I’m getting this parenting thing all wrong, please advise.

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

I’m doing the discipline thing all wrong and it’s back firing. I don’t know what is right to do?

DS (8) has always had a temper and behavioural issues right from he started primary school. He has been assessed and ruled out for ADHD and by educational psychologist in school who doesn’t think there is anything like autism or anything else going on. At home he is generally very good, he knows the rules and the consequences and I usually don’t have any problems with him.

But this weekend has been a disaster. He isnt allowed the tablet in bed. It is his weakness, he will try and sneak the tablet to bed all the time. If he does he gets grounded for 1 week which includes no screens. I went to check on him on Friday night before I went to bed and he had the tablet hidden under his pillow so I removed it and said he was grounded for a week. He sulked but that was it. The next day he was spending a lot of time on the toilet and I got suspicious so when he came out I checked and he had hidden the tablet under the laundry in the basket. I told him he was grounded for an extra week for taking it when he was banned from it. Whilst I was putting laundry away he smeared soap around the toilet in my en suite, bent a kitchen spoon and poured a bottle of coke I had bought out onto the patio. When I discovered this I told him go get his money (my mum gives him a couple of £ when she sees him) and took him to the shop so he could replace the coke. In the shop he lifted two packets of sweets and set them on the counter. I said he wasn’t getting any sweets. He yelled that it was his money. I replied that he wasn’t having sweets. He yelled “fuck you!” And ran out of the shop. We live near the shop so I knew he would run home. I got in the car and followed him alongside the pavement to the house and he went straight to his room when we got in. He stayed there the whole evening except to come down and get himself cereal.

Today he was mostly ok except that DS1’s phone went missing from his room. This is also something DS2 does often so I asked him to get the phone. He denied he had it but then later it magically appeared back in DS1’s room. DS2 was walking past me in the hall and I started to say that the phone was back in the room and to thank him for returning it but as soon as he heard “phone” he stormed past me saying “I don’t need to listen to this” and went into his room and started throwing things around. It went on for ages but I didn’t go in because I think he does it for a reaction so I ignored. Eventually I heard a smash and went up and he has smashed the pot that the toothbrushes are kept in on the bathroom sink. I called him and told him to get it cleared up which he did and then went to his room. I tried to follow him but his room is absolutely destroyed. He has tipped over shelves, smashed his mirror and god knows what else as I couldn’t even get it. I just came back downstairs. He followed me a few minutes later and I said he could stay in his room until he had put it all back the way it was. He replied “so never, then” and stormed off slamming the kitchen door a couple of times so I knew he was angry. I didn’t react. I have also discovered he has pulled the end off the internet cable as he stormed upstairs.

So, what the hell do I do? Getting angry and yelling doesn’t work with him, he just goes into defence mode and lashes out even more. Do I just wait until he comes to me and then what do I do? Am I right making him tidy his room? It’s really bad. But he wrecked it by himself so he should tidy it by himself? I think I should get him to replace the things he has broken from his own money like the internet cable and his mirror?

Please help. I’m getting this badly wrong.

It doesn't sound like you are getting it wrong - he needs consistency and patience.
I think things have gone nuclear today- maybe he needs a way back. Is he calm? Can you talk to him? Start with why he lost it- does he know? Find a way to help him make amends. Sometimes if they feel like all is lost, there is no point trying. I.e., starting to sort room, you go and help him. If he feels like he has nothing left to loose, why bother?
Is there a way he can earn back some screen time? I understand your zero tolerance on breaking rules- but 2 weeks may feel like forever to him.
Maybe acknowledging how much he lost it today, work together for a fresh start. Extra chores to earn screen?

Why did you pay for him to replace the coke he poured away?

He’s not calm yet. He has just come down and smashed a cup because I wouldn’t go and tidy his room.

He won’t talk about why he gets angry. He goes to a play therapist weekly for the past 5 months and she says he still isn’t opening up to her. As soon as she mentions anything about feelings he clams up and either walks away from her or says “I’m not talking about this”. He does the same with me, he yells that he doesn’t know why he is angry, says he has anger issues and refuses to discuss it at all.

Yes I think 2 weeks is too long too.

Why did you pay for him to replace the coke he poured away? confused

I didn’t, he used his money.

She didn’t. She took him to replace it with the pocket money he gets from his gm.
Sounds really tricky OP but all you can do is be consistent. Of course he must sort his room himself, and pay to replace the things he damaged.

You sound like you are doing right things- staying clam, not engaging, giving him outlets.
He needs a way out of this current episode- a change of person? Can someone/ partner take over? Get things sorted, deal with your relationship later?
Is play therapy isn't helping- something else? Martial arts? Something physical?

Whilst I do think you have to be firm and consistent he is only 8yrs old. It sounds like he can’t see any point in being good as he has lost everything ( in his eyes). Ds2 is a very emotional child and can be very angry or very sad or very silly or very helpful but rarely ‘steady’ I find once things start becoming negative he is on a downward spiral and it is hard to bring him back up. We are trying to be much more positive with him, making sure he has opportunities for 1:1 attention and really finding the good in him. It seems to be working. We only have technology on a weekend and if we were to ban it it would only be for an evening and then they could do chores to earn it back. A whole week is huge and I do think it would feel forever for all my ds.

I agree the natural consequences of trashing your room and breaking things is having to tidy and pay for repairs.

However I think his behaviour is just escalating at the moment, so you might need to back down today and readdress another day when things are calmer.

I think you need to accept that your DS isn't able to have self control around screens at the moment, and this is probably due to the developmental stage he's at so not entirely his fault. The temptation to sneak his tablet to bed is too much. You need to take the control away from him instead of punishing him. So this would probably mean also asking him to hand over his tablet before bed and hiding it/locking it away.

While you need to keep rock solid boundaries it sounds to me like he needs a good bit of love as well. Could you use all this tablet free time to play board games, snuggle up with a dvd, play some trust games etc? It might help. Might not of course, but worth a crack?

Yes the tablet is hidden now where he won’t find it.

I don’t have a partner and his dad isn’t involved, although we did find out this week that his dad has had another baby so that may be something to do with this behaviour although DS did say he was happy about the baby.

He came down in tears saying he couldn’t tidy his room so I said I will help him but I needed to know that he was sorry and that he had tidied whatever he could manage by himself. He stropped but said sorry with a smirk and started tidying the broken cup and some cleaning sprays he had thrown down the stairs. I said “ok let’s go and look at your room” and on the way up the stairs he kept turning around and smirking so I said “no-one is laughing, this isn’t funny, stop smirking” and he said “if you’re going to be cheeky I don’t need your help” so I came back downstairs. He followed me down saying he won’t be paying for a new internet cable and I asked him if he broke it, he said yes. And I said “then you will replace it” he said he wouldnt give me any money and I told him that the next time granny gave him money I would be taking it and buying a new cable. He lost it again and swiped some stuff off the counter and went upstairs.

I do feel we normally have quite a close relationship with lots of fun and cuddling. I didn’t have that with my parents so maybe I’m not doing it any where near as much as I should be. Definitely something to work on.

The play therapy is something social services have arranged and are paying for. It is definitely helping in that he is massively settled both in the sessions and at school. He does do a sport that he loves and I’ve just persuaded him to try jujitsu again after about a year’s break. It starting in a couple of weeks.

Grounded for a week is a massive punishment, I can’t believe you’re grounding him for a week over fairly small things eg the tablet 😳 this is then dragging out very small events for a whole week rather than it being dealt with that same day and then he can start again the next day.

I’d recommend watching a few episodes of Supernanny and apply her techniques, eg always give a warning, shorter punishments that don’t span multiple days, and a reward system for good behaviour

Just read your most recent update seriously he is 8 years old! How many more punishments do you want to dole out to him today?! No wonder he is angry and frustrated!!

How many more punishments do you want to dole out to him today?!

None! I would much rather not have to dole out at all which is why I am asking for help. I’m not seeing the help in your post.

IM also not seeing where you think I am looking to dole out more punishments!

It sounds like every interaction he has had with you today has ended in another punishment.

The advice in my post was watch some super nanny and implement similar systems. Grounded for a week is not a suitable punishment. There also needs to be a warning, doesn’t sound like he is getting warnings and you are jumping straight to punishment. As I said before as well, you really need to implement a reward system for good behaviour too.

I didn’t post every interaction I’ve had with him today. I’ve only posted the bad stuff because that is what I need help with. I really didn’t think I needed to explain that I also smile and speak nicely to him occasionally note that i did say “Today he was mostly ok” which he was. It was a normal day until around 3:30.

That advice was in your previous post. I’m not sure what the point of your second post was.

He does get warnings. Probably too many tbh.

His reward system is that he does his set chores and has good behaviour and he gets his pocket money at the weekend.

Sounds tough Op especially having to do it all without another parent for support.

Although the behaviour is pretty awful I also feel a week of bekng grounded is quite a big punishment fir having the ipad in bed. Ipads are addictive and that is not his fault. Millions of us adults cant resist using our phones and tablets too much - i would try to remember he lacks the impulse control needed in that situation not really naughtiness....so I would just stop him using it but for now stop punishing him so severely for that. Adding a further week of grounding also makes it very severe.

I dont think Id take an already angry 8 year old into a shop full of sweets and coke...

But it sounds like you are handling it all well ! Its tough ...i would assume his dad having another baby would hit hom hard.

Is it possible grounding him is the worst thing for an energetic 8 year old? My children are so much better behaved if they get to play outside or with friends a lot

Yes with hindsight I was just asking for trouble bringing him to the shop then. I should have waited til he was calm. Maybe the next day.

Also I think you’re right about getting him outside. Outside and playing with friends is his favourite thing so I guess that’s why I ground him because I know that’s what he wants to be doing.

So what do I do from here? He has partially tidied his room and I will help him tomorrow with the stuff he can’t manage. (He is in bed now) do I tell him he isn’t grounded? Is it a clean slate or are there consequences for the throwing and swearing?

Is there a way you can wipe the slate clean and start afresh?

Then explain that him having to be responsible for managing his time on the iPad isn’t really fair and you will instead agree on times and warning times when you then put it away safely. (Where he doesn’t know)
Get a system where he earns stuff for good behaviour and positive interaction. Bad behaviour is neutral- not punished but not rewarded. Or natural consequences if necessary- so yes breaking something should be paid for by him within reason.
Talk more, listen lots. Help him make the feelings behind the actions... model this for him. “I am feeling frustrated that we agreed something and now that hasn’t happened” or “I feel quite sad today even though I’m not really sure why” so he knows he doesn’t always have to explain feelings- that sometimes they just are feelings we have.
You sound like you’re doing a great job with very little support though so don’t beat yourself up. Is there a local single parent supper group for you?

Sorry you're having a tough time OP. There's a book I read that helped me called "no bad kids" - it's a quick read but useful.

Could you sit down together at a neutral time and explain that you understand he loves using the tablet and gets frustrated when you've said no. That as his mum, it's your job to make sure he grows up happy and healthy. Then work out boundaries together of when he can use it and what the consequences should be of breaking boundaries. I think resetting and validating his feelings might help? Good luck!

Yes I absolutely can wipe the slate clean. It’s what I want to do TBh because I don’t want to feel like this is going on any longer but I’m just never sure what is the right thing to do. I fear being too lax or too hard I never know what is appropriate consequences. It’s only when I see it here from others that I can see it makes sense.

This was just like ds2. He is ten now and so much better but it was hard at the time. Things that worked for us:
1, No interaction with him when he was angry. We would say 'go to your room and come back when you are ready to talj.'. He would scream and throw things down the stairs but if we spoke to him the anger would go on for linger so no conversation at all.
2, when calm, explain consequences(always the same) ,sorry, cudfles, nice activity together.
3, we bought the book ' what to do if your temper Clare's and read a bit each night. We still go back to it if needed.
4, when he had angry days we spent more time with him doing things one to one. It seemed odd as it was like we were rewarding the amger, but it worked.
5, don't take it personally (hard)

Things are better now, he still gets angry but conduct sooner and knows he was wrong . Small steps. You are not a bad patent, it is just hard.

On and only have a consequence for the original act not the reaction. So , ' you still can't have your tablet for ........ But now you have come down we can do.......together. '

I sympathise, I get into this kind of negative spiral sometimes with DD (who also has a massive inherited temper).

It is counterproductive because as a PP said, they feel they have nothing left to lose, so no incentive to try to rein in their behaviour/anger.

Some things that help:

• No excessive punishments - I agree with PPs that grounding and no screens for a week is too harsh.

• I try to apply "natural consequences" rather than punishment for its own sake, eg sneaking the tablet means tablet is now kept in locked cupboard. Pouring out coke means buy new coke (as you did).

• Not adding on extra punishments just because you are cross - I am guilty of doing this. For example if you'd have let him buy those sweets normally then you should have let him buy them then, otherwise it's an extra punishment on top of buying the coke iyswim.

• Give them a "way back". For example saying "let's start over, if you say sorry and help me with X then we can have a nice evening". Most kids don't like it if you are cross (even if they say they don't care) so will want to defuse things.

• Mentally start over yourself - if they have done something bad and you've applied the consequence, try to stop being cross and do something nice/fun with them (nothing big, I mean just give them a cuddle or tell them something funny that happened that day etc). Even if you still feel cross try not to let it show. (Again as if you stay cross then they have nothing left to lose)