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Parenting

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Original poster

Friend's baby being taken into care - need advice

93 replies

cornflakegirl · 22/04/2007 15:44

My friend is 21 and has a 3mo daughter. My friend has a lowish IQ (83) and has been living in an assessment unit since her daughter was born.

Her family and friends think that she is doing really well. She's keeping herself and her daughter clean, fed and happy. She is clearly totally in love with her daughter, and her dd seems very contented, growing well etc.

Her time in the unit is up this week, and social services are applying for a court order to take her dd into care when she leaves the unit. This seems to be based on an unreasonably high expectation of my friend's performance as a mother.

For example, they claim that her dd isn't bonded with her because her dd doesn't maintain constant eye contact with her while feeding.

I, perhaps naively, expected SS to help my friend to be a "good enough" mother, and believed that keeping a baby with it's mother was paramount unless there was a real danger of neglect (or abuse, which isn't a factor here).

My friend has a solicitor who seems to be good, but her family and friends are at a loss to know how best to help her keep her baby. Can anyone help?

OP posts:

saffy202 · 28/04/2007 22:21

I think that SS would be more concerned about your ds staying with your mum and her violent partner

nappyaddict · 29/04/2007 03:32

but my mum could give them my address?

she doesn't care about me moving but she doesn't want me to take ds.

this is what the hv has told her and then she passed it on to me. the hv has tried to meet with me about it but i refused as i was a bit pissed off that she has said she will contact SS as soon as i go to cardiff saying she is concerned. as you can expect i was a bit pissed off. maybe not the best way to handle it though.

nappyaddict · 29/04/2007 03:33

her partner isn't really violent. he has a temper but its the only time he's ever been violent to anyone in our family and was a one off i think. im guessing he would think twice about laying a finger on me or anyone again after he spent the day at the station although no charges were ever made.

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Fillyjonk · 29/04/2007 13:31

na sounds like your mum is basically talking manipulative shite, what a bloody hard situation for you. sympathy.

Overrun · 29/04/2007 13:40

Nappy, I am a social worker, although a SAHM at present, and also was in a different field than child protection.
I have to say, it all sounds like a pile of pooh. I would be gobsmacked if hard pressed ssd would do anything with you and your ds.

Fillyjonk · 29/04/2007 13:50

oh good was hoping youd say something, for obv reasons, o/r

Bucketsofdynomite · 29/04/2007 15:27

Nappyaddict, if your mum's partner can get himself worked up enough to hit you, you couldn't rely on him to be able to cope with the stress of an increasingly demanding and challenging small child in the home. Sounds like your mum is in a bit of a state, frightened of losing all of you, feels guilty and is hitting out blindly. You need to reassure her about her relationship with your DS, then you could try asking her to tell you the truth if you're brave enough.

nappyaddict · 29/04/2007 19:30

i've asked her if she is slightly exagerating the truth a bit and she insists that she isn't but who knows.

i don't think he would ever hit ds, he only did it to me because i pushed him out of the way when he was standing over me really close and shouting at me and intimidating me.

Original poster

cornflakegirl · 29/04/2007 20:51

Thanks to everyone who's posted suggestions about my friend (I'm really pleased this thread is proving useful to nappyaddict too)

There are lots of people at my church who would want to support my friend - but I don't think there's anyone who would be prepared to take on long term responsibility for my friend and her dd. I thought about whether I could do it, and I just couldn't commit to having my friend live with me for the next 18 years. I can't see that anyone else would be able to do this either, probably not even her parents, for various reasons that I won't go into.

It feels like the best option would be some sort of supported living environment - but I don't know if there is anything like that round here, or if she could get into it or anything.

It just makes me so sad, because it's going to break my friend's heart

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 12:29

apparently they don't deem mums bf as violent anyway cos he wasn't charged so they don't take that into consideration when looking at who he should live with.

similar thing happened to mums friends dd. 1st yr at uni she went back and forth every weekend to see her ds (she had him in the november), 2nd year she wanted to take her ds with her. her mum fought it and SS wouldn't let her saying that it would be too unstable for him moving from her family home in birmingham to manchester and then back to birmingham in the holidays and manchester in term time and finally back to birmingham again after she finished uni. she tried to again in the 3rd year and still wasn't allowed they also said they worried cos they didn't think they had bonded well. how exactly is keeping him away from her going to help them bond?!!!

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 12:30

were worried

gothicmama · 30/04/2007 13:04

I think it would be taken in to consideration even if not charged, is there someone you can talk too about this situation also don't focus on your mums friend ssituation all are different.You are after all mum to your lo I would speak to someone at uni about it slightly different but I have raised both mine whilst at uni

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 15:52

they are saying its not the fact that i am at uni its that i will be taking him from a very stable environment and uprooting him lots and he won't know whether he is coming or going. maybe they have a point? i hadn't really considered it before, it was all about me wanting ds to live with me, but perhaps thats a bit of a selfish view to take.

goddammit i think i've been brainwashed.

Muminfife · 30/04/2007 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 16:24

maybe its the coming backwards and forwards in the holidays that they are concerned about?

trice · 30/04/2007 16:24

I don't think it is unstable for a son to be with his mother all the time. It sounds ideal. I hope it all works out OK.

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 16:51

tbh i think its more unstable for a child to only see his mother when she can come back and see him.

Muminfife · 30/04/2007 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 16:56

also my cousins ds lives in leeds so once he started school he couldn't have him at the weekend, so would have him in the school holidays instead. i don't think he was "neglected." if we all went by this think how many kids wouldn't get to see their dads (or mums)!!

edam · 30/04/2007 16:59

Sounds very odd, if that is the case, they are clutching at straws. Plenty of people move around - are they saying children should be removed from forces families? I'd ignore anything you hear from your mum, tbh, second hand and could easily be her adding her twist to it.

edam · 30/04/2007 17:00

And what about divorced parents who share care so child is with father every other week? Personally I don't think that's ideal but I don't see social workers banning it!

Overrun · 30/04/2007 17:42

Nappy - I really find this very strange, I know there was one other example of this happening.
But if I were you I would be trying to read between the lines here, what has your Mum been saying, how are you coming across? I don't want to worry you, but there may be a subtext here that you are not picking up on.
There shouldn't be, they should say what they mean etc etc
I really thought for the most part that SSD were really trying to keep kids with their parents.
Honestly if I was able to tell you about some of the women I have supported to keep their dcs, you would know why I am perplexed by this

nappyaddict · 30/04/2007 18:11

i was hoping you'd pop up again overrun. so to you this doesn't seem like what would normally happen? mum swears she hasn't said anything against me and i think i believe her.

its just their reasons of us apprently not bonding and being uprooted seem a bit farfetched to me.

in a way can't wait for them to want to see me so they can see in actual fact we are very well bonded. don't see how a hv can report that a son and his mother haven't bonded when she's seen us together all of 3 times! 2 of them being before he was 3 weeks old and the other when he was 4 months.

gothicmama · 30/04/2007 21:02

nappyaddict have you actualy spoken to anyone or is the information you've been given third hand, I agree with overrun that ther may be a subtext going on, also if I was you I would arrange a meeting with hv or social worker if one is involved to explore how best to move ds in with you once you are out of halls try to find accommodation where you can stay there during the holidays if possible to minimise the toing and froing,

gothicmama · 30/04/2007 21:04

you also need to make it clear to them why you decision in 1st year to leave ds with mum has changed and explain it was a short term deision, the sooner he is with you the easier it wil be for him to make the change I also suggest you ensure you have a support network and child care planned prior to any meeting you have to show your commitment and that you have considered it

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