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Original poster

What do your husbands do at the weekend?

69 replies

Muse84 · 15/01/2018 06:56

We have a 11 week old son, and the age old childcare vs work argument raised its ugly head last night.

Our relationship is great, we love being parents and out baby is an angel. I know my husband works extremely hard and this allows us to live very comfortably on one wage (FYI I had a very good career pre baby but I'm happier not being there right now!)

So, last night husband tells me of some of his Saturday plans coming up. I was extremely dismayed. Five days a week with baby is tough but made easier knowing the weekend is coming. Stretching is to six days feels awful. Husband says he knows how tough it is for me and he couldnt do it but equally he works extremely hard and wants Saturday as his downtime. (He thinks I don't recognise that he works hard too). Sunday he sees as family day. He suggests I ask my parents who are extremely willing and able, to help me and take some of the pressure off.

I feel down and can see resentment will soon build. Not least because I can't EVER get my own downtime given that baby is EBF. A night out requires more planning than it's worth right now. I love spending time with my little boy but oh how I wish I could break free just once!

I don't want to be of the mindset that husband should suffer too and stay at home (by the way he's not out every single Saturday. It's the mindset that he should be that bothers me). I just feel that the situation is extremely unfair. Basically, he has choices and I apparently don't.

So I need to know- what do other husbands do???

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Pagwatch · 15/01/2018 07:04

We each took downtime.
Is there ny reason why you can't go out sometimes so you both get a break?
That's what we did. He realised I needed a break as much as him - lthough I did have to explain it and, his being at home regularly showed him exactly how overwhelming being at home with a baby was.

Hippydippydoo · 15/01/2018 07:04

Dh spends time with us every weekend, Saturday and Sunday. Our DD is nearly 1, and he has been out more than me, but it's usually in the evening after DD is settled to sleep which I don't mind.

He has also had DD for a couple of full days over the weekend so that I can have a day to myself.

I think your dh is being a bit in reasonable to not be splitting things 50/50 over the weekend, but this is only based on my set up, so others may disagree.

Pagwatch · 15/01/2018 07:05

If you are seeing saturdays in terms of 'staying at home to suffer' then you really, really, really need to get out.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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NameChange30 · 15/01/2018 07:07

Er... my husband looks after his child and our home. At the weekend and in the evenings.

What about your downtime? Your job is to look after the baby while he’s at work. When he’s home the childcare and housework responsibilities should be shared. Equal downtime.

Paid work is challenging but looking after a baby is too. At least you get lunch breaks at work!

I would also be hurt that he doesn’t want to spend more time with the two of you at the weekend.

DragonsAndCakes · 15/01/2018 07:07

I had to ask mine if he thought looking after the baby was easy, in which case he wouldn’t mind doing lots of it at the weekend, or hard, in which case I’d need a break from it and he’d need to do half.

If he doesn’t listen to that you could suggest you take the other weekend day? Popping back to feed if you need and see how he gets on?

Callamia · 15/01/2018 07:08

He hangs out with us. He’ll see friends if there’s something going on, but usually it’s us getting the house back together after a long week, and spending time together. Babies might not care or notice if he spends Saturday elsewhere, but toddlers do.

It is hard when you feel like your life is at the bottom of everyone’s priority, and when you have no time to yourself. Your baby is still very little, and things will improve, but he has to be there to help that to happen.

Thirtyrock39 · 15/01/2018 07:09

Dh works all day Sunday (teacher so at home but in the study planning etc) often goes to footy on Saturday - has actually been away all weekend as football away weekend. It's annoying at times but cos of his job he literally only has Saturday as a 'day off' (works every week night till late ) so I generally just accept it. I used to airways go to my parents on Sundays but kids are older and (mostly) easier now and I certainly found it tougher when they were babies and he was away at the weekend.

mumonashoestring · 15/01/2018 07:11

Totally agree with Dragons - if he's never looked after your DS alone then asking him when you get your day off is pointless, he's probably fondly imagining that you've fully recovered from birth, sleep when the baby sleeps and somehow still manage to get time to yourself.

Unicorndiscoball · 15/01/2018 07:15

Dh works shifts so one weekend a month he works both days. I do rehearsals some Sundays so will be out for a couple of hours in the afternoon whilst they go for a muddy walk. The rest of the time we’re usually doing stuff together, with exceptions for meeting friends on our own maybe once a month or so? so Friday night I went out with a friend to watch a film, on Tuesday night he’s going to the cinema with one of his friends etc etc.

AutumnalTed · 15/01/2018 07:23

13 week old baby, EBF. Partner works 7-4 (sometimes until 5) Monday to Friday, when he’s home we relax with baby, one of us sorts dinner and one of us baths baby. Baby down at 7 then we have us time.
Saturday morning I take the baby downstairs until 12 so he has the whole morning to do what he likes, and Sunday morning I feed baby, then partner has him until 12 so I get a morning free.

IHaveACuntingPlan · 15/01/2018 07:23

We used to look after our babies together at weekends and if we went anywhere we'd go together. We took it in turns to sleep in and through the night we'd take turns to see to them if they woke up. If we wanted a day off it'd usually be arranged in advance but I had the same amount of time as dh did (our dc were bottle fed so I could leave them much longer). He certainly didn't think he was more deserving of a break simply because he went out to work.

FYC · 15/01/2018 07:24

Weekends are family time. Which doesn’t mean that we spend all our time together, but does mean that all family responsibility is shared (just like any time outside of work). We mostly spend it together, but both get time to ourselves too.

Do tends to take his time in an hour here and an hour there, whereas I occasionally go away to visit people for a couple of days. It all averages out and we are both happy with the situation.

When dh is home our “jobs” are over and we both have shared responsibility for the children and housework etc. It is not assumed that I am SAHP so I am primary carer 24/7. We are both equal parents.

You need time to yourself too. In the early days that can just mean an hour long bath, or time to read a book upstairs, or going for a quick walk on your own. Whatever suits.

He is a parent too.

Fairylea · 15/01/2018 07:27

Dh spends all his time with us. Its incredibly rare (as in maybe once a year) that he does something on his own. Neither of us really have friends etc apart from work mates and that’s how we like it, but I know we are quite unusual like that.

museumum · 15/01/2018 07:35

My dh has always taken ds out Saturday morning. Even just for an hour when I was ebf.
He goes out himself Sunday mornings. We do things together in the afternoons.

Those Saturday mornings were a sanity saver for me in mat leave and time for them to bond.

Quartz2208 · 15/01/2018 07:39

So he knows you have it tough, he couldn’t do it but his life is so tough (which you don’t realise) he needs his downtime. Weekends are for family time and for both to get some downti

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2018 07:40

Equal time off. He doesn’t see what you do as needing time off and you need to discuss this ASAP. The best way is by giving him the baby for most of Sunday although it is tricky bf. Set a 2.5 -3 hourly bf schedule just for one day and hand baby over outside of actual bf? Express one bottle? Go bananas at your dh? (I would do all of the above but especially the last)

LittleKiwi · 15/01/2018 07:45

I think if you are EBF in the early days you, the mother, are way more tied to the baby and involved than your non breastfeeding partner. So they either keep you company out of solidarity, or they don’t - if they don’t, it isn’t realistic to ask for equal time off. You can’t really have time off from a tiny breastfed baby.

I didn’t kick up a fuss if DP was away for work, or went away with friends when the children were really small (less than 6 months). I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent his (relative) freedom, but I could also see that to complain would be very dog in the manger and that this stage wouldn’t last forever. And, probably most importantly, he pulled his weight at all other times.

It did get a lot better as they got older. 11 weeks is very young. My DP (and probably a lot of men) aren’t great with tiny children but come into their own when they get older.

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2018 07:48

littlekiwi what about the fundamental issue that her dh sees Saturday as his rest day and the
Op doesn’t get a rest day because she doesn’t need one? I don’t think you can trust that attitude to just fix itself without some serious discussion .

LittleKiwi · 15/01/2018 07:48

Should add that we were like Fairylea - I think DP went away for work a bit and had one weekend away with friends in three years. Otherwise was with us. Just the way we do things.

LittleKiwi · 15/01/2018 07:50

Yes, that’s bullshit. But I don’t think requesting she have Sunday off will fix anything... and if he doesn’t want to be with his family, can you make him? Pretty sad situation.

BrownTurkey · 15/01/2018 08:00

He should swoop in Friday evening and Saturday morning, then go to hobby/night out Saturday pm, and be ready to pick up again early Sunday morning. Except he won't of course because then he will expect a lie in and then 'family time' which is code for not doing anything on his own and you being the baby expert.

Somelikeitchilly · 15/01/2018 08:09

I think he’s being pretty selfish tbh, that might be an unpopular point of view, but let’s consider. The relentlessness of spending all day with a very young baby is like nothing else, it’s Groundhog Day for you. He works, yeah ok, you’re busy with the baby, you know how draining that is compared to work as you’ve done both. My DH readily admits he’s got the easier end of it at work. Don’t get me wrong, we discussed him having time to see friends etc at the weekend but he usually went in the evening or late afternoon so I wasn’t stuck at home again on my own. (No family here).
What I see around me is a lot of Saturday morning dads taking the little one out in the pushchair presumably while mum is at home having a break. Me and my DH used to go out for breakfast or do something together. Your DH needs to realise you’re a family unit and at the moment you need support and time together.

Somelikeitchilly · 15/01/2018 08:11

I’d like to add, our children are older now and we do take it in turns to pop out on a weekend alone or even go away with friends, but these things are discussed well in advance. Just because you’re the Mother you are not the default parent.

Eolian · 15/01/2018 08:20

Dh didn't take that much solo downtime when ours were babies. I would happily have let him have more tbh. We are both teachers and I found staying at home with the baby (even a newborn) a walk in the park compared with a day at work. He needed the downtime a lot more than me.

Mummyontherun86 · 15/01/2018 08:27

To be honest I think Your DH is being unreasonable. At that age child caring is hugely intensive. He gets downtime in the form of going to the loo/lunch/headspace! My DH didn’t go out at all until 4/5 months and by that stage I was leaving the baby with him during predictable feeding gaps. So there was more equality.

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