sex Acts - Did I do the right thing?

75 replies

ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 21:01

I live in a block of flats and share a garden with 4 other families. We all have children under the age of 6 and they play together in the garden, often unsupervised.

Ex-p was over for dinner and said 'I think someone needs to have a word with M (4 year old boy), he's got S's (3 year old girl) knickers off and is tickling her between her legs'. I wasn't particularly worried but went to the balcony to check on them. By this point S was lying on the ground, legs open and her knickers were on the floor next to her. M was kneeling between her legs and poking at her vagina. I called out to S 'Where's your mum' and she stood up and said she didn't know. I told her to put her knickers back on and she said that M had taken them off. I said 'ok, but put them back on now'.

They both ran off round the corner, out of sight. I was busy with dinner but ex-p (unasked by me) went to check on them again. They were doing it again and he called out and told them to stop.

I'm now really fretting about whether we've done the right thing. Have I interfered in something harmless? Should I have called the mothers out to deal with it?

I know curiosity is natural but I wouldn't have liked my DS to have been involved in this. I think I should tell one of the mums but I really don't want to cause a big argument and the 2 women don't get along at the best of times.

What would you have done?

OP posts:

DimpledUpperArms · 30/04/2007 08:20

so hang on - you called parentline and the woman talked to you and then you asked her what she would do in your position and she said call parentline?

That's not very helpful at all!

saintmaybe · 30/04/2007 09:26

Really sounds like normal behaviour to me. I know I played like that, and remember getting caught and being embarrassed. Not sure I'd have even remembered it at all if I hadn't got caught, tbh, because that's what sticks in my mind. But finding out that it's private, and that there are taboos is part of what you learn. Personally I wouldn't worry about it, or about telling them to stop.

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 30/04/2007 09:38

Dimple - it was said tongue in cheek. She did also say to call the NSPCC if I still didn't know what to do in the morning.

SM - I agree that it was probably innocent curiosity, but I can't say nothing because I'm the only adult that saw and I think it's wrong for me to assume that the parents would be alright about this. If my DS was involved I'd want to speak to him about keeping his private parts private and I'd be p'd off another adult didn't give me the opportunity to deal with it.

I've decided that I'll mention it to both mums. I'm just going to say 'oh, btw I saw S in the garden with no knickers on and M was having a good look. I couldn't see very clearly what they were doing from up here though'. I think that gives them the opportunity to speak to their kids or at least start supervising.

Thanks for all your posts

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saintmaybe · 30/04/2007 09:40

Good call. I'd do same. {smile}

fortyplus · 30/04/2007 09:46

It sounds to me as though the children have seen something inappropriate on TV or DVD. They are just 'playing' at 'Mums & Dads' like we all did, but it sounds as though the boys parents haven't been careful about keeping unsuitable material away from him. It doesn't mean he has been abused, but it's sad, nonetheless.

LieselVentouse · 30/04/2007 10:17

I would be worried too, you did the right thing

SweetyDarling · 30/04/2007 10:20

I've had a conversation with friends about this before and every single one of us remembered playing with friends bits when we were really little. This sounds quite tame compared with some of by friends who had Barbie legs/sticks etc inserted by facinated neighbourhood kids! Totally normal. None of us was abused. It's just a case of I'll show you mine if you show me yours and then a bit of doctors and nurses action. Kids this age don't think of this as sexual in any way. They obviously know you didn't want to see, but it doesn't make it any less facinating for them.

SweetyDarling · 30/04/2007 10:29

I think that alla the posters who think the boy has seen porn or something are loking at this from a very adult point of view. If he was poking her in her ear or mouth would you think the same? We think of genitals as sexual organs becasue WE know what they can be used for. At these kids' age it's just another hole, and an interesting one beacuse it's not normally something on display.

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 30/04/2007 10:32

Bloody hell SD . Barbie legs inserted!!! I've got vague memories of this sort of thing from my childhood, but nothing like that. I think that's extreme.

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edam · 30/04/2007 10:35

Not sure Sweetie, I certainly don't remember any 'you show me yours and I'll show you mine' going that far! My mother had drawn me diagrams as part of the 'where babies come from' chat (she'd not long done a degree in zoology) but none of us explored vaginas. All I recall is people pulling pants down and boys showing off their willies.

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 30/04/2007 10:36

SD - this is going to make me sound stupid, but...is the vaginal entrance actually visible on a little girl? I've never changed a girls nappy and didn't have a look at myself until I was an adult. I thought it just looked like a crease and I'm surprised children are aware that it's a hole (for want of a better word).

That's why I assumed he'd seen some porn because I didn't think a child would know to poke there. I definetly didn't know about it at 4 years old.

OP posts:

SweetyDarling · 30/04/2007 10:57

God, I don't think it was the whole barbie leg and it probably wasn't actually instered as such! Just stuck in as kids do with ears etc! My point is that kids stick things in their holes and it's ADULTS that think of this as a sex act.

SweetyDarling · 30/04/2007 11:00

I have to say I don't remember knowing about the actual vagina as such, it was prob more just fiddling between vulva.
I if this boy managed to actually find the entrance to the vagina it was prob just result of careful inspection though.
I just don't think we should sexualize kids' reactions to genitals at this age.

SweetyDarling · 30/04/2007 11:02

It wasn't extreme in my expereince anyway. Totally innocent and from memory we all thought it was very funny!
I can imagine it would make me very uncomfortable to witness this kind of thing now, but that's beacuse adult expereinces have stripped me of that innocence.

bananabump · 30/04/2007 11:06

Not at three and four, no. Surely most kids that age are more fascinated by wee and poo than actual bits? That normally comes later doesn't it? I remember doing the "you show me yours I'll show you mine" at about six or so. No touching involved.

I do remember being dragged home by the arm by someones Mother when I was about four or five because I'd been playing with her son of the same age in the garden, we were playing at being "doggies" which involved walking on hands and feet, eating from imaginary bowls and sniffing eahc others bottoms.

She'd looked out of the women to see her precious angel sniffing my bottom and had seen the worst in it. She told my entire family what we'd been doing, I was really upset and didn't understand what we'd done wrong. My own mother didn't tell me off, or explain what was supposed to be bad about it, but I still felt ashamed for ages.

SweetyDarling · 30/04/2007 11:11

I have to say I have no recollection of what age I was at that stage prob older than 3 or 4 though.

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 30/04/2007 11:11

Sorry SD. I misunderstood you and did think you meant full insertion . I agree that it is horrible the way adults sexualise curiosity just because it happens to involve genitals. I wouldn't have started this thread if S had had her socks off and M was tickling her feet, for example. I just don't want to make the decision to do nothing when these children don't belong to me - I'd be cross if another adult saw this and decided it was fine and didn't give me the opportunity to deal with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 30/04/2007 11:23

BananaBump - that's rotten that it made you feel ashamed. Saying 'it's not nice to sniff peoples bottoms' would have dealt with the situation adequately IMO.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 30/04/2007 12:00

I think it would be more worrying if the children were 8 or 9. At 3 & 4 they are still uninhibited, but I'd still be concerned at where they had seen that kind of thing. Taking her pants off and imitating sex is FAR different from just peeping and poking at eachother's bits out of curiosity.

pirategirl · 30/04/2007 13:29

i remember knowing that privates were 'specail' and were umm private at about 6, but a cousin who was older by two yrs, tried to touch me once. I knew it was 'wrong' somehow, but not that it was abhorently sinister.
As an adult, we have an adult take on things, to them its curiosity and maybe pleasurable, but not 'bad' in there minds in my opinion.

Yet if it happens again, lets also hope it happens in front of one of the mothers. I f I saw it again, I would mention it, and say it lighthearted that you were concerned.

slayerette · 30/04/2007 13:38

DS is 4 and has been playing with the same group of friends all his life - 3 boys and 1 girl. They have never done anything like this or shown any interest at all - except all going to the toilet together! Tbh, I would be really taken aback if they did.

madamez · 30/04/2007 15:47

Chelseadagger: if the kids have not shown any other signs of there being problems, it's probable that getting their mums to explain to them gently, and without undue fuss, that willies, bottoms and fanjos are private and not to be touched by other people, will be all that's needed. If there is something wrong, there will be more indications; if there isn't. and a big issue is made out of it, the kids could develop hangups and anxieties out of all proportion.

SweetyDarling · 01/05/2007 08:25

Agree with Madamez. Don't need to create any Freudian hang-ups for the little poppets!

lady007pink · 01/05/2007 13:38

My worry would be that if this little girl suffered a tear as a result of the poking and was brought to the doctor, she could be wrongfully thoght of as sexually abused, putting her mum's bf , father brother or male friend's in the frame?

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 01/05/2007 15:36

Lady - that crossed my mind too, but I was more worried about UTI's (perhaps unnecessarily{?}). It's not particularly healthy or hygenic to be poked at with dirt smeared fingers.

I told the girls mum yesterday. I just said that I'd seen her without her knickers on and told her to put them back on. That the boy was also there and I think there may have been some touching going on but I couldn't see clearly. I'm not sure if I should have been brutally honest about it, but I found it really difficult just to say that. She was shocked, and said she would speak to the boys mum.

So it's dealt with now. Thanks for all your input and advice

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