‘Attachment parenting’ and starting nursery

[crazycatlady5]

‘Attachment parenting’ In quotes as I guess I have kind of fallen into that style of parenting with no aim or purpose. I have a Velcro baby who I’ve coslept with most of her life, she has never ever taken a bottle or cup (she’ll only drink water out of them now at 10 months), I babywear a lot and she’s not been left to cry for any length of time.

She’s a very ‘friendly’ baby, so although she relies on me a lot she will happily go to anyone and laughs a lot and cuddles etc.

I’m going back to work soon 😭 and I’m nervous about nursery. She has always fed to sleep for a start so I’ve no idea how they’ll manage to get her to sleep. People tell me that nursery staff have magical powers though! I hope that’s true.

Sounds ridiculous but has anyone ever been nervous that nursery/childminder might ‘sleep train’ your child?

Don’t really know what my question is. I suppose it is: people who AP, what have your experiences been when you’ve finally had to leave your child?

Thanks Marcine - feeling like I'm going round in circles here....

Natalia said her GP congratulated her on being sahm and then she made point folk lie to your face to be socially nice
So,applying that logic, her GP is in fact lying to her just to be socially nice
Marcine you suggested nursery staff sugarcoat to me.i agreed they probably do
Teachers,nursery staff will usually always put a +ve spin on a child’s day
So Natalia point that GP and folk praise her for being sahm is moot point as she also said People in real life generally express views they think you will agree with

That's exactly what she said Lipstick! GP says Sahm is good because she's a sahm.

Oh, dear God. We really are going round in circles here..... I only used the example of the GP as it always amuses me, not because I'm trying to make any kind of big deal about it or because I think he's the arbiter of brilliant childcare arrangements.

You were dismissing Marcine's experience because nobody had said that to you. My point was they would be unlikely to, so that's no basis on which to dismiss her.

I totally agree with Marcine, I too, work in a babyroom and have over 25 years of childcare experience.

Wow, this has taken an unpleasant turn.

@Marcine, what exactly isn’t fair? Are you saying you’d expect me to get my daughter on to a bottle or cup and sleep train her before nursery? Sleep training is abhorrent and I tried for 6 months to get her on to a bottle and/or cup, so where does that leave me exactly?

Feeling much less confident about my decision now as I just feel as though you’re saying all nursery nurses lie?!

@Marcine, what exactly isn’t fair? Are you saying you’d expect me to get my daughter on to a bottle or cup and sleep train her before nursery? Sleep training is abhorrent and I tried for 6 months to get her on to a bottle and/or cup, so where does that leave me exactly? confused
What exactly are your expectations for nursery? Will she manage without any milk all day? Where and how would you like her to sleep? It's not fair to just hand her over to nursery only ever having breastfed and coslept, think how distressing that sudden change will be.

Re: expectations I don’t have any which was the whole point of my original post.

www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/toddlers/helping-your-toddler-with-separation-anxiety was really helpful for me.

I think you need to decide what you want, and then find childcare that can do that - realistically at a nursery she will probably need to sleep in a cot or on a mat. If you are very opposed to that, then maybe nursery is not the right choice for you. Have you considered a nanny?
To be honest there is no magic solution, and nursery nurses don't work magic. She may eventually get her to take a bottle/cup if she gets hungry enough, but that can be very upsetting. They will undoubtedly get her sleeping in a cot but you could do that at home, and at least she'd be in familiar surroundings and comforted by her mum.

Don't underestimate the power of peer pressure for making little ones nap/eat/fit in with nursery routine - I think that's a lot of the "magic" of nurseries. Within a week of starting our son (who'd never had a solo nap in his life) voluntarily went to lie on his mat after lunch and they rubbed his back while he dozed off. It is worth experimenting with different cups to at least give her a bit of practice trying different types. Do choose a nursery that you feel confident will treat him gently while she gets used to the new set up or if she's feeling under the weather. And if she's your first, I should probably warn you that the first 4-6 months are a bit of a nightmare with illness while their immune systems get used to all the germs!

Thanks @UnaOfStormhold! It’s not so much the bottle or cup brand it’s that she flat out refuses my milk or formula from them I have a cupboard that I have lovingly named the bottle museum

crazy I wouldn't worry about milk. She'll be about 12mo won't she? I didn't express for my DD and I didn't ever try formula so when she started Nursery at 12mo, she was offered cows milk and water in a cup (I used a doidy with both at home but she took to a tommy tippy there) and she ate the meals they provided. She BF before I dropped her and when I picked her up and then** throughout the night but milk during the day wasn't an issue.

And like I said in my post she slept in a coracle bed (Community playthings if you want to google what I mean) so not all nurseries are cot or mat. Although if that if your choice, I'd ask them to use the mat, her own sleeping bag, teddy, etc.

@teaandbiscuitsforme thank you

No,marcine isn’t right it’s not solely a mat,cot or can’t attend nursery
A good nursery will work with you crazycat,they’ll not impose upon you
Have settle sessions talk about baby preferences,and don’t have a wobble on one person pov
Peer pressure,yes. My dc ate stuff at nursery they don’t eat at home. The social milieu of nursery is child centred and they imitate and copy little friends

My eldest was always fed to sleep and I too worried about how they would get him to nap when he started at 11 months! They managed fine. He was rocked to sleep in their arms or in a pushchair. He refused formula and didn't eat a huge amount in the day but would feed more at night to make up for it. My second is the same and I'm sure they'll manage fine. The settling in sessions really helped and I did organise one around nap time. He probably fell asleep easier there because there's more of a set routine!

Thanks very much Lipstick and Smallsteps, really helpful xx

My dc,ate pineapple at nursery.not home.i popped in one day unannounced
Sure thing,all the kids helping selves to chopped fruit from a platter, and a group vibe of them all eating

My daughter sounds similar to yours, she started nursery at 10.5 months and we are now nearly 3 months on. She really enjoys it there, is excited to arrive and toddles into the room as soon as I get her out of the puschair/ tries to escape back in when I pick her up and wrestle to get her back into the puschair!

It is really, really hard at first as my outgoing baby who would sit with anyone became super clingy and cried everytime I left her with them. We did a 2 week settling in period, where she went every day for 2 weeks, and then even though she was only supposed to be going 4 days a week, I took her in for 5 shorter days for the first 2 weeks after this. I think it really helped, she got in to the routine and now it’s all very natural to her.
Although she used to cry when I left her, I do know that by the time i’d left the building she had settled as I’d listen outside the window! The staff told me this but I’m not sure I’d have believed them. At the start/during settling in she did cry a lot more.

Sleepwise - she only has 1 post lunch nap at nursery. She still has two at home, so this is a bit of an issue but if they try, she doesn’t want to sleep. She also only slept for about 45 mins to an hour to start with but they managed to get her to sleep by singing to her and patting her in the cot. They do behave differently at nursery, or at least seem to start learning/developing skills more quickly around things like sleep and she now naps really well they just pat her for a bit and goes to sleep along with all her little friends in their cots/on mats.

Milk - she refused formula and they do still try her with a bit of cows milk every day when all the others get theirs, but has a tiny sip and rejects it. She’s fine though, I used to feed her when I picked her up but now wait til we get home (and don’t collect until 5.30/6 after she’s been there since 8:30). She did breastfeed loads more at the weekends however, and along with the clingy-ness when she started I think this was mostly for comfort.
However, she eats really well at nursery and often has seconds so makes up for this. It’s helped me to stop stressing about her solid food intake as I know she eats really well when there so it doesn’t matter so much if she doesn’t eat so well at the weekends.

During settling in I really, really questioned whether it was the right thing to do and that we just kid ourselves that it’s OK. I feel it was completley the right decision for us, although at the time for a few weeks it felt like the hardest thing I’d done. Good luck!

I've two - both fed to sleep and DD wouldn't take a bottle. Before going back to work, I got DH to put them down for naps at the weekend so they got used to another way. DD was rocked to sleep in arms and DS was rocked in buggy. Both didn't sleep as well in nursery as they did for me but they slept. The bottle thing worked out fine for DD actually. but she took along time to settle - maybe a month. She drank water out of a cup. It was hell settling her. DS settled straight away. I was dreading it but he was 100% fine.

I really recommend getting your DP to start putting the baby down though. Also trying to introduce a transitional item is helpful. A small teddy that has your smell will help them.

Oh with DD I took the staff at the word and had one settling in day. With DS I learnt my lesson and did it very slowly. Maybe that's whupy he settled in better.

Wouldn’t say I’ve got a Velcro baby but nap times will only sleep on me or DP but she will sleep in her cot (apart from currently as she’s ill but that’s another story). She started nursery at 7 months - they get her to nap in a bouncy chair - miracle workers!!! I also once went in and about 15 under 2 year olds were all asleep at the same time - totally reassured me they’re magic.

And mine has never once cried dropping her off. She loves the place and has from day one!

Those coracles look really lovely! I hope more nurseries decide to start using them.

I think Marcine does make a good point - nursery nurses can't magically do things you can't also do at home, and if the nursery is very rigid in e.g. needing babies to sleep in a cot, then it probably would be beneficial to try and get the baby used to those things, but I do think it's just one perspective and style of nursery - other posters have mentioned lots and lots of sleep options, such as staff using buggies or slings or rocking children to sleep before putting them down.

Plus, sometimes children do just do things for other people that they don't do for you - it's not "magic", it's just the fact of a different environment and peer pressure, aka the fact all the other babies are doing it and they love to mimic! DS would always eat food with his childminder he wouldn't touch for me, even when I made sure to ask which exact brand she bought and got the same one. And he used to go off to sleep without crying when my mum babysat. Not every time, sometimes I'd come home and they'd be sitting watching TV (but I didn't mind that), but she wouldn't have lied to me, so I believe that he went off without a fuss, which he wouldn't have done for me. Sometimes they understand more than we think, they certainly know that different people have different tolerances in what they will offer.

I have a friend who is a nanny and she says the same - quite exasperated because her style is to get the baby sleeping independently in a cot but because the parents won't back this up, she is forced to use a carrier or buggy for all this child's sleeps and she finds it difficult, because the parents expect her to do lots of other things that she just doesn't have the opportunity to do when she's holding a sleeping baby all the time. In that case it's a clash of expectations and to some extent styles, because she feels they should be getting the baby used to the cot, whereas actually there's nothing inherently wrong in holding a baby to sleep all the time, but it might not be something that your caregiver is willing to do - so just ask them upfront.

I really think it is a combination of reasonable expectations and communication. Ask the nursery directly: What would you do if she doesn't settle? What different things would you try? Is it a problem that she doesn't do X, Y? Have you dealt with babies who aren't used to these things before? If the answers are vague or dismissive, then you'll know it's sugarcoaty. If you're getting the sense that some aspect is non-negotiable, you have some time to start working towards it.

As PP have said, a good childcare setting will not leave your daughter to cry alone to sleep. How she responds and how much she cries very much depends on her temperament. Marcine makes a very valid point in that some children will really struggle to settle for naps and will find it distressing. Babies will be comforted and all nurseries I viewed will rock, pat, put them in a buggy etc but you should be prepared that your baby may still cry for a while before she finally sleeps. Other babies will watch their peers and follow suit with minimal resistance. No matter how she reacts initially, she will settle and will go there happy and come home happy. As Eleanor mentioned, it takes 6-8 weeks and you need to be prepared for that transition time to be tough (for you both).

January is so close - go see the nurseries as soon as possible to find out how they approach these things. If you have the option of a childminder, visit one too so you can compare the different settings. I prefer the childminder setting for my daughter who (as you already know) is a difficult sleeper. I feel the home environment suits her much better and she bonded with the childminder from our first visit.

You probably are already planning this but start settling her into nursery a couple of weeks before you go back to work and if nursery has the capacity, send her for 4-5 days when you are settling her as she will adjust much faster following the same routine for multiple days. (I have two family members that own a nursery and they recommended I do this with any childcare I choose - it worked brilliantly).