Friend's baby being taken into care - need advice

[cornflakegirl]

My friend is 21 and has a 3mo daughter. My friend has a lowish IQ (83) and has been living in an assessment unit since her daughter was born.

Her family and friends think that she is doing really well. She's keeping herself and her daughter clean, fed and happy. She is clearly totally in love with her daughter, and her dd seems very contented, growing well etc.

Her time in the unit is up this week, and social services are applying for a court order to take her dd into care when she leaves the unit. This seems to be based on an unreasonably high expectation of my friend's performance as a mother.

For example, they claim that her dd isn't bonded with her because her dd doesn't maintain constant eye contact with her while feeding.

I, perhaps naively, expected SS to help my friend to be a "good enough" mother, and believed that keeping a baby with it's mother was paramount unless there was a real danger of neglect (or abuse, which isn't a factor here).

My friend has a solicitor who seems to be good, but her family and friends are at a loss to know how best to help her keep her baby. Can anyone help?

Could a family member become the child's guardian? That way the mother would know her child and be involved but not be the primary carer with all the responsibility.

Worried about you now Nappyaddict! Why would you worry about something like that?

I looked at your profile and yes you are a young Mum (gorgeous too!) who likes to party. Once your son is not neglected in anyway you shouldn't have anything to worry about surely?

hijack - Nappyaddict, you are a great mum, you have nothing to worry about. You know everything I have been through, and at my lowest I couldn't even make SS have DS. {{hugs}}

NA whats up?

are you just generally worried cos of your age/student status?

is there something more to it?

i know at least a little about cardiff SS, but there is at least one (ex) social worker in cardiff on here, who might be able to give you an idea of liklihood.

This makes me so mad. Sorry I'm a lurker but read often. Anyway it makes me mad. I went through hell at the beginning of 1999 when my son was taken into care because I had servere PND because I didnt have enough support my son was adopted. I then had another boy in 2001 who was also adopted because of history but the same SS dealt with me. I then had a little girl in 2006 and she was placed in foster care because of historial stuff and they hadnt had time to reassess me becaush midwifes hasnt told them I was pregnant until about 4 weeks b4 the birth. Joanna was born in Jan 06 and she was immidietly placed into foster care and I went through intensive assessments, psyciatric assessments, parenting assessment ect. It became clear that I was treated badly with my boys and my soliciitor told me I could take it back to court if I wanted to but I wouldnt really gain anything as no court would over turn their adoptions. My daughter was placed back home with me and has been home 3 months now. I grieve every day for my sons and some days I will cry with my daughter for my boys. Obviously I don't sob uncrontrollably but you'll find me with tears just falling down my face because of sheer heartbreak SS can be horrible people but then on the other hand they can be great as well. Yes SS had to take my daughter into foster care because of historic concerns but they have been great as well in the help they've given once they knew Joanna was coming home. Got to go DD calling!!!!!!!

JM - thats is terrible to think SS has the power to take your kids surely if they had offered you the right help you could of had respite from them or at least just placed them with foster carers til you were fully better at least you could of seen them daily at their house truly tragic for you i feel bad sometimes with my kids when they were small and helpless even but think i would be pushed over the edge and never recover if they taken kids away. My heart goes out to you and i hope you find them to explain one day

JM - I am truly sorry you have had to go through such an awful time.
Actually you story is very scary to think that they want people to talk about PND & the way they are feeling but then obviously depending on how severe you PND is there is that chance they make take your children away, in you case they did & i feel this is truly tragic
I would have thought they could have given you help & guidenance until you felt more able, maybe placed them with a foster carer & you could have seen them on a daily bases?

Blimey i am quite shocked actually.

So glad you have your little girl with you but i think it is truly you never got the chance to have your boys back too, much love to you x

hopefully your friends solicitor will be ensuring everything is done correctly but i have to say it does sound as though SS have done all they can to give your friend the oppertunity to show she would be able to care for her dd.

how old are her parents? it may be possible for her parents to take parental responsibility for the child so that she will still remain within the family and your freind can remain her mum without the pressure of having to do it all herself.

obviously this would need assessing to see whether it would work, but it may be an idea to suggest to your friend

I think SS are prejudiced against people with learning diffs, tbh - that's the impression I get from my sister who works with people with LD.

I actually know someone who fought till they were blue in the face agaist ss due to them wanting to take the children away, it toke a year but they won & ss backed down, it never even got to court in the end!

Sorry I don't have any advice but feel desperate for your friend. Good luck and Joannasmom what a sad story

sorry, only read OP before posting. Wish they could find a responsible adult who could share care with the mother, though, and help the mother deal with these issues.

But it's true that SS can be prejudiced. One case my sister knew about, the SW was claiming the father was 'over involved' because he was visiting his partner in hospital every day and wanted to go to the supported unit to see her. SS thought the unit was a good idea, in part because it would stop the father visiting too often. This wasn't a case of abuse, he genuinely cared about his girlfriend and baby.

can she not go into a mother and baby unit?

about me ...

basically my mums boyfriend hit me so i rang the police. cos my ds was there at the time they have to automatically contact SS. not all of you no my situation so i will fill you in. i am at uni 3 days a week and on those 3 days my mum looks after ds whilst i stay in cardiff (otherwise it is a 2-3 hour commute.) come september the plan was for me and ds to get a flat together in cardiff (i couldn't get one the first year.) obviously ds will have to go to nursery or cm whilst i am in lectures. HV and SS seem to think he would be better off staying with my mum cos he has a better life now than what he would have if he lived with me because i am a student and they think that environment is not good for him. i thought it was a load of old codswallop but maybe not ...?

What do YOU want nappyaddict? What do YOU honestly honestly feel is best for you and your DS? If you feel that you can cope with your DS in Cardiff and that you can sort out the necessary childcare and manage financially then no matter what HV or SS think that should be what you do.

I would also point out that you don't want your DS to spend more time than is necessary around your Mum's violent BF. Sorry to hear that he hit you. What does your Mum say about it all?

(Have to go now but will check back later)

Nappy, that sounds very odd - what concerns do they actually have about your ability to care for ds? Because 'being a student' isn't a good enough reason to remove a child. There are plenty of student mothers! I think sometimes SWs put pressure on people knowing their clients will follow orders because of the fear of losing your child. But those orders may well overstep the mark, IYSWIM.

that's nonsense on their part Nappyaddict, don't let them get to you, you are his mother and you are best placed to decide whether he'd be better off with your mum or with you. If you think you can do it, go for it. please don't let ss undermine your confidence in your ability to be a good and caring mother to your son xx

(i'm on my own with 2 of them, might mean i can't go out as much but wouldn't change it for the world )

Nappyaddict, there are and have been for decades flippin loads of single mums at uni fulltime - most unis have a tiny amount of family accommodation in fact (gold dust obviously). As long as you're not sharing a house with a filthy bunch of unhygienic undergrads like me and my housemates were you and you're DS'd be fine . That's the only reason I can think of, that they're picturing The Young Ones so just reassure them that you have seen your future accom and any housemates etc and as a mum deem them suitable.

Cornflakegirl: it would be worth finding out the name of her social worker and her social worker's manager. Then write to them about how much you don't want them to be split up, how you can support her etc. Also get everyone who knows her and agrees with you to do the same. They will have to file and respond to the letters and it will build a stronger case in her favour for future legal action. Keep copies of everything. Good luck

nappy addict speak to uni counsellor etc they wil help you find suitable accom and nursery ssd will be more likely to see leaving ds with your mum and violent bf as a form of abuse

Yes social services can be complete bummers. It really is a long story with me so I won't completly go into it. They did let me bond with my son and I finally bounded with him when he was about 7 months of age but then they still decided to have him adopted on the grounds I had mental illness AKA postnatal depression which can be treated however obviously not in SS eyes. Like I said (I think?) my solicitor this time siad I have good grounds on new reports to take the said social workers back to court for recognition in the court arena that I was treated badly and my boys were adopted wrongly. She said I could possibly get compensation but couldnt promise but I could NEVER get the adoption over turned because no court would ever allow that because it wouldnt be fair on the boys which I can understand. At the moment I'm not taking it back to court because I'm tired of fighting because on and off I did it for 6 years and it's only just ended with a good result of me getting my daughter home. I need to concentrate on her at the moment and regain srength in myself before I fight anymore but I feel like it's not over yet but I need a rest and enjoy my daughter. The boys are safe and happy and let's be honest thats the main thing for now.

My advice to anybody in the social services boxing ring is have a good solicitor representing you whether it's in the court arena or not. Know what to say and when to say it. Nod in all the right places and tell them to F off in your head. I'm not saying bow down the the a@@wipes but you've got to to a certain degree because sadly they do have a lot of power. Know when to fight your corner but don't snipe every five minutes. I've been told that I've got about 18 months left with them watching but there's not been one negative comment with my parenting with my daughter. I'm no perfect mum cause there is no such thing but it's a whole different world of parenting when you've got a social worker over your shoulder. I'll give advice to anybody that requires it because I've been in the thick of it. If I'd lost my daughter to social services I wouldnt be here today and I'm not just saying that because I wouldnt ave. It got to a stage where I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I hated the fact I could get pregnant when God obviosuly had no intention for me to be a mum which was the only thing I wanted out of life. I felt guilty because there are people out there that couldnt concieve and I could but was unable to keep them. I'll always be angry at God for taking my boys away from me but I do believe there is a reason for everything.

na in that situation you should be able to get a house, if that's your home, and you've been hit in it, and you have a child, the council should class you as homeless. But it would be a twlc. More pertinantly, I'd go and see student services, explain that ss are talking about taking your kid away because you have no choice but to leave him with someone who is violent. They really should be able to do something.

have been to student services and they can't help me get a flat but i have found one anyway that is more than ok. it has just been refurbished and is sparkling. only me and ds will be living there so no worries about dodgy flatmates. really don't know where SS are coming from on this. seems that different areas can have very different tactics. someone told me that SS have to have targets to meet and thats why sometimes kids get taken away that shouldn't be. don't know how much truth is in it though.

SS have no targets for how many children to take away!

NA - i studied to become a social worker whilst i had a son as did 98% of my year. being a student has absolutly no bearing on how well you can care for a child.

they may be making assumptions based on your current situation because of the ommute or whatever.

when you move i assume you would be within a different borough, my advice would be to just move and get on with your life.
unless you pop back up on SS radar for any reason there wil be no need for them to contact you again.#

(just never tell anyone i told you that)

yes i am moving to wales, cardiff specifically, so different area completely. i was told they couldn't do anything til i moved anyway and then they would contact cardiff SS. all this is 2nd hand info from my mum. do you think she could be slightly exagerating?

i think what they are getting at is not the fact i am a student mum, but the fact ds will be going from an environment where has one to one attention all the time, to one where he is obviously not going to get that and that he could have a better life if he wasn;t living with me?

if you have not heard this from a social worker then ignore it all completly.

if they had any concerns at all they would be contacting you directly, not passing messages through your mpther.

has she by any chance displayed any upset about the fact you may be moving? sounds as thought she is useing this as an excuse to try and stop you.

if you move SS wouldn't have your new address unless you gave it to them.

unfortunatly this is a loophole that many abusers use, if you move they have no real way of tracking you down until someone reports you or whatever.