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Parenting

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Original poster

MIL won't follow instructions

54 replies

Ninnibu · 04/01/2018 07:32

Hi just signed up this morning! Need somewhere to vent my spleen and some friendly advice! Warning long post!!!

My MIL is intense. Worlds biggest busy body, knows everyone's business, thinks she's the font of all knowledge too (she ain't!). I work 2 days a week since having my 2nd son and both my MIL and FIL look after my now 2.5 year old. They also pick my 9yr old up from school. I need to go to work to adult, the extra money covers our mortgage and the work keeps me sane.

My main issue with her (I have lots!) is she doesn't listen to my instructions/information regarding ds. Small things sometimes, like I'll leave clothes out for him and she'll go and get something different to put on him. Other times (like yesterday) its big stuff! So I get to theirs after work to pick up the boys and I'm greeted with 'he's (2.5 yr old) not very well you know' ok and what's wrong?? So she starts to give me the account of his day. I follow her in to front room and he's lay on couch asleep absolutely beetroot literally 2 minutes later he's having a convulsion (unfortunately happens every time his temp spikes). This time it was a bad one and I rang for an ambulance. He's home and his temp is up and down, I'm following advice from hospital and keeping up with the Calpol etc. Anyhow! She doesn't listen!! She didn't ring me at any point during the day to say he was unwell?? When I work literally a 5 minute car ride away. She didn't attempt to give him Calpol when it was clear just by looking at him he had a temp. She didn't take his temp even though the thermometer is in his bag (and it's the idiot proof Braun one that I have showed her umpteen times how to use). I'm at my wits end! This is the second time this has happened. First convulsion he had happened at theirs and I arrived to pick the kids up greeted by blue flashing lights outside their house. Again didn't bother to tell me he seemed unwell. I'm at my wits end!! How do I get through to her? Anyone else have a similar situation and can offer some advice?

Thank you for reading!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Auspiciouspanda · 04/01/2018 07:33

You need proper childcare. She isn't going to change and she doesn't care about what you want.

Sirzy · 04/01/2018 07:33

Hope he is better soon.

If you can’t trust her to care for them as you wish then you need to find alternative childcare unfortunately

PotteringAlong · 04/01/2018 07:35

If you don’t like how she looks after him then send him to Nursery / childminder.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 9 year olds Families General parenting

ellesbellesxxx · 04/01/2018 07:35

She has already had an extra chance and blown it... I would pay for childcare. No way would I allow this.. hope your little one is doing ok xx

NancyJoan · 04/01/2018 07:37

Pay for childcare.

piglet81 · 04/01/2018 07:37

You need to pay for proper childcare as this arrangement clearly isn't suitable.

I hope your little one is OK - that sounds so frightening.

NorthernSpirit · 04/01/2018 07:38

You need proper childcare. She seems unable to empathise and this won’t change.

LalalaLeah · 04/01/2018 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 04/01/2018 07:39

Very simple solution. Get other childcare that complies with all the rules and regs. You will be able to trust kids are being looked after properly and will relax.

AnnaT45 · 04/01/2018 07:40

You have to let some stuff slide like the clothes etc but not telling you he's unwell is not acceptable.

Yes, they're doing you a huge favour looking after him but they don't sound responsible. If a childminder did this you'd leave them so I think that's what you need to do here.

Can you afford childcare?

Hope he's on the mend now. Sounds scary for you

RavingRoo · 04/01/2018 07:42

You need professional childcare. Not sure that 2 days per week would cover much of the mortgage anyway - you could up your hours and be assured that your child will be safe.

rollingonariver · 04/01/2018 07:42

She's not effective childcare, you need to pay someone who knows what they're doing before something goes seriously wrong.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 04/01/2018 07:43

I would pay for childcare (will be eligible for free hours soon anyway?).

GoodLittleWoman · 04/01/2018 07:43

Pay for childcare.

Callamia · 04/01/2018 07:45

You need to put your child’s safety first - so find childcare that will do this. It’s a shame that family childcare hasn’t worked out, but you don’t need someone you can’t trust looking after your chikdren.

Your son is nearly old enough for free hours, so maybe look into finding something like that where you can pay up to that point. It might be a stretch financially, but at least it’s temporary.

OrinocoDugong · 04/01/2018 07:49

Just as everyone else says. You pay the piper, you call the tune. Free childcare will only ever work of you are willing for the person doing the childcare to make all the decisions and do what seems best to them. It works fine when the (usually) grandma in question is sensible and responsible and listens to important information like what a child is allergic to etc. Your MIL is not in this category and cannot be used for childcare. Your child's life could be in danger if this happens again, so you need to take this seriously.

Glamorousglitter · 04/01/2018 07:55

That s neglectful and dangerous for your poor ds. Especially as she knew his history. Did she make any attempts to lower his temps?

Firstly ask her why she didn't call you and ask her why she didn't give him meds/ take his temp. (Did it come on super quick that she didn't get a chance to ...)

Then depending on her answer - either set really firm clear boundaries

dear MIL if you suspect ds is unwell you must firstly take his temp and then text me straight away.

when we lay out clothes please use the ones we have laid out for them for the day

But to the honest I think you should find alternate child care.

itshappening · 04/01/2018 08:08

I think if having to call an ambulance in the past still hasn't prompted her to respond appropriately to medical needs then she won't change. I would not leave your DS in her care, sorry. I realise this may be difficult financially but if his health is at risk, and it is, then your current childcare is not an option.

GertrudeCB · 04/01/2018 08:08

Pay for childcare. Simples.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 04/01/2018 08:09

Honestly, I always find it a bit strange when someone complains about free childcare. If you don’t like her and her free childcare service, find another one and pay for it.

She should have called you, but how was she to know things were going to get so bad for waiting a little bit for you?

PenelopeFlintstone · 04/01/2018 08:13

She should have called you, but how was she to know things were going to get so bad for waiting a little bit for you?
I agree.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 04/01/2018 08:13

Childminder/nursery or change work shifts so there is always you or the other parent at home.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 04/01/2018 08:21

Frankly, if you knew your child was unwell enough to give instructions and a thermometer with grandma, you should have not left him with her on the day.

I imagine the same scenario in paid childcare: “ He is unwell today, here’s the calpol, the thermometer, and let me explain you how to use it or what to do if he gets worse...”

Their response 100% of the time:

You shouldn’t have brought/sent the kid in today.

When they are unwell, especially if conditions are likely to flare up, it is your responsibility to stay with them at home.

OutandIntoday · 04/01/2018 08:26

You are not happy so regardless, you need alternative childcare. As others have said, with free family childcare you will never get a true say.

Original poster

Ninnibu · 04/01/2018 08:35

Man alive! You guys don't hold back! Meant in the nicest possible way.... I'm 42 and not an imbecile. If I could afford childcare or it was even an option I would use it. My days are too irregular and I've not come across a local nursery or childminder who can accommodate that without charging more than just the 2 days. To add. He was not unwell when I dropped him off. I'm not an idiot!! There is no job in the world more important than my kids. I live far away from my family and my husband only has his mum and Dad. They are vital for us at times and I don't want to upset them. Even though at the moment I feel like strangling her! I'm not looking for financial advice I really just wanted to know how anyone with a 'difficult' mil deals with them. She was a professional woman with a good job and lots or responsibility I just don't seem to be able to get through to her.

OP posts:

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