SAHPs who send toddler to nursery when new baby comes along, is this a thing?

[HapsburgUrchin]

We've moved to quite a Naice area recently, and I've been surprised to find several families - where the mum is at home - who send their 1 or 2 year olds off to full time nursery, so the mums are effectively one to one with the new baby all day. Has anyone else heard of people who do this?

These people have a fair bit of money to splash around, so I realise most people couldn't afford to do this on a single income, but I'm not sure I'd want to even if I could?

I know looking after a toddler and baby is difficult, but despite the challenges, surely you want them to actually spend time together, and grow up together?

Initially I just thought it was a one off find, until I found several other families doing it, so I became intrigued... Is this more normal in circles where people are well off?

I'm guessing that you think this is the wrong thing to do, @HapsburgUrchin? As you can't see a need for it and so are prepared to judge the parents involved for making a choice that you wouldn't.

I am (mostly) a SAHM and have done this both times (3 days 9-3pm rather than 8-6 every day though) from the age of 2.5. I have a cleaner too. I always look frazzled though. I have newborn twins now and I couldn’t cope if DD2 (2.5) wasn’t at nursery 3 days a week. She would be bored too. I do not feel guilty now and I didn’t when DD1 went to nursery either.

Its not unusual for a wealthy ‘sahp’ to send toddlers / babies to nursery full time.

I'm a SAHM and plan to stay home until all of our children have started shcool assuming our finances can hold out that long. DS will become entitled to 15 hours per week from Easter under the 2 year old funding. We hadn't necessarily planned on sending him as soon as that, but have discussed sending him for a few half day sessions as he approached school nursery age to get him used to being out of the house.

I've found out I'm expecting DC2 in August/September (not had a dating scan yet), so we're now thinking of sending him as soon as he'sentitled. I wouldn't necessarily use the full 15 hours, nor would I choose to put him in for a full day, but to my mind is a way to guarantee him some stimulation while I'm getting breastfeeding established, and for me to get some 1:1 time with the new baby. I don't see it as a way of palming him off, I see it as a way to help be juggle mothering two small children. He's a sociable little boy, who loves going to groups and toddler sessions, he's used to going out to planned activites 5 days from 7. I physically won't be able to do one of them every week, as it's swimming, I won't be allowed to take two that young in by myself, it will rely on somebody being able to come with us. I don't want him to lose out on stimulation, nor do I want to never be able to give the new baby any of the 1:1 attention that DS got.

I don't like the judgey tone implying that putting your child in nursery while you're home is lazy or selfish parenting.

Cross post OP, I retract my last sentence :-)

I’m a SAHM and second child was born when first was 2.5. I realised quickly that I was getting zero time for either child - I struggled to make it to groups with the toddler as it was difficult to be present with toddler while managing a tired or hungry baby, and the baby got zero time beyond feeding as I felt so guilty about not being able to do much with the toddler while I was mostly sitting feeding. So I totally comprehend why people use nursery to allow both children to get some time where the focus is on them. Full time wouldn’t have been for me (and as it was I ended up muddling through with them both at home) but every situation is different and having multiple young children at home is hard and the guilt is heavy

Well op you would be talking about me.3 kids in 3 1/2 years.When 5th child arrived no.3 was old enough for playschool.So no.2 who was 18 months went to creche fr 2 mornings a week from 9.00 till 1.It gave me a few hours wiht only a baby but it meant i could do any appointments within them hours.And bring 1 child rather than 3.

You dont sound very nice nosy or not.You seem to be looking down your noses at people wiht different choices to you.Maybe they have an elderly relative or parents who are not to well.Or maybe they just like having 1 on 1 time with a new baby.

OP have you had a 2yr old and a bf-ing newborn?
I haven’t but I know my ds at 2 would have hated being confined at home by my Cs recovery and bf-ing in the early weeks. At that point in his life he was discovering his physicality and being up and at em all day long. If I’d had the money I’d have employed people to let him do that while I recovered from Cs and was pinned by establishing bf.

Haven't rtft but I did.
My son was 2 years and 2 months when my daughter was born and from the week she was home he continued to go to his childminders twice a week 9-5 best thing we ever did. I'd recommend it to anyone.

I would say it's unusual for a sahm to use full time private nursery and I have known none where I am do that. (Area with very high nursery costs) lots use pre schools / part days as described. So I would be surprised by this too. Though I am sure they have worked out a good balance for them.

I didn’t do this. I had a 23 months age gap and actually really enjoyed having them both at home full time. When toddler was 2.5 he started one morning a week at preschool which was increased to 1 day and 1 morning when he was 3.5.

We had no pressure to get anywhere at anytime. We went to a couple of toddler groups a week where people would cuddle baby while I could drink tea/chat/play with toddler. Other than that baby went in the sling and we got on with life as it were before she came along.

I also know lots of people who kept older DCs in theory nursery routine they had before 2nd Mat leave started. It works for them. Wasn’t for me, I don’t really believe that children need such regular 1:1 time and all that. Toddler got attention while baby slept/lived in sling and I managed to coordinate them both to nap at the same time for a glorious few months which gave me a bit of a break too.

museumum I had a 2yr old and an ebf newborn and no childcare. It worked fine. Toddler would read with me/play independently/sticker books/tv while I fed baby. She would be very happy in sling between feeds. No judgement but I just wanted to reiterate that not everyone has that experience and if you want to bf your baby and keep your bigger DC at home with you then it is possible and dare I say it...enjoyable! I found it far harder having them both at home once baby was crawling —and wrecking brio and Lego creations—

I was a stay at home mum, even thought money was tight at times, we both thought it important one of us to be with the children. You can't get that time back. I was asked how was I socialising the children - I went to parent and baby/toddler groups, met up with other mums, neither of my children went o nursery before starting formal school.

If you are a stay at home parent and child goes to childcare full time, you can miss so much.

Many SAHPs don’t have a wide social circle which enables them to leave the older one with family or friends regularly.

It’s so difficult being sleep deprived and looking after a toddler so of course people will use nursery this way if they can. Some might say it’s for socialising their dc but ultimately it’s about a much needed break IMO.

ODog Slightly derailing the thread here, sorry everyone! But how long did it take you to BF established with number 2? I had a hell of a time with DS, he would feed for several hours at a time, then have bouts of screaming (also frequently for several hours), and I was having to express and give top up feeds between that. I can't imagine managing that for the three months it took me and DS to get on top of BF with the new baby, and managing to care for a two year old as well. In fairness DS was tongue tied and CMPI, but I have no comparison though, I don't know which parts of our journey were normal/typical with establishing BF, and which were related to the TT and CMPI.

Doesn't Anyone look after their babies? Why bother if they are shipped out as soon as they're born ?

@lynmilne65 ha ha, yep, literally no one looks after their babies anymore. It's considered very passé. You need to get them in boarding school by 2 weeks otherwise you're doing it wrong.

Lynmilne65 That's harsh! Two half day sessions at 2 years old is hardly shippping them out as soon as they're born! It's comment like that which cause the crippling guilt many of us battle with for simply trying to do their best for their children!

@lynmilne65 How rude! Some people have jobs (shock horror!) and kids benefit from the social and learning aspects of a nursery setting.

Noones saying to ship your newborn from the womb to the childminder for 60 hours a week but even if they did, it’s not your place to judge other people’s parenting decisions!

Depends on the child surely? A 2.5 year old who merrily skips off to preschool to play with their friends, interact, learn and have fun is not being shipped off anywhere.

Rather unhealthy to keep a child at home all day everyday because one parent is not working. It’s good for children to get away from their main caregiver Now and again, learn there is life and fun without mummy always there. Of course some children enjoy preschool and others don’t. I doubt any are forced to go if they hate it. It’s no different to children spending time with relatives away from mum.

We do of course want our children to grow up and be ready for school and life in general without parents always being there. A lot of SAHP send kids to preschool so they are not at a disadvantage compared to children who go to nursery.

peapod every bf journey will be different. Arm yourself with knowledge and a support network now. Try to get to a local LLL (or similar) meet a couple of times before babe arrives. That way hopefully any issues that may (or may not) arise can be picked up and dealt with quickly. You will be fine and will find a way through which works for tor family.

You became intriguingly nosey more like, then decided to start another dry SAHP diss thread amongst the many, in the hope to escalate it.

There are so many threads related to women criticising other women' choices re work, home life, childcare, clothes, makeup that on some days it's difficult to scroll past. Horrendous envy. If you're not happy with your own life choices and circumstances then that's what you address, instead of criticising someone who's living how you'd want to if you had the chance, which is why it irks you.

If they and their little family aren't worrying about it don't let it disturb your sleep now

Ive read all the replies and not one other poster has said they are a SAHP and sent a 1 or 2 year old to childcare FULL TIME 5 DAYS A WEEK once a younger sibling arrived. So I think OP this isn’t a thing... maybe only where you live! I don’t think posters should get riled up when the OP is not questioning their choice? (Eg a few mornings a week for an 18mo or full time preschool for an over 3yo).

My second was born when eldest was 2 and 4months. I took eldest out of nursery when I started MAt leave. I could have left him in a couple of days a week, but I wanted to spend all my time with both of them. People thought I was crazy and I got loads of "the baby will miss out" type of comments. The baby got dragged to toddler groups and he was quite happy about that. Yes it was hard but I look back fondly at the mad times we all had together and now my 2 boys are very close. I also saved loads as my work were still obliged to pay the childcare vouchers, so when I went back to work I had a nice bank of them! It's really what works best for you.

Yes i did, started in the last month of pregnancy 2 half sessions a week. Firstly to give him some routine and secondly to give him time with kids his own age without being encumbered by a baby. He was 18 months.

It was massively beneficial both to him and our family when I unexpectedly returned to work 11 months later with a weeks notice.