‘Attachment parenting’ and starting nursery

[crazycatlady5]

‘Attachment parenting’ In quotes as I guess I have kind of fallen into that style of parenting with no aim or purpose. I have a Velcro baby who I’ve coslept with most of her life, she has never ever taken a bottle or cup (she’ll only drink water out of them now at 10 months), I babywear a lot and she’s not been left to cry for any length of time.

She’s a very ‘friendly’ baby, so although she relies on me a lot she will happily go to anyone and laughs a lot and cuddles etc.

I’m going back to work soon 😭 and I’m nervous about nursery. She has always fed to sleep for a start so I’ve no idea how they’ll manage to get her to sleep. People tell me that nursery staff have magical powers though! I hope that’s true.

Sounds ridiculous but has anyone ever been nervous that nursery/childminder might ‘sleep train’ your child?

Don’t really know what my question is. I suppose it is: people who AP, what have your experiences been when you’ve finally had to leave your child?

I haven’t read all the advice so far but the big thing for me was letting DD know the staff before I left her- I sat as a background person unable to interact with her (I took work or a book) and only left her when she had a bond with someone. Her nursery encouraged this so it fitted in really well with what was right for us but others won’t - do visit and with the right one you’ll feel really positive hopefully and the sleep thing will work itself out!

It will be fine. Just be honest with the staff. Also see if you can do a gradual induction. E.g., an hour each day, then two, etc. I know it will take up time but it will be worth it compared to a quick start at full time.

Exactly the same boat here and I'm dreading DS starting nursery. He's very clingy - even cries going to Grandma for a cuddle when I'm stood next to him. My eldest was much more chilled and settled into nursery within a couple of weeks. I'm literally lying awake at night worrying about this but I know the ladies in his room are lovely so am just hoping their experience and expertise will see him through. I just keep reminding myself that he's had me on call 24 hours a day for a year now which is a lot more than some babies get. It doesn't stop me feeling guilty though

I've also asked them the question about sleep and been reassured that they'll rock him to sleep or whatever he needs.

I take my DS to the Nursery I work at (so I'm aware possibly slightly different as I already know) but most nurseries will do what is best for your child - often told buy you. They will ask about your DD's routine, what works, what doesn't work what she likes/dislikes etc and go from there. Personally, my Nursery and others I've worked at are pretty against just dumping a baby in a cot and leaving them to sort themselves out unless STRICTLY advised to do so by the parent and even then there are limits!!! Find a good Nursery and make sure you are very thorough with your wishes I promise they will listen to you!!! Good luck 😁😁

I wasn't a full-on AP, never coslept but fed DD to sleep every time, she wouldn't go near a bottle, used a sling almost exclusively, and went back to work when she was 7 months old. With the CM, she would take a bottle or a sippy cup if she was desperate for milk, but otherwise made do with food and water until I got back. She napped in the car on the school run and never napped in a cot again. At the weekends I had the time to take her out for a long walk or drive, but of course the CM didn't, and she was fine. She adapted really well, loved going to the CM, and was very happy there until she asked to go to nursery when she was about to turn 4. The hard bit was leaving her the first few times, but I very quickly got used to it.

This is all brilliant and has made me feel loads better.

I didn’t necessarily assume nursery nurses would plonk babies in the cot and leave them too it but I’m aware they’re probably very busy and also so many kids are either sleep trained or just seem to naturally love their cots (according to most gloating parents I speak to )

Hey loads of good advice on here, just adding my experience.

The nursery we chose have higher staff to child ratios than others did (2-1 rather than 3-1) and they tailored their approach to each child for key aspects of care including sleep. Some babies came to nursery already knowing how to nap on their own. Before going to nursery my DS never bloody napped without me rocking/walking around with him in sling or pram for an hour but nursery staff sat with him and basically patted him to sleep every nap time until he got into a routine. I think in a nursery setting more than other childcare settings, kids see what the other kids are doing and generally copy.

As others have said it s good to have settling in sessions and 'spying' sessions so you can watch the nursery at work. We took advantage of this (those sessions were free as well for us which was good).

Ask them how they would get her to sleep, before we decided to just drop the morning nap they said they'd either try rocking him in their arms, pushing a pushchair back and forth, patting to sleep in the soft reading corner and walking around with him outside.

I have turned up at lunchtime to collect DC and found one member of staff with a sleeping baby in one arm and pushing a pushchair back and forth with the other. The only fussing babies are my DC who gets cross if he isn't immediately picked up by me and another boy whose mum collects him about 10 minutes after I collect my DC, he's cross because I'm not his mum and he knows she's coming.

Should also add that my DS is now toddler and skips the odd nap and the staff never force him to nap if he doesn't want to - they give him the opportunity but don't push him.

My DD's nursery was great at rocking her to sleep to start with them slowly stopping, she's 17months now and goes down on a camp bed at nap time with all the others. She still won't do that for me though.

The only issue I had was I think settling sessions were left too late (I did apply 6 months before though so it was a nursery issue). We basically had 4 sessions in the 4 days the week before she started. I think she would have settled in better if we had started a few hours here and there a few weeks before. So I would get on a book in now.

Nursery is great for babies, fun and met other babies and adults
so do settling sessions,
Take familiar blanket or toys for baby
Don’t do a long fraught goodbye it’ll stress you out,no long 30+ min handover
Fake it to make it,even if you feel grim,slap On a smile and get own with it. Baby picks up cues from you, so when discussing nursery be upbeat

Ignore the nay sayers who’ll inevitably drone on horror stories about nursery
You don’t have to justify or explain to anyone else

Yes I agree, don't draw out the goodbye especially if your child is nervous about separating. Just a breezy Have fun, love you bye! And walk away, even if she starts crying. Walk just out of sight and then wait so you can hear that she calms down (and she will!)

During settling in sessions you can do this repeatedly and just leave for a really short time so that she understands you come right back again. Then lengthen the time.

I had the same worries here! But at 9 months he loved nursery, and is and I quote 'the happiest baby' they have.
He co sleeps and breast feeds. Follow your heart on any nursery/childminder choice. We did and they do everything as we do (as much as they can) and they are amazing! We did have to visit a few, to get THE ONE feeling x

I agree that it's about finding the right Nursery. I looked at 2 for my DD starting at 12mo. I said to them both that she didn't sleep in a cot (BF, coslept etc).

The first one said 'They all sleep in a cot here' tinkly laugh

The second said 'Not a problem. We have lots of different options and we'll find what works.'

Guess which one I chose?? She never did sleep in a cot. They rocked her in a chair and put her down in a little coracle bed and then she started climbing into her little coracle when she was tired!

Good luck. It'll be fine and you'll all adapt!

Def do quick drop off and go, handover,kiss on cheek and walk away smiling
Let nursery know your baby routine, and preferences, take in a familiar blanket etc
My kids went FT nursery at 6mth and they all flourished.happy,secure,attached

I have worked in nursery baby rooms and honestly I will say it can be extremely distressing for babies to go from feeding/cosleeping to having to sleep in a cot at nursery. I understand why parents want to leave the difficult/distressing bit to nursery staff rather than do it themselves but I wouldn't do that to my own babies.

Nursery nurses do not have magical powers, they get babies sleeping in cots the same as anyone else would. Some babies cope OK, some spend 40 minutes screaming at every nap time (yes, even while being patted/rocked/stroked by the nice lady they barely know) until they fall asleep exhausted for 15 minutes.

The babies who find transition to nursery least stressful are the ones who will already take a bottle and can fall asleep in a cot (a little bit of help rocking/patting is fine, they don't need to totally self settle). But you get some who turn up having never had milk from anything but a breast, only ever feeding to sleep, never slept in a cot by themselves - and parents expect staff to 'work their magic'. It isn't fair on the baby, the staff or the other children.

Not fair? That’s quite emotive Marcine.babies adapt and no nursery staff aren’t magicians
But I’d not expect staff to think introducing babies to a cot/new environment unfair
And if nursery staff do think it unfair keep that opinion to yourself

Marcine would yoiu tell the parents it took 45 mins of screaming to get them to sleep? I'm suspicious nurseries just tell parents all was fine as most parents say the nirseries do magic...

Very unfair on the baby Lipstick, most nursery nurses hate seeing babies in such distress.

Cappuccino - yes, I think there's a fair bit of pressure on nursery staff to sugarcoat it. Can you imagine the shit a NN would get from management and probably the parents too if they said "it was terrible and your baby was absolutely beside themselves". Parents want to hear "bit of upset at nap time bit she's getting there, I rocked/patted her off and she had a little nap in the cot".
Then of course the parents complain that naps are too short, she has a 2 hour nap at home and now is overtired and waking all night.
The vast majority of babies do settle within 2-3 months, though a few are always a bit sad.

I think you're somewhat over embellishing this,you seem to have an agenda marcine
Do you agree with babies going to nursery at all?
2-3 month to settle, I’d imagine 2-3weeks. But you’ll come back and ask have I worked in nursery, no I haven’t so let’s get that out the way
I don’t think all nursery staff have your pov marcine,not those I’ve encountered
But of course you’ll probably say I’ve been hoodwinked by nursery...

I'm not sure what you want to argue with me about, I can only give my experience.

I not seeking to argue with you,but you seem to have an agenda
Do you agree with babies going to nursery?

Of course I 'agree' with babies in nursery, did you miss the bit where I said I have worked in baby rooms? One of my children also went to nursery as a baby.
It isn't a black and white issue - nursery isn't purely good or bad with no room for a range of experiences. Some nurseries are better or worse, some babies settle well, some are always miserable.
I do wish parents would consider it from the baby's point of view and try to make it easier for them, because spending weeks with a very distressed baby is not a great experience for anyone.