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Original poster

Children Imitating Sex Acts - Did I do the right thing?

75 replies

ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 21:01

I live in a block of flats and share a garden with 4 other families. We all have children under the age of 6 and they play together in the garden, often unsupervised.

Ex-p was over for dinner and said 'I think someone needs to have a word with M (4 year old boy), he's got S's (3 year old girl) knickers off and is tickling her between her legs'. I wasn't particularly worried but went to the balcony to check on them. By this point S was lying on the ground, legs open and her knickers were on the floor next to her. M was kneeling between her legs and poking at her vagina. I called out to S 'Where's your mum' and she stood up and said she didn't know. I told her to put her knickers back on and she said that M had taken them off. I said 'ok, but put them back on now'.

They both ran off round the corner, out of sight. I was busy with dinner but ex-p (unasked by me) went to check on them again. They were doing it again and he called out and told them to stop.

I'm now really fretting about whether we've done the right thing. Have I interfered in something harmless? Should I have called the mothers out to deal with it?

I know curiosity is natural but I wouldn't have liked my DS to have been involved in this. I think I should tell one of the mums but I really don't want to cause a big argument and the 2 women don't get along at the best of times.

What would you have done?

OP posts:

colditz · 29/04/2007 21:04

I think you did the right thing. I don't think there was anything sinister and being as the boy is a little older than the girl (but still tiny) this sort of this can get blown out of all proportion, and the girl's mum, if not a sensible woman, may tag him a pervert!

they were only playing by the sound of it - but if you see them at it again, then if I were you I would let both sets of parent's know.

gingersj · 29/04/2007 21:05

Doesn't sound normal to me. Do you think M and S have ever seen anything they should not have? How is their behaviour otherwise?

lulumama · 29/04/2007 21:08

hmmm

playing, maybe,but would not be happy for another child to take DDs knickers off and touch her vagina , it is inappropriate, and they need to know to keep their private parts, private !

curiosity is fine, but this would worry me , im afraid

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ThatBeetroot · 29/04/2007 21:09

sorry - why the hell would they know anyting about htis? I woul dbe very very worried by this

amess · 29/04/2007 21:10

I would be really worried. Doesn't sound normal to me. Children so young should surely not be touching. Young brothers and sisters may see each others bits but not go for them in this way.

lulumama · 29/04/2007 21:11

actually , the more i think about it, the worse it seems, i think it indicates something amiss for this little boy

one thing to be curious about girl bits and boy bits, but poking and touching , is another thing entirely

MascaraOHara · 29/04/2007 21:11

tbh, it makes for uncomfortable reading. if it were my dd I'd be very unhappy if someone had witnessed this and not told me.

I would have a word with both parents. Are you worried they might turn on you though? from what you said about them not getting on with each other

ThatBeetroot · 29/04/2007 21:12

children this age just would not or should not know the technicalities. They may enjoy touching themsleves but would not know more than that.

ThatBeetroot · 29/04/2007 21:13

I might talk to a social worker about it annonymously = i thin something has gone on.

unless I guess the boy has inadveertantly walked in on his parents but it seems a bit more detailed than that

ScoobyDooooo · 29/04/2007 21:17

Sorry but i don't like this at all i would be very worried about this sort of behaviourer, i think i would speak to there mothers.

MrsWho · 29/04/2007 21:19

They (boy?) know far too much for their age, he could have seen something on tv or parents but better to be safe than sorry , speak to a social worker/child protection (it can be anoymous)

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 21:22

Oh shit. I was really hoping you'd all say it was just kids messing about and normal. I really don't know what most kids do as my DS is autistic and most definetly not left unsupervised when playing with other children.

The boy was definetly the instigator. I've just spoken to ex-p and he told me that he also saw him with his hands up the girls skirt.

The girls mum is a difficult woman and I know this is going to blow up in a huge row and I'm going to feel like I've caused it all.

What if I had a word with the girls mum tomorrow and said that I'd seen her with M and she didn't have any knickers on, and said that M had removed them? Is that not enough information? I don't think there was anything sinister in it - I mean they are children, but I do think that the boy has maybe walked in and seen his parents or maybe found some pornography and was trying to act it out.

Sorry, I'm waffling now. Thanks for responses though.

OP posts:

SparklePrincess · 29/04/2007 21:22

This sounds deeply worrying to me. I would not be happy at all if my children were around a child doing things like this. It sounds like the boy has been exposed to things he shouldnt & is copying what hes seen.
I think that talking to a social worker is entirely the right thing to do for both these childrens sakes.

LIZS · 29/04/2007 21:25

Can you call Childline or NSPCC for advice anonymously. It seems to go beyond innocent curiosity, which they could yet have witnessed something elsewhere. Presumably you know the other families ?

Nbg · 29/04/2007 21:25

eek thats made me shudder reading that.

Curiosity is one thing but what you have seen is totally different thing altogether

bananabump · 29/04/2007 21:26

I wouldn't call in a social worker, seems a bit of a knee jerk reaction to something which may have been less sex orientated than it looks, although still inappropriate obviously.

I would have a quiet word with the mums, perhaps especially that of the girls. Perhaps you could word it as that you were worried of who might be watching, rather than putting all the blame on the little boy?

munz · 29/04/2007 21:26

tbh I think i'd talk to the boys mum if you're only going to talk to one.

just spoken to DH and he agrees with me we wouldn't be too chuffed if we were the parents of either party.

what's worrying me is where has the child seen this? - is there anything more sinister going on in his home - abuse or something?

munz · 29/04/2007 21:27

althou granted the girl needs to know private parts are not for touching iycwim.

madamez · 29/04/2007 21:28

It does sound a little bit odd; Kids do sometimes want to look at each others' bits arond the time they realise boys and girls are different, and that's harmless, but actually touching seems a bit iffy. Did the little girl seem distressed, or upset? Have you noticed anything else odd in the boy's behaviour?
As to having a word with the mothers, have you any opinion on which of them is the more level-headed/the more likely to go nuts and call in social services on the spot? Because it might be best to make a light-hearted or played-down mention of it, preferably to the boy's mum.
It may well just have been childhood curiosity, and treating it like a major incident could give one or both kids a comlex - at the very least, if the boy realises that this is a way to get a lot of attention from adults, he might carry on with it for that reason (as with any undesirable behaviour). Though if there is something dodgy going on in the boy's home, giving the mum a heads-up that you're aware of something might make her take steps to fix the problem.

fizzylemonade · 29/04/2007 21:29

I agree with everyone else, 4 is incredibly young to just be curious. It sounded major alarm bells with me. My background is that my best mates Mum used to short term foster sexually abused children.

Because of this I have taught my almost 4 year old that only he touches his private bits, even now, he points his own willy down into his nappy (he wears one at night) as he is completely potty trained in the day I have no need to touch his willy. He attempts to wipe his own bottom and I check that it is clean.

This may sound paranoid but having seen what children can be exposed to at a young age and how it affects them I am overly cautious.

I would speak to a social worker who may know whether this is something to worry about.

ThatBeetroot · 29/04/2007 21:30

as long as you are sure that the boy is not being abused in some way.

ss told us not to approach dd abuser as they would close ranks and totaly deny

speccy · 29/04/2007 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 29/04/2007 21:37

How about talking to the local Health Visitor if you don't want to involve SS at this time?

Original poster

ChelseaDagger · 29/04/2007 21:39

I've never had any reason to be worried about either child before. They are both completely lovely, well behaved, innocent, sweet playful little kids. The boy lives below me and the girl lives below him. I've never heard anything odd from either home and know both sets of parents quite well.

But...the 2 women are both young mums who went to school togeter, got pregnant at the same time, lived in a mother and baby unit together, and would you believe it - got housed in the same block of flats when they had to move out. I'm 10 years older than them and do my best to be friendly to both but generally keep myself to myself. They, on the other hand have always had a problem with each other right from when they were at school. The girls mum has done stupid things since I've known her like sending nasty letters to the boys mum and squirting ketchup all up her front door. The boys mum is unconfrontational and for the sake of peace and quiet ignores the girls mum.

I think they may have sorted their difference out now as this is the first summer where the kids have been allowed to play together - usually the boy is taken indoors when the girl comes out. It's all very petty.

I don't want to involve social services but I may call parentline tonight (good advice). I think the right thing to do would be to tell the boys mum - I can't tell both of them as it looks like I'm trying to be a mediator or something. I can't imagine the conversation though - I really don't want to describe what her son was doing to the girl, and additionally I'm worried that I won't emphasise enough about how shocking it was and nothing will get done. I also think the girls mum has a right to know though - I'd want to. I think I'll speak to the girls mum tomorrow, but I am bloody dreading it. I know she's going to be livid and unreasonable to the boys mum and I feel so disloyal.

I wish I had a glass of wine to help me relax.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 29/04/2007 21:43

I think that because of the reaction you are likely to see from the girl's mum it might be wise to forewarn the boy's mum as well TBH. At least then both parents get to know what exactly went off, from wha you saw, rather than the girl's mum's version of it all.

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