What do your husbands do at the weekend?

[Muse84]

We have a 11 week old son, and the age old childcare vs work argument raised its ugly head last night.

Our relationship is great, we love being parents and out baby is an angel. I know my husband works extremely hard and this allows us to live very comfortably on one wage (FYI I had a very good career pre baby but I'm happier not being there right now!)

So, last night husband tells me of some of his Saturday plans coming up. I was extremely dismayed. Five days a week with baby is tough but made easier knowing the weekend is coming. Stretching is to six days feels awful. Husband says he knows how tough it is for me and he couldnt do it but equally he works extremely hard and wants Saturday as his downtime. (He thinks I don't recognise that he works hard too). Sunday he sees as family day. He suggests I ask my parents who are extremely willing and able, to help me and take some of the pressure off.

I feel down and can see resentment will soon build. Not least because I can't EVER get my own downtime given that baby is EBF. A night out requires more planning than it's worth right now. I love spending time with my little boy but oh how I wish I could break free just once!

I don't want to be of the mindset that husband should suffer too and stay at home (by the way he's not out every single Saturday. It's the mindset that he should be that bothers me). I just feel that the situation is extremely unfair. Basically, he has choices and I apparently don't.

So I need to know- what do other husbands do???

We have 2 toddler boys (3 and 1), DP works long hours in the week but is well aware that our boys are hard work too, plus I work from home (part-time). So weekends are spent together as a family. It also gives him a chance to play with the boys which he enjoys (mostly). He usually looks after the boys more to be honest, while I catch up on laundry / other things I don’t get done during the week. There is not a whole lot of “downtime” for either of us to be honest!
DP will often have a nap in the afternoon on weekends or watch a football game, but he rarely goes out (without us).

This sounds familiar.... I don't know anyone who didn't have this problem in the beginning. Some men don't get how life changes with a baby, they assume things will go on as they are because let's face it, their life isn't impacted by pregnancy and childbirth in the same way. They need it explained to them.
Saying your parents can help? Fuck that! It's his child and if he works during the week, he needs to take care of his child when he can. Of course he'd love to go out for a whole day - you would, too. It's not possible at the moment. It will be in a few months' time.
Seeing as you're bf, you won't be able to get away for more than a couple of hours. So he can have a couple of hours' down time, just like you. The rest of the weekend is spent together. That way he'll also realise that looking after a baby can be draining and lonely!

Garden, watch football in the pub, housework, go to religious meetings.

Thanks for all of your comments

My husband is incredibly supportive, I think he just has unrealistic expectations of life post baby. I'm sure this will change.

We're in discussions at the moment! I know we'll work things out, we're good at talking about things and listening to each other's point of view

I will maintain a balance of getting all the support I need and deserve while not being too much of a nag

It's really interesting to see how other people manage their busy lives

sometimes just accepting your partner wasn't really up to being a supportive parent is the only solution. In that instance do things like asking him to pay for a cleaner and a nanny two mornings a week will actually give you the downtime you need rather than fighting with him over whether he gets Saturday off.

I can see where you're coming from, but this is so sad. If a man consented to becoming a father, he should accept his role and build a relationship with his kids. Many men seem to think they can get out of doing the boring stuff (and they do, because their partners enable them), and then still be able to create a relationship with their children once they're at an interesting age. It doesn't work that way! Did you want to become a father? Then start acting like one from the moment they're born!

DH works 5 days a week, my job is childcare and housework. Evenings and weekends we take turns - one person does childcare while the other does cooking, DIY, gardening, etc. If we go out, we go as a family. DH also has a hobby which he goes to on occasional evenings and weekends but not all the time. I wouldn't be impressed if he expected me to hold down the fort every Saturday while he swanned off!

We did have some weekends as family time when I was on Mat leave. My DP decided to take up woodwork as a new hobby within a week of ds been born, it caused many rows as he worked away a lot straight after paternity leave and came back demanding he build a fucking bookcase or some shite as we need one, never mind that we had a newborn. I was also ebf so I felt locked to my son. I did go out when he was 8 weeks old, I think I was losing my mind a little bit and had cabin fever! Decided to let my son have formula and enjoy myself for one night. We did eventually compromise and both enjoyed the weekends after many rows of 'I have it worse than you'.

I work weekends now and my DP has our son, so we get 7 weekends for family time and always make the most of them.

I think you'll find the right way for all 3 of you eventually, it's difficult at first to make sure everyone's happy but it does usually settle down!

I sympathise. DP works hard and takes the weekends as his down time, which doesn't include helping with DD. Yes it does cause a little resentment, I feel that he doesn't enjoy our daughter, but after many arguments, I've had to learn to look at our life together differently: He prefers work to kids and I prefer kids and don't wish to return to work. I don't get involved in his work, but I'm happy enough to enjoy the life his work provides for us. He doesn't get involved in the childcare and in turn, he gets to enjoy the fun bits with DD. I don't have any family support and haven't had more than a couple of hours away from DD since she was born, and that was probably to do a big Tesco's shop! I worry what she'll think of her Dad when she's older, but then I remember that my dad was exactly the same and I adored him.

Forgot to add, DP rarely does anything constructive with his downtime. I wish he would though. I try to encourage him to see friends etc, but he doesn't plan anything!

We both take our son out most weekends, park, soft play, shops, visiting relatives, library etc. but usually separately - no real reason for this, just how it is. I can get a bit of time when they are out to myself but mostly there will always be something else to do at home. Parenting is FT and there is no downtime in our house. This is the norm. Exceptions are the odd day/night out which amount to handful a year. I can't justify taking off for a night/weekend etc. as we both work FT and only have the weekend as a family. I wouldn't be happy in your situation but I've friends who muddle along quite well never seeing their OH's at weekends!

I don't think it's unreasonable that your dh gets some downtime at the weekend. The issue is that he doesn't seem to think you need any. My husband was a bit of an arse when DS was born (for him it was about sleep not weekends but there's always something) so I can relate to the wtf-ery.

If your parents are willing/able can they come around a couple of weekday mornings and give you a break? Even if they take the baby out for a walk and you take a bath - or you go for a walk, get a manicure, have a coffee, wander mindlessly. I sympathise as ebf is tough in terms of having to be close at all times - but it's amazing how much more human you feel if you can have someone else take responsibility for your baby even for an hour or two.

Then your dh can have his weekend downtime on one day and perhaps you can take another hour slot on the other weekend day. So everyone gets their rest.

Exactly what FYC said ^^

We have always taken the approach that we are co-parents and we fully co-parent. That doesn't mean we don't each have time away to do other things, especially when they are work related or other necessary activities. But parenting is no more one of our responsibilities than the other. The only exception being that whoever isn't working has more of the responsibility during the hours they aren't working. Outside of work hours, the responsibility and obligations are exactly the same.

So my dh is and has always been around just as much as I have been on the weekends. Same with weekday mornings and evenings. There was a bit of a learning curve in the beginning. Not because he wasn't engaged or thought it was my 'job' to do everything on the weekends, but because he truly was not used to having to get up and function on the weekends. I'm naturally a morning person and am up anyway. It took a few months to get him in the habit of waking up early and responding and being there when I needed him. I should add, he was up every single night feed helping with feeding, changing, settling when our dd was a baby, so we shared nights equally even when I was bf (he would do the changing, get me a drink or snack in the middle of the night, etc.). He just isn't a morning person. So it took some effort to get him up and awake and participating on weekend mornings, even though he genuinely wanted to be. He just wasn't used to functioning at that hour. One we got over that hump a few months in it was much easier.

But anyway, yes, he's around and engaged as much as I am. Neither of us have regular commitments to sports or hobbies that take up weekend time. We do occasionally go meet up with friends or away for a night or a weekend with friends, but there is no regular standing commitments on weekends outside of family ones. We both get up at roughly the same time and we have a similar share of family responsibilities. On the weekends, I'll admit I do get up earlier than my dh still so I do the very early mornings (weekdays we're both up at the same time for work/school). Our dd is 4 now (baby is on the way as well) and when she wakes up, I get up, give her a cup of milk and she plays happily on her own while I do work or take care of things I need to do for myself, and my dh sleeps. Then he gets up maybe an hour or so later and will take her while I carry on doing some work or other things. Then we both do whatever we need to do the rest of the day together. Often he'll take her out to play outside or for a walk in the afternoons if I need to do anything. Similarly, when he has things to do (sometimes he works weekends or meets up with friends), then I go do something with her. We share household tasks though if we're both home (I cook dinner and he plays with her, he does her bath and then I put her to bed, etc.).

The only time either of us gets 'downtime' is if we don't feel well. I'm 36 weeks pregnant at the moment, so frankly, I've been getting more downtime than him because I'm genuinely tired and working long hours to finish up work before mat leave. If he is sick, he gets downtime. Otherwise, we're both co-parenting. Like I said, it did take some time to get into that routine for both of us when our dd was a baby because it was all so new, but talking about it and adjusting when things weren't working and talking some more did help.

When he's not working or sleeping (shift worker) he hangs out with us, unless me and DS are at the football and then he stays home and cooks the dinner and does the washing.

At the moment he's off work long term sick and unable to do anything, and although I am sympathetic I am starting to get irritated that he's always there and I have no time to myself.

I think you should tell him your plans for the following 5 Saturdays and calmly explain that you need downtime from all the hardwork you do during the week and you're sure his parents can help take the pressure off. When he points out that's ridiculous and not fair on him - you can tell him you agree completely and you're glad he's realized how unfair he was being with his suggestion.

DH works full time and then spends all his weekend time at home. His weekends normally filled with household or garden chores. Maybe one weekend a year he may do his own thing.

I would want my DH to mostly be around at this stage. It sense its about that rather then you wanting equal downtime?

My DH gardens, cuts the grass, cleans the car and general house maintenance stuff and I do whatever else needs doing. He drives me to the supermarket and other taxi of dad services. He also hoover's the stairs, goes for curry and wine and watches telly with me. He is a man of many talents No different from when the children were little - they went along for the ride. We have always done everything together - no my or his time. Looking after babies and little ones was favourite time for both of us. Both home birds and as neither of us have hobbies, gym, social life etc it wasn't an issue. Now it's just the two of us which is good too.

No idea whether the system we have is crazy but it helps stop resentment....if the bf has a social thing at weekend or in the weekday evening he goes (within reason) but we mark down that time as 'TOIL' for me to take later. As baby is only 4 months and im bf i cant leave her much bit i know that when i can.. i will have some nice chunks of time i can take off to myself.

first time mum so no idea of this is mad/realistic but it certaintly stops any resentment for now.