Is this mean or am I ridiculously soft?

[skidaddle]

Now I know it's not nice to judge the parenting of others especially when their dd is only a month old BUT...
a couple we know leave their newborn dd to cry while they are having dinner because they decided before she was born that she wasn't going to disrupt their life (?!). We have had dinner with them twice recently, once at theirs and once at ours and each time we have had dinner through her screaming her little heart out (also waking up our dd to boot!). Each time dinner went on for maybe 20-30 mins.
I just don't undertand this - we would have happily waited until she had fed her, or else could one of them not have picked her up while we ate? They also leave her to cry at night for 15-20 mins before getting up? I just don't understand this - am I really soft (I have been accused of this before ) or does this sound mean to you? Is there anything to be gained? I certainly don't think she will 'learn' anything from it, do you?

we used to do the crying down method where you leave them to settle themselves. the first night it lasted ages! we waited 20 minutes then went in for a minute then came back out for ten minutes went in for a minute waited for ten minutes and then went in and he was asleep. after a few nights he used to cry for about ten minutes and fall asleep and we wouldn't have to go in. we did this in his first month. it seemed to work for us. don't agree with leaving babies to cry if they are hungry though and definitely not for longer than 20 minutes.

tbh i dont think intervening is a particularly good idea - if it makes you feel better, fine, but be aware that that is all you are likely to achieve.

Without knowing more about the situation, it's hard to judge (not that we should be) - it may be that they/she are so overwhelmed that she is saying "the baby wont affect our lives" because it sounds better than "this baby has been crying for 11 out of the last 12 hours, and I'm this close to throwing it, and myself off the roof". Esp at a dinner with her DP's colleague, and his DW, with the incredible sleeping child!

Really, parents of a one-month-old arent really sane yet (PND, etc aside), so I would suspect that if you asked about the "not changing our life" thing in a couple of months, they would deny having ever said it!

If you must talk to them, rather than criticising (however gently, that is what you will be doing) their parenting, may i suggest you talk to them/her as privately as possible, and ask how they are doing? How they are coping? You might be surprised.

selfishman I completely see your point which is why I was (am) very reluctant to intervene. Obviously I don't know how they are feeling deep down but their dd is very 'good' in that she rarely cries and sleeps loads. She's only feeding twice during the night and they say they are finding it surprisingly easy. Now I know they might just be aying that, but it certainly my impression as well.

However, I do know what you mean- I would have hated to be have been judged at such an early stage (or any stage) when I was just finding my feet and learning about parenthood. And believe me talking to them won't make me feel better - but next time I see them I think I will try to talk about it and will ask if I can hold dd during dinner, I'm sure I can do it in a non-critical way (i hope)

make sure you don't really hold her when they first come in and then when its dinner you can say oh you know what i haven't had a cuddle yet do you mind if i hold her?

Sure, if you want, but go in with a clear idea of what you are trying to achieve.

And if you come up with a way of criticising someones parenting (essentially what you are doing) without raising major hackles, come back and let us know!

(actually, belay that - write a book about it. You'll sell millions. I'll put my hand up to be your agent .)

Don't get me wrong - I understand why you want to do something, and I can't say that their parenting style is one that I would use.

And tbh in your position I would be very tempted to say something, but I'm just unconvinced that (a) it will have any effect or (b) is a good idea.

Good luck anyway.