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Original poster

MIL won't follow instructions

54 replies

Ninnibu · 04/01/2018 07:32

Hi just signed up this morning! Need somewhere to vent my spleen and some friendly advice! Warning long post!!!

My MIL is intense. Worlds biggest busy body, knows everyone's business, thinks she's the font of all knowledge too (she ain't!). I work 2 days a week since having my 2nd son and both my MIL and FIL look after my now 2.5 year old. They also pick my 9yr old up from school. I need to go to work to adult, the extra money covers our mortgage and the work keeps me sane.

My main issue with her (I have lots!) is she doesn't listen to my instructions/information regarding ds. Small things sometimes, like I'll leave clothes out for him and she'll go and get something different to put on him. Other times (like yesterday) its big stuff! So I get to theirs after work to pick up the boys and I'm greeted with 'he's (2.5 yr old) not very well you know' ok and what's wrong?? So she starts to give me the account of his day. I follow her in to front room and he's lay on couch asleep absolutely beetroot literally 2 minutes later he's having a convulsion (unfortunately happens every time his temp spikes). This time it was a bad one and I rang for an ambulance. He's home and his temp is up and down, I'm following advice from hospital and keeping up with the Calpol etc. Anyhow! She doesn't listen!! She didn't ring me at any point during the day to say he was unwell?? When I work literally a 5 minute car ride away. She didn't attempt to give him Calpol when it was clear just by looking at him he had a temp. She didn't take his temp even though the thermometer is in his bag (and it's the idiot proof Braun one that I have showed her umpteen times how to use). I'm at my wits end! This is the second time this has happened. First convulsion he had happened at theirs and I arrived to pick the kids up greeted by blue flashing lights outside their house. Again didn't bother to tell me he seemed unwell. I'm at my wits end!! How do I get through to her? Anyone else have a similar situation and can offer some advice?

Thank you for reading!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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bluebells1 · 04/01/2018 08:37

Free childcare? Suck it up. Or pay for it.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 04/01/2018 08:38

Yep my MIL is like this. So we pay for childcare

Ellboo · 04/01/2018 08:40

So sorry to hear about your child’s convulsion, and hope all is well now, but your complaint about clothes suggests you are micro managing what is a kind offer from grandparents letting you work. I tried and gave up family childcare for this reason (as I suspect have other posters). If it is a favour you can’t dictate the smallest details.

Constructive advice? Get your DH involved - he may be better at communicating with them. Explain that you are close to giving up work after the convulsion. And let smaller stuff go.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 9 year olds Families General parenting

PhilODox · 04/01/2018 08:44

And in the nicest way possible, posters don't seem to be getting through to you.

You cannot expect an unpaid minder to provide a professional service. You just can't.
No-one is doubting your child is important to you, just pointing out that nurseries and childminders exist for a reason- they provide care to a good standard, and are inspected to ensure this.
If this isn't possible due to varying work patterns, then I'm afraid it may be time to look for a different job (I'm not saying that's easy or even possible where you are!), or your partner needs to look at how he can do his part in looking after his children.

I do hope your son is much better

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 04/01/2018 08:56

But she's not going to change, if you have free childcare 'you get what you're given' I'm afraid.

I was in the same situation with my youngest dd and MIL, I drove me daft, but you just have to suck it up.

If she is unable to tell when he has a temperature and he is at risk of seizures you need to make alternative arrangements though, can you change your job?

VeganIan · 04/01/2018 09:03

You say you can't afford not to work, but can you afford to leave your children with someone whose neglect (or oneupmanship) leads to your child needing an ambulance?

Have you asked her what her plan was for dealing with your DS? Mil, you knew he wasn't well. You know he fits when his temperature is up. You know because we've discussed it. You know this is why there is a thermometer and Calpol in his bag. Now you know what a febrile convulsion is. Would you have known to have called an ambulance?

SparkyBlue · 04/01/2018 09:05

OP mine used to get convulsions as well so I get how the child goes from slightly unwell to a convulsion in a short space of time. My mother hates giving suppositories and when mine get high temps they are the only thing to work so I can't let them with my mum if they have a bout of tonsillitis ( as that's always the temperature cause for my two) and she was my back up person if they were sick and couldn't go to their nursery. I have recently given up work as financially it wasn't working for me after childcare was paid so I do understand your predicament BUT you are getting regular free childcare so either you start paying and take the hit or accept that your mil won't be able to look after the children in the way you want.

NerrSnerr · 04/01/2018 09:11

Unfortunately OP this is the reality most of us face, you and your husband need to try and sort paid childcare MIL can’t be trusted. I don’t think you’ll get through to her. I had to change my working hours as our working hours didn’t fit with nursery hours. Ultimately your sons wellbeing needs to come first. You’ll manage without free childcare, it’s tough but if necessary for his health you need to do it.

thethoughtfox · 04/01/2018 09:12

She can't look after your child anymore.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 04/01/2018 09:14

i would be looking for other childcare, trust has been broken. Anyone can make a mistake, when it's repeated then it's an issue. I hope your Dc is okay.

icantdothis2017 · 04/01/2018 09:15

Wtf is wrong with some posters so because it's free child care that gives Mil the right to do what she wants with op child ?
What person wouldn't let mum or dad know child has become unwell in there care .

Ffs .

Op the clothes thing and little things you should let go but absolutely she should of told you and given him calpol if u said to

PurplePoppySeed · 04/01/2018 09:17

My MIL is literally to do the childcare, has asked repeatedly from DDs birth, she did a couple of days when I was on Mat leave and those days combined with her always falling ill made DH and I decide it wasn't worth the hassle/risk.

I'd rather have her as back up for when nursery can't take DD. If our decision had meant there was no point in me going back to work (due to childcare costs) then I wouldn't have gone back to work, it's that simple for me!

PurplePoppySeed · 04/01/2018 09:18

(Literally desperate) that should say!

thethoughtfox · 04/01/2018 09:18

I am so sorry you are in this situation but she cannot look after your child anymore. You must understand this. Her behaviour is dangerous. You or your partner will need to change your working patterns of pay for child care and this won't happen again. I would be very surprised if anyone gave you any other advice. Unless you take her to a doctor's appointment with you and have them explain it and give written instructions: sometimes they need a 'professional' to tell them to make it clear. I, personally, couldn't risk it.

PamelaBirthdaycake · 04/01/2018 09:18

Suck it up or pay someone
Lots of parents on here pay ££££'s for childcare!

Smurfy23 · 04/01/2018 09:49

If paying for childcare isnt an option then you need to differentiate between whats important and what isnt. The clothes thing may be irritating but its not important so you need to let it go. Pick your battles. The temperature thing is a big issue. I would sit her down calmly and say that, given what happened with the ambulance, in future she needs to ring you straight away as soon as he seems ill. Is it worth doing a first aid course? Some companies like Daisy do ones where they come to your house? You could all do it on the guise of making sure dc are kept healthy and avoids apportioning blame.

Original poster

Ninnibu · 04/01/2018 11:19

Thank you for all your advice (well that which can be counted as advice and not just sneering!) Smurfy23 that's a really good idea thank you. I have to say. I only signed up to Mumsnet this morning and that was my first time posting! I was incredibly naive as to the amount of negative and really judgmental responses I would get. I hope some of you don't speak to real life friends in the way you respond to posts. Lesson learned!

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 04/01/2018 11:44

No one is judging you, they’re just pointing out that you cannot have it every which way.

meandmytinfoilhat · 04/01/2018 12:19

You need a childminder OP. Don't leave your child in her care, she doesn't sound capable.

Bumplovin · 04/01/2018 14:20

This isn't really acceptable he's at risk with her if she can't apply basic sense to how to look after him if he's ill. My mum has my nephew she would take his temp give calpol, ring my sis to let her know and take him to the doctors if needed if she's incapable of doing any of this then I wouldn't be leaving my child with her

Bumplovin · 04/01/2018 14:21

Like would she even know what to do if he fell and bumped his head, would she observe him, check his pupils and all the other stuff you should look out for?

Kardashianlove · 04/01/2018 15:27

I think the situation you describe goes beyond asking for advice on dealing with a ‘difficult’ MIL.
Your DS was so ill that you had to call an ambulance and she had failed to call you/give him calpol/take his temp.

Yet you are considering leaving him with her again and want advice on ‘how to get through to her’. It’s not like she’s feeding him crisps and chocolate when you don’t want her to or letting him nap too late, she’s failing to keep him safe and it sounds neglectful that she just left him to become so sick and ambulance was needed.

They are vital for us at times and I don't want to upset them. You will have to find a way round this, honestly you can’t continue to leave your DC in her care. I hope your DS is ok. Maybe if you re-post, you could get some ideas for childcare, finance, etc to make it work but I don’t think trying to deal with/speak to your MIL is the right way forward.

Marcine · 04/01/2018 15:35

I agree with everyone else, she isn't able/willing to care for your child safely. If seeing her grandson carted off in an ambulance twice now isn't making her step up then I doubt anything you say will do the trick.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 04/01/2018 15:41

What does FIL say? There seem to have been 2 adults in the house, why isn’t he stepping up?

BritInUS1 · 04/01/2018 15:41

You need to find someone else to look after your children. You are unhappy with the way MIL cares for them and she is not going to change

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