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Original poster

Children Imitating Sex Acts - Did I do the right thing?

75 replies

ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 21:01

I live in a block of flats and share a garden with 4 other families. We all have children under the age of 6 and they play together in the garden, often unsupervised.

Ex-p was over for dinner and said 'I think someone needs to have a word with M (4 year old boy), he's got S's (3 year old girl) knickers off and is tickling her between her legs'. I wasn't particularly worried but went to the balcony to check on them. By this point S was lying on the ground, legs open and her knickers were on the floor next to her. M was kneeling between her legs and poking at her vagina. I called out to S 'Where's your mum' and she stood up and said she didn't know. I told her to put her knickers back on and she said that M had taken them off. I said 'ok, but put them back on now'.

They both ran off round the corner, out of sight. I was busy with dinner but ex-p (unasked by me) went to check on them again. They were doing it again and he called out and told them to stop.

I'm now really fretting about whether we've done the right thing. Have I interfered in something harmless? Should I have called the mothers out to deal with it?

I know curiosity is natural but I wouldn't have liked my DS to have been involved in this. I think I should tell one of the mums but I really don't want to cause a big argument and the 2 women don't get along at the best of times.

What would you have done?

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 29/04/2007 21:56

this thread has just reminded me that when i was younger we used to play doctors and nurses and i'm sure that we used to do this to one another. if not touching, definitely looked at one anothers bits and the boys never touched only girls. we knew we shouldn't and that was almost the fun of it. don't know how old i would have been .. somewhere between 3 and 6 i suppose. god i sound like a right pervert i turned out ok though, honest!

if i knew it was going on i would want to let the parents know though.

colditz · 29/04/2007 21:59

Could it not have been something as simple as the boy said "Let me see your willy" The girl said " I have'nt got a willy", the boy replied "Let me see" (in disbelief that someone could not have a willy) and went looking for it?

Because if that's all it was, you are possibly setting this little boy and his mother up for some misery from the little girl's mother, if she's not a reasonable woman!

Original poster
ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 22:02

I think the little boys intentions were innocent colditz. I really don't want to cause trouble but I'm so worried about this happening regularly and me not stopping it.

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colditz · 29/04/2007 22:03

Tell the little boy that it's not allowed to put your hand where other people's pants go, and we don't ask people to take their pants off.

colditz · 29/04/2007 22:06

this really does sound like normal, curious behavior to me - why is it making people think he has been abused? Children just don't see sex in what they do - they haven't had sex, they mostly don't know what it is, they don't know how it's done. He wasn't behaving appropriately - but he is four. They often don't.

Original poster
ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 22:07

I think both mothers will be really pissed off with me if I decide to handle this myself though. I did consider taking the girl to one side a couple of hours later (they both came up to see DS) and tell her that she should tell her mum what had happened with M. I decided not to though as I'd be pissed off if another adult tried to parent my child like that without informing me.

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mamazon · 29/04/2007 22:08

Some of you may remember this but when i joined i was very worried about an incident very similar to this involving my then 5 year old Ds and 2 year odl DD.

i was called a troll but none the less i was given a bit of support as well.

I was of course worried that it was a backlash from teh Domestic violance and abuse he had witnessed so i spent many weeks speaking with colleagues and various othe rprofessionals that are involved with him (he has autism)

It was decided that it is actually very common for children to be curious about each other's body particularly the opposite sex. It may have been stirred by one or the other of the children having witnessed their parents having sex.

I would speak with the childrens parent so that they can have a chat with the children about appropriate touching but unless it persists or becomes more sexualised rather than just looking i wouldn't worry tpp much.

Original poster
ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 22:08

I don't think it's indicative of abuse personally, but I've no experience of how children behave when they've been abused. I really don't want to say anything because I'm sure it will rebound in my face. I just don't think I can say nothing though.

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colditz · 29/04/2007 22:09

If the girl is three she may not even remember what he did.

Heathcliffscathy · 29/04/2007 22:10

i think it could really be innocent play

ds is fascinated with his penis, and therefore his dads and my lack of one and what is there instead.

I'd be very careful about intervening in any way unless you have more to go on, but would act if there was anything further that worried you.

you could create terrible problems for this child unnecessarily otherwise.

he was poking at the girls vagina, not dry humping her.

Heathcliffscathy · 29/04/2007 22:11

crossed posts!

edam · 29/04/2007 22:11

Eek. Agree re calling Parentline, they'd be able to give you some advice about how worrying this is, whether it's in the normal range of behaviour or indicates something more serious. And advice about how to handle it.

Feel for you, very tricky situation.

DimpledUpperArms · 29/04/2007 22:27

I think if he knew what he was doing and what it meant he would have gone to some trouble to conceal it. I would talk to the most approachable parent (boy) but in the context of being concerned about nudity being overseen or something. You could find yourself in the middle of a very horrid situation.

Londonmamma · 29/04/2007 22:28

I think you were right to intervene and if it's innocent play it might be that a neighbour telling them to stop will be enough. I would keep an eye on the situation as it's a delicate one. I definitely wouldn't involve social services at this stage. It might be worth having a general chat with the H.V. though and ask her advice.

I remember my mother freaking out with me when I was four because I'd pulled my pants down in front of neighbourhood children and it really made me feel ashamed.

speccy · 29/04/2007 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 29/04/2007 22:31

But if it was my DD or my DS I would want to know. I wouldn't be happy if a neighbour had seen this and not told me, even if it was so that I could keep a better look out on my child or to remmind them that private parts are to be kept private.

speccy · 29/04/2007 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eebs · 29/04/2007 22:44

This is definitely not normal behaviour for children of this age. I work with children where issues like this are prevelent (sp?) and in my experience it would indicate a possibility of one or both children having been exposed to inappropriate sexualised material or experience. I agree with a previous posting that you should seek advice about how to approach this (ie the NSPCC) before taking any further action.

NKF · 29/04/2007 22:46

I don't think you can tell one and not the other. Not helpful i know but semi-secrecy can be the trickiest of situations.

NKF · 29/04/2007 22:50

I'm sure you did the right thing by calling to the children and effectively getting them to stop. Good luck.

Original poster
ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 22:52

Londonmamma - that's why I felt so horrible before I started this thread. I was shocked when I saw them and when I told the girl to put her knickers back on she looked really sheepish. The boy didn't look at me. I'd never want either of them to feel ashamed about this and I hope I didn't make them feel guilty.

What really worries me is that he then led her to a part of the garden that I can't see from my balcony and it all happened again (ex-p had to go out into the communal hall way to see them). So although I'm sure they didn't know it was unacceptable the first time, they knew after I'd told them and were trying to hide and carry on.

I'm glad that a few more posters don't think that this is indicative of abuse. IMO it's natural childhood curiosity but inappropriate none-the-less. If my DC were doing this (whether boys or girls) I wouldn't be angry with them, but I would want them to stop.

Thanks for all your posts. I will speak to one of the mums (probably the girl's) tomorrow. If I'm still unsure in the morning I'll call parentline.

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speccy · 29/04/2007 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 22:55

Yes - thanks speccy. I cross posted. I'll call parentline in the morning.

Eebs - have you any idea what parentline would advise?

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Londonmamma · 29/04/2007 23:46

Chelseadagger - I'm SURE you dealt with it much much better than my mum! She DELIBERATELY made me feel ashamed to make sure I didn't do it again, that's very different to what you described.

Original poster
ChelseaDagger · 30/04/2007 00:15

I've just got off the phone to parentline. Her initial reaction was that the boy has somehow had access to porn and is acting out what he's seen without realising that it's inappropriate, but that while his actions are not indicative of abuse it's not something that should be left alone. She understood why I was reluctant to call social services and didn't recommend I did this. She went through all the scenarios of talking to the boys mum/girls mum/both of them and I told her what I'd expect to happen. I then asked her what she'd do if she were me and she said that she'd probably call parentline and ask them because she's got no idea. She's given me the number for NSPCC and advised that I sleep on it and call them tomorrow for their advice.

So now, I'm going to go to bed and think about it some more in the morning.

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