What do your husbands do at the weekend?

[Muse84]

We have a 11 week old son, and the age old childcare vs work argument raised its ugly head last night.

Our relationship is great, we love being parents and out baby is an angel. I know my husband works extremely hard and this allows us to live very comfortably on one wage (FYI I had a very good career pre baby but I'm happier not being there right now!)

So, last night husband tells me of some of his Saturday plans coming up. I was extremely dismayed. Five days a week with baby is tough but made easier knowing the weekend is coming. Stretching is to six days feels awful. Husband says he knows how tough it is for me and he couldnt do it but equally he works extremely hard and wants Saturday as his downtime. (He thinks I don't recognise that he works hard too). Sunday he sees as family day. He suggests I ask my parents who are extremely willing and able, to help me and take some of the pressure off.

I feel down and can see resentment will soon build. Not least because I can't EVER get my own downtime given that baby is EBF. A night out requires more planning than it's worth right now. I love spending time with my little boy but oh how I wish I could break free just once!

I don't want to be of the mindset that husband should suffer too and stay at home (by the way he's not out every single Saturday. It's the mindset that he should be that bothers me). I just feel that the situation is extremely unfair. Basically, he has choices and I apparently don't.

So I need to know- what do other husbands do???

We've always done some things together on both days. Sunday's he's up and out at 8 on his bike, back by 11ish. That's his down time.
He has always taken on some of the care of our daughter at weekends. Now she's 5 yrs and they spend most of Saturday morning together while I'm doing other things and then we go out in the afternoon.

My DH used to think like yours does.

He changed his mind when I walked out for the day, left him with our high needs 4 month old and no instructions.

When I decided I was bored of wandering round the shops and went home he was full of apologies. I told him if he was going to continue to be that selfish I would either pay for childcare out of his wages (he hates that idea!) or I would walk out the door as he walked in it. I was sick and tired of him walking in the house and being "off duty".

So when does he parent, or is this not his job considering how hard he works?

If he works all week, he has Saturday as his down time, Sunday is family day (what about the other 6 days) when is your downtime?

Does he not realise parenting doesn’t involve just one day?

Na he's being selfish. i probably work more hours than your husband and see our kids less but weekends are always family time unless I have additional work or DH goes to watch a football game.

"I need downtime" so do you, but hey you have a child, suck it up!

My husband works 6 days a Week.
Has a Sunday off. But they ring him constantly for his Opinions & help with things so he can't switch off.
Think that's the only thing we argue about is that he works too much, it's just so frustrating looking after 2 kids and getting no downtime. Then Sunday's are when I try and pile everything in, trying to let him have a lie in, whilst being desperate to do something "as a family" because he's back to it for another 6 days. Works all the Bank Holidays etc too, but his hard work allows me to be a SAHP and bring up the Kids. We wouldn't have what we have without him working like he does, but does feel like I'm a single parent sometimes..

We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. My husband will se friends every few months and will sometimes be away with work. All other time is for family. He’ll sometimes take the eldest out or stay with the baby while I go out with her but we’ll usually do stuff together.

I think if it’s possible I would agree a compromise. Say every couple of weeks or once a month he gets a Saturday to himself to do whatever. If your parents are ready and willing to help on those days take them up on childcare offers and do the same yourself. Or take them up on it on the other days and just you and him do something. There’s always a compromise to be had if you don’t feel the rest of the time he’s being selfish. If you do then that’s a different conversation

We have two. 6 and 1. DH might need to work a little over the weekend and sometimes so do I but that’s it.
In the week DH leaves for work very early so he can come home for bedtime. He’s out by half 6. He makes me a cup of tea and toast and brings it upstairs so I get some nourishment before the morning madness hits. He also puts on a load of laundry and puts the previous load away.

So I get both boys ready and give them breakfast, clear everything away, drop the older one to school, younger one to the CM and then head to work. So the entire morning falls on me.
Saturday: I had a lie in because in the week I do all the mornings. DH gave them both breakfast etc. 9 am I came down dressed and took DS1 for his orchestra. DH took baby for a nap.
We got back, all went for a walk/to the park. I made lunch. We had lunch. Baby had a sleep. DS1 did his homework and I worked. DH made roast chicken for dinner but then had to go and work so I handled 3:30-6 pm on my own and managed to hoover the downstairs and then DH was there for bedtime, which we did together.

We sat and watched a movie in the evening and then both had to work a bit more.

Sunday: We did breakfast together. I did laundry while he got the baby dressed and tidied up downstairs. I also did a quick tidy and hoover upstairs. He made a packed lunch for DS1 and took him swimming. Baby went down for a nap. Then it was family time at home. He ironed DS1s uniform. Put the bins out. I worked for a bit. I made dinner. DH worked a bit. We played board games. DS1 practised his music. Dinner and up for bed.

We had a glass of wine, DH ironed his shirts for the week. We did some admin stuff separately on our computers. I went to bed earlier than him. He washed the dishes and tidied up downstairs (not much to do- maybe 5 mins).

DH does his hobby 1-2 evenings a week and so do I (one evening) On my days I leave DH to do dinner, bedtime, everything. On his days DH comes home and says goodnight to the kids and then heads out again. Even then he comes back and does any housework that needs doing.

Both kids were EBF (baby has just stopped) and it never stopped DH from being a parent.

We might have dinner guests on a Friday or Saturday night. If DH cooks then I put the kids to bed and vice versa. (I am the better cook but DH bakes and makes Thai food better than me so depends on the menu!) We clean up together. I prefer general tidying and DH prefers washing so that works fine.

If one of us is heading out with friends (rare but happens) then the other gets a takeaway.

We do go out with friends sometimes but our CM then babysits for us.

As you can see DH is a pretty equal parent. I am led to believe that this is fairly unusual though on MN where a man can run a whole household by himself without constant input from his wife. Both of us also travel for work. DH is away for a bulk of this week. I am in the States in March. The other parent will manage just fine. DH has never ever complained about my travel or whinged about having to parent his own children.

And we have no family here. Closest family is two continents away! So we both muck in with the kids.

Generally:
Dad's taxi
Futile attempts at family excursion
Family swimming/footie in park with youngest
Makes elaborate food
The laundry
Grump about a bit
Read the paper/watch movies with me
Occasional drinks after work Friday/gigs with mates/me

When they were babies, he did LOADS
Your husband is being seriously oldschool which is weird if you are young enough to just have had first baby

I work 3 days a week and look after our toddler the other two. DH works 5 days. He leaves at 7.30 and gets back at 6.30. He helps with bath and bed on week nights. At weekends we take shared responsibility and take turns to have a lie in.

I can't remember the last time he went out without me TBH, we do most things together. Sometimes he goes out for work drinks but then sometimes I do too. He goes for a run on Saturday morning and I go to the gym on Sunday afternoon.

Cleaning wise, we have a cleaner. I do all the meal planning and cooking, but DH does all the clearing up. He does most of the DIY too.

Oh and actually he does laundry too.

He’s a selfish wanker. My partner works equally hard but every night and every weekend he’s here doing 50% of the childcare. And when I need a break he’s very happy to take all 3 very small children by himself. Your partner is taking the piss. He shouldn’t have had a baby if he wasn’t going to commit to taking care of it.

Btw i’m A SAHM for now too. Same situation, but your partner is being a sexist jerk. You can tell him I said so.

Isnt that the downside of breastfeeding? Is ebf express breastfeeding?

It's exclusive breastfeeding wizz

Anyway no it isn't. I EBF and still had time to myself.

Unfortunately, that "I'm owed me-time" attitude that is trotted out to so many women by their partners is fundamentally flawed logic when it comes to a baby - because nothing is fair when dealing with the demands they place on you. When you sign up to being a parent, you sign up to a one-sided deal where this little being will run you ragged, and, as a fully fledged grown up, you just have to fucking suck it up and understand that all those arguments about what's 'fair' and what you 'deserve' fly out the window.

In other words, in these particular circumstances - where you have a very young baby - your husband's argument falls well short and he is being an entitled arse.

My baby was formula fed which made it easier but we each had a full nights sleep and a morning until 11 or 12 at the weekend where we could sleep or sometimes i went out to get my hair done or get a pedicure etc. We still have this routine and she is 18 months now. Most of the rest of the time the three of us spent together.

Generally DH is at home doing family things at the weekends. The boys have different activities which require us both to be available to take them. Occasionally he will take a day of here and there to play golf, but that's usually during the week.

My DH used to help as much as he could at the weekends as he didn't want to miss out on the baby as basically babies are only small and intense for a very short time. (first born) second born he would look after the first born whilst I looked after the second born. He used to let me have a lie on Saturday and I let him have a lie in on Sunday and that was our down time.

Can you point out to your DH that the EBF period lasts 6 months and part of being a parent is missing out on long periods of downtime for 6 months . After that it is much easier for you to ask your parents to take the baby out for an afternoon in the week whilst you do a gym class or something as feeds are less frequent and they can eat other things to keep them going if you aren't around.

Being pragmatic, it can be really hard to change peoples opinions so sometimes just accepting your partner wasn't really up to being a supportive parent is the only solution. In that instance do things like asking him to pay for a cleaner and a nanny two mornings a week will actually give you the downtime you need rather than fighting with him over whether he gets Saturday off.

Your partner is being selfish op.

We have an 11 week old and my partner works rotating shifts. On his days off we share the childcare. Also I do night feeds and he gets up early with the baby which gives me a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep.

When he gets home from work on a week of early shifts he takes the baby for a few hours and I make dinner and get some washing done. We're both pretty much always doing something which contributes towards family life unless there happens to be 30 minutes or so when nothing needs doing.

You definitely need to have a frank conversation about this OP. My dp’s pretty good but he organised a golf weekend when our baby was a few months old and I lost my shit and screamed “where’s my fucking golf weekend??”. I don’t think he’d really considered how hard I was finding it.
Unfortunately baby is still bf and is only just starting to consider taking a bottle/ soppy cup at 7months old so I’ve not really had longer than a couple of hours away from her ever. He has organised a ski week away which I was a bit about.

Is it relevant what our husbands do? Clearly you are unhappy with set up, so it surely doesn't make much of a difference whether we are or aren't sharing the situation?

If you're not happy then tell him! Tell him that you're finding it tough. Tell him that unlike him you don't get to have a lunch break, leave the office, or (I'm guessing from the context) have a full nights sleep. Tell him that this stage is crappy and relentless but you are both his parents and a team, so neither of you should get the short straw. Tell him that you feel like he's making you feel that his job and more important than yours. And tell him that it's fine to have a break, but it needs to be reasonable and equal.

I'd nip this in the bud early if I was you, this sounds like a slippery slope... X

That sounds unreasonable to me. Our weekends are family time. He probably doesn't understand that you don't get any down time either when you're looking after a small baby. How about a compromise of you each get one Saturday to yourselves once a month, and then the other two saturdays are shared days.
He might realise you need a break too after having baby all day
My dh took a very very long time to understand how life changes after a baby. But he's good now!! Good luck!