Handling Grandparents opinions..

[KittyHow]

So we are expecting our first child next month, and very excited.

She will be the first grand child on my side, I've now been to a couple of the antenatal classes and breast feeding lessons and they talk a lot about not letting baby cry it out, how it causes stress and feeding on demand not by time.

I know this goes against everything my parents generation were told, I get that advice changes, I don't think they do...

How do you manage the comments that I can just tell are going to head my way?

I already briefly mentioned the above advice to my mum, and just got hmm in response. I know this means she doesn't agree at all.

Do I just have to accept that will be the most supportive I will get? I know my grand parents will be a lot more vocal about it!

Your baby, your way. If you can find any literature let them have a read and get themselves up to date, but at the end of the day, baby will be with you most of the time therefore you can do what you want.
Long while ago for me now, but I couldn't let my son cry it out when he was small, if they're crying they need something, be it food, love, warmth. Once they get a bit older they can be left a little while, but I personally wouldn't when very small.

Posted too early!

My mum was a bit like this as was my mil, but when I got snide comments I just said that I wanted to do things my way, that was what made me feel comfortable. I did actually tell them both, that I was following advice, but that he was my baby and I was going to do things how I felt was best. It is hard, but you have just got to be honest otherwise you will end up resenting them. If you're with them and they won't follow your way, take baby and leave. They will soon get the message.

I think she said Hmm because she didn't want to disagree. In her mind she might be thinking - we'll see what happens when you have the baby because invariably despite all the ante-natal advice you'll find your own way of doing things and that might include finding a routine does work for you and your baby.

Your mum has inadvertently given you some fab advice! You hear something you don't agree with, say "hmmm" then change the subject. Success.

Just do your own thing. Your DM and MiL have had their turn parenting, they need to move over and let you bring up your child your way.

p.s. I am a DM, DGM and MiL :) and I never, ever left my DCs to 'cry it out'......

She said 'hmm'. I would, and I say this gently, learn not to take offence at 'hmms'. A lot of my friends said a lot of things before they had kids. To most I said 'hmm' mainly because offering too much advice before a baby is born is pointless. Do you know for a fact that your mum didn't demand feed and left you to cry? In fact I found my mother and MIL massively stressing out when the baby cried while I would be like, give me a second, I will get ready to feed, 45 seconds of yelling won't scar him for life.

As a grandparent I felt I was treading on eggshells as I wanted to give advice when my DS and DIL were distressed about baby reflux. They both got so exhausted that it came to a head and we argued and cleared the air.

Please be aware that the baby will pull heart strings for the grandparents too, I'm happy to learn new thinking if it works and if the parents aren't exhausted by doing it by the book.

Accept advice for what it is. And choose your own path. But don't poo poo experience.

How open minded is she likely to be? Can you find websites, Facebook pages, books etc that she'd be prepared to read? I recently came across this quote from Maya Angelou 'Do you best. And when you know better, do better'.

My children are 32 and 30 and I breast fed totally on demand and didn't let my children cry and not go to them. I certainly wasn't unusual amongst my friends. Are you sure there will be a problem?

My mother had her babies in the 50s and 60s. She never let any of us cry-in a controlled or uncontrolled way. Lots of young mothers on here are firm advocates of both. So don't trouble trouble til trouble troubles you!

Thanks all, I think the general consensus about the hmm is true!
I guess we are so close I know it's a disagreement but at least it's not a negative comment! I'll count it as a win and just try not to take it to heart! Hopefully the rest of the family take the same approach 😅 xx

I usually say ‘I’m following NHS guidelines!’ if there’s any questioning of my approach!

My FIL gave me great advice about this. He said if you get unwanted advice you just smile, nod, say it's always great to hear from experienced parents - and then carry on doing what you think is best

I know exactly how you feel right now. My partners grandmother infers ALL the time! It used to piss me off at first but now I just smile and nod and do things MY way because she's MY baby not hers. So just smile and nod and do what you think is best for YOUR baby! Mums know best remember 🙂 congratulations on becoming g a new mummy and enjoy it

What you describe was certainly the case for me when DS was a baby.

What I find interesting now that DS is in full toddler mode is that I can quite happily allow him to have his minute of crying and thrashing about on the floor to get rid of his frustration at the world/me when he doesn't get his way, whereas my parents swoop in at the merest whimper and give him whatever he wants!!! Despite their alleged position!

I had a little comment from MIL when DH gave our 3 week old a dummy round theirs on Sunday... “you’re not giving her a dummy are you?!” To which DH instantly replied saying “yep and it’s a bloody life saver when she’s going off to sleep!” DD sucks her fingers constantly, when he explained this MIL said “oh I did that and it ruined my teeth!” I don’t think some people can help themselves. She also told us we should be in a routine already, she did it and was back at work by the time DH was 6 weeks old, she had him up and ready at 6am every day...I had only got to sleep at about 6am the night before! Not what I needed to hear lol. Good luck. I think adopting your mum’s “hmm” is a really good response, I may borrow it!

My dm wasn't like this, and in fact we had a lovely time discussing all the baby things she was told by the older generation when we were babies.

Do you think you could start a light hearted conversation about it with your parents/grandparents?
As in "I was given this advice and it got me thinking about how different it was when I was a baby. Was there anything you were told that was very different to how you were raised? It's funny how things change so much isn't it?" And let them reminisce maybe?

I didn't mean for the "my dm wasn't like this to sound quite so smug as it might read there, sorry

Actually I think there is most definitely a place for people sharing their experience. There seems to be a dichotomy between young mothers feeling completely at sea and needing help and support and the older generation being told that under no circumstances should they offer any suggestions or advice or anecdote from their own experience. So long as it's done tactfully and in a way that makes it equally possible to accept or reject then why not?

I would recommend learning to just smile and nod. You'll get a lot of advice when baby is here - often unasked for but also from complete strangers! I was in a shop when DD was 4 weeks old, I'd only gone in to use their baby changing room and was given advice by about 5 different old women (including one saying that DD obviously needed a cuddle and she could help with that and another saying she was upset because she shouldn't be out of the house earlier than 6 weeks!!). And my Gran told me at 4 weeks that I'd BF'd enough now, my DD was a big girl and clearly needed formula! (No FF hating here, just BF worked for us in the early days but I can see how others opinions makes it so difficult for some people to carry on.)

Saying that though I do think Bertrand has a point and sharing experience from people who have been through it and maybe have a different view can be valuable. My DD was a tricky baby and although my MIL didn't want to interfere, I'd frequently ask her what she'd try to calm her.

She only said "humm" that's great! My mum is very vocal and when she came to help me with my newborn she was driving me crazy! For her to understand cluster feeding I actually had to translate 3 scientific articles for her to see it was real! Still, doesn't matter, she will always vocalize her opinion, over and over again. We get along very well and some times I just really have to loose it and tell her to shut up "you can give your opinion but that's it, my baby my choice, you don't have to say the same thing 10 times" let's say sleep deprivation hasn't left me smoother :p thankfully we have a wonderful relation and we can speak openly with each other. Now... If my parents in law say something it's definitely different. Going back for holidays with them for a week and a half and I'm afraid how it will be....